The Beta-Alpha Male

4 October 2014: The Beta-Alpha Male

S: 2:52am

E: 3:48am

Maybe I’m right and what these “experienced” people or what the world is telling me is wrong.  The way of violence, the way of alpha male, the particular way that a man has to dress or wear.  They telling me that I have to do this because I’m a “man.”  “Man” is just a social construct. 

Their way is the way most of ------------------ went.  They drink, they get drunk, many drive.  They do reckless behaviors, they get into fights.  I know -------- that don’t make it, others that are hurt.  Is their way really the best way?  Are they true when they mock my way saying I’m inexperienced, too nervous, careful, wussy.  Is it wrong for me not to intervene in a deadly situation when my life may be at risk?  Yet, the establishment proves me to be right.  They told him to leave, ----------------------------. 

There are more than one right answer, and some are more right than others.  First, I lack the realization of what is going on.  I lack the knowledge.  I lack it because I chose to follow my way of peace, of safety.  Yet, to be well-rounded and as a future social worker, I try to learn from the other side.  To directly intervene, without authoritative help, would be folly.  I chose to quietly step inside and to calmly pray about it.  I did make a mistake though.  I only thought of informing the barkeep.  But, they knew quickly what was going on and they intervened. 

I prefer to be neutral outwardly.  Outwardly, it may seem I’m walking the fine line between good and evil.  I do this to protect myself, to stay out of trouble.  Prisoners who don’t get involved in other people’s disputes tend to save their own skin.  But inwardly?  That is the part people don’t see and the part that I strive to be.  Inwardly, I am good.  I fight, when I’m not overwhelmed, by praying and following my intuition and logic.  By social terms, I am the beta male.  I tend to fight indirectly, passive-aggressive style.  Knowing that the spirit is supreme, I fight in that realm.  I do not act on impulse but think carefully and logically.  I look at things honestly.  I am open to being with people different from me, like what happened today, and to learn from their strengths and weaknesses.  I am not totally good, not totally evil, but I learn from both and take the best of both.  But, I know that good is supreme because good is life and human beings have life. 

Maybe I am right all along.  Maybe being humble.  Maybe being single, saving money so I can help other people.  Maybe not chasing and wasting money on temporary pleasures but spending it instead on human welfare is the right thing to do.  I do have fun, but my type of fun is free. 

It’s okay if someone wants to be outwardly better than me.  It’s okay if I die tomorrow.  I am prepared for the worst because I should not worry about what happens tomorrow.  My influence is not the acute kind that gets people’s attention.  It could be, but my influence is more the chronic kind which makes slow but steady and long-lasting change. 

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Add: A person quoted my professor saying that if I am not getting into trouble, then I am doing something wrong as a social worker.  He tells me that social workers fight for justice.  That I should not run and hide when trouble comes.  He tells me it is unethical.  I told him I was following the law.  He said forget the law. 

To respond, this argument is similar to the poem “the stronger wind, the stronger trees” and what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.  It assumes that if I am not struggling, or in this case, getting into trouble, then I am doing something wrong.  In a viewpoint, the person is correct.  What allows life to grow is struggle.  To fight for truth and justice may require me to be in trouble.  But a fallacy he had is the assumption that I should always get into trouble.  Always getting into trouble will get me killed.  I need to pick and prepare my “troubles” carefully, not just jump into any troubles.  Take calculated risks and not blind risks.  The trouble the person is assuming is troubles for a good cause, not the ones for evil. 

In that particular instance, I feel getting into that “trouble” is not a good idea.  A better solution is to notify the authorities.  I may even vouch against notifying the authorities because what I am doing may be considered snitching to the participants.  Another solution, in combination with others, is to pray.  Praying may lessen and prevent these evil acts in unseen ways.  This behavior is given that I do not know the participants and I do not really know what is going on.  How do I know what is going on?  By gaining experience.  How to gain experience?  By staying neutral. 

Deeper than staying neutral is being wise.  Knowing the end result in the outcome and choosing the best behavior to have the best outcome.  The outcome is not limited to just the event, but the history of humankind. 

How about the law?  Laws serve as guides for people in what to do in typical situations.  But in extraordinary circumstances, the law may need to be bent or broken for the greater good.  Also, since laws serve as a guide, if a person truly understands the purpose and function of a law, the person may have the right to break the law.  An example of this is jaywalking across a street.  The purpose of the law against jaywalking is to protect pedestrians from getting hit from cars in unauthorized crossing areas.  However, once a person understands the purpose of that law, and finds circumstances where the law doesn’t apply, he can break the law.  If the person crossing the street carefully looks both directions and sees no cars coming, for example, the person may cross the street without the fear of being hit by a vehicle.  The law is broken but the person is still safe.    

PS: Actually, sometimes I go indirect (passive-aggressive), other times I take a more direct approach.  I don’t really know myself.  More often than not though, I use an indirect approach.  An indirect approach is not bad.  I consider praying, empathy-response actions, acting wisely given the situation, to be indirect.  Most problems are too big to be solved directly at once.

2014.9.4 (Day 10)

2) 2014.9.4 (Day 10)

            I have already interviewed a resident here at Dismas.  I remember I was nervous when conducting my first PSA because it was my first time.  The monitor up front sensed my nervousness and said, “I'll give you a nice one.”  Needless to say, I did interview a nice resident.  Conducting a psycho-social interview is like listening to a person's life story.  There are many topics to cover such as family, physical health, spiritual health, education, law, and client strengths.  Each topic can have numerous subtopics.  For example, in the “education” category, I am also required to ask how the client is doing when he was in elementary school!  I still remember my elementary years but many of the residents, some older, might have trouble remembering.  The reason why we are required to go in detail and ask these questions is because what happens in a person's childhood can affect a person's psychological well-being in his/her adult life. 

            The resident I had is talkative.  I'm fortunate.  I heard of some residents who don't talk at all.  Listening to their life stories reminds me of my story.  I find our stories have similarities and differences.  I don't want to go in detail but I find, so far, that the reason my resident got in trouble is due to logical, make-sense reasons.  Reasons that, if we were under his situation, we might succumb to that, too.  I guess in life, there are a few “critical” life decision or junctions that would affect our lives tremendously.  Me joining the Army, for example, or me getting that stupid “D” grade in English class during my freshman year in high school.  That cost me my admission to a Cal-State University back then.  :(

            I also talked to my fellow interns on why they joined social work.  One of them gave his story.

            “What is your rank?” He asked me. 

            “I was a specialist,” I replied.

            One of my intern, F, was also in the Army.  He was a sergeant when he got out.  He said the reason why he went into social work is because he does the same thing in the Army.  He conducts home visits.  He checks his soldier's homes for safety.  He conducts financial counseling for his soldiers.  He advises his soldiers on how to spend and save money.  He does safety briefings with his soldiers as well.  When his soldiers go on leave, he is required to counsel them on safety issues.  He conducts urinalysis for his unit.  His MOS, like some in the Army (including me) is unrelated in what he does.  His MOS is a fueler, but he is a re-enlistment sergeant in his unit.  So, he also does some career advising and guidance for soldiers who are thinking about re-enlisting in the Army.  He also runs the Chemical, Biological, and Nuclear (CBN) training in his unit.  Change his MOS to “social work” and many of the tasks he does will be the same.  :)

            A sergeant from my unit once asked me why am I choosing not to re-enlist in the Army.  I told him I want to help people; to be a social worker.  He gave a gesture that shows “duh, what do you think you are doing now?”  I think if I were to be promoted to a sergeant, many of the soldiering-care tasks that F mentioned would also apply to me.  I might actually do some social work there.  :p  But, I know the Army, or the military in general, also has a social work MOS as well.  They are an officer.  I might consider working in the military.

8/31/2014: [Social Work] Intervention theories and my value-based intervention hypothesis (Work in progress)

8/31/2014: [Social Work] Intervention theories and my value-based intervention hypothesis (Work in progress)

S:11:09pm

E: 12:15am

As always, I might finish a day later, since it’s already 11pm.  There are a lot of things I can write about, including my experiences at Dismas.  However, to plan ahead and to establish a base for interventions, I want to begin to write and explore a list of possible social work interventions I can use to work with my clients or residents.

I want to start by saying I know little of interventions but that is one of the reasons why I am writing about them.  As a pre-social worker, I know more about therapeutic forces what to assess.  However, I have some ideas on what might work.

My professors tell us that in order to work effectively with clients, each of us must be using at least one theory.  Not using a theory is equivalent to going in blind.  One of the main theories touted by many of my professors is the cogitative-behavior theory.  It seems to be effective, thus, I will devote some time to study this theory more.  But, to give a pre-analysis of it, I feel it has some limitations.  This theory states that our thoughts cause our feelings and our feelings in turn cause our behavior.  So, the key is to change the way we think.  It is all a mind game. 

This approach may not work for me because I can see the truth.  It can be deceptive because the change in thinking may not be grounded in reality but instead only used to achieve a desired effect.  It may also suffer from an all-or-thing fallacy.

For example, if I tell myself that I can’t find a job because it’s all the economy’s fault, not my fault, the therapist may try to change my thinking into that I am responsible for my fate.  However, that is not really true.  The real answer why a person can’t find a job can be between internal and external factors, although many say that it lies more in the internal.  The 12% what happens to you and 88% how you respond to it.  But, it’s 88% and not 100%.  The economy may also play a factor, so is the supply and demand of certain jobs.  If I try to think to myself that I am completely responsible for my own fate, I am leaving out other factors and if I fail even when doing my best, the person may blame him/herself instead of looking at other possibilities. 

Experienced social workers or counselors may be laughing at me, but it’s ok.  I am still learning and the purpose of this discovery is to learn, both from my mistakes and the mistakes of others and to identify, partly through reason, the best method.

I think the military also tried to use a little CBT on me.  They try to drill soldiers into thinking something that is not completely true (or so I think) in reality, but thinking the way the Army wants you to think can make you a better soldier.  That’s why many soldiers tell me I should stop thinking so much and just follow orders.  If I do that, if I throw away my inquiry and questioning abilities and just adopt their way of thinking, I may be a better soldier, but I will compromise my value of logic and questioning. 

For example, in basic training, our drill sergeants or culture tell us that if we are not meeting the standards, then we are lazy and not doing our best or giving “110%.”  In a way, this type of thinking is good.  It forces soldiers to meet the standard because, if they meet it, they will feel good; they will feel that they are trying.  However, this way of thinking doesn’t work for weaker soldiers who may be doing their best but are still not reaching the Army expectations.  Frequently, and only the individual can testify, I done my best to adapt and reach the expectations.  However, I frequently fall short.  Other soldiers verbally attack me by telling me that I’m being lazy and not doing my best, when, in indignation, I might be trying harder than them.  They see the results more than the effort.  This way of thinking, that if you do your best, you will reach expectations, and that if you don’t reach it, then it’s your lack of willpower, doesn’t work for me because I did do my best and still couldn’t reach the expectations.  There are other reasons why soldiers can’t reach expectations besides the lack of effort.  Prior physical conditioning, street-smarts, the ability to adapt quickly to change, social skills, among others, also play a role. 

I do agree, however, that CBT can be effective, and in some of my experience, is effective.  If I keep telling myself something, I will tend to believe it.  However, this approach, and I only have a cursory knowledge of it, won’t be as effective for those who are broader in their thinking, who consider other factors as well.

--

The approach I am thinking that may work with my residents is more like a value-based approach.  I don’t really have a name for it but looking online, it kind of agrees with value clarification psychotherapy theory. 

Everyone has values and their internal motivation is based on them.  Interventions and approaches will be more effective if it agrees with what the client values.

Thus, finding what the resident or client value is the assessment.  Of course, since we live in similar environments, many of us may have similar values, such as independence, money, family, etc.  But, everyone can be different. 

Once we know what the client values, we can inquire what the client intends to do to further that value.  The social worker will then be like a second observer or advisor (I like to call it a second general) analyzing the client’s methods and objectives.  The end point is to establish a task or objective that benefits the person without harming other people (hopefully it may benefit others as well).  If the client gives an objective to a value that may hurt other people, the social worker can educate the client on the possible consequences as well as moral arguments (maybe). 

For example, if the resident values money and he/she says they want to a hitman to be rich, the social worker can point out the dangers of a hitman, the consequences of murder, how it may actually counter-act their goal of wanting to be rich (being arrested, prison time, death), as well as moral arguments such as the value of a human life.  The social worker can then give other socially-acceptable alternatives that will further the client’s goal of wealth, such as employment-search, education and job training, how to save money (financial responsibility- can tell the story of poor lottery winners), among others. 

This is a client-centered approach that drives on internal motivation as well as focusing on the strengths perspective.  Thus, the client will have a self-interest to accomplish their goals and objectives in a, hopefully, healthier way thanks to the advice of a social worker using this approach.

This also goes in-line with Sun Tzu’s Art of War in that if the client knows thyself and the task ahead (i.e. enemy), he or she will be 100% effective in accomplishing their life task(s). 

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As I learn more intervention theories, I will be able to learn from others and develop, hopefully, more effective ways to help people.

Add: I probably have no idea what CBT is.  Forgive me; I am new.

8/20/2014

8/20/2014

S: 12:42am
E: 1:52am

There’s of course plenty of topics that I can write, however, I’m only going to write about a few of them.

I feel I screwed up.  I messed up.  I don’t think it’s really fair.  I didn’t do anything that deserves this predicament.  I mean all I do is play games, that’s it, and a little side of questionable activities.  That’s it. 

Now I realize how important networking and connections are.  I mean I already know it is important, but it’s hard to be in the groove, should I say.  They don’t just come to you and even if I look for it, I still don’t get it.

Ok, reality check.  So far, I can only think of one person who can give me a recommendation or fill out those tedious recommendation letters.  I mean I do have a few, if I think about it, but they owe me nothing.  It stinks that after a few years, or a few months, connections with people fades.  The person who can give me a recommendation two years ago probably will have a harder time due to the passage of time.  I have three graduate schools I’m planning to apply.  My strategy is to have one graduate school for safety, that is, a school that I can have a safe bet that I’ll be accepted, and two others that I think are challenging.  Each of these three schools requires 3 recommendations.  So, 3 times 3 is 9.  I need nine recommendations!  I don’t want to bother 3 people 3 times for each recommendation.  Sigh, so stressful. 

Take a look at my case.  I spend most of my time alone.  I don’t work.  I used to volunteer.  I mainly just focus on my studies.  I am in my social work club but I haven’t met any professionals there.  The few times I attend my Christian club I haven’t met professionals.  Just students.  I used to go to church but I stopped going partially because they discriminate against me.  I can feel it, Asian-sense.  So I really don’t have much people I can ask.  My dad tells me I am the kindest and smartest person in the world but family doesn’t count.  So what is someone like me supposed to do?  Time passes, people don’t remember me anymore.

I feel this recommendation bullshit is also biased towards those in poverty.  They have fewer connections and have less time to build “professional” connections.  They probably spend most of the time working. 

Oh and my dad told me what about the military?  Military doesn’t work either.  The change-over is too great.  If I were to go to Fort Bliss right now, I will not recognize 99% of the soldiers there, let alone my old supervisors.  I tried it.  We are talking about a 50% retention rate per year.

Tbh, I feel people think I’m just a piece of shit.  Some person they are forced to take care of.  Like trash.  Just because I’m still single doesn’t mean I am shit.  I feel the notion of family (traditional family) is shit too.  It is an archaic glorification of the frontier age.  The frontier is gone.  There is no more space for the human population to grow.  More people creates more competition.  Competition for resources, land, jobs.  Nations are fighting each other to sustain their demand.  Completion brings out the ugly side of human nature.  The end is coming.

Space used to be the “final frontier” but the funny thing is the United States doesn’t even have a single working shuttle.  And as science catches up to the truth, colonization in space is more difficult than it seemed. 

But then again, why should mankind spread more evil in the universe?  The greater the human population, the greater the atrocities. As C.S. Lewis said, “Let's pray that the human race never escapes from Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere.” 

I have many things I can write, with the exceptional logic God has given me.  It doesn’t require any degrees or PhD’s. 

 Technology is useless.  No, it is negative.  Why is it negative?  Well, technology is not good or bad in itself because it is simply a modifier.  Like the tractor is more productive than the plow.  However, human beings can be good or evil.  Evil to destroy the world.  Good to improve the world.  However, the natural law states that it is easier to destroy than to build.  Evil will have more influence.  Now we have nukes.  Evil people can destroy our world.  More on this on another blog later.  I already started it.

One of the earthy wisdom is correct.  That a good beginning usually means a good end.  If someone has a good start, that person is likely to also finish well.  However, if someone messes up or made mistakes, it’s doubly hard for that person to catch up.  You dig yourself in a hole, you have the fill the hole up first before you can start on your mountain.  If someone gets bad grades in high school, that person will have a difficult time to even get into college.  His or her career will be affected, and so forth.  Bad beginnings carry more weight than anywhere else.  It also leads to depression, which just spirals a person down even more. 

I’m starting to think my experiences in the Army is just a placebo effect.  Put anyone in a difficult situation and he or she will start seeking the supernatural.  Even atheists may start praying if they are about to die.  I seek God and, somehow, I was able to survive.  That somehow is because my spirit grew stronger to overcome deficiencies in my body and soul.  I was stupid and weak in the Army.  That spirit-soul-body notion makes sense. 

Right now, I’m seeing religion as simply a conduit to the Creator.  Different religions have different conduits to the Creator, some more accurate and some less.  Christianity is a conduit, as is Islam.  Religion is man’s way of seeking God.  I feel I’m more of a theist now.  The universe had a beginning but I feel, so far, there is no one true religion.  Yet, new religions, sects, branches, denominations, etc, evolve in an attempt to seek the Creator more perfectly.  Like when Winston Churchill said that democracy is the worse form of government except that all other forms have already been tried.  There is no pure answer yet, and there probably never will be, but each new development in religion may lead to a closer answer.

Looking at human psychology, I can see that many people have a desire for destiny.  They want to achieve something big but if they can’t achieve it in acceptable or good ways, they may do it in negative or evil ways.  As an expert I read once said, “They know it is better to a somebody than a nobody.”  Look at Columbine, Sandy Hook, terrorist bombings, the subway stabbing in Taiwan (when the perpetrator said he wanted to “do something big”), etc.  These people go out with a bang.  Yes, it is evil, but there may be circumstances that lead to it.  Look at Hitler.  Perhaps some people try to be successful, to be accepted, to be a somebody but fail miserably in acceptable ways.  Then, because humans have a desire for greatness, more than their desire to be good, they become a notorious evil person.  Why do people join gangs?  Or do dangerous things?  Many people also have a Samson Option if their lives fall apart. 

Ok, it is 1:38am now.  I really do need to be sleeping.  To me, I feel my life is a tragedy.  To quote JJ Heller, and “it’s driving [me] down to my knees.”  

2014.5.11 [Discovery]

2014.5.11

S: 12:09am

E: 12:57am

I’m feeling restless right now so I cannot sleep.  I’ve decided to write on my discovery.  I would like to write my discovery but a lot things get in the way.  Among them is games.  I really do feel games, mass media, TV, movies, all these things take away the potential in our lives.  It’s easy to indulge, to have excess, in them. 

Two weeks ago, I had a SASW (Student Association of Social Workers) meeting.  I remember afterwards, I was fixed on going home.  I recently changed my diet to one meal a day for health reasons and I want to strictly adhere to it.  On the way down, I thought about attending the Intervarsity Christian Fellowship but decided not to.  That is until J came out and saw me.  He told me join but I told him my plans.  Then he said something memorable.  He said something along the lines of  “Jesus is the bread of life.  What’s better than having spiritual bread?  Forget about eating.”  His words changed my mind.  I went there and had a good time.  Towards the end, we decided to go eat at Chipotle and Wingstop.  I had a struggle there too.  Part of me wants to go to hang out with them, yet, another part of me doesn’t want to go for financial reasons.  I waited until the very end before I decided to go.  I’m glad I went.  I was about to socialize and talk to my brothers and sisters.

By reading this, some people may think I no longer love God.  That is incorrect.  I still love God.  He is the reason why I’m still alive.  However, I spent most of my time with God alone.  I prefer it.  Well, part of me prefers group.  It’s hard to tell.

I’m facing a lot of struggles, a lot of insecurities, a lot of worries.  I don’t think I can make it.  If I can’t see myself succeeding, if I can’t see myself winning, then I will probably lose.  That is partly from like experience.  Of course with God, everything is possible, but.  But it’s hard for me to spend time with Him, even if I want to, even if my spirit wants to.  I just end up doing other things like playing games.  Although, I have to say, it is better than before.  I am able to get a lot of things done, but I still spend a lot of time on computer games.  I might have Internet Gaming Disorder as listed in the DSM-V.  Before the Army, it was severe, now, it’s probably mild or moderate.  I really hope it’s just mild.  I actually hope I can be cured.  I would play games for a stretch and then feel guilty about wasting time.  This causes me to have a time of productivity.  Then I may play games again and feel guilty again. 

I find my best time to worship, to talk to God, or to myself and this write this discovery, is at night.  There is something special in the end, in darkness, at night.  I kind of wish my room can be pitch black at will so I can spend time with God.

I love singing, I would sing at night.  It helps me drive away my loneliness.  I wish I was back in the Camp Arifjan in Kuwait.  Not the work, but the amenities.  Everything is local and safe there.  I remember walking or jogging at the half-mile track at night listening, singing, and praying to God.  I miss those times.  Now, I can’t just go out into the streets singing or praying.  It would be unsafe.  And when I do pray or sing aloud, I just whisper it with my earplugs on.  That way, soldiers would think I’m just singing along with my music when in reality, I’m praying to God.

   Ask God for help and ask God to send angels and ask God to change the evil into good (transfer).

I’m just going to write anything.  Anything goes.  :)  Sometimes, I can’t sleep at night because I’m restless.  I’m restless because I feel I’m not done with my day yet.  I feel a longing unfulfilled.  I’m happy that I can always just talk to God and myself.  That alleviates the pain a lot.  If I can’t talk to God, I would go crazy. 

That brings the question, why not I be more sociable.  The fact is, I think I am.  I make active steps to be with people.  I join organizations on campus, run for leadership, and make sure my days are scheduled around people.  But, there are times when, I don’t know, I want to be alone.  Sometimes I feel I want to be alone and not alone at the same time. 

When I talk on the phone about my life, some people tell me that I’m always negative, that they can see something is “not right.”  Like a horror movie, I would inquire and that person would say “I’m not saying something is wrong….”  I think the reason why I’m so negative when expressing myself openly is because life to me is so negative.  I try but life is still negative.  I try, with God, and life gets better, however, I cannot be with God all the time.  My heart and my flesh fails.  I am a realist.  I see my troubles, worries, and future and I don’t know if I’m going to make it.  Why should I try so hard on something and fail in the end?  That’s why many times I just seek God, talk to God. 

I don’t want to publish my blogs because people may treat me differently.  I’m still the same person as they see, I just have a different way of seeing things, but, all in all, I’m still normal to them. 

What do I really want?  I want God but, again, what do I really want?  I think it’s ironic that I write so much and talk so much to myself but I still don’t know myself very well.  Well, I do know myself, I just, am indecisive.  Actually, there are times when I don’t know myself despite my efforts. 

Jesus keep me near the cross,

There a precious fountain,

Free to all the healing stream,

Flows from Calvary’s fountain.

There are times in my life, thanks to God, that songs just come up to me.  I would hum, sometimes sing, or listen to them on my computer.  I have dreams but, at least at this time, I’m too weak to accomplish them.  I still try though, I still sing. 

I feel, there are times, like this, that I can talk to myself and to God forever.  Just as some people can sleep forever, just kidding, I like to sleep too.  :)  I feel if I can talk to myself enough, with God of course, I can resolve any personal or any problem.  Knowing that God is in control and that everything will be okay in the end calms me.  Should I move out of the United States so I can be safer from the end times?  Well, I already have eternal life.  I should not try to save my life but to lose it for Him.  I could add references (Bible book, chapter and verse) but I’m too lazy.  I understand and a Christian who understands the Bible should also understand it.

One thing that is kind of funny that I remembered is my 1-month Bible reading plan.  I made that plan, I recall writing it in my blog years ago, because someone said the world might end in 2011.  So, to prepare myself, I created a 1-month Bible reading plan using Excel that covers the whole book.  I divided up into different categories such as “history, law of Moses, the Gospel, Prophecy, etc.”  In the beginning, I made good progress, but I got further and further behind.  That plan I made was unrealistic.  I mean, it could be realistic, if I treat it like my finals and study 24/7.   That 1-month plan became a half-year plan which became a 1-year plan.  I remember I was so happy when I reached the half-way point.  I am still on that plan!  But, I am almost done.  I’m almost done reading the Bible.  I read it about in the Book of Revelations, You read it too….  I have about 15 to 20% left.  Yay!  Reading the Bible, the bread, is essential for every Christian and I try to read it every day. 

I don’t want to judge people because God will be judge.  I don’t want to say that they are wrong, well, if my conscience, which is from God, tells me that they are wrong, then maybe I should tell them, prudently and with love.  If I know, through wisdom/discernment, that they will take offence or it harms the future, then I won’t.  The prudent man keeps silent because the times are evil (Amos 5:13).  I don’t want to get revenge because it is the Lord who avenges.  I take revenge by crying out to God concerning the injustice. 

Ok, I need to go to sleep now.  Today is already Mother’s Day and I have church tomorrow.  It is 12:53am now so I probably would be late.  Sigh.  Whether late or not, I try to attend for God.  I know punctuality is important to some people but God sees the heart.  I already have my defenses.  :p  But no, my defenses comes from God. 

I am planning to publish and return back to public life, but I need reserves first. 

God loves you.  No, to say that might be offensive to some people.  Fine, I love you.  But no again, what if I’m lying?  Fine, I will try to love you.  Why?  Because my God is the God who tries.  :)

4/19/2014 [Discovery]

4/19/2014:

S: 7:21pm

E: 8:04pm

Today, I went to my church Easter event.  I want to write my discoveries because I feel it’s important.  There’s so much to write, mainly about the plot, that I don’t know how to write anymore.

To start, today was a semi-rainy day.  I had mixed feelings about that.  Part of me became happy because then it probably means the event may be cancelled.  That will give me more time to do my schoolwork.  But then, knowing D, they probably would have another alternative event planned.  I also thought since Easter isn’t really a Christian holiday, that probably God didn’t approve it so He made it rain.  Another side of me hoped the event could take place.  It would be a great experience not only for me but for my church community.  It would be good for the kids.  And, we spent a lot of time, especially D, on the preparations. 

I have to wake up early again today.  I feel like my life is changing… somewhat.  Yesterday, my HBSE (human behavior and social environment) group from class met to work on our pictoral assignments.  I suck at waking early.  I prefer to start my day later.  I feel like even though I value being alone, I am, probably through circumstances outside my control, becoming more social. 

I woke up early to take someone.  I made the time and, to a lesser extent, sacrifice, because it would be a good experience for that person.  Even though it was raining when I drove to his house, I am confident that we will have an Easter event.  At least, I am still going to show up at church at 8:30am and report and try. 

To save gas, I now listen to my music not on my car stero, unless I’m carrying passengers, then they can listen to some positivity encouraging Christian music, but from my mp3 player.  In the beginning it was rough because I would turn my car on first and then “oops, I forgot to turn on my mp3 player,” so I fumbled with getting my music player ready while the car engine is still running.  I probably use more gas in the beginning, but I got better.  The music quality is also much better.  I am less disturbed by the outside traffic and environment. 

So today, while getting there, my car hydroplaned.  It hydroplaned at 15-25mph.  I mean seriously?  My car tires actually hydroplaned and I lost control of the vehicle going 25mph (and it was under light rain).  Luckly, there wasn’t anyone on my left lane because I went halfway into their lane.  I could feel the tires hydroplaning and my instinct is to hit the brakes.  But, hitting the brakes made the skidding worse.  Then I remembered what I learned in the military that I should not hit the brakes but steer the wheel towards the skid and try to regain control.  It was too late for me to act on what I remembered but, praise God, I did stop.  I went the rest of the way being cautious and timing the stupid traffic lights.  Braking even 25mph towards a traffic light at a safe distance is risky so I told myself to go when it’s yellow when, in normality, I would’ve stopped.  My version of stopping is, if I can’t pass the intersection completely before the lights turn red, I will stop. 

Actually, all this could be preventable.  During winter break, I ordered a new set of tires.  Four in all.  I did some research on quality and price and brought what I thought was the best deal.  I brought them and had them shipped to my room because I thought I could put them on myself.  All there is to putting tires is just taking  the old one off and putting the new, deflated ones back on, right?  Wrong.  I quickly tried to learn how to install new tires straight from the box and I found it to be not that simple.  First, I need to set the beads or keeping the air in the tire.  For that, there are two methods.  First is what many mechanics call the “redneck” method.  Which is to line the circumference with flammable liquids and lighting it with a lighter.  The whole tire will momentarily be like hot wheels and will make a “voomp!” sound, filling and sealing the tire with air.  Other methods to set the beads requires advanced machinery, money that I can’t afford or don’t want to buy.  The second method involves driving the car tires onto the new tires, to break it so air can remain inside the tires.  Without these methods, any attempt to inflate car tires (and I was planning to use my bicycle pump) will just result in air leaking out.  I don’t want to risk my life setting my new tires on fire and I don’t have a buddy to help me watch when I drove over my new tires so both options are unacceptable to me.  Driving over my new tires in an attempt to break it might result in me damaging my tire rims if I miss, which are the only rims I have.  I thought inflating the car tires will just be like inflating bicycle tires.  I also brought some green slime to inject in to prevent future tire damage.  I was wrong.  It was a lot more complicated than I thought but at least I learned something from my efforts. 

The next part, even if I am able to add air to my new tires, is to balance them.  Something that is even more impossible.  Advanced machinery to balance car tires costs thousands of dollars.  I shopped around for a manual method and the best, coming from Harbor Freight Tools, costs around $100 (or $200?).  It involves setting and spinning the tires and adding tire weights so the rotation of the tires can go more smoothly.  Failing to perform this step may cause uneven tire tread wear and thus shorten the life of my tire.  Additionally, it would unbalance the weight distribution of my vehicle (?), damaging it.  And I thought installing new car tires would be easy.  Go me.  No, but I’m happy that I made an attempt.  Now I have four tires just sitting in my room, taking up space.  I thought about going to a professional to install them, but then I remembered my dad’s words that the car tires are relatively new and I should save money by not replacing them.  However, the car mechanics who performed oil changes to my car warned me, on multiple occasions, that my tire tread is running out.  Who should I listen to?  I wanted to save money, and I trust my dad’s judgment so I decided to delay changing my car tires.  Maybe I should get my tires changed now. 

I wrote so much and I didn’t even get to write what I wanted to write about!  Well, I’ll write later, maybe after I finish “dinner.”  I’m trying to eat only one meal a day now, short answer being I can be more efficient.  In fact, I think “efficiency” should be my middle name.  More on that later.  Let me eat.  

2014.4.10 An open-ended group [Discovery]

2014.4.10 An open-ended group

S: 10:48pm

E: 11:30pm

It has been a long time since I wrote a journal.  Why did I stop writing?  It is partly due to many reasons.  I don’t want to be judged and I don’t want to deal with the attention.  I’m busy with school.  I feel that my journals are just the same over and over again; that there is nothing new under the sun, at least my sun :).  Oh and many of my experiences have been negative and I don’t want to fill my blogs with negativity.  It’s not good for the tone.  :p 

But, I’m still going to write.  Even if it’s going to be a repeat or a spin-off of the past, I’m still going to try to share. 

Part of the reason why I don’t want to write is because people don’t completely understand me and they will prematurely judge me.  Only God fully knows me so I just talk to Him. 

I can say, at least partially, that I am feeling a little bit of compassion fatigue.  I feel stressed out but I do set limits and I let people or organizations know that I do say “no.” 

Many of the things I want to share are too personal or deep.  Too much self-disclosure, way more than two shovelfuls.  :p  But the purpose of this journal, of this discovery, of my story with God, is to share my life. 

I still get hit or hurt, despite the Army, by circumstances outside my control or at least by situations where I do not have full control.  It’s easy to blame the victim.  It’s easy to say that a person failed because s/he is too weak.  What many people don’t see is that the environment plays a huge factor on whether a person can succeed or fail.  Sure, there are a few exceptions.  A person raised in gang-riddled, unsafe, underclass neighborhood can still be doctor, but it will be much easier, in terms of willpower, for a person to become a doctor in a pleasant, Boardwalk neighborhood.  Put the same person in two vastly different neighborhoods and you will almost always get two different outcomes. 

To touch briefly, I applied to two legal assistance centers for my social work internship next year.  Personally, I feel I’m open to anything but if I have to choose, I guess those are my choices. 

I guess in life, it is just to love God and to love people.  I tried other measures but they all failed or I saw that it wouldn’t be as good as love.  Love never fails.  Of course I may fail because I’m not god but I will still do my best to love every day. 

This blog will be an open-ended group.  I may keep repeating myself because I feel it is important to me at that time.  My excuse for saying what I have already said is that I may have new members (that is, readers) in my group.  :p 

And also, the frequency of my journals may be irregular.  I don’t want to feel more stress that I have to write and I prefer to write when I feel like writing, like in the past.  So, this may be my last blog or I’ll have another one coming in five minutes (I highly doubt it).  :)

2014.1.26: Go Optimism! [Discovery / Bright Ideas]

2014.1.26: Go Optimism!

S: 11:10pm

E: 12:36am

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life….  Ok, I don’t mean to plagiarize.  I have this saying in its entirety pasted on my wall back in my room in Los Angeles.  This phase tells me the importance of a person’s attitude on their life.  How a person thinks, his or her outlook, plays a major part in that person’s life cycle. 

Due to its importance, it is critical for a person to have an optimistic way of thinking and outlook on life.  I want to be with optimistic people and to make optimistic friends.  I want to be with people who see opportunity at night and by day.  I want to be with people who see what is socially constructed as a “lose” or “win” to be a gain, a win, or an opportunity.  I want to be with people who see the glass as half-full first instead of as half-empty. 

Instead of people telling others that they can’t do this or that or being judgmental, I want people who instead ask “Let’s see what we can do.”  And, for goals that seem unreachable, I want them to say “Let’s look at some things we can do to help reach that goal.” 

For example, if someone wants to be like Bill Gates, instead of just dismissing that person’s dreams and aspirations by saying “that’s impossible,” I want people to instead say “OK, let’s see what we can do.”  That person can first learn how to use a computer.  Then, he or she can work on studying and getting a bachelor’s degree in Computer Science.  After that, the person can gain some experience by working for a software company.  After a while, once the person has more experience, he or she can team up or start their business alone.  If that dreamer is persistent, reevaluates his/her progress, and does their best, that person will be able to achieve as close to that person’s dreams as possible.  What I described is just one track or way that person can become like Bill Gates.  Then again, it depends on what that person defines Bill Gates as.  Does he/she want to be a great computer innovator or a rich man/woman?

Robert H. Schuller said that “I’d rather attempt to do something great and fail than to attempt to do nothing and succeed.”  Most successful people, if not all, have an optimistic orientation.  They believe in themselves and in their dreams. 

Being optimistic involves seeing all situations in a positive light.  One of the great Biblical figures who had bad upon bad handed to him is Apostle Paul.  Yet, he states, “When I am weak then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:10b).  He knows that in times of his weakness, of troubles, of tribulations or persecutions, he can more easily seek the One who is all-powerful and that he can learn and grow stronger from these windy experiences. 

In the Army I have soldiers tell me that they would just rather die than be me.  “Your life sucks” they say and they would point out all the obvious flaws and weaknesses that I have or may have.  But then, I thought to myself one day in the military, if I can be someone else, who would I be?  I looked at other soldiers.  They seem strong, knowledgeable about their jobs, and/or have many friends.  But I have one thing many of them don’t have: the ability to be with God.  I have God.  I can talk to God.  I can also talk to myself and problem-solve.  I told myself that if I can talk to God, then I can have anything.  So, I’m happy to be me.  I have the better deal. 

One of the foundations of social work is optimism.  Social workers focus on a client’s strengths and empowers the person or group to be all they can be.  The very fact that people try to help those who need help is a mark of optimism.  Pessimistic people might look at the homeless, or offenders, or in Jesus’ time, tax-collectors and sinners, and say “Oh they are homeless, they are hopeless” or “Oh they are offenders, there is no hope for them.”  But no!  We don’t give up on people because God doesn’t give up on them. 

Parents who are pessimistic can give a negative self-fulfilling prophecy to their children.   Children are naturally optimistic.  They would try new things.  They would draw, climb, taste, and do whatever that is pleasing to them or that is interesting.  However, if the parent tells the child, “Your drawing sucks, don’t draw,” or “You can’t even jump right, don’t bother playing basketball,” the classical “You won’t amount to anything” type of speech, then the child will not reach his or her full potential because he/she doesn’t know what their full potential is.  The child won’t try, won’t experiment what their mountain peaks are.  I feel it is safe for me to say that I am not born in an optimistic family.  One of my caretakers will use negative language to motivate me.  That person will say alternations of “You won’t amount to anything.”  That person will not encourage me to try new things.  That person will say I’m “stupid.”  My list is not exhaustive.  Thus, I am brought up in a negative mindset.  I would tend to see what I can’t do instead of what I can do first.  I would focus unduly on my problems and weaknesses instead of my strengths or what I can do about my problems.  I would get depressed a lot.  I am able to change my mind-set slowly by knowing Someone who is optimistic. 

I feel this world is very pessimistic.  People always look at the bad or assume the worse in people first.  Look at the TV shows, the daily news, or magazines.  People are attracted to negative things.  And then there are those people who are optimistic in making others pessimistic.  These people can be anywhere, in the real world or online.  They just seem to do their best in putting others down.  Those who experienced it will know what I mean.

I feel pessimism may be from Satan or the Evil One.  He will always try to discourage us.  He will always tell us, “No, you can’t do this; No you suck,” or “Why don’t you just die….”  God empowers but Satan disempowers. 

I’m happy to know that my God is an optimistic God.  The Lord is “patient… not wanting anyone to perish” (2 Peter 3:9).  He is optimistic that people will turn back to Him.  He sent his son Jesus to die for us in hopes that we can believe in Him.  "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13).

In writing about optimism, I want to note that optimism does not mean living in the skies all day and ignoring reality.  We do need to be a realist.  I would say our mindset needs to be 80% optimistic, 20% realistic, and 0% pessimistic. 

In this world, there will always be people who are pessimistic, but the only person who can truly be optimistic is yourself.  “And so it is with you… we are in charge of our ATTITUDES” (Charles R. Swindoll).

1/16/2014: Children [Discovery]

1/16/2014: Children

E: 3:10am

I know it is late but I have the desire, the urge to write.  I know I need to fix my sleeping pattern because, if I don’t, I am going to suffer big time once school starts next week.  But, thanks to my awkward sleeping schedule, I have a longing to write.  Maybe not a longing, I’m not sure how strong it is, but strong enough.  One thing I learned as a writer is that the desire, the primacy, to write can come at any time and if the writer chooses to ignore those urges, the writing quality, if the writer still chooses to write about that topic, will suffer.  I don’t know when my next full moon to write will come.  It could be tomorrow, or next month.

Today, I want to write about children.  Anne Frank wrote in her diary that the best remedy for people who are depressed or sad is to be with nature.  I agree that being with nature is good medicine, but, it’s hard for me to be in the outdoors here.  I can’t just go into somebody’s backyard to be alone with nature.  In my life experience, I find that the best remedy for people who are lonely, depressed, hopeless, or sad, is to be with children, is to help them.  Being with children reminds me of how beautiful this world can be.  That in this oftentimes hateful, impersonal, unjust world, being with children is not only a shelter from the sorrows of this world, but it shines a hope that humankind can be this way.

Even though I already brushed my teeth, I am going to eat that $1 chocolate bar I brought from a child at YWCA today.  When buying, I want to promote interaction, so I asked him which kind is best.  He told me he likes almonds.  I told him I like almonds, too, so I brought it.  After I brought it, his brother wanted to be the person to tally the number and type of chocolate bars sold.  However, the other brother also wanted to be the person.  So, they started to argue and fight.  I ended it by first moving them to a relatively quiet area (I am at the tutoring classroom) and then having the boys settle the issue by playing a game of rock-paper-scissors.  They have a unique way of playing that game.  When one of the boys lost, he didn’t fight or argue, because he knows there is fairness involved. 

OK, I’m already done eating that one serving chocolate bar so I’m eating some more chocolate.  I love chocolate but I will eat it, or try to eat it, in moderation.  Some people know their career choices ever since they were young.  I, unfortunately, was not one of them.  When I was in high school, I have a natural talent in computers (probably because I play games way too much), but I have no real desire to go into that field.  I wanted to help people, to make a difference in the world, not slaving in some game company causing more teens to be addicted to computer games.  So, I tried to be a nurse, then a teacher, and then a soldier.  During my education major years, I worked at the children afterschool program.  I remember, back then, that it stuck a chord in my heart.  For me, going to teach or tutor at the center was not work, but play.  I would also get sad or lonely at home but once it’s time for me to tutor, I brighten up. 

I’m still, from other people’s perspective, way too nice though.  I prefer explaining why a child should do things, to develop a child’s moral reasoning, than to just punish the child. 

So, there are two paths for me.  One is to continue my social work career and to become a social worker, helping people solve their problems (in social work, we are taught to use the word “challenges” instead).  I could do any combination of working right after earning my degree or trying to attain my master’s.  The other is to also finish my bachelor’s degree in social work but to join the federal Teach for America program.  This program allows most people with a bachelor’s degree or higher to become teachers after attending an intensive summer training program.  The new teachers are then placed in in-demand or needy areas and are paid as a starting teacher in their school district.  I know that as a social worker, I can also work with children.  However, I did a test job search at usajobs.gov and found most social work jobs to be dealing with the military.  It’s not I don’t want to help the military, it’s I’m not sure if I am capable.  Sure, on paper, it seems I’m more than qualified.  I have almost four years of active duty military service.  I’ve deployed.  But, I feel I am always behind the learning curve in the Army.  My struggles and coping styles are more unique than the typical soldier or most soldiers.  I have not seen actual combat so I don’t really know how a hardcore soldier is feeling.  I can attempt to comfort the soldier, or just “listen”, but I probably would not be able to emphasize with him or her.  Also, since social workers work for the federal government as well, they are responsible to weed out incapable soldiers.  This is when the agency’s mission conflicts with serving the client.  I don’t want to be the person who recommends that a soldier be chaptered out of the Army.  I myself was almost chaptered out or gave up many times due to my weaknesses.  Another historical option was to join the Peace Corps.  That used to be my golden plan.  I can fight for peace.  However, serving the Peace Corps is a volunteer assignment.  I won’t get paid a regular salary.  I can’t do that because I have loans to pay and money to save.  Perhaps once I get older, maybe, I’ll join.  I have also considered become a lawyer.  However, law school is expensive and I probably can’t afford it.  Even if I could get PLUS loans which covers the cost of living and tuition, I may have to work for some corporation or big-firms that pay a lot so I can pay off my debts.  Not only that, I also stutter when I speak.  I enjoy debate, but I’m not sure if being a lawyer is favorable.

So, back to the topic, I am probably going to be a teacher or a social worker that helps children.  Or maybe the homeless population.  Or maybe the prisoner population.  But, most likely children.  Children gives me joy.  It reminds me of a better world.  It allows me to help a vulnerable population.  But most important of all, being with children allows me to see God (Matthew 18:3).  

1/8/2014 [Discovery]

1/8/2014:

S: 2:42pm

E: 3:40pm

So sorry that I haven’t written for a while.  I feel these days, I would rather communicate my thoughts verbally, hence, I have been more of an extrovert by calling and talking to people.  I just hope I won’t be bothering them due to my adrupt change of behavior. 

What is a Friend?

I don’t know.  Maybe I make the worse friends.  I was hanging out with one of my friends partly because he feels alone.  While being with him, he has his quarks.  I could tolerate it, but he could sense my uneasiness so he kept telling me, “If you want to be my friend, then you have to accept who I am.”  It’s just the way he is, it’s all-or-nothing, OK, got it.  However, that statement somewhat bothers me.  I see friendship like a light form of marriage.  In a marriage, both couples will almost always need to bend a little in each other’s direction.  The husband/wife can change some of their bothersome habits, and the other spouse can change theirs, too.  Like friendships, it involves compromise.  When I’m with people, I control myself, with wisdom, so I can come out as friendlier to them. 

My First Client

Client confidentiality is a very important issue in social work but, happily, I have her permission to share what I did.  Well, I wasn’t actually a social worker helping someone, but these days, I feel like when I’m helping a person, I apply social work principles.  Ok, so here is an example.  The list may not contain everything about the client because I’m just drawing on what’s above the iceberg.

Carol (not her real name) is a 45 year-old woman.  She lives in Florida.  She has daughters whom both are living outside the house.  The oldest one is studying pre-med.  The youngest working and making a living on her own.  Her husband died recently.  Due to this, she suffered from severe depression.  Before her husband passed away, they lived in a family home.  However, following his death, the house was foreclosed.  Carol lost much of her belongings and moved to a small apartment.  Now, she is moving to another apartment, similar price, but with a nicer environment.  She said before, she used to be so happy.  “Life is wonderful,” she would tell me.  She is chronically unemployed, her last job more than a year ago as a bartender.  She quit her job because her supervisor, as she said, treated her horribly.  She is on-track to apply for Supplemental Security Income (SSI), however, her case, as she said, is taking a long time.  Her next hearing will be in June.  She has a dog and her dog helps a lot to keep her company.  She feels alone and isolated.  She also has financial troubles.  She has trouble paying rent and buying necessities.  She doesn’t have a bank account because she owes a few hundred dollars to the bank.  She is taking advantage of the SNAP food stamp program.  She is taking three medications for her needs.  One is to address hypothyroidism, another for depression, and the last to control muscle movements.  She told me that the hypothyroid medication helps to allieveate her depression the most and that she just got dignoisted by a doctor for that condition.  The doctor said to take that medication for two months.  However, due to a lack of funds, she couldn’t afford any of the medications.  She said she tries to eat healthy but that her appetite, due to her depression, has been poor.  She has a relatively poor social support system.  She was abused as a child.  Her family has been long divorced.  She has two sisters.  One sister is hostile to her and refused to help.  The other one did help her by giving emotional and some financial support.  Her mother is also not so well-off but she did give Carol some support.  She doesn’t go to church, she isn’t very religious.  That is her status in a nutshell. 

She has so many challenges.  Where can I start?  What can I do?  I remember in one of my social work classes, my professor gave a short story, like the one above, and told our class to identify the biggest issue.  I raised my hand and said that unemployment was the biggest issue.  I was thinking if the person has a job, then he/she will be able to have income, and thus, with money, more issues can be solved.  But no, I was wrong.  The biggest issue was mental health.  If the client has alcoholism, depression, or other personal issues, he/she may not be able to hold a job.  Thus, I would have wasted my efforts.  So, focusing on my client, my very first actually, I prioritized her issues.  I used the goals and objective approach.  I set the goals to be measurable, attainable, and with a time frame.  I considered making an eco-map, but I didn’t. 

So, for my diagnosis, I put the first priority for Carol is to set up a bank account.  If she has a bank account, it will be much easier for people to help her financially.  The second priority is her depression.  For that, she will need funds to purchase her depression medications.  The third item is her short-term expenses.  She needs to have the money to sustain herself at least in the short-term.  Fourth in sequence is employment.  I can assist her in finding a part-time job (no full-time because SSI won’t allow it).  With these four steps, I feel she will be much happier and will be able to live a self-sufficient life.  I could, if I am willing, modify the plan to add more details.  For example, she can join a support group or club.  I can research agencies around her area who may be able to assist her.  I’m writing this just to give an example of what I think social workers do.

There are more topics I want to write about but I ran out of time.  I will write more later.