My Discovery: December 2013

Monday, December 30, 2013

2013.12.29 [Discovery]

2013.12.29

I don’t feel like writing right now but a lot of things have happened that obliges me to write. I write for both myself and my readers so I cannot write too personally. Well, I think the things I write about are personal anyways but it won’t be too personal.

I think now I understand firsthand why only a special interviewer can interview a child at the Child Crisis Center. Nobody else can talk to the child about what happened. I have to talk to many people about why and how I feel and why I missed going to church for so long. Saying and repeating things over and over again tires me and diminishes the quality of my story. I could look to the good side and say that, by telling the story numerous times, I can be impromptu and tell a unique version of my story every time. But, the quality will vary. Or, I can just write this blog and refer people who ask to here. Just kidding.

Recently, I feel lonely. I feel like nobody loves or cares about me. I feel like a loser. So, in my distress, I called a Christian brother, and some sisters. I’m glad they took the time to listen and to help me. Before I continue, I want to say that I find it difficult to write. I just don’t feel like writing even though I want to. I think whether a person feels or not to feel to do something is like opportunity. If a person capitalizes on the opportunity, then that person gets a bonus to whatever he or she feels like doing. I’m writing mostly because I have to write because I am trying to write at least once a week. I used to write more in my heyday but it ebbs and flows. I want to thank Jesus for helping me and providing for me even though there are still many things I don’t understand. I also find that it takes time for me to “retool” to focus on something. For example, if I am playing computer games and someone calls me, then I won’t be as effective answering the call. However, if that person were to text me “call me soon,” then I have some time to adjust, drink some water, use the restroom, do some exercise, and try to focus on the task ahead. I practice this concept in the military as well. When I’m on my computer or sleeping and then someone knocks on everybody’s door because it’s time for barracks maintenance, I don’t go out right away. Doing so will cause me to be dazed and I won’t be able to do a good job. Instead, I stop what I’m doing and I take a short break. Then, I come out and join the rest of the body to clean. This practice helps me to focus on the task ahead and to prepare for the unexpected. If it’s really last minute, like if someone calls me, then I would take a few breaths and then answer.

Let me start by writing why I don’t (or used to) go to church. Today, I finally came back to my Chinese church in El Paso after a long abstance. The reason why I came is not really because it’s the last Sunday of the year but because I wanted to see a sister in that church who comes back to visit from college. I feel the reason why I don’t go can be blamed on both myself and the church. To start with the church, I feel, and this is how *I* feel, the church members as a whole don’t really love or care about me. I feel alone in the church many times. I feel like I can’t connect with most of the church members. I reasoned that since it’s a small church, I should be able to get to know everyone. By small, I mean about 70-80 members on Sundays on average. But, a church brother told me that I won’t be able to make friends or get to know everybody really well. Just making a few close friends from church is good enough. However, I told him I lacked even that. I mean, I do have friends, but I don’t talk to them a lot every week. Most church members are just on a “hi” and “bye” basis. You know, I tried to add some structure for this blog but I feel it is preventing me from writing, so I will just write what comes to mind. On other words, I will write more randomly. It’s kind of like me talking on the phone. I would talk about one thing and then that one thing may lead to another unrelated topic. Sometimes I ask myself how did I get there? I do want to make friends. I do want to be with people. I am still introverted but not extremely because I spend a lot of that time on things that I don’t want to do. For example, I love computer games, but, I don’t want to play it because I would rather do something that is more important. I would rather spend quality time with people than to play my games. And for friends, I don’t really want to make guy friends. I want to make girl friends. Why? Because I want a girlfriend. I want intimacy. I want to be able to talk to someone intimately and to share my life with her. My church members gave me some useful advice today. They told me that I should first make girl friends before I make a girlfriend. Ok, I really don’t feel like writing but I tried and I will continue later. It’s not like a final paper or something that I *have* to write.

12/30/2013

E: 3:42pm

I wrote this on Faithbook and I thought instead of reinventing the wheel or telling my story yet another time, I can just share this:

Yesterday, I finally went back to church after a long time! I was afraid to go back because I don’t want to lose face. People there may ask where have I been or why have I ditched them. But, I decided to go thanks to phone conversations with my church youth brother and sisters. I stopped going for many reasons, both internally and externally. Internally, I was depressed. I was frustrated and stressed out by life events at that time. I also didn’t want to go to church. I see it was a waste of time because of external reasons. Externally, I stopped coming because I felt my church members don’t really love or care about me. I have trouble making connections and relationships with church members despite my effort to try and talk to different people when possible. I also feel like there wasn’t enough time to bond with them. Only on special occasions like Easter or during lunch do I have the opportunity to talk to them. Language is also an issue. Many members are fluent in Chinese but not-so-good in English. For me, it’s the reverse. So, I couldn’t really understand them and they couldn’t really understand me. Finally, I felt the church leadership hampered my desire to serve God. There were times when I wanted to teach or say something meaningful but was discouraged or told to wait.

Going to church should be to fellowship with God and with people. However, if I couldn’t really fellowship with people, what is the point of going to church? I can just worship and pray to Him in my room. God sees, He knows the heart, He will be the judge.

I am going to try again going to my church. I talked with a few people yesterday about these issues and I got some insight. First, it’s impossible for anyone to make friends with everyone. It would be more realistic to just make a few good friends. Second, I am going to try again differently. I’m going to be more aggressive or proactive in getting the things that I want. I felt I didn’t get what I want because I was too soft, passive, and afraid. Third, I’m going to start hanging out the power group. Before, I would usually hang out with the youth or with people who seem to be alone. But now I realize, a likely factor of why things are so frustrating for me at church is because I didn’t hang out with the right people. I need to sit next to deacons, elders, and the like so I can also have some power and influence. It’s sad, but politics plays a big part in this world.

One thing I know for sure is I will still put God first. Whether my plans succeed or not depends on God and my willingness to follow Him. I want to do His will. I will try to be more active on Faithbook. So yeah, I’m trying to learn from my mistakes and to try again.

A lot about life is about power and as a future social worker, our task is to empower our clients, to give our clients more power so they can better themselves. Right now, to exaggerate a bit, my church is just run by a few old men. They are the ones who call the shots. True, church members can vote but the majority of the voice is from them.

This issue of power depresses me. It is like a big rat race that everybody is on. The only comfort I find is that an all-powerful and an all-loving God loves and cares about me. He will judge the world in the end.

Soldier Diaries [Discovery]

Saturday, December 21, 2013

2013.12.21 [Discovery / Improving Efficiency and Learnings]

2013.12.21:

E: 5:55pm

First, I would like to write about something that is bothering me acutely. Many times, it seems no matter how hard I try, I still lose and I still suck. The past few days, I have been investing my life in this strategy game. Yet, no matter how hard I tried, I still lost. I followed advice and guides and did what I was supposed to do. I used strategic placement. I implemented all my tactics and strategy, and yet, there is no way I could have beat the game. I guess there are games out there, I guess there are trials in life, that no matter how hard I try, I just couldn’t win. Win as in the earthly sense. I can do my best in something and still lose miserably.

For example, like today. Today, I donated plasma! Well, not quite. Yesterday, a caller from United Blood Services called me about the need for blood and asked if I was interested. I was, because I want to help people and they were persistent. I went to the blood center at noontime to check-in. While I was there, I noticed an easel-board at the entrance with a chart of the blood types that are needed and the type of “blood” that is in demand. For A+, which is my blood type, I noticed they needed platelets or something, not whole blood, which I typically donate. So, I told my nurse that I can volunteer for any procedure. Whatever is in demand, I can help fill it. So, she placed me to donate plasma. I’ve never donated plasma before but I have done some research into how it works. The initial assessment is fine. My blood is fine. My iron level, the part that might disqualify me, was at 15 g/dL. Yes! I’m glad I took my multi-supplements. My pulse is good. Ok, so everything is good. I just told my nurse that I felt a little nervous, but I always feel nervous every time when I donate because of the needle. After a brief wait, they hooked me up on a plasma donating machine. I asked if there are two needles, but they told me it will just be one. The machine will take my blood, filter the plasma, and return everything back through the same needle. Again, they asked me if I’m okay because I looked nervous. I told myself that even if I’m afraid, I’m still going to donate and help! I used my military training to motivate me to carry through this. I don’t care what happens, I’m going to donate plasma. I’m going to give them a Christmas present. Well, I was about to tell the staff that, but I decided to wait until the present is done before telling it. I’m glad I waited.

At first, everything went well. The machine started to take blood from my body. I pumped the ball once every five or so seconds. The first half of the cycle is done. Then, the machine started to return the blood back to my bloodstream. For the first three-quarters of that round, everything was normal. I did feel a slight tingle on my arm but I figured it is because my skin is more sensitive (I can feel the pain of the needle going into my arm) and that my nervousness is making the blood return a little more difficult. I couldn’t help my nervousness. I feel the fear but I also feel the desire. I tried to be calm, but I still felt apprehensive. On one part of the blood return, I actually giggled silently a bit. The tingling feeling tickles. As it was finishing up, a nurse came up and asked how am I doing? I was just about to answer “good” when my arm in the needle area started to hurt. I hesitated because I thought the pain would go away. It didn’t, it got worse. I told her “the needle is starting to hurt.” The pain intensified in just a few seconds so I escalated my dialogue. “It hurts, it hurts.” And then a few seconds later, “Ouch!” The nurse came, checked my arm and turned off the machine. This male nurse told me the needle moved and wasn’t in my bloodstream anymore. So, the machine was giving blood into my tissue which caused the pain. He told me there is going to be bruising. I told the nurse if they are going to continue. He said I’m done. I asked if the plasma donation was successful. He shook his head. They don’t want to risk getting my arm worse. I felt bad. All this wasted investment on me. All these sterile medical bags and instruments wasted because of me. I told him “sorry” and he said it’s fine, it happens. “I should have donated whole blood instead” I told him, “I’m used to that.” I felt the donation failed because of a combination of my nervousness (even though I got it under control) and my small vein size (compared to other males my age). This was a frustrating experience. I want to help people and I try. I got so far but I still caused more harm than good.

After this, I went to Wal-Mart to buy some slime for my car tires, a battery, a portable start-up charger, some college-ruled paper, and Christmas lights. I wore my jacket and covered up my green bandage. I don’t want people to see it. They may think I’m a hero because I donated blood but, in reality, I failed. I only came out of the store with the slime because I also did a bit of comparison shopping on the Internet and I found all the other items are cheaper there. Except for the college paper. I couldn’t find any college-ruled paper! And not just at Wal-Mart, at the PX as well, multiple times. I don’t understand why these mega-stores don’t have college-lined paper in stock. Oh well, I can buy a case of 36 packs of 150-sheets for $1 a pack online. That’s probably more college-ruled paper than I would ever need.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

12/15/2013: Week in Review [Discovery]

12/15/2013: Week in Review

S: 6:14am

E: 8:32am

I want to start by saying I’m a little upset at myself. My sleeping schedule is all messed up despite my effort to correct myself. At one point this or last week, I would sleep at 7 and wake up at 7. Sounds good, right? Except that I would sleep in am and wake up at pm. I went to the PX (military store) to buy sleeping and caffeine pills in an attempt to control myself. I took the sleeping pills but, surprisingly, it had little effect on my body. I cautioned myself on the use of drugs to control my bodily functions and I use it sparingly, only when I need to sleep because there is class the next day or a final. The fast few days, thanks to social assignments, I would sleep at 5 or 6pm and wake up at 2am. It’s better, but still.

Research shows that people who drink alcohol lightly at a regular basis tends to have better health than non-drinkers. I think the improvement has to do with the exercise the kidney gets when a person consumes alcoholic beverages. So, last week, I went to my class six military store and brought a 30-can Budweiser pack. I think to outsiders, they may think I’m buying it just to de-stress or to get high. It would be awkward for them to know I’m buying it for health reasons, just like how a glass of wine is good for your body. This thinking also goes along with contamination. It is not healthy to live in a perfectly clean environment. The body needs some contaminants to train itself to fight against hostile organisms. We inject enemy cells into our bodies (vaccinations) so our bodies can fight pathogens more effectively. By exposing our bodies, and our lives, to different things, we for the most part, enrich it.

This brings to my next point: balance. I am trying now to live a more balanced life. Before, and I hope my professors don’t read this :( , I would spend an inordinate amount of time on games. I had no balance, everything in my life was centered on computer games. I already know it’s very unhealthy and despite my best effort to control it, I fail. So now, I’m trying again. I don’t know how to explain it exactly but I feel the more I try something and the more I try frequently, the more success I get. So, playing game is just one aspect of my life. When I feel I am spending more than my fair share on games, I would do something else. I would pray, sing, play my guitar, read my textbooks, read my Bible, spend time with God, try to arrange time with friends, do physical exercise, try new projects, ect. If I spent too much time on one thing, on games for example, I would tell myself that I’m done for the day, or at least, until the end of the day.

Another issue I feel strongly about and would like to write is the issue of the existence of God. I remember the song “有一位神” (There is a God) by讚美之泉 (Stream of Praise). I do feel, by personal experience, that there is a God.

A few days ago, after I took my social work practicum final, I went to the UTEP Liberal Arts building with a few of my classmates to get some assignments done. When I’m done with my work and was walking downstairs to my bicycle, I saw something like this:

I went down another flight of stairs and I saw the same poster again. I couldn’t take it anymore so I took it out and put it in my pocket. I feel angry at both the person who posted this and at the people who wrote on it. For the person who posted this, I felt angry because the person lacked wisdom. Regardless if it’s true or not, the person should not put this because the audience is not ready. They will be hostile. At least give them simpler food like “Jesus loves You” or “Happy Birthday Jesus!” Second, even if the person puts those words, he or she still should refrain from posting it. My university is not religiously-affiliated. These religious doctrine, whether I agree or not, don’t belong there. The person could instead put a new Christian club that is forming with Bible studies on this and this day. I also have a feeling that the person who pasted this on the bulletin board had evil intentions. He or she might have made this to provoke the students to attack Christ or to show how stupid Christianity is. It is these bad examples from people with good or evil intentions that is giving God a bad smell. Second, I also felt anger and hurt at the people who wrote on the poster. Those negative comments can hurt people who adhere to that religion. I believe people should have the freedom to believe what they want to believe, no matter how ridiculous, without persecution. By persecution, I mean people should be free to believe without being treated negatively. People are free to voice their opinions, whether good or bad, but they need to own their ideas. Instead of writing “Your mom” or “God is dead,” they should write “I think it’s your mom, not Jesus” or “I think God is dead.” By owning their thoughts, they are inferring that their words are their own and is not be believed as truth. This concept is also used in conflict resolutions. If the person on opposite sides begin with the words “I feel” or “I think,” they are deescalating the conflict because each of them are only sharing what they feel, not as all-including truth.

In social work, I learned dominant and alternative paradigms. Knowing this can help me defend against those who attack Christianity, or in general, on religion. Traditional or dominant theories are theories that have made the most influence in the world. Those beliefs include the use of science and the scientific method as the supreme source for information and knowledge. In general, those paradigms are positivistic, objective, and quantitative. Alternative paradigms, on the other hand, are theories or belief systems that have had currently less influence in the world. These paradigms reject the notion that scientific, objective, positivistic and quantitative methods are the only or best way to further human knowledge. They believe that knowledge can also be gained through subjective, intuitive, interpretive, and qualitative means as well (Schriver, J. M.). I learned that paradigms are social constructs. Each population in a society has their own unique belief systems.

I believe that using science and concrete evidence is not the only way to prove that God exists (or not exist). God can also exist in our hearts. I believe in God because I experienced Him in my life. It is subjective, true, because I cannot prove it on paper but I can still feel Him. There is more that I want to write about this but, to continue, I need to study more.

Yesterday, I went to the morning UTEP graduation commencement! I went there to experience new things. I’ve been to a few high school graduations but never a college one. I didn’t know what it is like. I want to be prepared when I graduate in 2015, if God wills, and I don’t want to make mistakes in front of the camera. The experience is typical. I would clap for the graduates whom no one claps for. The weather was so cold. I bicycled there. I was going to wear more but I also need to take the comfortable warm indoor temperature into consideration, so I wore long pants, a long-sleeved shirt with a T-shirt, and a balaclava. My army balaclava is very nice. For a small amount of fabric and space, it keeps my neck and face warm. During dust storms in Kuwait, it also helps me to breathe and see.

After attending the commencement (I left early), I went to volunteer at the Boy and Girls club of El Paso. My Student Association of Social Workers had an event there. The entire event was also a challenge for me. First, I bicycled there and got lost. I used Google Maps and it told me to make a left on a street that wasn’t there. So, I improvised and got there, praise God. While passing, I passed by a bustling shopping district. Perhaps one day, I’ll go downtown to shop. I remember when I lived in Los Angeles, on occasion, my family would go to Chinatown in downtown to shop for unique items.

Our task at the Boy’s and Girl’s club is to assist customers to select free toys. The staff would give us a list which includes the number of children the family has. Each family can select three toys (was two) for each child. If the family elects a bicycle for that child, then those three toys goes to the bike. Maximum one bicycle per family. Each family also gets a pair of sandals and a puzzle. We would escort the clients to a room filled with toys. The toys are categorized by age and gender. I will explain the rules to the member and have him or her select the toys. We volunteers also carry the items they choose. I remember one time, a customer selected a tarot board with cards. The background of the box looks satanic and dark. Even though I don’t really agree with the customer’s choice, I still included the item in the bag. Client self-determination.

One major difficulty I had was my inability to speak Spanish. My fellow volunteers would brief me on words to say. “Dos juguetes por niño.” I took two semester of Spanish at UTEP but I still feel like I know next-to-nothing in the language. If I have more discipline, I will study up on Spanish. So here I am trying to explain to many of my clients in broken Spanish. “Cuatro niños so doce juguetes. Or you can get a bicicleta pero una bicicleta por la familia.” I had to ask my other social work students for help. During the selection, I would point and talk about the perks of various toys. I feel like a car salesperson. Overall, it was an exhausting, challenging, but fun event.

I feel I’m writing a little too much so to balance myself, I will conclude for the day. I try to write at least once a week but different things come up and that once a week sometimes becomes once a month. But I will still try.

Monday, December 9, 2013

2013.12.9: Why I suck (sarcastic) [Discovery]

2013.12.9: Why I suck (sarcastic)

S: 3:26am

E: 4:45am

Thinking about writing a short post on Facebook and being afraid led me to write this discovery. I find that one reason why I am shier, more introverted, and more afraid of people than normal is because I lack social contact and the social contact that I do have tends to be negative. Fine, perhaps not all or most of the time, but, to me, definitely more than my fair share.

This is a discovery about why I suck. More positively, this is a discovery attempting to discover more of the negative side of me and to make it positive.

One reason why (I suck, jk) I’m more introverted, shy, and afraid of people is probably because I was brought up with the mentality that I’m not good enough. When I was growing up as a child, my parents always tell me I’m not good enough. When I joined the Army, I’m not good enough. When I was in high school, I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough, I’m not good enough, I’m not good enough. This makes me want to run and hide and avoid taking risks. Due to this, I didn’t grow as fast as my peers. I don’t want to try and be told that I’m not good enough. BUT I have a heart to try, a heart to do good, to help others, thanks to God. So, I do try, but the times that I do try is because I have to, I can be perfect, or because God gave me the courage. The fear of being judged negatively by others, having experienced it, made me more likely to try only if I can do a job or task perfectly. Because if I can do it perfectly, people won’t have anything bad to say about me. This is one reason why I tell myself a lot that “God will be the judge” and “My times are in God’s hands” because it helps deflect some of the criticism that I’m sure will come, to God.

Having less social contact than normal is another factor of my introversion. Growing up, I don’t really talk to people a lot or hang out with them. I would spend most, if not all, of my time in front of a computer or playing computer games. So, when social situations come, I shy up because I don’t really know what to do. I become afraid so I try to avoid that, which compounds my issue of a lack of social contact. Looking back, if I could be with people more, to experience them, I would be less afraid and more confident doing anything with people actually. Being in the Army helped me A LOT in this realm. But, due to my lack of social and life skills, I was also right. People did attack and make fun of me because of my disability. Oh and there was no one encouraging me to be around with other people in my youth. Thanks to God again. Being humble with others and to God allows me to channel the negative criticism to God and to uncover those thorns so I can learn and grow. I tried to substitute my lack of social contact with God. “I don’t need to talk to people; I can just talk to God” or “God is my forever friend.” But, while what I am saying has some truth, I still need to talk to people because God made people.

Taking both points into context, I feel like every time when I *do* feel confident or when I *do* want to try, other people try to quench it. People would tell me that I suck or I don’t have the skill or I forgot to do this. It seems like every time I try to do something without being 100% perfect, something always fucks me over. I would either break some secret “unknown” rule or I didn’t know something everyone else knows (common sense) and I fail. I could get traumatized by this. There are times when I would spend hours and hours just thinking should I try something and planning all of its contingencies because of this or the fear of. Again, God helps me in this area. He tells me that He is in control. Whether I win or lose, fail or not, doesn’t really matter. I would tell myself “I can lose every battle but still win the war because I have God on my side. I just need to try.”

And recently, my depression causes me to avoid people, to avoid trying. I try to better myself, I try in so many areas but my body is so weak. I fail so many times. I do thank God that I win the important battles like turning in my final papers, that’s when my body suddenly felt like doing it partly because I had the willpower. I told myself that I will at least give it a fight, at least try. My depression or feeling sad about myself could cause me to be more isolated. Why is it that when bad things happen, more bad things happen and when good things happen, more of it happens, like rich gets richer? Or the cycle of poverty? I think it is one of the laws of life. But there is a God who is above the Law and gives mercy and grace. God, or at least the feeling of, since I can’t prove it (no one can except in supernatural cases), restores me and gives me a second chance.

So what should I learn about all this? I should be humble because people (especially me) are weak but God is strong. I should follow God always because He is all-powerful and all-loving. I should continue to always try even when I make mistakes and fail because God is in control. When I get hurt by life’s circumstances and that includes people and real or imagined, I should give it to God because He is the judge. I should not be afraid to do what I think is right because God or other people will correct me if I’m wrong and I can learn from it.

In conclusion, I fail. I fail every day. In fact, I am 99% confident that there is not one day when I did not make a mistake. But, what matters is that we try. We can fail every time we try and that’s great! But what matters is that we try. Why do we try? Because God tries.