The most important thing in my life, or at least I try to make it to be, is God. This is a blog about my reflections, thoughts, happenings, thinking, and my story with God.
See my older blogs at http://stevenlovesjesus.wordpress.com/
First, I would like to write about something that is
bothering me acutely. Many times, it
seems no matter how hard I try, I still lose and I still suck. The past few days, I have been investing my
life in this strategy game. Yet, no
matter how hard I tried, I still lost. I
followed advice and guides and did what I was supposed to do. I used strategic placement. I implemented all my tactics and strategy,
and yet, there is no way I could have beat the game. I guess there are games out there, I guess
there are trials in life, that no matter how hard I try, I just couldn’t
win. Win as in the earthly sense. I can do my best in something and still lose miserably.
For example, like today.
Today, I donated plasma! Well,
not quite. Yesterday, a caller from
United Blood Services called me about the need for blood and asked if I was
interested. I was, because I want to
help people and they were persistent. I
went to the blood center at noontime to check-in. While I was there, I noticed an easel-board
at the entrance with a chart of the blood types that are needed and the type of
“blood” that is in demand. For A+, which
is my blood type, I noticed they needed platelets or something, not whole
blood, which I typically donate. So, I
told my nurse that I can volunteer for any procedure. Whatever is in demand, I can help fill
it. So, she placed me to donate
plasma. I’ve never donated plasma before
but I have done some research into how it works. The initial assessment is fine. My blood is fine. My iron level, the part that might disqualify
me, was at 15 g/dL. Yes! I’m glad I took my multi-supplements. My pulse is good. Ok, so everything is good. I just told my nurse that I felt a little
nervous, but I always feel nervous every time when I donate because of the
needle. After a brief wait, they hooked
me up on a plasma donating machine. I
asked if there are two needles, but they told me it will just be one. The machine will take my blood, filter the
plasma, and return everything back through the same needle. Again, they asked me if I’m okay because I
looked nervous. I told myself that even
if I’m afraid, I’m still going to donate and help! I used my military training to motivate me to
carry through this. I don’t care what
happens, I’m going to donate plasma. I’m
going to give them a Christmas present.
Well, I was about to tell the staff that, but I decided to wait until
the present is done before telling it. I’m
glad I waited.
At first, everything went well. The machine started to take blood from my
body. I pumped the ball once every five
or so seconds. The first half of the
cycle is done. Then, the machine started
to return the blood back to my bloodstream.
For the first three-quarters of that round, everything was normal. I did feel a slight tingle on my arm but I figured
it is because my skin is more sensitive (I can feel the pain of the needle
going into my arm) and that my nervousness is making the blood return a little
more difficult. I couldn’t help my
nervousness. I feel the fear but I also
feel the desire. I tried to be calm, but
I still felt apprehensive. On one part
of the blood return, I actually giggled silently a bit. The tingling feeling tickles. As it was finishing up, a nurse came up and
asked how am I doing? I was just about
to answer “good” when my arm in the needle area started to hurt. I hesitated because I thought the pain would
go away. It didn’t, it got worse. I told her “the needle is starting to hurt.” The pain intensified in just a few seconds so
I escalated my dialogue. “It hurts, it
hurts.” And then a few seconds later, “Ouch!” The nurse came, checked my arm and turned off
the machine. This male nurse told me the
needle moved and wasn’t in my bloodstream anymore. So, the machine was giving blood into my
tissue which caused the pain. He told me
there is going to be bruising. I told the
nurse if they are going to continue. He said
I’m done. I asked if the plasma donation
was successful. He shook his head. They don’t want to risk getting my arm
worse. I felt bad. All this wasted investment on me. All these sterile medical bags and
instruments wasted because of me. I told
him “sorry” and he said it’s fine, it happens.
“I should have donated whole blood instead” I told him, “I’m used to
that.” I felt the donation failed
because of a combination of my nervousness (even though I got it under control)
and my small vein size (compared to other males my age). This was a frustrating experience. I want to help people and I try. I got so far but I still caused more harm
than good.
After this, I went to Wal-Mart to buy some slime for my car
tires, a battery, a portable start-up charger, some college-ruled paper, and
Christmas lights. I wore my jacket and
covered up my green bandage. I don’t
want people to see it. They may think I’m
a hero because I donated blood but, in reality, I failed. I only came out of the store with the slime
because I also did a bit of comparison shopping on the Internet and I found all
the other items are cheaper there. Except
for the college paper. I couldn’t find
any college-ruled paper! And not just at
Wal-Mart, at the PX as well, multiple times.
I don’t understand why these mega-stores don’t have college-lined paper
in stock. Oh well, I can buy a case of
36 packs of 150-sheets for $1 a pack online.
That’s probably more college-ruled paper than I would ever need.
Thinking about writing a short post on Facebook and being
afraid led me to write this discovery. I
find that one reason why I am shier, more introverted, and more afraid of
people than normal is because I lack social contact and the social contact that
I do have tends to be negative. Fine,
perhaps not all or most of the time, but, to me, definitely more than my fair
share.
This is a discovery about why I suck.
More positively, this is a discovery attempting to discover more of the
negative side of me and to make it positive.
One reason why (I suck, jk) I’m more introverted, shy, and
afraid of people is probably because I was brought up with the mentality that
I’m not good enough. When I was growing
up as a child, my parents always tell me I’m not good enough. When I joined the Army, I’m not good
enough. When I was in high school, I’m
not good enough. I’m not good enough,
I’m not good enough, I’m not good enough.
This makes me want to run and hide and avoid taking risks. Due to this, I didn’t grow as fast as my
peers. I don’t want to try and be told
that I’m not good enough. BUT I have a
heart to try, a heart to do good, to help others, thanks to God. So, I do try, but the times that I do try is
because I have to, I can be perfect, or because God gave me the courage. The fear of being judged negatively by others,
having experienced it, made me more likely to try only if I can do a job or
task perfectly. Because if I can do it
perfectly, people won’t have anything bad to say about me. This is one reason why I tell myself a lot
that “God will be the judge” and “My times are in God’s hands” because it helps
deflect some of the criticism that I’m sure will come, to God.
Having less social contact than normal is another factor of
my introversion. Growing up, I don’t
really talk to people a lot or hang out with them. I would spend most, if not all, of my time in
front of a computer or playing computer games.
So, when social situations come, I shy up because I don’t really know
what to do. I become afraid so I try to
avoid that, which compounds my issue of a lack of social contact. Looking back, if I could be with people more,
to experience them, I would be less afraid and more confident doing anything
with people actually. Being in the Army
helped me A LOT in this realm. But, due
to my lack of social and life skills, I was also right. People did attack and make fun of me because
of my disability. Oh and there was no
one encouraging me to be around with other people in my youth. Thanks to God again. Being humble with others and to God allows me
to channel the negative criticism to God and to uncover those thorns so I can
learn and grow. I tried to substitute my
lack of social contact with God. “I
don’t need to talk to people; I can just talk to God” or “God is my forever
friend.” But, while what I am saying has
some truth, I still need to talk to people because God made people.
Taking both points into context, I feel like every time when
I *do* feel confident or when I *do* want to try, other people try to quench
it. People would tell me that I suck or
I don’t have the skill or I forgot to do this.
It seems like every time I try to do something without being 100%
perfect, something always fucks me over.
I would either break some secret “unknown” rule or I didn’t know
something everyone else knows (common sense) and I fail. I could get traumatized by this. There are times when I would spend hours and
hours just thinking should I try something and planning all of its contingencies
because of this or the fear of. Again,
God helps me in this area. He tells me
that He is in control. Whether I win or
lose, fail or not, doesn’t really matter.
I would tell myself “I can lose every battle but still win the war
because I have God on my side. I just
need to try.”
And recently, my depression causes me to avoid people, to
avoid trying. I try to better myself, I
try in so many areas but my body is so weak.
I fail so many times. I do thank
God that I win the important battles like turning in my final papers, that’s
when my body suddenly felt like doing it partly because I had the
willpower. I told myself that I will at
least give it a fight, at least try. My
depression or feeling sad about myself could cause me to be more isolated. Why is it that when bad things happen, more
bad things happen and when good things happen, more of it happens, like rich
gets richer? Or the cycle of
poverty? I think it is one of the laws
of life. But there is a God who is above
the Law and gives mercy and grace. God,
or at least the feeling of, since I can’t prove it (no one can except in
supernatural cases), restores me and gives me a second chance.
So what should I learn about all this? I should be humble because people (especially
me) are weak but God is strong. I should
follow God always because He is all-powerful and all-loving. I should continue to always try even when I
make mistakes and fail because God is in control. When I get hurt by life’s circumstances and
that includes people and real or imagined, I should give it to God because He
is the judge. I should not be afraid to
do what I think is right because God or other people will correct me if I’m
wrong and I can learn from it.
In conclusion, I fail.
I fail every day. In fact, I am
99% confident that there is not one day when I did not make a mistake. But, what matters is that we try. We can fail every time we try and that’s
great! But what matters is that we try. Why do we try? Because God tries.
Note: This is my first blog on Google Blogger. I chose to use it to test it out so please be patient with me. Thanks!
Maybe I should write every day, at least short pieces. Perhaps writing daily will help me in my
life. Right now, my mind is kind of in
jumbo. I’m thinking so many things and
forgetting so many at the same time. I
feel disorganized right now, probably the worse time for me to write. :(
Maybe one of the best forms of writing is to write
uninhibited. There are exceptions, and
maybe a balance to that approach, of course, so wisdom will dictate when to use
them. Maybe I should change the tone to
myself. I feel I can write so much
easier. But, if I write to myself, I’ll
be too afraid to post it for everyone to see. So my tone will still be for others, maybe a
compromise of both. I’m writing so many maybes,
maybe that’s because there’s so much exceptions and maybes in life and we need
God’s wisdom to sort it out.
One thing that is bothering me quite a bit is my eye. No, it’s not damaged or anything, so don’t
feel sorry for me. Rather, I feel my eye
is getting more tired easily. I
attribute that to spending too much time in front of a computer. That is one reason why I started my weekly
(or I hope it to be) fast. I haven’t
fasted for a long time so the fast yesterday was a very lively experience. No, I didn’t feel much hunger pains, rather,
I feel like an electric sensation going through my arms and an altered state of
awareness, a little like feverish, mentally.
I do feel, however, that my body is recovering itself. All those dead cells being replaced. My body restoring balance. Not to mention I save a seventh out of my
food budget. Well, not quite, but more
like 6.5. My one-day fast was actually
closer to a 30-hour fast (no, not the famine although that was a good
experience). To adjust to my
computer-heavy eyeload, I would take breaks and use deep breathing to rest my
eyes. But I feel my eye is getting worse
(not vision-wise, stamina) hence the fast.
I also decided to fast as a time to grow closer to God, to realize that “man
does not live on bread alone but on the every word that comes from the mouth of
God.”
I messed up yesterday, I sinned against God, but I know that
as Christians, we will never be perfect in this life. I went to the “Rising Our Voices” event at
Sunshine Community Center on Friday with my La Fe Intervarsity Christian
Fellowship group (whew, long name) and the youth pastor there said those
words. Christians are not perfect but
forgiven but as Christians, we all try to be like the Heavenly Father, who is
perfect. We will finally reach our goal
once Christ comes again and gives us new bodies. And my eye got much better thanks to the
fast. I know, I’m a bit disorganized
right now.
I hate it how timeliness is almost everything. If I’m talking to a person and then I forgot
to mention an important word or phrase, then it’s almost always too late to add
it back and have the same effect. I get
that a lot when I was in the Army. I
would be so afraid talking to some people that I wasn’t able to express
myself. Or, and I just thought of this,
sometimes I would think of something that is cool or ingenious to say in class
but I was too afraid or too worried about the consequences that I let the
opportunity pass. Then, in hindsight, I
should have said it. Maybe, for me, if I
reach the point of debating to myself whether I should say something or not, I
should say it. My filter is already very
layered, like the clinical trials in medicine.
Goodness, I do have quite a few things to say, and that is because
this is the first of my many (hopefully) daily or at least semi-daily
discoveries (blog). So I got the
Positive Qualities chart from Hanna’s Herb Shop and it is great! I love it!
I took a picture of the chart and I’m going to share it on Facebook and
my blog very soon. One of the qualities I
am focusing on right now is “high-minded.”
Many times, I find that I’m focusing on low things, my mind sometimes
gets in the gutter, ahem. I want to
focus on things that are, according to Philippians 4:8, pure, lovely,
admirable, or excellent. Some of the
traits, I’m still evaluating myself so please don’t judge me :) , I already
have or have experienced. Traits such as
enduring, frugal, careful, reflective, precious, childlike, among others. But the mass majority, I lack, and some I
never even heard about. But, it’s
okay. What matters is the journey. Which brings me to my next point (thank God I
remembered).
One thing I learned, and thanks to other people’s
contributions, is not to see life as goals.
If I don’t get an A I’m a loser.
If I don’t make this interview then I suck. If I can’t get into my Social Work program
than life has no meaning. If we see life
from a goal or external perspective, we will tend to give up more easily if
life doesn’t go our way. I was reading
an article two weeks ago on Wall Street Journal about the reason why the author
got this far in business is because he had a “systems” approach as opposed to
what I call a goal approach. Life gave
him many setbacks, he made many mistakes, but he still chose to keep
going. What gave him the strength to
keep going was in his approach. He doesn’t
place a high emphasis on winning or losing but on effort, on enduring, on not
giving up. I call it the journey approach. I want to see life and my dreams and
strivings as a journey not as a win-or-lose goal. I didn’t get the job I want. Not a big deal. What matters is I’m on my journey. Storms may come, my feet may get muddy, I may
even take steps back or get lost, but as long as I’m on my journey, as long as
I’m on my path, that’s what counts. It’s
okay if I can’t become a lawyer and fight for human rights. It’s okay if I can’t have a high-paying
job. It’s ok. I just need to keep in the journey or path
that God has given me. Great things will
come naturally if I just focus on my journey.
I call my journey the Paladin’s path. I think it should be the cleric’s path. If you ever played dungeons-and-dragon’s type
games or got really into the Lord of the Rings, you will know what I mean. Actually, if you just like medieval RPG-type
games, you will know what I mean. When I
was in the Army, I wanted to be like a Paladin.
A paladin uses physically as well as spiritual strength to fight against
evil. Back then, it sounds fitting for
me. I was more extroverted, I was around
people a lot more. But now, I feel like
being a paladin is no longer a perfect fit.
A paladin is 50% spiritual and 50% physical. I’m not that physical. Instead, I’m more like a cleric (75%
spiritual/magical and 25% physical or melee).
I prefer to spend more time on God than with people or with this
world. I still want to be with people
and lead them gently to Christ, hence the 25% physical, but I feel more
comfortable with God. I’m not as
spiritual as a priest, or for non-faith terms, a mage, who is 100%
spiritual/magical. As a cleric, I’m more
behind-the-scenes support but I can still fight if I chose to. Ok, I’m talking in codes but if you like RPG
games, you will know what I mean.
Gosh, so many status updates. No wonder I chose to have a blog instead of writing
tons of Facebook updates. Lol, just
kidding. I started writing a journal since
7th grade because I want to be more in-tune with myself and because I
feel it will hold some significance in the future.
I am also looking for ways to earn more money. It’s hard.
I tried to find ways in the past but I always reached a roadblock. Oh you can fill out surveys. I tried that and more often than not, it’s a gimmick
or completely not worth my time. I have
spent half an hour just trying to qualify for a survey only to be
rejected. Wow, how wonderful is
that. I was forced to lie and even then,
many times, the agency won’t reward you the survey credit. It’s a mess.
Second, I can sell stuff. But I
don’t have much stuff to sell. Well, I
do have some, but I don’t know the procedures or how to sell them on eBay. I’m going to find out. Third, I can have my own vegetable garden or
make stuff! But the problem is I’m
renting my room and there’s not much stuff I can make. I could learn sewing but is it worth the time
to make something that could be sold at Wal-Mart for $5? I am planning to have a little fruit orchard
or a vegetable garden once I own a house.
And I prefer to move to a place where there is plenty of annual
rainfall. Then, I can also install a
rainwater collection system. Ok, I’m
getting off-topic. Bottom line is, there’s
not a lot of ways to make money besides working. Oh and I could invest, but that’s for the
long-term. I want money now.
Recently, in the past few days, I gained more of an insight
in making money off-hand. I could sell
my blood plasma. El Paso has a plasma
center very close to where I live. I
could get, if the prices are still current, about $30 per donation and I can
donate twice a week. That’s $60 a week
or, being optimistic, $240 a month.
Pretty good deal. I do need to
learn how to see stuff on eBay. The part
I’m most confused in is when a customer places an order. What do I do next? Do I just get a box, write the customer’s
mailing address, and ship it from a local post office? A church family gave me a box of Super
Nintendo games and I’m thinking about selling them. I feel bad about selling those because it has
sentimental value. I also could, ok don’t
hate me, sell my sperm at a sperm bank.
When it is time for me to masturbate, I will not use any of their
supplementary materials because I don’t want to sin against God. However, the problem with that is I may not
qualify. In general and to be stereotypical,
I need to be White, six-feet tall, and a traceable family history going back to
at least four generations. Well, I could
give it a try, but I’m not optimistic.
I want to end my post about God. What I really need to do, and what I would
ideally want to do if I have the discipline, is just to talk to God. That is the best use of my (and I daresay
our) time. I do find that everything
(good) comes from God. Being with God
gives me peace, direction, purpose, and inspiration, and wisdom. If I can just spend time with God all the
days of my life, then everything will be ok.
It is the life to come that counts.
One of the values I am focusing on, as I wrote earlier, is “high-minded.”
I don’t want to waste my time or focus
on things that are worthless, so, I spent my time on productive things. However, the things I switched to
productively doesn’t really focus on God.
I just shifted gear to how to make more money, interesting information
that might be useful, and real-world life learning. The chief of high-minded is in the
spirit. I should also be focusing more
time on spiritual things. That is partly
why I feel so disorganized and random. I
need to seek God first and then everything else.
Ok, this is another one of my longest blog/discovery/journal
pieces I have written in a while, at 2,085 words and counting. To end this blog, I want to share a song that
gave me motivation. “They can try to
deny what’s inside of me / But there is more, can’t ignore all the things
unseen.” I know that it is God who
helped me in my life and without Him, I would die. The secular world can call this “God” by
other names, such as wishful thinking, positive thinking, stress-displacement,
empowerment, inner-strength (strange cause I feel I got none), placebo effect,
etc, but I know that it is God’s spiritual power that gave the strength and
power to live life. Without God, I would
had broken down when times are hard.
Instead, I pray and I felt strength.
It’s hard to explain it. I know
God is real because I’ve experienced Him working in my life.
