2013.12.21 [Discovery / Improving Efficiency and Learnings]

2013.12.21:

E: 5:55pm

First, I would like to write about something that is bothering me acutely.  Many times, it seems no matter how hard I try, I still lose and I still suck.  The past few days, I have been investing my life in this strategy game.  Yet, no matter how hard I tried, I still lost.  I followed advice and guides and did what I was supposed to do.  I used strategic placement.  I implemented all my tactics and strategy, and yet, there is no way I could have beat the game.  I guess there are games out there, I guess there are trials in life, that no matter how hard I try, I just couldn’t win.  Win as in the earthly sense.  I can do my best in something and still lose miserably. 

For example, like today.  Today, I donated plasma!  Well, not quite.  Yesterday, a caller from United Blood Services called me about the need for blood and asked if I was interested.  I was, because I want to help people and they were persistent.  I went to the blood center at noontime to check-in.  While I was there, I noticed an easel-board at the entrance with a chart of the blood types that are needed and the type of “blood” that is in demand.  For A+, which is my blood type, I noticed they needed platelets or something, not whole blood, which I typically donate.  So, I told my nurse that I can volunteer for any procedure.  Whatever is in demand, I can help fill it.  So, she placed me to donate plasma.  I’ve never donated plasma before but I have done some research into how it works.  The initial assessment is fine.  My blood is fine.  My iron level, the part that might disqualify me, was at 15 g/dL.  Yes!  I’m glad I took my multi-supplements.  My pulse is good.  Ok, so everything is good.  I just told my nurse that I felt a little nervous, but I always feel nervous every time when I donate because of the needle.  After a brief wait, they hooked me up on a plasma donating machine.  I asked if there are two needles, but they told me it will just be one.  The machine will take my blood, filter the plasma, and return everything back through the same needle.  Again, they asked me if I’m okay because I looked nervous.  I told myself that even if I’m afraid, I’m still going to donate and help!  I used my military training to motivate me to carry through this.  I don’t care what happens, I’m going to donate plasma.  I’m going to give them a Christmas present.  Well, I was about to tell the staff that, but I decided to wait until the present is done before telling it.  I’m glad I waited.

At first, everything went well.  The machine started to take blood from my body.  I pumped the ball once every five or so seconds.  The first half of the cycle is done.  Then, the machine started to return the blood back to my bloodstream.  For the first three-quarters of that round, everything was normal.  I did feel a slight tingle on my arm but I figured it is because my skin is more sensitive (I can feel the pain of the needle going into my arm) and that my nervousness is making the blood return a little more difficult.  I couldn’t help my nervousness.  I feel the fear but I also feel the desire.  I tried to be calm, but I still felt apprehensive.  On one part of the blood return, I actually giggled silently a bit.  The tingling feeling tickles.  As it was finishing up, a nurse came up and asked how am I doing?  I was just about to answer “good” when my arm in the needle area started to hurt.  I hesitated because I thought the pain would go away.  It didn’t, it got worse.  I told her “the needle is starting to hurt.”  The pain intensified in just a few seconds so I escalated my dialogue.  “It hurts, it hurts.”  And then a few seconds later, “Ouch!”  The nurse came, checked my arm and turned off the machine.  This male nurse told me the needle moved and wasn’t in my bloodstream anymore.  So, the machine was giving blood into my tissue which caused the pain.  He told me there is going to be bruising.  I told the nurse if they are going to continue.  He said I’m done.  I asked if the plasma donation was successful.  He shook his head.  They don’t want to risk getting my arm worse.  I felt bad.  All this wasted investment on me.  All these sterile medical bags and instruments wasted because of me.  I told him “sorry” and he said it’s fine, it happens.  “I should have donated whole blood instead” I told him, “I’m used to that.”  I felt the donation failed because of a combination of my nervousness (even though I got it under control) and my small vein size (compared to other males my age).  This was a frustrating experience.  I want to help people and I try.  I got so far but I still caused more harm than good. 

After this, I went to Wal-Mart to buy some slime for my car tires, a battery, a portable start-up charger, some college-ruled paper, and Christmas lights.  I wore my jacket and covered up my green bandage.  I don’t want people to see it.  They may think I’m a hero because I donated blood but, in reality, I failed.  I only came out of the store with the slime because I also did a bit of comparison shopping on the Internet and I found all the other items are cheaper there.  Except for the college paper.  I couldn’t find any college-ruled paper!  And not just at Wal-Mart, at the PX as well, multiple times.  I don’t understand why these mega-stores don’t have college-lined paper in stock.  Oh well, I can buy a case of 36 packs of 150-sheets for $1 a pack online.  That’s probably more college-ruled paper than I would ever need.  

2013.12.9: Why I suck (sarcastic) [Discovery]

2013.12.9: Why I suck (sarcastic)

S: 3:26am

E: 4:45am

Thinking about writing a short post on Facebook and being afraid led me to write this discovery.  I find that one reason why I am shier, more introverted, and more afraid of people than normal is because I lack social contact and the social contact that I do have tends to be negative.  Fine, perhaps not all or most of the time, but, to me, definitely more than my fair share. 

This is a discovery about why I suck.  More positively, this is a discovery attempting to discover more of the negative side of me and to make it positive. 

One reason why (I suck, jk) I’m more introverted, shy, and afraid of people is probably because I was brought up with the mentality that I’m not good enough.  When I was growing up as a child, my parents always tell me I’m not good enough.  When I joined the Army, I’m not good enough.  When I was in high school, I’m not good enough.  I’m not good enough, I’m not good enough, I’m not good enough.  This makes me want to run and hide and avoid taking risks.  Due to this, I didn’t grow as fast as my peers.  I don’t want to try and be told that I’m not good enough.  BUT I have a heart to try, a heart to do good, to help others, thanks to God.  So, I do try, but the times that I do try is because I have to, I can be perfect, or because God gave me the courage.  The fear of being judged negatively by others, having experienced it, made me more likely to try only if I can do a job or task perfectly.  Because if I can do it perfectly, people won’t have anything bad to say about me.  This is one reason why I tell myself a lot that “God will be the judge” and “My times are in God’s hands” because it helps deflect some of the criticism that I’m sure will come, to God. 

Having less social contact than normal is another factor of my introversion.  Growing up, I don’t really talk to people a lot or hang out with them.  I would spend most, if not all, of my time in front of a computer or playing computer games.  So, when social situations come, I shy up because I don’t really know what to do.  I become afraid so I try to avoid that, which compounds my issue of a lack of social contact.  Looking back, if I could be with people more, to experience them, I would be less afraid and more confident doing anything with people actually.  Being in the Army helped me A LOT in this realm.  But, due to my lack of social and life skills, I was also right.  People did attack and make fun of me because of my disability.  Oh and there was no one encouraging me to be around with other people in my youth.  Thanks to God again.  Being humble with others and to God allows me to channel the negative criticism to God and to uncover those thorns so I can learn and grow.  I tried to substitute my lack of social contact with God.  “I don’t need to talk to people; I can just talk to God” or “God is my forever friend.”  But, while what I am saying has some truth, I still need to talk to people because God made people. 

Taking both points into context, I feel like every time when I *do* feel confident or when I *do* want to try, other people try to quench it.  People would tell me that I suck or I don’t have the skill or I forgot to do this.  It seems like every time I try to do something without being 100% perfect, something always fucks me over.  I would either break some secret “unknown” rule or I didn’t know something everyone else knows (common sense) and I fail.  I could get traumatized by this.  There are times when I would spend hours and hours just thinking should I try something and planning all of its contingencies because of this or the fear of.  Again, God helps me in this area.  He tells me that He is in control.  Whether I win or lose, fail or not, doesn’t really matter.  I would tell myself “I can lose every battle but still win the war because I have God on my side.  I just need to try.”

And recently, my depression causes me to avoid people, to avoid trying.  I try to better myself, I try in so many areas but my body is so weak.  I fail so many times.  I do thank God that I win the important battles like turning in my final papers, that’s when my body suddenly felt like doing it partly because I had the willpower.  I told myself that I will at least give it a fight, at least try.  My depression or feeling sad about myself could cause me to be more isolated.  Why is it that when bad things happen, more bad things happen and when good things happen, more of it happens, like rich gets richer?  Or the cycle of poverty?  I think it is one of the laws of life.  But there is a God who is above the Law and gives mercy and grace.  God, or at least the feeling of, since I can’t prove it (no one can except in supernatural cases), restores me and gives me a second chance. 

So what should I learn about all this?  I should be humble because people (especially me) are weak but God is strong.  I should follow God always because He is all-powerful and all-loving.  I should continue to always try even when I make mistakes and fail because God is in control.  When I get hurt by life’s circumstances and that includes people and real or imagined, I should give it to God because He is the judge.  I should not be afraid to do what I think is right because God or other people will correct me if I’m wrong and I can learn from it.

In conclusion, I fail.  I fail every day.  In fact, I am 99% confident that there is not one day when I did not make a mistake.  But, what matters is that we try.  We can fail every time we try and that’s great!  But what matters is that we try.  Why do we try?  Because God tries.