What should I do with my housing condition? [Counsel Panel]

Started on 11/4/2015

So I asked friends and family and talked to myself for some advice for my future and here is a good listing of opinions that I got.  I’m so confused!  It’s like I’m hearing different voices.  Each of these “advice” seem to be sound. 

Should I buy a house here in El Paso? / What should I do with my housing condition?

Advisor 1: It doesn’t really matter what you do, either way is fine.  God will take care of you.  What matters is that you worship God.

Advisor 2: You should move back Los Angeles and stay with your dad.  I know you care about privacy but your dad is getting old.  The rent is free.  He welcomes you.  I know you might be afraid of him but I think you are better prepared now.  Plus, you can also find a job there as well.  As for the church, remember that home church that you been to once?  They were very nice.  I’m sure you can rejoin them.  Failing that, you can just find a church to your liking.  I’m sure there are supernatural churches in LA.

Advisor 3: You should just stay in El Paso.  You know the area, you know Fort Bliss.  You can be more independent.  You can talk to yourself and to God more and more openly.  Plus, you have your supernatural church here. 

Advisor 4: You should focus on three things only: God, money, and a soulmate.  Those are the three things that make you happy.  El Paso has God, a little money, and probably a soulmate.  Los Angeles can have God, more money, but it might be harder to find a soulmate if you live with your parents. 

Advisor 5: Just continue to stay where you are.  Rent for now.  You are still uncertain about your future, whether you want to continue school, go into trucking, go into the postal service, or stay at your call center job.  And, your Ignite church will be moving, location unknown.  Wouldn’t it be nice to move right next to your church?  And, since you want to stay where you are, which is right next to UTEP, perhaps you should go to school full-time.

Advisor 6: Same as above but go to school part-time and work part-time.  It’s important that you at least have some income.  It’s not good to depend too much on your family and loans that you have to pay back.

Advisor 7: Buy the house.  You can rent out the house to other people and have an income there.  You can have more diversified income.  Plus, you have family support.

Advisor 8: You are already 28 years old.  You’re running out of time to prepare yourself.  Just get established.  Stay at your call center job, buy a house here in El Paso, work full-time or part-time and be with God, and go to your supernatural church.  God will take care of the rest.

Advisor 9: You know what?  Life is just too difficult.  There are too many stress, difficulties, regrets, and unknowns.  I think you should just die and be with God.  The living will envy the dead.

Advisor 10: Quit your call center job.  You should be working at a happy job, not a gloomy job where you deal with negative people.  Find a happy job, anywhere, and stay there.  Do a job that you like, for example trucking.  You say you can talk to God and listen to your Christian music while you drive.  Wouldn’t that be nice?  And the paycheck isn’t too bad either.

Advisor 11: Stay in El Paso.  Your spiritual mentor already told you that you are living in the end times.  You need to be attending a supernatural church.  Just stay in El Paso, do what you need to survive here, and worship God.

Advisor 12: Buy a house, don’t rent.  Renting gives your money to the landlord.  Buying invests the money in yourself.  Plus, you can rent it out to other people for extra money.  Buy as soon as possible.  If you calculated the total amount that you spent in rent, you would have been able to do a nice down payment on a house already.

Advisor 13: Move to a cheaper place.  If you buy, you have to pay the property tax, which, as you calculated, is about $100-$150 a month.  With that cost, it is better to just find a cheaper place to rent for, say $200-300 a month with all utilities included.  You are paying about $400 a month currently.  Just bring it down to $300 and you save $1,200 a year.  

Advisor 14: If you buy the house, you can not only rent but can help other people.  If someone is in need, they can stay for free and you can help them.  Additionally, you can have a room *just* for God, like a temple in the old times.  Not having a room distracts my relationship with God to a degree.  Wouldn’t it be nice to have a room, where it is completely dark, with maybe a candle, a cross, and spiritual decorations around to set the atmosphere where you can spend an eternally there?  That room can be your altar.  I know your pastor said that is the old times but it is still possible and I will still make sacrifices to God (personal sacrifices). 

Advisor 15: You don’t need a degree to do social work.  You made a mistake.  You should focus on helping yourself instead of trying to save the world.  Get a second degree in a technology field and then apply for jobs in the Silicon Valley area.  Last I heard, there is a huge demand for jobs.  And you can be happy; you will have a happy job. 

There is a saying I made myself that goes “If I don’t know what to do, I will worship You.”

My Everything

2015.11.3: My Everything

12:48am – 1:04am

His grace is all I need.  His power when I’m weak.  And His love that carries me will always be enough.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t want to write anymore.  ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  I count my life as worth living if I have a girl and God.  No games.  I remember telling my mentor that, the three G’s, but she told me to take out games.  Correction, she told me to leave in only God.  Haha, of course.  More of Him and less of me. 

--------------------------------  I know what to do with money but I need God to give me more.  Why is money given to those who cannot manage it?  Well, I might be wrong, but it may seem so.  And I’m the outlier. 

Anyways, what I want to write today is about God’s love and God’s grace.  He helped me so much.  People may not see it.  I may not feel it, but God is helping me.  He is giving me mercy and grace.  God gives me mercy and grace.  And I am rebuilding my altar.  My altar in the evening dews and damps.  7 days with God --------------------------------------------------  But every day after that must be for God, if I mess up, then I have to do the seven days again.  -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

God is my only bright spot.  He is my only hope.  In the hopelessness of this world, of my world, He is my shining light.  He is the one that keeps me singing.  I don’t care what they think; I don’t care what they say, with God. 

I have to be the one that stays with the supplies because I am too weak to fight on Halloween.  And I only watched the supplies for a fraction of the time I am supposed to watch it. 

I know what God requires of me.  To give him sacrifices every day.  To build my altar for Him every day.  To seek Him daily.  To be intimate with Him.  Every discretionary time should be spent with Him.  There is never too much. 

I feel writing this blog, in some ways, hurts my faith.  I’m not writing to show up.  No, I’m writing to share.  But that intention gets attacked by other special interests. 

The only thing I have left is God.  He is the one, the only one, that keeps me alive.  He is the only one that keeps me singing.  He is the only one that gives me true happiness, or happiness in general.  He is the only one whom I can talk to, to seek justice, to bless, to intercede.  He is my equalizer.  He is my secret weapon.  He is my everything.  

If I don’t know what to do….

10/29/2015: If I don’t know what to do….

10:26am – 10:57am

In this world, nothing is permanent; everything is temporary.  The only thing that is permanent; the only thing that is everlasting, is God.  Right now, I am focusing on whether I should move or not; whether I should stay or go.  If I move, I will live closer to my church and my workplace, but, there are contraindications (I was looking for this word, I need to use this in my daily vocabulary).  The church may move, further east.  My workplace will move, a little to the west.  Well, I told myself that those changes should be acceptable and by moving, it will still make going to these places easier.  But, what if I were to move again?  What is the cost of moving?  What is my cost?  I wish I could be more portable.  I wish I can fit the biggest furniture in my car. 

Moving in one day or two is stressful.  I plan to move in the space of a month.  That way, when I go to work or church, I can just stop by and unload my belongings.  It will cost more, yes, but I will have less stress.  Then what about the big stuff: the bookshelves?  I could unscrew them and “fold” them to set it up once I move there.  What about my bed and the wooden base I put on top so I can sleep better?  That, I will have to ask for help and I believe that God will give me the grace.  So, in the end, it’s just the bed.  That’s just the moving part, part of the one-time charges part (I use “one-time charges” because I use them in my workplace). 

Then, there is another factor to consider.  Whether I plan to stay at my workplace.  If I really am focused on my goals, to be self-sufficient and to make money, then I would quit my workplace and go full-time study.  But, what about my finances?  Well, I can ask my family.  I can use government loans.  I can use my GI bill, just like in the past.  But, there are contraindications to that as well.  My GI bill isn’t going to cover if I have to study for more than 2 years.  I will increase my student loan debt.  And asking for my family for help, still, is akin to begging and freeloading. 

An alternative is to work part-time and study part-time.  But, if I do that, my education costs will go up in the long-run.  Parking permits, library fees, charges that my university has that make taking part-time classes less advisable.  But, I do have a boon.  I renewed my residential parking permit which allows me to park in the vicinity of UTEP for a year. 

Another alternative is to go postal.  Just kidding, I don’t mean by that.  I meant to go into the postal service.  I’ve always considered that and I did look for job availability in El Paso.  Unfortunately, there was none at the time I looked.  Funny thing is, within a few weeks of applying at my call center job, I happen to see on the news that there are openings available (And I don’t watch TV).  I could just study for my postal exam, the 473 possibly.  While there are no openings in El Paso, I can use this time to just study for the exam.  But if I do that, then I might have to kiss my enrollment at UTEP (for the second time) goodbye.

Then another factor is the talent that God gave me, which is in computers.  So, perhaps I should just go back into school and get at least a bachelors in a computer-related field. 

I need to stop worrying about missing my potential and all that.  No, God will give me grace.  My potential is found in God alone. 

I even thought about moving elsewhere for better job prospects, but, I found that me and my church are inseparable.  “We are living in the end times,” my spiritual mentor told me.  “You need to attend a supernatural church.” 

So, decisions and decisions.  What to do and what to do?  I have a saying that I made myself in the past that goes, “If I don’t know what to do, I will worship You.”  Maybe I should do that.  And, in the meantime, move closer to my supernatural church.  

Grace Wins

2015.10.23: Grace Wins

12:27am – 12:43am

This six hour schedule is nice.  It allows me to balance the stress of work.  However, I do get one less 15-minute break, which stinks.  I do, however, get a 30-minute lunch instead of a 60-minute one. 

My supervisor today still thought I worked the nine hour shift, lol.  But he quickly corrected himself.  I have a feeling he won’t make the same mistake again.

I have worked full-time for about a month now and it is just too stressful for me, so I opted for 6-hours instead.  6 hours is still tough, it is no piece of cake, especially with customers who want to take cakes from you. 

But, praise God, I am able to deescalate customer’s calls thanks to God’s power.  I was going to just say “power” but where does power come from?  It comes from God. 

I told myself to write every day, to keep a journal daily.  This is my attempt.  In a way, it is easier since I already got into the practice of writing.  But, the more I write, heh, at least for now, the less I will share.

Or maybe I’ll share it later, sometime later in my life.  When I look back at my life, at my diaries, at my journals, at my discoveries, perhaps I can achieve something. 

------------------------------------------------------------  To have intimacy without shame.  I write that, but what does “intimacy without shame” mean?  I guess I want intimacy without fear.  I want intimacy with security, with peace, with love.  Right now, I can only say it seems.  Every negative thing I see in my life will be “it seems,” but every positive thing will be a certainty.  It seems my life is a failure but God has a hope and a future for me. 

I am going back to school.  I must always move up and not be stuck at where I’m at.  I must always try to reach my potential.  With God, who is stronger than people, I will achieve it. 

Many times in my life these days, I feel like I’m getting reports from the twelve tribes of Israel.  When Joshua sent twelve spies each from the twelve tribes of Israel, ten gave a negative report while only two gave a positive one.  And what does the people believe?  They believed in the negative one.  I feel my life is similar.  Ten of my spies give me negative reports.  They tell me life is too hard, that I’m not going to make it, that I will get hurt, that I shouldn’t be too trusting and loving and forgiving.  However, the two spies in my life tells me that as long as I trust in God, He will take care of me.  That with God all things are possible.  That all things are possible through God who strengthens me.  That God has a plan and a future and a purpose for me.  That God still loves me.  That grace wins in the end. 

I love Matthew West’s song “Grace Wins.”  That song tells me that grace and guilt are battling in my mind but grace will win in the end. 

There’s a war between

Guilt and Grace

And it’s fighting for

A sacred space

But I’m living proof

Grace wins every time

I need to pray and pray and pray for others and pray for people and pray for myself.  I am still in my 30-day relentless for God.

Ok, I don’t want to write too much.  I need to sleep now.  The exception is if I choose to seek God.  Either worship or pray or read for God.  For God.  Only God.  He is my exception. 

God, I have so much stress in my life, but please guide me and help me.  I’m… I need your help.  The only comfort, the only victory I get, is when I spend time with God. 

Grace for Rest

2015.10.21: Grace for Rest

2:21am – 2:31am

Blessings to God.  He gave me grace today.  Right now, I’m also listening to Christian music.  Music from before the Army.  Music from during the Army.  And music from after the Army.  Music from Ignite.  So many musical influences in my life. 

I asked for a lighter burden because I cannot handle the stress.  I was almost close to quitting.  To resigning.  That call center job, it’s just too difficult and stressful for me.  But, I was able, with God, no, with God I was able, more credit to God and less to me, to still have that job.  My plan now is to continue to go to college and earn my second degree in computer science.  I must never stop growing.  I must never stop striving.  I don’t care about my circumstances.  God will find a way. 

But even with the lighter load, it wasn’t as light as I expected.  I wanted only 4 hours a day for work but instead, I got 6.  I wanted Wednesdays off but instead, I have to wait for at least a few weeks before I will be able to change my schedule to having Wednesdays and Saturdays off, working from 2-8pm.  This is good news.  I will be able to attend both Sundays and Wednesdays supernatural services.  The only thing is I won’t be able to attend the HOP and the Fridays youth service.  I also enjoy having the two days off spaced.  Having them together limits the therapeutic healing for me. 

So, to write every day like my aunt suggested, this is my entry for today. 

I must still seek God and follow my “experiment.”  Three strikes and I haven’t messed up yet.  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------  But, I have been spending time in the “gray areas”.  I have been spending time on politics and about Russia, China, and the United States military-wise.  Why do I waste so much time on those things?  I should just seek God.  God will take care of China, Russia, and the United States.  And Israel. 

Thank you God.  

The Experiment

[Edited for Public] 2015.10.19: The Experiment

11:48pm – 12:16pm

My aunt told me that I should write a journal daily, so here it is.  Maybe I should write daily now.  I mean I used to write a lot but not anymore.  Not when.. my faith became weak.  Not when trails and tribulations ceased a little.  I mean my difficulties still persist.  -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  Nothing in this world can truly satisfy me.  -----------------  -------------------------------------------------------------------  Then what is God’s will for my life?  Is it to have customers yelling at me and hating me everyday?  Is that what my life is for?  My aunt told me I should find a happy job.  A job that makes me happy.  Not a job where I deal with sadness and gloom.  Where the best I can do is a draw.  No, a draw is not a win.  A draw, where I only have one life, one chance, is a lose.  Maybe I should quit my job so I can continue to further my education.  I mean, if I can’t make lots of money, then I should at least have lots of education and knowledge.  No, well, kind of true.  I should just focus on seeking God.  But I suck at it.  I feel I just can’t do it.  I could be close, I can see it.  I can see myself seeking God and being close to Him but I just can’t reach it.  This is what I should do.  Maybe I should just quit everything that is not necessary and just seek God.  I wonder what may happen if I do it. 

My strategy, my plan against customers, or rather to defend myself against them is to pray for them.  Prayer is the artillery.  Then, I’ll just do what I can do to prepare myself.  The horse is ready for battle.  Then, the battle will belong to the Lord.  What can I do then, with customers who are still mean to me?  Should I take revenge?  No, rather, I should use that as a motivation, a boost, to seek God more. 

My life has changed, not for the better, I feel, but for the worse.  How worse?  I’m not sure.  I crave chicken nuggets, cheese cake, pizza, and what not.  But, these things, in the end, won’t really satisfy me.  I feel stuck.  I feel like I lost.  If I’m not going anywhere then I’m wasting time.  I don’t want to just make this moderate or low income job and save my money until I die.  My life is meant for greatness but I feel my life is nothing at all.  I carry no influence.  I have no authority.  I have no power.  And I seek God.  The logical conclusion then, is to conclude that seeking God has no power, has no hope.  But no, God is the God of hope.  Then why then am I still so powerless?  No, forget it.  I already chose God and I will die with God, ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  Regardless, I must pray.  Prayer is where I get most of my power from.  I find in my life that I get most of my influence in prayer, behind the scenes.  Without prayer, if it is just people, then I am nothing.  Why can’t I be a general?  What can’t God make me a ruler or a leader or a king?  Or a general, or a trusted advisor.  Why can’t God make me become these things?  Why am I just a nobody working at a low-paying job barely getting by?  -------------------------------------------------------------------- because I have foresight.  -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------And God will be the judge.

----------------------------------------------------------------------  He is the only reason.  I could care less if other people are less than me.  No, I will not compare myself to who is less but to who is greater.  But of course, I will submit to God.  The only thing that keeps me going is my ability to pray and be close to God.  ---------------------------------------------- 

I don’t have a girlfriend --------------------------------  I don’t have any social networks of significant extent.  ------------------ 

My life, it is so unfair.  I know, other people are going to attack me on this.  Call me complaining.  But look, I really never had a chance in life.  When I was 18, I still had the mentality and life-skills of a 13 year-old.  So many basic skills in life I couldn’t do.  ---------------------------------------------  Values and traits and social skills that I lack.  And now, I am semi-independent.  I say semi because I probably will never be fully independent.  I will never be able to live without God.  Even now, when I have my own room, my own car, my own blah blah blah, I am still not completely independent.  I am much more independent than in the past, but I’m not there yet. 

What can I hope for?  What can I look forward to?  The only thing I can look forward to is God.  Is prayer.  But perhaps prayer is like social work.  Anybody can do it.  You don’t need a degree for that.  You may not need a degree, but you still need God.  And his gift, and his mercy, and his talent.  -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  This is what I’m going to do from now on.  And I must do it.  Aside from Clash of Clans, which is a game I still can’t quit even though I just started like two months ago. I will seek God.  Any other unnecessary thing will be destroyed.  I’m going to try this experiment for a month, to 11/20/2015 and see if it works.  Let me test and see that the Lord is good.  That he will take care of me.  This will be my vow ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  Should I do this?  Yes.  No.  Maybe so.  I want to do it, but I feel I just can’t.  Fine, I’ll give myself three chances.  Three strikes.  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  Then, should I do this?  What about China?  Who cares about China.  That is just a game.  And my life is not a game. 

How can I relieve stress?  How can I talk to customers?  I don’t.  I don’t know.  I’m still confused and like a child.  I’m just going to pray and seek God.  --------------------------------------------------  I’m doing a 30-day relentless.  Anything unnecessary must be cast aside and just enjoy the pleasure of seeking God.  I’m going to start right now and see how far three strikes will get me.  This will not be a vow but an experiment.  --------------------------------------------------------  May God be my judge.  May God be with me.