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Hello everyone.  I have decided to move my blogging back to my old WordPress website, at http://stevenlovesjesus.wordpress.com/.  I feel the search function in WordPress is superior to Blogger.  Thank you for reading my blogs and I hope to see you there!

Unhappy Equilibrium

1/12/2016: Unhappy Equilibrium

2:41am – 3:24am

I know it’s really late now but I want to share my spiritual state with you. 

I just finished listening to “My Savior My God” by Aaron Shust and I am going to add that song to my favorite Christian song list.  Every song in that list, I have a soul tie to.  Well, I don’t know if soul tie is the right word but every song on that list applies to me, it’s personal to me, it’s a story between me and God to me.  These are songs that enable and remind me to worship and praise God. 

But to get back on topic, I have been struggling spiritually.  This is the year of Jubilee.  This is the year of second chances.  This will also be a year of great turmoil for those without the blood of the Lamb.  We will either be in the judgment or blessing side.  What side am I on?

To give all for God and none for Me has been a very difficult journey.  It was most for me and some for God.  It was half for me and half for God.  It was even less of me and more for God.  But it is never none of me and all for Him.  And I feel that my pastors, my mentor, the apostles, are saying that if I have even a little bit of rebellion, of sin, of me, what I want and need (God will provide that), then I am giving my perfume, my incense, a bad smell.  I can’t hang on to both the world and to God.  Actually for me, my weakness is not the world, nor the enemy, but my flesh.  Yes the enemy helps out and the world doesn’t help, but my main weakness, I think, is my flesh.  I have to crucify my flesh.  I have to destroy it.  It’s not what I want but what God wants.  And I have a hard time doing it.  Lying on my bed, I realized I cannot serve both my flesh and God.  The Bible made that very clear.  So I’m left with being stuck in the middle, an unhappy equilibrium.  I don’t want to sin against God but my mind keeps attacking me.  And I want to worship and spend time with God but my flesh won’t let me.  If I choose to fully follow my flesh, then I will be destroyed, because I cannot survive without God.  But, if I choose to fully follow God, I will be in great agony, because of my body and soul. 

If I didn’t mention this before, I feel my thought process and my life is similar to Congress.  My flesh occupies one side, my soul another, and my spirit yet another.  And the president is there to, me, since I make the decisions, and the president wants to follow God.  But, my flesh is almost always against me.  My soul is with me sometimes but sometimes not.  But my spirit is willing.  So it turns out to be a big civil war within me.  I feel paralyzed.  Any choice I go will displease the other side.  The only parts that are in agreement are my basic needs, like eating, using the restroom, and those kind of tasks.  And when I fall to either side, the enemy of that side becomes stronger and I bounce back to my equilibrium.  So I’m stuck.

In the normal world, the world God intended, the flesh serves the spirit, and the soul is renewed to help the spirit.  And the spirit, of course, serves God. 

Yesterday, well, I mean on Sunday, I went to the 6pm bilingual service at Ignite Movement Church.  Thank God for that church!  During the service, there was a time when Pastor Patty told us to come to the altar if anyone owns a business.  I have investments and I felt I need to go.  When I was up front waiting for one of the leaders to pray over me, I felt a voice telling me.

I heard a voice telling me that why should God prosper me if I’m a thief? 

“How am I a thief?” I asked the voice.

“You are a thief because you have taken what doesn’t belong to you.  You refused to be content with what God has given you.  Steven, don’t take what belongs to God.”

That hit me.  I have taken things that belong to God the ungodly way.  I tried to use reason but even my money belongs to God.  Everything I have belongs to Him.  My life is His as well. 

I stood there.  I told God I’m sorry and that I’ll repent.  Then a leader came and blessed me.

Recently, however, I am taking many things in the right direction.  I reinforce my identity as God’s child, and, more just to me, God’s general.  I have formed good habits as what Pastor Patty preached in youth service on Jan. 8^th.  When I wake up and before I sleep, I always spend time with God (more so before I sleep, though).  I reinforce my identity.  I am consistently developing daily and long-term goals for myself.  I still have a lot of bad habits, though, but I am working on eliminating them.  It just takes 21 days.  :)  And the fast, the congregational fast, helps.  Fasting, as what my mentor said in tonight’s HOP (House of Peace and I mean last night since it’s a new day), is about being closer with God.  It’s not about the petitions, it’s not about worldly things; it’s about God. 

So, God can give me so much more.  Many times, I limit God.  I thought to myself that I can only get so much from God but that’s it.  That God can’t satisfy me fully.  But no.  God knows me more than I know myself and He knows the desires of my heart.  I just need to seek Him first.