Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Jobs

2015.8.25: Jobs

Completed around 9:20pm

Today is a blog writing day.  :p

I thought about combining three topics into one blog for today but I decided it would be clearer if I separate them into three. 

Tomorrow is my first day at my new job!  Possibly.  If they can finish my drug screen and background check.  If not, then the company will have to reschedule me.  But, getting the job reminded me of what Xuan Nguyen said about jobs.

Jobs, he wrote, stands for “Journey of the Broke.”  Pastor Frank said, through my WFG mentor, in the business meeting that if you working, you are working the curse.  But if you own a business, you have the blessing.  Now I can see that he is right.  As an employee, I really have no control.  I can't get time off.  My WFG (World Financial Group) mentor told me that, as a nurse, she can’t even use the restroom without asking for permission first.  Now as I am signing the acceptance forms, I see why.  I had to sign to agree that if I have a dispute with my company, I will wavier my right to court or jury and that only arbitration is possible.  Anything I contribute to the company belongs solely to the company, not me.  This including writing or of any creative nature. 

But, I will still work in that job, for now, as if I’m working for God.  Even though the pay is low, or I’m taken advantage of, I know that everything belongs to God.  I know that He is the God of justice.

“False god”

2015.8.25: “False god”

Completed around 8:40pm

What I also want to write today is my thoughts on the upcoming Batman vs. Superman movie for 2016 (hence the blog title “false god”.  There is a connection between Superman as Moses or Jesus Christ.  Additionally, many of the writers of DC and Marvel are Jewish.  The Jews back in the early 1900s were persecuted.  One of the ways they tried to influence the world is through creating the comic book industry

However, I believe the secular media wants to send a message in the upcoming Batman vs. Superman movie.  I think they want to convey to persons of religion, mainly Christians (and Jews?) not to let their moral superiority, their pride, get in the way of doing good.  The secular media wants to tell us that we should not force our beliefs on others.  That we Christians should be humble and lead by example.

But, in other way, there is secular bias.  Batman, a normal human, represents science and logic.  Superman, on the other hand, represents faith.  The secular world sees mostly seeker-friendly churches.  They see churches with little power.  They see orphaned Christians struggling with sin.  They see Christians as no different as those who do not believe.  They see "false gods.”  But, in my opinion, they are wrong.  If people understand that Superman is a reference to Moses and Jesus Christ.  If they see the supernatural church and see the supernatural signs and wonders of God, they will see that Superman is not a false god.  The secular world wants to hurt superman’s image because it has been associated as a symbol of Christianity.  They made batman defeat superman with kryptonite. 





An event that changed my life




















2015.8.25: An event that changed my life

7:53pm – 8:15ish

Today, as I was walking around the block and during push-ups and sit-ups, I actually didn’t want to do exercise today but, deep inside my mind, I know that if I fail to exercise today, I would break a habit-in-making, so I forced myself to, but on my own terms.  I walked, more like a prayer walk while, after a lap, I do ten push-ups and sit-ups.  I keep doing it for thirty minutes.  But, as I was walking, I thought about how one event, one day, changed my life.  The story of how I came to Ignite.

I was sitting in a computer lab at the UTEP library.  And, if I shared this before on a previous blog, then forgive me but I want to bring this up again to the forefront.  I forgot what I was doing, probably printing something or doing one of my assignments.  But, I looked at a computer screen next to me and I noticed a girl, D, listening to Christian music.  Later, she watched a sermon by, now I know, Apostle Maldonado.  I told D, “Excuse me.  I noticed you were listening to Christian music.  I like to listen to Christian music, too.”  And from that, she immediately invited me to come to Ignite Movement Church.  She took out a piece of line paper and wrote her information and the church information and gave it to me.  I kept her note, but I didn’t go.  But, it seems God wants me to go.  Two months later, after my last social work final during the Fall finals week in December, my classmates invited all of us to hang out and celebrate at Cabo Joe's.  However, Y, told me today, which was Wednesday, there is a Bible study at Ignite and she is planning to go there.  My mind clicked.  She also goes to Ignite!  (She doesn’t go there anymore but may God bless her for encouraging me to go.)  I decided to go to the Wednesday service with her instead of hanging out with the rest of my classmates at the bar.  The funny thing is that bar is also a place where Y likes.  I went there that night and it changed my life.


Some interesting facts is that I was the one who initiated the process.  If I didn’t tell D, who happened to sit next to me that I also like Christian music, my life would have been so much more different.  The same goes with if I decided to hang out with my friends at the bar.  That was a close decision.  A big part of me wanted to celebrate with the rest of my friends but I was inspired that Y actually wants to go to “Bible study” instead of celebrating.  I went with the minority and it changed my life.  And, if I never knew Ignite, who knows what would happen to my life now.  I probably would be driving trucks.  :p  Or moved out of El Paso.  Life can be a choose-your-own-adventure game.  Thank you God.


Friday, August 21, 2015

2015.8.21: What God/Satan wants

2015.8.21: What God/Satan wants

11:13pm – 2330  2337 - 0010

Today at Ignite is cramazing.  I’m copying the Geico usage of the word “amazing.”  They are probably still there right now playing human equivalent of bumper cars, but its soccer.  I forgot the terminology.  It’s like soccer but they wear like a huge beach ball.  It’s fun!  My team came up and I took defense.  One of the players started charging at me, I think trying to get me out of the way, but I bend my knee and stood firm.  I did not fall; I only moved back a few steps.  In soccer, in basketball, I find that I’m good at defense.  Maybe in sports.  I remember pissing some people off when I played defense in basketball in the Army. 

But what I really want to write today is the message I learned.  I did not do transcribing today because my mentor told me I should receive.  I still have addiction and sin my life and, if I serve, it will taint the atmosphere.  It’s like “holy fire” and a “strange fire,” my mentor told me.  Until I am delivered and in freedom, I cannot serve.  This is different from the world.  In the world, talent is the only thing that matters.  That and people skills.  But in God’s world, talent and people skills are not enough.  More importantly, I also need a strong and free relationship with God. 

I also forgot to record the audio through my touchphone today.  I typically record, even though it gets noisy, so I can save it in my computer and listen to it later.  But what I took from it is what God wants for me and what Satan wants.  God wants to give us freedom.  Satan wants to keep us in bondage.  Satan wants us to feel guilty, ashamed.  The pastor on the video tonight at CGC said Satan wants you to see how he sees you.  Wow.  So, I can do a little counter-intelligence. 

Many times, I have trouble knowing or seeing what God wants me to do.  My mentor told me if I don’t know my purpose, then I should further God’s purpose, which is to seek Him and evangelize.  But, with today’s message, I forgot the influence of Satan.  I have been seeing myself as what Satan sees me, guilty, hopeless, tired, confused, etc.  I have been doing what Satan wants me to do: wasting time and satisfying my lusts.  So, if I don’t know what God wants me to do, or don’t know exactly, I can look at what Satan wants me to do.  To me, it’s much easier to know what Satan wants me to do than God’s.  So, I can look at that and do the opposite.  For example, Satan wants me to waste my time, feel hopeless, not worship God because I’m too tired or too late or whatever, but I will do the opposite of what he wants.  I will spend my time wisely, in productive things.  I will sing and praise and worship to open doors of hope.  I will not spend my time on games, which is what Satan wants, but on God, which is obviously, what God wants.  He is worthy of all praise. 

I have a job interview at a call center tomorrow.  It might be a temporary job.  You know, I need to humble myself.  I used to think I’m so crazy, that I’m all that.  That I can be a general and play all these computer games and win.  But I failed in having a strong relationship with God.  Sometimes I would compare myself with worldly people and tell God “God, look at these people, they don’t even seek you and they have so much more prosperity than me.”  But God knows my heart; he knows my potential.  He has given me the potential to spend time with Him and I have so far mostly squandered it.  To each measure God gives to a person. 

The root of all sins, my mentor told me, is pride.  And in my case, much of my sin comes from rejection.  I know what to do.

I told my mentor I wanted to go into truck driving, since it’s the only job that’s in demand right now that requires any college degree or just a high school diploma.  All the other jobs, the prospector applies but in truck driving, the employer invites people.  But, if I go into that field, I will be away from church most of the time.  My mentor told me that God wants me to stay at a supernatural church.  We are living in the end times, she told me, and I heartily agree.  I will find a career and a wonderful job in El Paso.  However, I need to seek first the Kingdom of Heaven. 

Satan also wants me to debate and argue with people about religious doctrines and overwhelm myself but no, debating and argumentation cannot change people.  Showing love, supernatural signs and wonders, and God can change people.  I’m not going to stress myself about these things or participating in Christian “debate clubs.”  Pastor Patty asked, “You know why there is so much division in the church?”  Ahh, I forgot her answer, but I think it has something to do with the lack of power in today’s church.  And God wants unity but Satan brings division.  For me, I care less about the means but the end.  The end is the supernatural power of God that can save people.  I don’t want to waste my time arguing whether this point or that point is right or wrong.  It brings anger.  It brings hatred.  It brings controversy.  It brings division.  Just as fire came down on Elijah’s altar instead of Baal’s, just follow God, follow His Holy Spirit.  It’s okay to make theological mistakes, God will bring it to heart when the time comes but just worship God!  1 Corinthians 13:12 “Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.  All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.”  Don’t worry about the doctrine.  God will correct each of us in time.  Just worship and seek God through his Holy Spirit.


Aww, too bad I already left that debate group.  I will try to rejoin it just to share the last paragraph and then leave it.  My mentor also told me to keep away from people who cause me to stumble in my walk with God.  I thank God for my family of Christ that care about me and that want to correct me.  

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

8/19/2015: Easy Money / A Good Person is Hard to Find

8/19/2015: Easy Money / A Good Person is Hard to Find

5:15am – 7:06am

I’m debating on which title I should use for this one.  I read “A Good Man is Hard to Find” in my EPCC English class and I found some similarities between her fictional story and mine.  :)  The title is kind of off but it will make sense if you keep reading.  It’s supposed to be a catch.  :p

As mentioned in my previous blogs, I feel like I have the writer’s curse, which is, whenever I feel like writing or whenever I feel something inspirational or I have something to write about, I have to write to it.  Well, I don’t have to.  I could write it on a piece of paper for future blogs but the passion, the energy, may die off if I delay for too long.  And if I ignore the urge or passion to write, then I tend to forget or lack the passion of what I want to write.

I went to my financial business’ webinar today.  Every Tuesday at 10am is a webinar and it’s supposed to be special because the master trainer, Xuan Nguyen, which I learned a lot from, my financial mentor, will speak during that time.  I came at 11am because I know from past experience that the actual webinar starts at 11am.  10am is mostly a sharing time where they share on video various WFG (World Financial Group) sites and they share how they are doing.  It’s nice but it’s not a necessity.  At the webinar, I reviewed my reasons for going into the financial industry:

1) To make money for myself so I can, in sequential order, make a living, save money, and have fun.  [Although I’m planning to just shorten it to “To make money for myself” and I feel the clause “have fun” is kind of controversial because it is for fleshly reasons.]

2) To help people better manage their money.  [When I am selling is also an investment product and it is, imo, and I also have the same policy, much better than putting your money in a bank, 401k, etc.]

3) To contribute and build God’s Kingdom.  (The ones in bold are those I feel are my main reasons.  The manual wants us to have ten reasons)  [A portion of my proceeds and profits I get from this business will be for God.  I can serve God and His people financially.]

4) To better myself and to reach my full potential.  [This business is not just a business but it is a great learning and life growing opportunity.]

5) I am my own boss, this career is independent.  [No one tells me what to do, it’s on my own time, can be part or full time]

6) To advert or reduce the coming retirement crisis in America.  [From the book, but it’s something I realized.  Many people are not preparing for their future.]

7) To give people a hope and a future.  [I feel many people are struggling financial or they somehow just can’t save up any money.  This product can help people save money and save in the right place.  This is also one of my reasons I went into teaching.  I probably should have created ten reasons for becoming a teacher and just maybe I’ll stay in teaching.  :p  Taken from Jeremiah 29:11]

8) To help people in this area so they can help others.  [The emphasis for this reason is more on if they decide to join the team and recruit/sale to others.  The people that join has an opportunity to help others in this area as well.]

9) To fight against the injustices in the banking, credit card, and other industry.  [Maybe I’m a little biased but this is my economic orientation, that the rich takes advantage of the poor.  Why then would banks offer their customers such low interest rates.  Why such high interest rates on credit cards?  I know the usual “economic” reasons but I feel the root cause of it is human greed.]

10) To apply the concepts I have learned here to evangelizing for God’s Kingdom.  [I stopped at number nine and I felt I can’t think of any other reasons.  Then this though inspired me.  I can use what I learned and my experience in a different but also similar area.  I will share more on this later in today’s blog]

So today, I felt relatively excited.  I want to talk to people.  Well, not quite.  I kind of forced myself to want to talk to people about this because I set quotas for myself.  Quotas are not mandatory for my company but I choose so because it helps motivate me.  It’s like of like setting a deadline to do something.  Then I procrastinate which gives me additional energy to do the task.

However, as I guessed, from my experience, evangelizing and selling/offering a product is easy to say, hard to do or easy on paper but hard to do in practice.  My action plan for today is to evangelize and sell my product/recruit 50/50, starting with God first.  I planned to offer them a eternal future and then for the next person, their current future.  I went to Costco, which is nearby from the WFG office building.  I don’t have the membership so I can’t go in.  I walked around the entrance and the parking lot.  The first two I asked “Excuse me, do you have a minute?” refused to even talk to me.  In fact, it seems when I walk towards them they act super cold.  For the third person, I saw him loading his van with the goods he brought from Costco.  I asked the same thing and he told me yeah he has a minute.  I’m so happy he gave me a chance.  I tried to start causal by saying he brought a lot and that it is worth going to Costco if you buy a lot.  Then, I went straight to the point, “I would like to invite you to my Ignite Movement church,” because it’s not just a church, it’s a movement.  :)  Then, I tried to share my testimony but he then appeared disinterested midway through.  My testimony is not the typical “Before I knew God I was like this….  And after I met God, I was like this…” format.  I was raised in a Christian home.  Instead, my testimony is more like: I was raised in a Christian family but I rarely experienced God intimately.  There were times when I did, times of revival.  But I love worship songs and I love singing God’s songs.  Then in high school, I left God in favor of reason and science but during my senior year, I believed Him again thanks to Evidence for God from Science, a Christian website which convinced me of the existence of God.  But I never really “knew” God and have an intimate relationship with him until I joined the Army.  And I joined the Army because I was addicted to computer games, pornography, I would hide my grades from my dad until one day he found out.  I was practically kicked out of my house and forced to join enlist in the military.  But, look at me.  I am totally unprepared and the worse candidate for the Army.  I didn’t work out.  I was not in the football team.  I don’t have experience in life.  I’m afraid to even drive or buy stuff.  I just spend all day and most of the night locked in my room playing computer games.  I was so ate up in the military it’s not even funny.  So then, I had nowhere to turn to but God, the only One I know who can help me.  And by trusting in Him, he gave me supernatural grace and strength.  I would have died in the Army without God and I failed all my PT tests except the ones that count.  As you can see, my story is very complicated and I couldn’t really retell my story because I was part nervous and part I didn’t know what to say for my testimony because it is too complicated.  I didn’t know where to start.  And I’m still changing thanks to God and I can still share how after the Army, my relationship with God slowly died.  Sure there was revival but it was not until I went to Ignite that I started to become alive again, etc etc.  So because my testimony was too complicated, I felt it didn’t make sense to him and it was probably mumbo jumbo.  So I tried cutting it short by saying the key points, that God helped me so much in the Army and I know what he is real.  He told me he’ll check the church website out and think about it.  It was then when I saw his kid and probably his wife at the driver’s seat.  I paused.  I wanted to ask if we can pray but I felt it’s going to be awkward so I just thanked him for listening to me and his time and went off.  One spoken to. 

For me, as soon as I have a “success,” which is not really a success in a traditional sense.  I define “success” when I was walking around as people who is willing to just listen to me.  Getting people to just listen in the cold market is difficult overall.  I learned today that, in the cold market, 1) People don’t want to talk to you, 2) It doesn’t matter if you think you have something that is good for them.  Most, if not all of the people, prefer themselves to activate the process, not vice versa, like the classic fish hook vs fish net approach where one, they come to you because of your “bait” or two, you come to them, the “net” approach.  I can emphasize with them because if some random dude would to approach me, nine times out of ten, in the past, I would say “no thank you.”  If people don’t trust you, as it so happens with strangers, which most people don’t even give them a chance, there is no evangelizing or business.

I have an idea to counter this.  I can make flyers.  By making flyers, people don’t have to see me and I can reach a lot of people at one time.  And, I feel people spend more time looking at a flyer (that I made) than if they spend talking to me.

I have not been very active in my financial business partly because I am afraid of recruiting people.  For one, I don’t really have a “warm” market.  A warm market is people who are close to you.  I’m by myself here; My family are not with me.  And the close friends that I do have, I want to wait until I’m really prepared.  I find in life that I don’t have unlimited chances, in fact, many people just give you one shot at something.  I want to “practice” first in the cold market.  As a side note on friends, I find making friends is very difficult in this world.  I can’t just walk up to someone can say, “I would like to be your friend.”  No, friendships develop through relationships, though a medium.  If I don’t pay for college to go to school, if I don’t go to church, then how can I make friends?  Friendships come through interacting with people and sometimes, an excuse to go to college or to pay to go to an event would be to make friends.  How else will people have a shared need or interact?  I could walk around the street giving people free stuff but that probably won’t make any friends.  I could volunteer but I would rather work because I get paid.  Ok, so moving on.  Sorry, just many times, life is not fair.  The second reason why I don’t want to recruit is because I don’t’ want to set people up for failure.  Selling an idea to people, which unfortunately, since you thought of it first, is very difficult.  “You are not getting what I mean” someone recently told me, “It’s not being social, you have to be super social.”  I don’t want people to join thinking it’s so wonderful only to have them become disillusioned.  Although if they seem passionate even though they understand the difficulty, then it’s worth a try.  And, I don’t want to hurt my existing relationships in my “warm” and “lukewarm markets.”  So, I am going to continue this “business” part-time.  I will continue to learn more.  Many of the things they teach me can be used in evangelism and in my life overall.  The concepts are multi-purpose.  And this is a good life experience.

For this business, in a way, I know what to do, but I don’t know how to do it.  Xuan Nguyen said emotions bring people in but logic maintains the commitment.  He said:

When you sell to people, sell them the responsibility of taking care of their family and the possibly of building wealth for their family’s future.  At the same time, back it up with facts, figures, and track records.  Otherwise, they may make a decision to buy but will cancel when they think it over!

This is kind of like the approach I am taught to take with evangelism.  We have to tell with passion, genuinely, of what God can do for their lives but we back it up with logic, i.e. our testimony and, if possible, supernatural revelation about that person from God.  The latter is something I am struggling in using.  I don’t want to say something only to find out that the other person says it’s false.  When I told this to my spiritual mentor, she told me sometimes, the people we evangelize deny it or are lying because it is true.  I hope that is the case.  She also told me that’s why we say it in the form of a question like “Is your family struggling financially?” 

I write my blogs, the more lengthy ones, by creating an outline first so I won’t forget any thoughts but something it causes my writing to be too mechanical and I may repeat myself.  Sorry about that. 

But to end this early morning blog, and I need to sleep because I’m helping someone organize their classroom, actually I want to write about that first.  When people ask for help, I see it as an opportunity.  I win and they win.  I get to help people, interact with others, and learn about life while they get their tasks done.  I was thinking, and perhaps I read somewhere, that if I don’t know my purpose or if I can’t or it’s too late to achieve my purpose, then the next best thing is to help someone accomplish theirs.  The worse is to be selfish and live only for pleasure.  I have talent in computers but I always decided and resisted going into that field.  I tell myself that the main reason why I went into computers and technology is due to games.  While that is true, it can also be used for good.  I probably should have majored in computer science or information technology instead of social work.  I feel it’s too late for me to go back now.  I need to find a part-time or full-time job in addition to my part-time financial job to make a living and to save money for the future.  I can still help with the media team and with technology-related issues but I won’t be able to reach my full potential.  The pastor says when we are in perplexities, where there is no way out, we seek God.  I was in perplexities when I joined the Army and while in it and that’s the reason why I seek God.  And now, I feel I’m in a perplexity again, with my future and indecision.  But, the only way out, the only sure and true and best way out is to have a relationship with God.  But when times are good, I need to seek God as well.  That is a perplexity in the spirit.  :)

Saturday, August 15, 2015

8/15/2015: Move like Water

8/15/2015: Move like Water

10:01pm – 10:39pm

I have many things to write but, at the same time, I don’t have a lot of things to write.

Today is a supernatural day, and yesterday was a supernatural night.  Supernatural days and supernatural nights.  Tomorrow will be a supernatural day and Monday, with HOP (house of peace), will be a supernatural night.  I want supernatural days every day!

There is a principle that I want to share that may be the cause of many of my worries and stress.  The principle is to “Move Like Water” in The System Builder by Xuan Nguyen.  This book is supposed to help me better my “financial” business but I find it useful for other applications as well.  Let me share it briefly:

-
The army’s disposition of force is like water.  Water configures its flow in accord with the terrain.  Water has no constant shape.  –Sun Tzu

Keep flowing.  Move like water.  Water doesn’t try so hard, but it flows.  When water hits a rock, it avoids the rock and goes around it.  Water sees the high land and never tries to climb it.  Water takes the low road.  That’s how water flows.

This is also how you do the business.  You always got to keep moving.  If people don’t join, move on.  If people don’t buy, move on.  If people don’t want to build, move on.

Don’t hit your head against the wall trying to convince the rock to buy, to join, or to do something it doesn’t want to do.  Just move on. 
-

Wow, how many times have I violated this concept and gave myself undue stress and rejection.  I do want to say beforehand that there are exceptions to this rule.  I can’t flow the easy way from a macro or spiritual sense.  The easy way is the flesh but the flesh flows to death.  The direction of my flow, of my water, my river, needs to be towards life, righteousness, and abundance.  But from a micro-sense, this principle is a piece of wisdom. 

One of my fears is a fear of failure.  Many times I’m afraid to try or don’t try or give 100% because I’m afraid of making mistakes and failing.  I’m afraid that people won’t follow me, that they won’t listen to me, etc.  I want perfection but that is not possible because only God is perfect.  The fact is I won’t be perfect but I must still try.  But once my course is set, I need to focus on the positives and not spend too much time on the barriers or my situation. 

This can apply to evangelism.  If people reject me, move on.  If people won’t listen to me or try to intensely argue with me, move on.  It is not the healthy that needs a doctor but the sick (Mark 2:17).  I will invest in people that will listen, that are promising, whose hearts are open.  This doesn’t mean to ignore people who are not interested.  But, the principle is to spend most of my effort and energy on people who are open and who bear fruit. 

This concept can also apply when I’m suggesting an idea or anything.  I wouldn’t waste my time on people who are negative.  I remember before, I would try to argue and debate with people who reject my idea.  This is a waste of my energy.  Most likely, these people are not going to change anytime soon.  What I learned in social work advocacy is to spend the energy on people who support you and on those who are “maybes” or those who are still open.  I hit a rock I go around it instead of spending huge effort trying to go through it.

This can also apply to investing.  I read somewhere on Investopedia that most people invest the wrong way.  They invest in negative wealth.  When a stock goes down, many would buy more into it, thinking that they are buying the shares at a lower price.  Then it goes down even more and those people buy that stock even more, thinking it is a discount.  But what happens?  Stocks are not commodities (commodities will be a different story since the value of it cannot be zero).  When a company’s stock goes down, it is an indicator of trouble.  The foolish investor would have invested most of his/her money in a business that is going downhill.  No, when a stock is going down to a certain point, the wise investor will pull the money out and put the money in a stock that is increasing or doing well.  Then, most of that investor’s money will be in successful stocks.  Like water, go where the money is.  Ignore resistance and focus on what can build.  Ok, I might not be making much sense or my analogy might be off.  I need more experience in writing and I need to get back to writing my blogs.

This principle can also apply to making friends.  If someone doesn’t want to be my friend, I can’t force them.  The best I can do is to meet them halfway. 

So, I’m not going to worry about whether this person or that person is my friend or not, or listens to me or not, or follows me or not (although they should follow God), or whatever or not.  I’m not going to worry on the negatives.  Like the U.S. strategy against the Japanese in World War II, I will island-hop.  I will focus my efforts, time, and energy on my dreams (which needs to come from God), and on positive things.  I will not waste my time on the negatives and on resistance.  If I encounter resistance, I will just go around it.  If I can’t, or if going around it is too lengthy, then I will just pray to God for the walls to fall and then keep trying.  I will ask, seek, and knock.  The main point in this principle is to keep trying, and to keep trying positively.  “If an expert says it can't be done, get another expert” (David Ben-Gurion).


I need to stop worrying about my situation.  I need to stop worrying about my problems.  I should just seek God.  Seeking God is easy, or should be.  Let God direct my flow.  If I encounter resistance, I should give it to God.  Many times, when I do that, He tells me what to do and it becomes easy.  If people say no or they reject me, I should seek God first and evaluate myself.  If I find myself blameless, then I will just move on.  Maybe I’m expanding the flow like water principle but this principle reminds me of what I’ve did wrong.  (PS: I have been trying to do this but I need to work on my discipline)

Friday, August 14, 2015

8/14/2015 - A Day to Change a Year

8/14/2015 - A Day to Change a Year

11:13pm – 11:55pm

It’s late now but I feel like I need to write.  At least for a bit.

It is said that what one does on his or her birthday can determine how that person will do for the rest of that year.  A birthday, in my opinion, is a very special and important day.  It’s a “me” day and because it is so important to many people, God values that day all the more.

In another respect, my birthday is just like any other day.  Job even wished that his birthday be cursed because of the suffering he had endured.  When life is bitter and cruel, birthdays tend not to be a time of celebration, instead, it serves as an ugly reminder of trying to survive.

I value my birthdays but I remember my past birthdays were not as good.  There were birthdays when I just hung around my room and play computer games.  There were birthdays when I sinned.  And I remember those years are not very good.

But this birthday is a change, is a revival.  I started my day at 4:30am trying to get up to go to intercession.  Why is intercession so early?  The leaders say it is to kill the flesh.  Evangelism still scares me so I thought the least I can do is to pray.  I love praying.  I’m afraid of evangelism because I’m afraid I have no power or my declarations won’t come true.  But that shouldn’t be an issue.  God will provide.  He provided for me and still provides and loves me now.  The lack of power is actually caused by a lack of relationship with God, something Pastor Patty preached about.

Then, at around 7:15am I went to eat breakfast with some intercession members.  We talked until around 10am?  It was a great relationship-building time.

Then, I went to the commissary and the PX at Fort Bliss to buy needed supplies and healthy food.  I love shopping at the PX and the commissary because most everything is cheaper there and tax-free. 

Then, I went to Ignite to help with the Powerpoint.  I’m so happy that I can help.  Today’s service was different from before.  We had to make announcement videos but by the supernatural grace of God, we are able to accomplish it.  I post the Ignite invite events on Craigslist and Backpage and I remembered downloading a bunch of event pictures from their facebook page.  I used those pictures for today.  Amen. 

So, today, my capital day, is a good day.  I did not play any computer games and I did not do any bad things.  I find that talking to myself with God helped a lot. 


Still, I really wish one good day can make up for a thousand bad days.  Xuan Nguyen wrote that 30 days can change a person’s life because if a person does something for 30 days, it will become a habit for the rest of that person’s life.  I have been exercising and eating right.  If I can do it for 25 more days, then I have it for the rest of my life, or at least it’s much easier.  New Year Resolutions shouldn’t be so hard.  :)  One day, thirty days, my birthday.  I really wish one day can change my life.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

2015.8.2

2015.8.2

There is a lot of similarity between an evangelist and an insurance sales agent.  One sells the near-future while the other offers the eternal future.  In both professions, I have to talk to people; I have to offer them a product that is better than what they have now. 

I just finished design my business card.  On the front is the usual information: name, address, business logo, etc, but on the other, is a comparison of the change and the status quo (401k, banks, other investment products, I’m not showing the chart b/c I’m not here to advertise).

People don’t like change, they tend to resist it, but in both cases, I have to try; I have to at least plant the seed.  However, one is easier than the other. 

People would want to buy life index fund insurances but they may not want to accept Jesus into their hearts.  The latter carries more responsibilities and consequences. 
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Ok, the following may or may not be censored.  It’s harder for me to write if I have to watch and censor my words and thoughts.  I feel inhibited and people can’t be at their best if they are inhibited.

Today, Pastor Patty preached to us about the importance of having a relationship with God.  She mentions that many life problems such as doubt is caused by a weak relationship with God.  We doubt because we do not trust God and doubt leads to fear and confusion.  No wonder I am so confused with my life.  The only thing I am not confused is the importance of seeking God but even in doing that, I am struggling.  But, I find that the times when I do seek God and spend time with him, I feel peace, and I feel in control of my life.  In a way, it’s ironic.  By seeking God, I gain direction on what to do in the world. 
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Wow, I can’t think right now.  In a way, I’m happy that I got some work done, but in another way, I could have done better.  Even today, I played hours of computer games.  The three areas that are competing each other in my life are God, games, and girls.  Haha.  But, as Helen said, there could only be one: God.  The reason why I’m in the mess I am in now (lack of direction) is because I failed to spend time with God.  I feel I have great potential with Him and I do want to seek Him.  But other things in the world are more alluring.  They are more fun.  They are more exciting, or so it seems, than God. 
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As I said regularly, I feel like killing myself.  I feel like ending my life.  It may seem unthinkable or shocking to some people, but, in a way and as I grow in God, I learn the value of life.  I see life as something to be taken lightly because God is in control and He will be the judge.  The Bible says whoever saves his life will lose it.  Many people who do not know God value their lives because it is the only thing they have.  They are selfish, they refuse to die to themselves, or to sacrifice to help others.  But I know that the value of life depends on the quality of it.  Job said that it is better to be a stillborn child than to live a life of suffering.  If my life feeds and weakens other people, then it is better for me not to live.  It is an act of resistance against poverty and lack.  I don’t want to be homeless and suffer for the rest of my life.  I would rather die.  Or if I do live, then I’ll live for God, but only God.  But many times, actually most of the time, I fail to live for God.  So then, what is the point of my life?  What is my life without God?
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I find that the best way to talk and interact and act around other people is just to let go.  To let go of myself and my agendas and to let them think and act.  To be humble and only say what is needed, for with many words comes strife and sin is not absent.  By avoiding many words, I am also confusing the devil and those who are evil.  They do not know as much as if I would speak more frequently.  Speak just enough and act humbly.  Speak when you can change and with fewer words, you can influence the outcome.  Gold for silence but silver for words.
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Going back to the life debate again, because I know it is very controversial, people should have the right to die.  It should be a right, and an act of freedom.  This can bring equality to the classes.  The rich don’t want the poor to die but they want the poor to suffer.  Why suffer if one can have rest, if one can have peace?  However, should someone choose to die, that person should have a few commitments as possible.  Why did I choose not to die while in the Army?  Because I promised to serve my country and I will be letting my unit down.  So I decided to wait until I’m done.  And I’m single.  If I have a family, with a wife and kids, doing this may be unethical since it will hurt them and probably cause them to die, too.  As few commitments as possible.  Sure, it will “hurt” some people because they do not understand what life is.  If people know that this life is but a phase, is but a prelude, and that eternal life is much more important, then people wouldn’t carry so much meaning in this physical life. 

This world is not my home,
This life is not my own,
But whoever owns me controls me.

They can make me happy or sad
Glad or mad.

No, that is only part of it.  I can change my attitude by changing the way I think.  So it works both ways.  If life is too difficult and there is no way out, seek God.  If you can’t seek God, keep seeking God until you reach your end.  For me, my end is when I have less than $500 in my bank account.  I don’t want to be living on the streets; I don’t want to be homeless.  I don’t want to be harassed and attacked and shamed by people.  I don’t want to be judged by men but by God.  Better death with peace than life with war. 

Jesus loving Jesus,
Sweetest name I know
Fills my every longing

Keeps me singing as I go.

2015.7.14

2015.7.14

10:53pm – 10:56pm

Thank you God, all the glory, all the honor, and all the praise belongs to you.

God is changing me.  I am becoming more like Him.  I am being overwhelming by Him. 

Yahweh, Yahweh, faithful God, you’re here to stay.  Thank you God.

I have many weaknesses but that doesn’t matter.  My strength is made perfect in my weaknesses.  And, my weaknesses doesn’t matter as long as I have Yahweh.  As long as I have God, what Satan tells me, that I’m not good enough, that I don’t have enough experience, that my eyes are too tired, etc, don’t really matter.  My God can overcome my weaknesses, all I need is to be still.  All I need is to obey, to have obedience to God. 


Help me God, to spend more time with you and forgive me of my sins.  

2015.7.13

2015.7.13

10:20pm – 10:35pm

It has been a long time since I wrote.  In a way, I don’t feel like writing anything but in another, writing helps me to improve my writing skills.  One reason why I became a good writer is because of writing this discovery. 

Why do I stop writing?  I feel it is many reasons but I don’t feel like writing about that now.

Today, at least right now, I just want to write about my thoughts and feelings and maybe my future me can read this. 

First off, all honor is given to God.  He reigns forever and ever.  Mercy and grace are His.  So is his love and kindness.  It is because of Him that I’m still alive. 

Lord, maybe I’m writing this discovery to you, maybe this writing is directed to you, I don’t know.  But, I want to be closer with God, to be closer to Him, to be in His presence. 

In my life, the only thing that matters is my relationship with God.  Nothing else should really matter.  But, that is not the case.  I am tormented, confused about my future.  Should I go west, or east?  South or north?  Or should I just stay here?  No, one thing I am sure of is I do not want to stay where I’m at.  Right now, I just want to spend time with God.  That is the only thing my confused body, soul, and spirit can agree on.  God.  Only one answer, one word: God. 

I’m confused, I don’t know what to do.  No, I need to rebuke that.  I need to rebuke that spirit of confusing.  I need to tell myself that I am not confused but directed, with a purpose, alert, that I know what to do.  I don’t know a single word for it.

Ok, let’s start with what I do know.  I know I need to love God.  I know I want to love God.  I know I want to spend time with God.  I know I want to help people.  I know I want to be healthy.  There is a pause in my thinking so I think that is what I really want.  That is it.  Everything else, career, family, love, pleasure, is clouded with doubt.

So, this is what I’m going to do.  I’m going to cling on the old rugged cross.  I’m just going to be with God and do what I know I want to do.  If I only do what I want to do, then my life will be worth it. 

But what about making a living?  Earning an income?  Commitments?  Those thoughts and things torment me.  I can’t do what I want to do completely because of them.  Can God rain down mana?  Can he rain down water or quail?  Yes He can.  Then what am I worrying about?  Then what about promises?  Maybe I can just tell them that I’m fasting.  No, if I do tell them that, then I really need to do that.  My God is the God of truth.  Then I’ll just tell them the truth then, that I need to spend more time with God.  It’s going to be embarrassing, it’s going to be hard, but it will be worth it.  Ok, I can do that then, but I will finish my immediate commitments.  I don’t have the heart to say no to what I said “yes” to before. 

God, help me.  I am ensnared by my past commitments.  By my past promises.  If these things suck up so much of my time, then I guess there is only one thing that I can do.  I will seek You for as much as I can.  Everything that is not needed for life or promises that I have made will be discarded.  As much of God as possible in my current state and as less of me as possible in my current state. 

I don’t know how much time I have.  I’m not happy with the free time that I do have, so, I’m going to have to make the best of it.  Sigh, I hate life.  Life sucks.  I just want to die.  Why am I still alive?  I’m alive because of God.  And I need to rebuke those words and thoughts.  No, God made life.  Life in His way is wonderful.  I will walk with Jesus and live my life in God. 


I’m so confused about so many things but one thing I am not confused in is to seek and spend time with God.  Lord, you saw this writing and blog.  May you help me.  Thank you God.