2015.7.13

2015.7.13

10:20pm – 10:35pm

It has been a long time since I wrote.  In a way, I don’t feel like writing anything but in another, writing helps me to improve my writing skills.  One reason why I became a good writer is because of writing this discovery. 

Why do I stop writing?  I feel it is many reasons but I don’t feel like writing about that now.

Today, at least right now, I just want to write about my thoughts and feelings and maybe my future me can read this. 

First off, all honor is given to God.  He reigns forever and ever.  Mercy and grace are His.  So is his love and kindness.  It is because of Him that I’m still alive. 

Lord, maybe I’m writing this discovery to you, maybe this writing is directed to you, I don’t know.  But, I want to be closer with God, to be closer to Him, to be in His presence. 

In my life, the only thing that matters is my relationship with God.  Nothing else should really matter.  But, that is not the case.  I am tormented, confused about my future.  Should I go west, or east?  South or north?  Or should I just stay here?  No, one thing I am sure of is I do not want to stay where I’m at.  Right now, I just want to spend time with God.  That is the only thing my confused body, soul, and spirit can agree on.  God.  Only one answer, one word: God. 

I’m confused, I don’t know what to do.  No, I need to rebuke that.  I need to rebuke that spirit of confusing.  I need to tell myself that I am not confused but directed, with a purpose, alert, that I know what to do.  I don’t know a single word for it.

Ok, let’s start with what I do know.  I know I need to love God.  I know I want to love God.  I know I want to spend time with God.  I know I want to help people.  I know I want to be healthy.  There is a pause in my thinking so I think that is what I really want.  That is it.  Everything else, career, family, love, pleasure, is clouded with doubt.

So, this is what I’m going to do.  I’m going to cling on the old rugged cross.  I’m just going to be with God and do what I know I want to do.  If I only do what I want to do, then my life will be worth it. 

But what about making a living?  Earning an income?  Commitments?  Those thoughts and things torment me.  I can’t do what I want to do completely because of them.  Can God rain down mana?  Can he rain down water or quail?  Yes He can.  Then what am I worrying about?  Then what about promises?  Maybe I can just tell them that I’m fasting.  No, if I do tell them that, then I really need to do that.  My God is the God of truth.  Then I’ll just tell them the truth then, that I need to spend more time with God.  It’s going to be embarrassing, it’s going to be hard, but it will be worth it.  Ok, I can do that then, but I will finish my immediate commitments.  I don’t have the heart to say no to what I said “yes” to before. 

God, help me.  I am ensnared by my past commitments.  By my past promises.  If these things suck up so much of my time, then I guess there is only one thing that I can do.  I will seek You for as much as I can.  Everything that is not needed for life or promises that I have made will be discarded.  As much of God as possible in my current state and as less of me as possible in my current state. 

I don’t know how much time I have.  I’m not happy with the free time that I do have, so, I’m going to have to make the best of it.  Sigh, I hate life.  Life sucks.  I just want to die.  Why am I still alive?  I’m alive because of God.  And I need to rebuke those words and thoughts.  No, God made life.  Life in His way is wonderful.  I will walk with Jesus and live my life in God. 

I’m so confused about so many things but one thing I am not confused in is to seek and spend time with God.  Lord, you saw this writing and blog.  May you help me.  Thank you God.