I'm Moving, Again!

Hello everyone.  I have decided to move my blogging back to my old WordPress website, at http://stevenlovesjesus.wordpress.com/.  I feel the search function in WordPress is superior to Blogger.  Thank you for reading my blogs and I hope to see you there!

Unhappy Equilibrium

1/12/2016: Unhappy Equilibrium

2:41am – 3:24am

I know it’s really late now but I want to share my spiritual state with you. 

I just finished listening to “My Savior My God” by Aaron Shust and I am going to add that song to my favorite Christian song list.  Every song in that list, I have a soul tie to.  Well, I don’t know if soul tie is the right word but every song on that list applies to me, it’s personal to me, it’s a story between me and God to me.  These are songs that enable and remind me to worship and praise God. 

But to get back on topic, I have been struggling spiritually.  This is the year of Jubilee.  This is the year of second chances.  This will also be a year of great turmoil for those without the blood of the Lamb.  We will either be in the judgment or blessing side.  What side am I on?

To give all for God and none for Me has been a very difficult journey.  It was most for me and some for God.  It was half for me and half for God.  It was even less of me and more for God.  But it is never none of me and all for Him.  And I feel that my pastors, my mentor, the apostles, are saying that if I have even a little bit of rebellion, of sin, of me, what I want and need (God will provide that), then I am giving my perfume, my incense, a bad smell.  I can’t hang on to both the world and to God.  Actually for me, my weakness is not the world, nor the enemy, but my flesh.  Yes the enemy helps out and the world doesn’t help, but my main weakness, I think, is my flesh.  I have to crucify my flesh.  I have to destroy it.  It’s not what I want but what God wants.  And I have a hard time doing it.  Lying on my bed, I realized I cannot serve both my flesh and God.  The Bible made that very clear.  So I’m left with being stuck in the middle, an unhappy equilibrium.  I don’t want to sin against God but my mind keeps attacking me.  And I want to worship and spend time with God but my flesh won’t let me.  If I choose to fully follow my flesh, then I will be destroyed, because I cannot survive without God.  But, if I choose to fully follow God, I will be in great agony, because of my body and soul. 

If I didn’t mention this before, I feel my thought process and my life is similar to Congress.  My flesh occupies one side, my soul another, and my spirit yet another.  And the president is there to, me, since I make the decisions, and the president wants to follow God.  But, my flesh is almost always against me.  My soul is with me sometimes but sometimes not.  But my spirit is willing.  So it turns out to be a big civil war within me.  I feel paralyzed.  Any choice I go will displease the other side.  The only parts that are in agreement are my basic needs, like eating, using the restroom, and those kind of tasks.  And when I fall to either side, the enemy of that side becomes stronger and I bounce back to my equilibrium.  So I’m stuck.

In the normal world, the world God intended, the flesh serves the spirit, and the soul is renewed to help the spirit.  And the spirit, of course, serves God. 

Yesterday, well, I mean on Sunday, I went to the 6pm bilingual service at Ignite Movement Church.  Thank God for that church!  During the service, there was a time when Pastor Patty told us to come to the altar if anyone owns a business.  I have investments and I felt I need to go.  When I was up front waiting for one of the leaders to pray over me, I felt a voice telling me.

I heard a voice telling me that why should God prosper me if I’m a thief? 

“How am I a thief?” I asked the voice.

“You are a thief because you have taken what doesn’t belong to you.  You refused to be content with what God has given you.  Steven, don’t take what belongs to God.”

That hit me.  I have taken things that belong to God the ungodly way.  I tried to use reason but even my money belongs to God.  Everything I have belongs to Him.  My life is His as well. 

I stood there.  I told God I’m sorry and that I’ll repent.  Then a leader came and blessed me.

Recently, however, I am taking many things in the right direction.  I reinforce my identity as God’s child, and, more just to me, God’s general.  I have formed good habits as what Pastor Patty preached in youth service on Jan. 8^th.  When I wake up and before I sleep, I always spend time with God (more so before I sleep, though).  I reinforce my identity.  I am consistently developing daily and long-term goals for myself.  I still have a lot of bad habits, though, but I am working on eliminating them.  It just takes 21 days.  :)  And the fast, the congregational fast, helps.  Fasting, as what my mentor said in tonight’s HOP (House of Peace and I mean last night since it’s a new day), is about being closer with God.  It’s not about the petitions, it’s not about worldly things; it’s about God. 

So, God can give me so much more.  Many times, I limit God.  I thought to myself that I can only get so much from God but that’s it.  That God can’t satisfy me fully.  But no.  God knows me more than I know myself and He knows the desires of my heart.  I just need to seek Him first.  

Mistakes and Sin (My call center experience III)

2015.9.18: Mistakes and Sin (My call center experience III)

S: 12:43am

E: 1:35am

I am writing in regards to yesterday’s call center experience.

I realize that there are some battles that I cannot win.  That there will be battles, calls, that no matter how hard I try, I still fail.  What can I do in those times?  Why has God placed me in a situation where there can be no victory?  I have not sinned, I made a mistake.  But, at that time, no, I didn’t make a mistake.  The customer I talked to seemed to be demon-possessed.  And I did, after the call, pray for him, prophyicied on behalf of him.  I declared that he will be a leader in the Christian church.  That he will be a disciple, a leader.  But now, looking back, I see that love and kindness is not enough.  Nothing I do or give is ever enough. 

So, from now on, I will seek to understand the issue.  I don’t care how mean or power-hungry that customer can be.  I will seek to understand the issue.  If the customer can’t explain his or her issue very well and gets angry, I will still seek to understand.  Seek first to understand, then be understood, right?  Well, in the call center world, that doesn’t really happen.  What is more likely to happen is the customer hangs up on you. 

There is nothing that I can do but there is everything that God can do.  I worry so much on my calls, it is stressing me out.  I worry about my CSAT (customer satisfication).  My supervisor and everyone it seems, stresses so much about that.  But, you know what?  That CSAT is based on people.  “Let me fall into the hands of the Lord, but do not let me fall into the hands of men.”  I don’t want people to judge me; I want God to judge me.  Then, there is my stuttering.  No matter how relaxed I am, or seem to be, as soon as I get a call, I stutter, for seemingly no appreant reason.  I can’t help it.  Sometimes I make drastic hand motions to help.  And it is affecting my performance with my customers.  My fault in making customers dislike me has nothing to do with my sins.  No, I love my customers, I care for them, I can feel their hurt and their pain.  But, it has to do with my weaknesses.  I stutter, and customers already want to speak with someone else.  I try my best to understand their issue but I have difficulty because the customers during my questioning attacks me for trying to understand them.  And, in the end, I still don’t understand them.  Well, better to be mocked trying to do the right thing than to continue and be clueless. 

So, what can I do?  When I try so hard to speak clearly, to not stutter.  What can I do when I worry so much on when my next call will be?  I always try to follow the call flow so if that customer gives me a bad score, I might be able to challenge it.  But the challenging process, I can already say, is not justice.  Customers can give me 1’s straight across but if I don’t meet 80% of the requirements, I deserve a 1.  In the customer care environment, the customer is god. 

I am here embittered.  I’m at a loss of what to do.  Sure, I can take revenge and mess up their accounts, but I fear God.  I love them and they hate me.  I try to understand them and they dislike me. 

Indeed, there is nothing that I can do, but there is many things God can do.  I belive that God is the judge.  If the customer curses me or mocks me or gives me a bad survey, I believe that God will give me justice.  I pray that that customer can get to know God and be one with Him. 

I try to take every call with a humble spirit.  But it doesn’t work all the time.  With a loving spirit, but love does fail.  I want to cry, seriously.  I want to hug them and tell them why do they hate me.  Why am I working in a job where I can’t win? 

I try to be like a robot but I can’t because I stutter.  And I can’t be a robot anyways because I love and care too much.  I thank God that there are customers that are very friendly and also very vurlenble that needed my help.  I find that I do best, that I help custoemrs the best when they have a willing and humble spirit.  Custoemrs that have pride or think they know it all, or have a spirit of anger and hate, those customers tend not to have issues resolved.  I do, I believe, have a better track record of helping those customers and I do resolve many of their issues, but then there are those who get upset because you don’t understand them, no matter how hard you try. 

There are some calls when the call just went so badly that I wanted to evangelize.  I wanted to tell the customers that Jesus loves them and that God has a future and a hope for them.  I wanted to follow the God flow.  Lol. 

Some people may all me arrogant.  But I’m not, when I realize and know the supernatural power of Christ. 

In a negative environment and a negative atmosphere, curses are everywhere.  Customers say curses at you all the time.  They use you and they curse you.  Sure, it may not be your fault, it may be the previous representative’s fault, but many times, the customers don’t care.  They declare curese on you anyways.  I have to cancel and nullify those curses and replace them with God’s blessings. 

Do I need this job?  No, I don’t need this job but I want a job.  I’m not in absolute poverty, yet.  And, in the name of Jesus, I will be prosperous, for God has a future and a hope for me. 

I have the American and, more importantly, the Israeli flag in my workspace because power comes from the God of Israel.  Actually, the God of the nations.  And I have signposts that declare that “love comes from God” and “power comes from God.” 

Jesus, what I can I do?  What can I bring?  To so faithful a friend, to so loving a king.  I need to find more ways to give encouragement to my customers, to bring God into the conversation.

I remember one conversation, I told the customer that God will take care of them, and the timing was appropriate.  I told her I will pray for her son, who is 2 years old, and is suffering from a terrible disease.  She is so stressed out.  I tried to encourage her. 

For those mean and unrelenting and unforgiving customers, maybe I should deliver them.  I don’t care if I get fired.  I already tried twice to quit but the management won’t let me because according to their stats, I am a top performer. 

So what can I do when these unwinnable calls come?  When I am unable to speak due to my suttering and the customers ride over me?  I will take solace that God is the judge.  I will also make a double-effort to live a pure life.  I will also make a double effort to live a humble life, to be humble towards God and men. 

It’s okay if I make a mistake.  I just must not sin. 

It’s okay to make mistakes, just don’t sin. 

Sadly, in this world, people rate mistakes much more gravely than sin.  In fact, many people celebrate sin.  But, I am not of this world.  I belong to God’s world.  In God’s world, I can make mistakes, because I am failble, but I must not sin, and if I do, then I will confess and repent.  My intentions must be pure.

For definition’s sake, to me, a mistake is an error caused with the right intentions or without wrong intentions.  It can be lack of knowledge, or lack of skill or ability.  I can make a mistake speaking but that doesn’t mean I carry sin in my heart, I just have the human weakness of stuttering.  Now sin, on the other hand, is a mistake or error caused by the wrong intentions.  Differing weights and differing measures, but the LORD tests the heart. 

God will be the judge.

I hope I make many mistakes because the more mistakes I make, with the right intentions, the more I will grow.  I don’t care about mistakes.  What I do care about, and what God cares, is whether I sin or not. 

So, when I answer calls, I don’t care if I’m going to stutter or not.  I don’t care about my weaknesses.  What I do care about is where I love them, whether I love the person on the phone with me or not.  Whether I have the love of God or not.  Even if the customer hates me and hangs up on me because of my mistakes, God will take care of me.  I rather have customers hang up on me due to my mistakes instead of my sins.  I will do my best and let God do the rest. 

Don’t worry so much about your life, Steven.  And in life, I have made many mistakes, and many of them are attributable to sin, but the more I seek God, the more I will be healed.

Mistakes ineviablily comes from sin.  Without sin, if there is no sin in the world, there will be no mistakes, absent intentions or not. 

So Steven, you will make mistakes, but just do your best not to sin.  It’s ok to make mistakes, God will take care of you, just don’t sin.  If I don’t sin, I win.  

My Call Center Experience II

2015.12.4: My Call Center Experience II

12:10am – 1:14am

I have much to write, but I don’t have a lot of time nor probably the energy to write.  So, to make this count, I want to first write about my call center experience so far.

I have been working at Cox Communications through Xerox about three months now.  I learned a lot and I have many stores to share.

But the one story I want to share is a customer I talk to today.  The very last call.

Today was a busy day at the call center.  For some reason, probably because of winter storms and outages, I was getting almost none stop calls.  I have to use my 20 minutes of break time spaced out in 5.5 hours wisely.  I also get a 30-minute lunch. 

I was finishing helping a customer with cable issues when my supervisor told me if I can take one more call.  Overtime is a common occurrence at my job, so does leaving early when no customers call.  So I agreed.  I really wanted to just go home and relax and spend time with God but I decided to make the sacrifice to make one more call.

And what a call that was.

Before I go into it, let me share with you some difficulties that I face when making calls, and my strengths as well.  I think my chief weakness talking to customers is my speaking skill.  Despite speaking for all my life, I still stutter horribly when talking on the phone.  My stuttering is less when talking to people face-to-face and still less when talking to people I know and trust.  But every time I hear a beep on the phone, for some reason, my tongue just can’t say the word.  My brain knows what to say, but I just can’t say it.  Then sometimes my mind gets distracted and it makes the delay and stuttering worse.  “T-t-th-[slient th]-T-Thank you for calling Cox Communications.”  “My name is S-s-s-teven.”  “H-[slient ow]-How can I help you?”  Each one of those stuttering roadblocks is a barrier and for each call, I sometimes are able to bypass on those roadblocks, but almost never am I able to overcome all of them. 

I think to myself that “Love comes from God” and “Power comes from God.”  Part of the reason why I stutter is due to fear, due to insecurity, due to a fear of rejection.  I have very little power in my introduction because I was afraid; I was afraid of the unknown.  Right now, at my workspace, I have both an American flag on one side and an Israeli flag on the other.  Looking that these flags gives me strength and hope.  I plan to further decorate my workspace by putting WordArt “Love comes from God” on my left side and “Power comes from God” on the other.  Other agents put pictures of their family, or Cox Communications resources, but I will instead focus on inspiration. 

When talking to people on the phone, I feel like that is how Jesus felt during his life of ministry.  He gets persecuted, rejected, attacked, verbally abused, and so forth and that is what many customers do to us, and to me.  I practice humility and I have a genuine desire to help them.  But, back to Jesus, I would rather get attacked and abused for the sake of the gospel than for the sake of cable.  Nevertheless, working at a call center is a very good experience.  I am able to improve my speaking skills, to develop my small talk skills, my selling skills.  It has helped me in my life.  And I plan to use it for His Kingdom in the near future. 

Football is not my passion.  Oh no, I think I just said a bad word.  On Saturdays and Sundays, I got many football calls.  TV isn’t working so they can’t watch football.  How can I build rapport with them?  For all my customers, I follow my call flow which includes asking the customer how they are doing and showing empathy.  Like in the Army, I feel it is necessary to at least study a bit on what is going on in the football world so I won’t be seen as an outcast.

About five customers so far, during my three months, asked me if I was a robot after I finished my introductory phase mentioned earlier in the stuttering section.  I replied “No, I’m not a robot.  I’m a real person.  My name is Steven.” 

I’ve got a customer asking me if I can be their personal agent, since I resolved and helped them so well.  I told him no, that the structure of the call center doesn’t allow it.

I only have one customer, I think, that tried to use my stuttering to discriminate me.  That customer told me “I already want to talk to someone else.”  But I empathized with her and was able to resolve and program her remote as well.  During the whole time, she was demanding, demeaning, and mean to me.  I don’t know if I even got a “thank you” or maybe it was a hollow one.  Many times, customers not only use me, but just use me, without showing any gratitude, respect, or appreciation.  Many times, it is a thankless job. 

To work at a call center, I have to be at my best.  I try to give every customer my best and it is very demanding of me.  It is very mentally demanding and for the salary that I earn, I know I can get a better-paying job without spending so much of my energy, brainpower, and willpower.  It is a very stressful job.  Back in nesting, we took two 15-minute breaks.  But for me, I couldn’t do that.  I take mini-breaks between every call. 

In a way, I feel customers will treat me nicer and better if everyone had the same genuine spirit of helpfulness like me.  But no, I am wrong.  I’m not here to brag.  I have many weaknesses although few are of my choosing (add: I also need to continue to renew my mind, to avoid thinking evil thoughts and to focus on what’s important, in this case, the issue, when talking to customers).  I am good at troubleshooting, at working with the computer system, with typing.  Those technical aspects are my strengths.  And showing love to customers and to be genuine and to help them.  However, it leaves me exhausted. 

There are many more experiences and stories that I can write but I either don’t have time or don’t remember as of now.  Maybe by reading my call center experiences, one can already have some experience working as a customer service representative.  :) 

My last call, the call I volunteered, was crazy and intense.  To make the long story short, the customer demanded me to fix her cable TV instantly.  I checked the diagnostics and found that her area has an outage.  I told her what I can do.  I told her the technician’s name and estimated repair time.  I empathized with her.  I listened to her.  She was cussing and maybe even fussing.  She blamed the company and me (since I’m a part of it), about other representatives telling her that she needed miniboxes to get service, which was completely untrue as she already have cable boxes.  She added that Cox did the minibox trick to get more of her and other customer’s money.  I educated her on the reason why a customer would want a minibox.  I educated her on both analog and digital signals, on what kind of channels she would get.  And throughout all this time, she went back to the present issue of her TV not working and demanded me to fix the issue now.  I kept repeating to her, with love and kindness, the truth.  I told her honestly is the best policy and I don’t want to lie to her.  I repeated the technician’s name and the estimated repair time.  Then she would talk about other bad Cox experience issues like her bill or having to constantly call us.  I empathized on all her concerns.  I told her I also care about saving money and shared with her my experience.  This call was hurting my handle time and I was pressured by others.  I asked “permission to hang up” but my supervisor said no.  I mean if I do have permission, I will gently do so, like when Joseph was planning to divorce Mary before he knew the truth.  So I stayed with her and informed her again the estimated repair time.  She told me she will stay on the phone with me until the issue is fixed, which will be in another hour, at this point of the call.  But, throughout this entire call, I was at peace.  I was actually a little happy.  I felt her pain.  Towards the middle and the end of the call, she started to say “sorry” but then went back to attacking.  Then she told me that she is, actually, a nice person.  I believed her.  Listening to her, I felt she was wronged, deceived, and that she was made to be mean to us, but I felt in her heart, like me, that she was a nice person.  My supervisor’s desk was next to mine today, due to computer issues and seating rearrangements.  Other agents and supervisors were around, and perhaps trying to listen to my share of the conversation.  I told her at one point that I can’t do the impossible, that only God can do the impossible.  I thought about evangelizing but I knew that I would be in trouble if I do.  I thought about reading that Inner and Healing Deliverance book to her while we waited.  I tried to ask what she enjoyed doing and her hobbies and interests and she told me that her interest is for me to “get her cable working.”  I followed the organizations call flow.  In calls like these, it is imperative that I follow the call flow with building rapport, empathizing, educating, and so forth so if I get a bad survey from her, I can challenge it (if I reach 80% or higher from quality control).  In the end, she calmed down enough when I reassured her that our technical support is open 24/7 and that she can call us back in half an hour.  She finally agreed and the call was over.  My supervisor complimented me on my patience and gentleness. 

So, working at a call center is very intense and stressful, at least for me.  If every day working on the phones is like this (and many days it is), I would, honestly, rather quit or leave.  I already informed my supervisor about my intentions but he wanted me to stay, telling me that the team needs me.  But, my mentor told me that I deserve a better job, a job with less stress and with higher pay.  I already have a bachelor’s degree, so why am I working at a call center?  It was because I gave up too easily, my fear of rejection, and my perceived desperation for a job, that I chose it.  But God will give me grace and I am going to look for a better job.  Today was a victory but I really hope God won’t grant me such a victory again.  He will, and I have to persevere.  

What should I do with my housing condition? [Counsel Panel]

Started on 11/4/2015

So I asked friends and family and talked to myself for some advice for my future and here is a good listing of opinions that I got.  I’m so confused!  It’s like I’m hearing different voices.  Each of these “advice” seem to be sound. 

Should I buy a house here in El Paso? / What should I do with my housing condition?

Advisor 1: It doesn’t really matter what you do, either way is fine.  God will take care of you.  What matters is that you worship God.

Advisor 2: You should move back Los Angeles and stay with your dad.  I know you care about privacy but your dad is getting old.  The rent is free.  He welcomes you.  I know you might be afraid of him but I think you are better prepared now.  Plus, you can also find a job there as well.  As for the church, remember that home church that you been to once?  They were very nice.  I’m sure you can rejoin them.  Failing that, you can just find a church to your liking.  I’m sure there are supernatural churches in LA.

Advisor 3: You should just stay in El Paso.  You know the area, you know Fort Bliss.  You can be more independent.  You can talk to yourself and to God more and more openly.  Plus, you have your supernatural church here. 

Advisor 4: You should focus on three things only: God, money, and a soulmate.  Those are the three things that make you happy.  El Paso has God, a little money, and probably a soulmate.  Los Angeles can have God, more money, but it might be harder to find a soulmate if you live with your parents. 

Advisor 5: Just continue to stay where you are.  Rent for now.  You are still uncertain about your future, whether you want to continue school, go into trucking, go into the postal service, or stay at your call center job.  And, your Ignite church will be moving, location unknown.  Wouldn’t it be nice to move right next to your church?  And, since you want to stay where you are, which is right next to UTEP, perhaps you should go to school full-time.

Advisor 6: Same as above but go to school part-time and work part-time.  It’s important that you at least have some income.  It’s not good to depend too much on your family and loans that you have to pay back.

Advisor 7: Buy the house.  You can rent out the house to other people and have an income there.  You can have more diversified income.  Plus, you have family support.

Advisor 8: You are already 28 years old.  You’re running out of time to prepare yourself.  Just get established.  Stay at your call center job, buy a house here in El Paso, work full-time or part-time and be with God, and go to your supernatural church.  God will take care of the rest.

Advisor 9: You know what?  Life is just too difficult.  There are too many stress, difficulties, regrets, and unknowns.  I think you should just die and be with God.  The living will envy the dead.

Advisor 10: Quit your call center job.  You should be working at a happy job, not a gloomy job where you deal with negative people.  Find a happy job, anywhere, and stay there.  Do a job that you like, for example trucking.  You say you can talk to God and listen to your Christian music while you drive.  Wouldn’t that be nice?  And the paycheck isn’t too bad either.

Advisor 11: Stay in El Paso.  Your spiritual mentor already told you that you are living in the end times.  You need to be attending a supernatural church.  Just stay in El Paso, do what you need to survive here, and worship God.

Advisor 12: Buy a house, don’t rent.  Renting gives your money to the landlord.  Buying invests the money in yourself.  Plus, you can rent it out to other people for extra money.  Buy as soon as possible.  If you calculated the total amount that you spent in rent, you would have been able to do a nice down payment on a house already.

Advisor 13: Move to a cheaper place.  If you buy, you have to pay the property tax, which, as you calculated, is about $100-$150 a month.  With that cost, it is better to just find a cheaper place to rent for, say $200-300 a month with all utilities included.  You are paying about $400 a month currently.  Just bring it down to $300 and you save $1,200 a year.  

Advisor 14: If you buy the house, you can not only rent but can help other people.  If someone is in need, they can stay for free and you can help them.  Additionally, you can have a room *just* for God, like a temple in the old times.  Not having a room distracts my relationship with God to a degree.  Wouldn’t it be nice to have a room, where it is completely dark, with maybe a candle, a cross, and spiritual decorations around to set the atmosphere where you can spend an eternally there?  That room can be your altar.  I know your pastor said that is the old times but it is still possible and I will still make sacrifices to God (personal sacrifices). 

Advisor 15: You don’t need a degree to do social work.  You made a mistake.  You should focus on helping yourself instead of trying to save the world.  Get a second degree in a technology field and then apply for jobs in the Silicon Valley area.  Last I heard, there is a huge demand for jobs.  And you can be happy; you will have a happy job. 

There is a saying I made myself that goes “If I don’t know what to do, I will worship You.”

My Everything

2015.11.3: My Everything

12:48am – 1:04am

His grace is all I need.  His power when I’m weak.  And His love that carries me will always be enough.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t want to write anymore.  ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  I count my life as worth living if I have a girl and God.  No games.  I remember telling my mentor that, the three G’s, but she told me to take out games.  Correction, she told me to leave in only God.  Haha, of course.  More of Him and less of me. 

--------------------------------  I know what to do with money but I need God to give me more.  Why is money given to those who cannot manage it?  Well, I might be wrong, but it may seem so.  And I’m the outlier. 

Anyways, what I want to write today is about God’s love and God’s grace.  He helped me so much.  People may not see it.  I may not feel it, but God is helping me.  He is giving me mercy and grace.  God gives me mercy and grace.  And I am rebuilding my altar.  My altar in the evening dews and damps.  7 days with God --------------------------------------------------  But every day after that must be for God, if I mess up, then I have to do the seven days again.  -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

God is my only bright spot.  He is my only hope.  In the hopelessness of this world, of my world, He is my shining light.  He is the one that keeps me singing.  I don’t care what they think; I don’t care what they say, with God. 

I have to be the one that stays with the supplies because I am too weak to fight on Halloween.  And I only watched the supplies for a fraction of the time I am supposed to watch it. 

I know what God requires of me.  To give him sacrifices every day.  To build my altar for Him every day.  To seek Him daily.  To be intimate with Him.  Every discretionary time should be spent with Him.  There is never too much. 

I feel writing this blog, in some ways, hurts my faith.  I’m not writing to show up.  No, I’m writing to share.  But that intention gets attacked by other special interests. 

The only thing I have left is God.  He is the one, the only one, that keeps me alive.  He is the only one that keeps me singing.  He is the only one that gives me true happiness, or happiness in general.  He is the only one whom I can talk to, to seek justice, to bless, to intercede.  He is my equalizer.  He is my secret weapon.  He is my everything.  

If I don’t know what to do….

10/29/2015: If I don’t know what to do….

10:26am – 10:57am

In this world, nothing is permanent; everything is temporary.  The only thing that is permanent; the only thing that is everlasting, is God.  Right now, I am focusing on whether I should move or not; whether I should stay or go.  If I move, I will live closer to my church and my workplace, but, there are contraindications (I was looking for this word, I need to use this in my daily vocabulary).  The church may move, further east.  My workplace will move, a little to the west.  Well, I told myself that those changes should be acceptable and by moving, it will still make going to these places easier.  But, what if I were to move again?  What is the cost of moving?  What is my cost?  I wish I could be more portable.  I wish I can fit the biggest furniture in my car. 

Moving in one day or two is stressful.  I plan to move in the space of a month.  That way, when I go to work or church, I can just stop by and unload my belongings.  It will cost more, yes, but I will have less stress.  Then what about the big stuff: the bookshelves?  I could unscrew them and “fold” them to set it up once I move there.  What about my bed and the wooden base I put on top so I can sleep better?  That, I will have to ask for help and I believe that God will give me the grace.  So, in the end, it’s just the bed.  That’s just the moving part, part of the one-time charges part (I use “one-time charges” because I use them in my workplace). 

Then, there is another factor to consider.  Whether I plan to stay at my workplace.  If I really am focused on my goals, to be self-sufficient and to make money, then I would quit my workplace and go full-time study.  But, what about my finances?  Well, I can ask my family.  I can use government loans.  I can use my GI bill, just like in the past.  But, there are contraindications to that as well.  My GI bill isn’t going to cover if I have to study for more than 2 years.  I will increase my student loan debt.  And asking for my family for help, still, is akin to begging and freeloading. 

An alternative is to work part-time and study part-time.  But, if I do that, my education costs will go up in the long-run.  Parking permits, library fees, charges that my university has that make taking part-time classes less advisable.  But, I do have a boon.  I renewed my residential parking permit which allows me to park in the vicinity of UTEP for a year. 

Another alternative is to go postal.  Just kidding, I don’t mean by that.  I meant to go into the postal service.  I’ve always considered that and I did look for job availability in El Paso.  Unfortunately, there was none at the time I looked.  Funny thing is, within a few weeks of applying at my call center job, I happen to see on the news that there are openings available (And I don’t watch TV).  I could just study for my postal exam, the 473 possibly.  While there are no openings in El Paso, I can use this time to just study for the exam.  But if I do that, then I might have to kiss my enrollment at UTEP (for the second time) goodbye.

Then another factor is the talent that God gave me, which is in computers.  So, perhaps I should just go back into school and get at least a bachelors in a computer-related field. 

I need to stop worrying about missing my potential and all that.  No, God will give me grace.  My potential is found in God alone. 

I even thought about moving elsewhere for better job prospects, but, I found that me and my church are inseparable.  “We are living in the end times,” my spiritual mentor told me.  “You need to attend a supernatural church.” 

So, decisions and decisions.  What to do and what to do?  I have a saying that I made myself in the past that goes, “If I don’t know what to do, I will worship You.”  Maybe I should do that.  And, in the meantime, move closer to my supernatural church.