The most important thing in my life, or at least I try to make it to be, is God. This is a blog about my reflections, thoughts, happenings, thinking, and my story with God.
See my older blogs at http://stevenlovesjesus.wordpress.com/
I know it’s really late now but I want to share my spiritual
state with you.
I just finished listening to “My Savior My God” by Aaron
Shust and I am going to add that song to my favorite Christian song list. Every song in that list, I have a soul tie
to. Well, I don’t know if soul tie is
the right word but every song on that list applies to me, it’s personal to me,
it’s a story between me and God to me.
These are songs that enable and remind me to worship and praise
God.
But to get back on topic, I have been struggling
spiritually. This is the year of Jubilee. This is the year of second chances. This will also be a year of great turmoil for
those without the blood of the Lamb. We
will either be in the judgment or blessing side. What side am I on?
To give all for God and none for Me has been a very
difficult journey. It was most for me
and some for God. It was half for me and
half for God. It was even less of me and
more for God. But it is never none of me
and all for Him. And I feel that my
pastors, my mentor, the apostles, are saying that if I have even a little bit
of rebellion, of sin, of me, what I want and need (God will provide that), then
I am giving my perfume, my incense, a bad smell. I can’t hang on to both the world and to God. Actually for me, my weakness is not the world,
nor the enemy, but my flesh. Yes the
enemy helps out and the world doesn’t help, but my main weakness, I think, is
my flesh. I have to crucify my
flesh. I have to destroy it. It’s not what I want but what God wants. And I have a hard time doing it. Lying on my bed, I realized I cannot serve
both my flesh and God. The Bible made
that very clear. So I’m left with being
stuck in the middle, an unhappy equilibrium.
I don’t want to sin against God but my mind keeps attacking me. And I want to worship and spend time with God
but my flesh won’t let me. If I choose
to fully follow my flesh, then I will be destroyed, because I cannot survive
without God. But, if I choose to fully
follow God, I will be in great agony, because of my body and soul.
If I didn’t mention this before, I feel my thought process
and my life is similar to Congress. My
flesh occupies one side, my soul another, and my spirit yet another. And the president is there to, me, since I make
the decisions, and the president wants to follow God. But, my flesh is almost always against
me. My soul is with me sometimes but
sometimes not. But my spirit is
willing. So it turns out to be a big
civil war within me. I feel
paralyzed. Any choice I go will
displease the other side. The only parts
that are in agreement are my basic needs, like eating, using the restroom, and
those kind of tasks. And when I fall to
either side, the enemy of that side becomes stronger and I bounce back to my
equilibrium. So I’m stuck.
In the normal world, the world God intended, the flesh
serves the spirit, and the soul is renewed to help the spirit. And the spirit, of course, serves God.
Yesterday, well, I mean on Sunday, I went to the 6pm
bilingual service at Ignite Movement Church.
Thank God for that church! During
the service, there was a time when Pastor Patty told us to come to the altar if
anyone owns a business. I have
investments and I felt I need to go.
When I was up front waiting for one of the leaders to pray over me, I
felt a voice telling me.
I heard a voice telling me that why should God prosper me if
I’m a thief?
“How am I a thief?” I asked the voice.
“You are a thief because you have taken what doesn’t belong
to you. You refused to be content with
what God has given you. Steven, don’t
take what belongs to God.”
That hit me. I have
taken things that belong to God the ungodly way. I tried to use reason but even my money
belongs to God. Everything I have
belongs to Him. My life is His as
well.
I stood there. I told
God I’m sorry and that I’ll repent. Then
a leader came and blessed me.
Recently, however, I am taking many things in the right
direction. I reinforce my identity as
God’s child, and, more just to me, God’s general. I have formed good habits as what Pastor
Patty preached in youth service on Jan. 8th. When I wake up and before I sleep, I always
spend time with God (more so before I sleep, though). I reinforce my identity. I am consistently developing daily and
long-term goals for myself. I still have
a lot of bad habits, though, but I am working on eliminating them. It just takes 21 days. :) And
the fast, the congregational fast, helps.
Fasting, as what my mentor said in tonight’s HOP (House of Peace and I
mean last night since it’s a new day), is about being closer with God. It’s not about the petitions, it’s not about
worldly things; it’s about God.
So, God can give me so much more. Many times, I limit God. I thought to myself that I can only get so
much from God but that’s it. That God
can’t satisfy me fully. But no. God knows me more than I know myself and He
knows the desires of my heart. I just
need to seek Him first.
It’s late now but I feel like I need to write. At least for a bit.
It is said that what one does on his or her birthday can
determine how that person will do for the rest of that year. A birthday, in my opinion, is a very special and
important day. It’s a “me” day and
because it is so important to many people, God values that day all the more.
In another respect, my birthday is just like any other
day. Job even wished that his birthday
be cursed because of the suffering he had endured. When life is bitter and cruel, birthdays tend
not to be a time of celebration, instead, it serves as an ugly reminder of
trying to survive.
I value my birthdays but I remember my past birthdays were
not as good. There were birthdays when I
just hung around my room and play computer games. There were birthdays when I sinned. And I remember those years are not very good.
But this birthday is a change, is a revival. I started my day at 4:30am trying to get up
to go to intercession. Why is
intercession so early? The leaders say
it is to kill the flesh. Evangelism
still scares me so I thought the least I can do is to pray. I love praying. I’m afraid of evangelism because I’m afraid I
have no power or my declarations won’t come true. But that shouldn’t be an issue. God will provide. He provided for me and still provides and
loves me now. The lack of power is
actually caused by a lack of relationship with God, something Pastor Patty
preached about.
Then, at around 7:15am I went to eat breakfast with some
intercession members. We talked until
around 10am? It was a great
relationship-building time.
Then, I went to the commissary and the PX at Fort Bliss to
buy needed supplies and healthy food. I
love shopping at the PX and the commissary because most everything is cheaper
there and tax-free.
Then, I went to Ignite to help with the Powerpoint. I’m so happy that I can help. Today’s service was different from
before. We had to make announcement
videos but by the supernatural grace of God, we are able to accomplish it. I post the Ignite invite events on Craigslist
and Backpage and I remembered downloading a bunch of event pictures from their
facebook page. I used those pictures for
today. Amen.
So, today, my capital day, is a good day. I did not play any computer games and I did
not do any bad things. I find that
talking to myself with God helped a lot.
Still, I really wish one good day can make up for a thousand
bad days. Xuan Nguyen wrote that 30 days
can change a person’s life because if a person does something for 30 days, it
will become a habit for the rest of that person’s life. I have been exercising and eating right. If I can do it for 25 more days, then I have
it for the rest of my life, or at least it’s much easier. New Year Resolutions shouldn’t be so
hard. :)
One day, thirty days, my birthday.
I really wish one day can change my life.
7/19,20/2014 & 8/1/2014: I’m ugly too: My experience finding a girlfriend on Craigslist
22:53-23:40, 00:18-12:30, E: 11:40pm
I have a lot to write today partly because I haven’t written
for so long. But, instead of trying to
write everything, I’m just going to write on one thing.
I’m ugly too. I have
a desire to find a companion. A few
weeks ago, I made a post on Craigslist (CL) in the personals section. I’ll share it here:
I spent a lot of time correcting it and proofreading
it. I made word bubbles to organize my
thoughts. Some people prefer the outline
method but I prefer the bubble method where I write and draw lines to connect
my thoughts. Needless to say, I did not
organize my writing for this entry so it may not be as good as I hoped, but, I
made rough drafts of bubbles in the past and I’m using it. For this personal, I wanted to balance
between sharing about myself and personal safety. I don’t want to share too little and get no
replies nor do I want to share too much and have a chance of getting hurt. I did not share my picture because people may
use them to hurt others. I read a few
personals in CL to get familiarity in writing personals.
So I went to sleep.
Then came night, then came day. When
I woke up in the morning, I instantly went to my computer and checked my
e-mail. Praise God, a person actually
replied to me! She told me she read my
personal, especially the part about God, and she got “hooked.” From the context of her message, I can
reliably tell that this person is not a scammer or a fake person. It happens a lot on CL. So, I replied and shared some of my pictures. She replied and shared me some of hers. However, that is when my dilemma began.
I looked at her pictures (she is around my age). She shared a few; among them is a close-up of
a face picture. As I looked at them, I
realized that she is not the fit woman I am dreaming of. Rather, she described herself as
“average.” However, then my thoughts
went to God. I need to see what God sees
because man looks at the outward appearance (1 Samuel 16:7). These two sides, my flesh and my spirit,
began to fight within me. I became hesitant
and conflicted. I am afraid to say no
after she sent me the pictures because I don’t want to be mean. I feel guilty that I’m judging her based on
her appearance.
I was lying on my bed thinking and debating to myself on
what to do, all the while knowing that time is ticking and if I take too long
to reply, she may think her pictures may have something to do with it. Finally, I decided to go with it. I decided to get to know her first before I
judge and make a decision. I want to see
her face-to-face. I want to meet her, to
talk to her, and to get to know her.
After exchanging a couple of e-mails, she gave me her phone
number and we texted afterwards.
Throughout the entire discourse, I was hesitant. I did not reply as promptly as I could and I
did not give myself 100% due to my internal conflicts.
We texted on the phone.
Initially, it was about everyday topics but then, it was her that moved
the conversation to the spiritual. She
texted me that she’s currently listening to K-Love while driving and asked if I
knew about this station. I told her I
love K-LOVE and I love their songs. But,
I don’t listen to it. Instead, I would
use K-Love as a repository for my mp3 collection. K-Love would often send me songs to vote and
it is there that I decide whether to download the song on YouTube or not. I shared with her my Army experience. I shared with her how difficult Army life
was, especially to me, and of how God helped me so much in the Army and that if
he didn’t help me, I would have died and never made it. Then we talked about our favorite Christian
songs. I told her all the contemporary
Christian artists that I love, many from K-Love. I told her, honestly, that I only listened to
Christian music. She told me she listens
to other types of music as well. I told
her I also listen to a little bit of County.
She said Country is nice.
I then decided to address the issue of my hesitation and
hoped that it doesn’t lead to my ulterior motives. She picked on that right away. I messaged her about my hesitance to communicate
and she affirmed that right away. She
told me she felt I was not being very communicative. And then I told her “Man looks at the outward
appearance but God sees the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7) and that is when the trouble
started. She started telling me “I knew
it” and that I only want “model girls.”
She asked why I didn’t make it clear that appearance is a factor? I told her that it’s because I’m struggling
with God, that my spirit and flesh are at war, and throughout this expedition,
they were deadlocked. There were many
times when I was lying on my bed, frozen with indecision. Finally, I asked if we can talk on the
phone. At an earlier instance, I told
her I communicate better by voice than my texting and when I insisted on voice,
she told me she was sorry and that she won’t message me anymore. To that, I apologized and told her I can
text, too, but I may be a little inexperienced.
She agreed my request to talk on the phone so I called her. I was nervous speaking and I felt it was kind
of awkward. She answered and I
introduced myself, thanked her, and we talked about various topics, about ourselves,
and about God. I don’t really remember
what we talked about but it was similar to the topics that I already
described. I also got to know her work
(which I’m not sharing for confidentiality reasons).
My master plan is that I want to see her, to get to know her
first before I make a decision, but throughout this period, she is
resistant. There were many false
calls. I offered to meet at McDonalds
next to UTEP, since it’s a public place.
She agreed at first, but told me she can only stay for a short
time. This was around 11pm. I had my summer classes and everything. I told her that is fine. Actually, I think she changed it to the UTEP
library. We were going to meet there and
I was going to bicycle there. But, she
told me, at the last minute, that there isn’t enough time. Then I realized maybe I shouldn’t rush. Perhaps she isn’t ready. So I backed off and told her we can meet
face-to-face when you are ready. Later
that night, she asked me a serious question.
She told me not to be offended and when I told her it’s ok, I won’t, she
asked, “where you thinking about kissing me?”
I have no intensions of doing that!
I just wanted to see her, so I can know her more. I told her the truth and she accepted
it. We both said good-night to each
other and that was the first day (I think, or was it the second?).
On the second day, she texted me “Good morning!” and waking
up late, I greeted her back. During
lunchtime, I asked if she wanted to eat lunch with me. She replied that she is already eating lunch
with a friend at the UTEP Student Union Building, but I can come if I
like. However, since it takes about 15
minutes for me to bike there, she warned that she won’t have much time to
converse as she needs to go to work soon.
Man, I biked like there was no tomorrow.
I got dressed like this country is on DEFCON 1 and sped my bicycle to
UTEP.
When I got to the student union building, panting and out of
breath, I texted and then called her. I
couldn’t find her. I was afraid she left
because I took too long. Why are opportunities
always so short? I walked around the
Union looking for her. Then she texted
back saying that she’s at the undergraduate learning center saying good-bye to
a friend. Like chasing Carmen San Diego,
I rushed there but half-way there, she told me that she’s talking with a friend
and walking back to the Union. I told
her that we can meet there. I walked my
bicycle back and waited outside the Union.
I half-expected not to see her and that our relationship is over. But then, I saw her coming from the
steps. I walked towards her and asked, “Excuse
me, are you []?” She said yes and we
greeted each other. There was a group of
students passing me and they looked at us funny when we were introducing
ourselves. We walked into the Union
building and sat on the sofa chairs across from each other. I felt pretty awkward. I felt this is so weird. We shared about ourselves, our family history,
and then she had to leave. She told me
doesn’t go to UTEP yet but she got accepted and she wants to be an English
teacher. She parked her car by the commercial
parking lot near Taco Bell and Whataburger’s.
When bicycling back to my room, I saw her walking and waved her
good-bye. She looked at me and waved bye
as well. I think during the conversation,
she also said repeatedly, “what do you think?” I forgot my answers but I think I gave her
positive ones.
When I got back to my studio, more indecision gripped
me. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know if I was ready. I didn’t know if this is what I really wanted
(I spent huge amounts of time trying to understand myself). I wanted a fairy tale. Then, she texted back to me thanking and asking
me what I thought about the meeting. I
did not reply because I was having a civil war within myself. Before I continue, since it was on a Monday,
I didn’t have my Pre-Calculus lecture today.
Our professor gave us an online quiz to take. And writing about math, I remembered
something. When I was talking to her, there
were times when I told her I was busy because I’m doing my math homework. So, she left me alone but replied, “Ah, I
see. You are a busy bee.” As soon as I finished my math homework on
Sunday, I texted her to let her know.
After some computer games, because of the stress, I laid on
my bed struggling on what to do. My
spirit and body were at it again. She
seems to be a person who loves God. She
seems nice. But my flesh also wants the
appearance to be positive. Mary (not her
real name but for the purpose of this blog, let’s give her a fictional name),
seeing that I didn’t reply gave me a negative answer. “Perhaps not,” she texted back. Finally, I decided to get some advice. I will put this decision or issue on hold and
ask my church pastor, and members from my church about this dilemma. I remembered the story of Rehoboam (2
Chronicles 10) and how bad decisions and bad advice can affect the future. I texted her back why are you so
negative? I never said anything? But then she knows that silence can also
speak volumes. When I told her my idea
of asking my Christian brothers and sisters for advice, she replied, “You are
obviously not interested in me” and “it’s alright because you also go for
appearance.” That was the end of the
story and our relationship is over.
But is it really the end?
Wanting to set a positive tone and to have some meaning, I asked, a few
hours later, “Mary, what is your favorite song?” And I added, “My favorite is “He Keeps me
Singing.” A short time later, she
replied “free to be me” and “why do you ask?”
I replied “I just want to know.”
“Ok, that was random,” she answered.
Now that is the end of the story. She texted again saying “good luck!” a few
days later.
If I cannot have a relationship, I want to at least have a
song, a death song.
I almost forgot.
Before we stopped communicating, I told her what I learned from this
experience. I discovered (perhaps
rediscovered would be a better word) that I’m ugly, except not on the outside,
but on the inside. “People can be ugly
too, and I found that I have aspects of myself that are ugly too. I think being ugly on the outside is the
least of worries because what really matters is being beautiful on the inside,
and Mary, you are beautiful on the inside.”
And when she shared her favorite song, I told her the song is
awesome and by one of my favorite artists (Francesca Battistelli). I joked “I can see why you like this song.” I added this song to my mp3 collection and
may this also be one of my favorite songs.
Just for me to see but this is basically my outline after the introduction:
[Some of the topics you talked about: K-Love, God, Army
experience, favorite Christian songs, and finally, meeting in person.]
[How you started talking about your hesitance and her
appearance.]
[She accusation that you want “model girls.”]
[Your master plan: To meet her first to get to know her.]
[She asked if I was going to “kiss her”.]
[Different scheduling and rescheduling]
[Meet at utep]
[Day of the trip, how you almost missed seeing/meeting her.]
[Your response afterwards, intense internal struggle, not
communicating to her due to that]
[She sees your lack of communication as you are not
interested.]
[Your response: did not reply b/c you are still thinking.]
[Your final decision: To talk with church and Christian
brothers and sisters for advice, what happened when you told her that.]
[The ending]
[Your final message: her favorite song, share yours, why you
asked that question (set positive tone)]
[Analysis of the song as it applies to her, ending, insert
YouTube video]
