The Life Recovery Bible

3/17/2015: The Life Recovery Bible

11:44pm – 12:35am

            On an earlier session during my case management at DC, my resident, a female named Ms. P, asked if I have a copy of the Life Recovery Bible.  She told me she heard that it was very good.  I’ve never heard of it but I promised to her that I’ll find out and, if possible, give her a copy if I can find one for free. 

            Today, I received my order of a Life Recovery Bible.  I opened it and I looked at the footnotes and the addendums.  Boy, this Bible can heal the soul.  Almost every page in the Bible has lengthy footnotes through the lens of addiction and life recovery.

            I asked my intern supervisor about my client’s request and if it is possible for me to buy the book for her.  My supervisor told me, because it will conflict with social work values of giving gifts, I cannot do that.  I felt dejected.  Most people give gifts to gain favor.  I want to give gifts to heal. 

“But,” my intern supervisor told me, “you could donate it to the facility so that everyone has access to the book.” 

He told me that just giving her the book would be unethical because other residents would not be receiving the same gift.  I need to be fair for everyone.  I thought about this idea and I feel it is even better!  It is more macro.  Instead of giving it to just one person, I can give it to the whole facility! 

Yet, as I am reading the book today, I find that I need the book, too.  Bibles come in different shapes and colors and lens.  I have an Evidence Bible which specifically has commentary about evangelism.  That Bible is highly valued and treasured.  I have plain New International Version (NIV) pocket Bibles that I keep.  Now, I have a Life Recovery Bible which has commentary that focus on life healing, following the famous 12-step program.  I prefer Bibles with a specific lens.  I can read the commentary to gain further understanding and apply it to my life.  People keep guns; I keep Bibles.  :p

            Now I want to share the Bible.  I am keeping the one I brought, or perhaps I’ll order the normal-print version.  I ordered the large-print version because I know that many residents may have vision impairments due to their lifestyle.  And, I might donate one to the UTEP library.  I am surprised that I cannot find a copy of the Life Recovery Bible in the library search engine.  I also want to give to some of my fellow interns.  The insight that this Bible has pertaining to recovery is amazing. 

            Unfortunately, the resident that requested this Bible absconded or escaped.  Her counselor told me today.  She is now in San Antonio.  She told me she absconded probably because she relapsed and doesn’t want to have a dirty or positive urinalysis (UA).  In a way, this sucks.  On our session last week, Ms. P told me she would like to focus more on relapse prevention so I prepared it for this week.  This session would have been what’s needed to help her with her situation!  I included that the stages of relapse are emotional, mental, and then physical.  I included symptoms and tips on how to fight against relapse on each stage.  I also included myths.  Many people think relapse prevention is just saying no the moment the drug or other temptation is offered but that is incorrect.  That stage is the most difficult part.  The battle to relapse begins gradually, from the inside.  It starts with the flesh, with the mind, and the temptations that follow it.  A person checks pornography not because that person chooses it when the opportunity comes, but because the thought inside that person keeps nagging, keeps growing, keeps going unchecked.  Oh and before that, the desire that goes with pornography, perhaps the need to be loved, to have a relationship with someone special, is not satisfied.  There is a lack of self-care.  Eventually, the body and the mind wear out and the person gives in.  Dammit!  She missed the meat-and-bones of the treatment plan!

            Partially, it is my mistake.  My intern supervisor told me that I need to focus on the most important issue first, which in this case, is drug addiction.  If I work on other issues such as education or employment, if the primary front of drug addiction collapses, everything else will also collapse.  I covered other topics with her such as employment readiness and education.  I should have focused only on relapse prevention first.  I feel horrible.

            Yet, another part of me feels glad.  This unfortunate event is fortunate for me.  I have one less case to worry about.  I can focus on my other tasks.  But that thought is wrong.  Helping others, especially if I’m required to, should be a blessing.

To say again, and as reflected in my past, many times by helping others, you also help yourself.  Helping others should be a blessing.

Heart Like You

3/17/2015: Heart Like You

1:28am – 2:40am

I just want to be what you want me to be

I just want a heart that’s true.

A heart like you.

God extended my life today.  Today, I was not prepared to give my research presentation for class today.  I already lost 10% of my grade by turning one of my assignments late.  To lose another 10% would be unthinkable.  Yet, in class when the professor drew names, I was spared.  My name was not chosen, but, another woman who was also not prepared was not so lucky.

“I’m not prepared,” she said, and the professor simply drew another name. 

She probably just lost 10% of her grade.  I hear other students say they were angry at her.

“She had the whole spring break,” one of my classmates said, “How can she do that?”

I feel so guilty.  We were both not prepared, yet, she bore the cross for me.  I’m thinking about telling her about this, and, if she’s single, ask her on a date. 

Or, at the very least, go to class next Monday and, before my presentation, tell the class, “To be honest, I was not prepared last Monday and, to be fair, I would like to receive half-credit for my presentation.”

If the professor or classmates persist, I would say, “It is not fair that one of my classmates and I did not prepare, and yet, one of us got full credit and the other got a zero.”

If I fail this class, then so be it.  I would rather do what is right, to have honor, than to take advantage of injustice.  Ironically, this class should be one of the easiest of the social work classes.  There are almost no major papers due, just presentations and SOAP notes that I can finish in five minutes.  Thus, due to the scarcity of the assignments, the assignments that the class does have are weighted more.  Just missing one assignment due to negligence can cost a student the class.  Funny thing is that in my other social work practice class, which is much more intensive with short papers, tests, and assessments to do, I am thriving. 

-

I went to that class late, in a very depressed mood, knowing that if the professor called my name, I am fucked.  I took out a sheet of paper, pretending to take notes, but all I could think about was this song, and the band.  I scribbled the lyrics of this song on my paper.  It is the only thing that comforts me.  Returning to my room after class, I reevaluated my life. 

I realized that God gives grace to the humble.  I have not been seeking God completely, far from it.  I resolved to myself that from now on, I will be humble, to endure, and to have most of my life for God.  More than half my house of representatives and the senate (51%) needs to be for God and my presidency needs to be for God, I joked. 

My classmates tell me that I’m smart, that I should have no issues with my assignments.  One of my classmates told me I could just wing it.  And wing it I did, for much of my academic year, but I can’t wing it this time.  Not if I didn’t even read the research articles I’ve selected.  Not if I didn’t even print the articles to bring to class.  I can’t wing it this time. 

And maybe I’m not that smart.  If I’m stupid enough to lose focus, to lose motivation, to have great difficulty to even start on my assignments during spring break, to struggle with my internship while having been in the Army, than I am not smart.  If I’m stupid enough to think that I can live my life successfully without spending time with God, then I am not smart.  Or I’m just too weak.

Other classmates tell me that playing computer games is not such a bad thing.  “People are addicted to drugs, to alcohol,” a woman told me, “playing games exercises your brain.  It’s a good thing.”  In a way, she is right.  Playing computer games is not such a bad thing.  It does exercise my brain, but, anything that takes the place of God is foolishness.  People can be addicted to work, to family, to working out.  These in and of itself is not bad but it is the amount of time spent on them that destroys.  Being addicted to God, if I can, ironically, is the true antidote that brings freedom. 

            I feel like I have a second wind.  After this near-death experience, I feel strengthened.  But, in a way, I didn’t waste my spring break.  I spent countless hours, the most actually, on my internship and accomplished a lot.  I think another fault I have is I failed to prioritize.  I do focus on the most important things, but, I wanted perfection, so, I spent so much more time and labor on making things perfect while completely ignoring other important objectives so that by the time I get to these other imperatives, I have no desire to start it.  It is better that I do just the basics, a C work all the way and then come back to it, if I have time, to make it better, than for me to do an A work but then earn F’s for all my other work because I’m exhausted. 

            In a way, why am I writing this?  I’m tired.  And on second thought, concerning telling the professor to give me half-credit, I probably won’t do it.  The selfish Steven probably would become dominant and won’t allow me to do it.  But, I must remember that what happened today reminds me of the parable that other branches were cut off so that I can be grafted in.  I still feel so guilty.

The Struggles of Teaching a Transitional Skills class / Catching Fire

3/8/2015: The Struggles of Teaching a Transitional Skills class / Catching Fire

3:38pm – 5:14pm

If last week was my worse class then this week is my most disruptive.  The beginning of the class started out alright. 

A resident came to me before class and said, “Steven, I like your class.  It’s short and sweet.”

I acknowledged him.  Part of my style is to not waste time and to teach what is important. 

After waiting for the resident to finish signing-in (there are 13 residents) and be seated, I introduced myself.  I told them my name and that I’m a social work student at UTEP during my internship here at DC.  Then, I went over the rules, that the class keep voice levels down (variation of only one person can talk and the rest listen) and that everyone respect each other.  I then introduced the topic: Handling Social Influences

I introduced the class by showing them a clip of the famous Millgram experiment, where the experimenter tests people’s obedience to authority against their moral values, conscience, and empathy.  The clip is 15 minutes long but I sped up some sections.  At the end of the clip, I asked the class to summarize.

I’m not sure if it’s just me, but I’ve noticed that almost every class I taught, resident participation is very lacking.  I structured this class to make it more interactive.  Every other sentence I have is either a question or a fill-in-the blank and even then nobody really says anything.  There is a distinct pause in all of my interaction questions.  Thankfully, a few of the residents did speak up but it is just a few and most of my questions are answered by them. 

Then I went over my powerpoint and outline.  What is social influence?  I went back to the video of how seemingly good citizens can do evil things based on following orders.  No wonder the majority of citizens in Germany and Italy supported their dictator.  I made that relate to the individual, that we are influenced by those close to us without knowing.  I covered good and bad influence. 

How to resist social influence?  Well, the first is to know yourself.  I spent some time talking about this, including showing a picture of a scene in Alice in Wonderland where Alice stands in a road of signs.  I added a quote from the cat: “If you don’t know where you want to go, then it doesn’t matter which path you take.”

After knowing yourself, then I discussed preventative measures.  This whole time, as it is worth to note, almost all of the students look uninterested.  They seem to look at their tables and wish that the class can be over.  A few of the residents just worked on the practice questions in the handbook.  One of the residents, by this time and before that, started to grumble that this class is taking so long.  I saw him putting one end of the earphones and he shook his head around like he is listening to music.  As long as he stays quiet, I thought, I’ll tolerate that.  In retrospect, I did the right thing.  Had I disturbed him at that point, the class would have been even more chaotic.  I shared the quote by Benjamin Frankin (by asking a resident to read it), “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” and asked the residents what it means.  I talked how to apply that in our own lives.  Stay away from negative people and situations.  Keep yourself busy doing good things, and so forth.  My next point is how to actually deal with social influences.  It’s like playing tag, I said.  We can’t always run, that is prevent, and not get caught.  There will be situations that we can’t avoid. 

At this point, the person listening on the headphones started to talk loudly to other residents in class.  When I came to tell him that this is a class and that I’m still teaching, he went off on me.  He told me this class is bullshit and a waste of time.  Everybody here has already made up their minds and it can’t change anybody, he said.  To calm the situation down, I told him that the authors of this book and the facility think differently, that the purpose of these classes is to prepare us for life in the greater community because there is hope.  He paused when I said “hope” but he continued to argue saying that he has been taught this over and over again and that he is frustrated.  Another resident said that [a teacher] can cover this in ten to fifteen minutes.  During this whole time, I was trying to move on with the content.  I didn’t want to dismiss their concerns since it hurts the process of the class and I see opportunity to help the residents understand but they are spending too much time on it. So, by this time, I told them bluntly that we need to move on.  The other resident continued to complain.  He said this class is boring.  “Just take a look around,” he said, “Can we leave now?” 

I told him, “Sir, this class is supposed to be an hour-and-a-half long.”  I was going to add that I do have plans to make it shorter since I will be able to cover all my content and I don’t want to waste their and my time.  But he didn’t let me finish.

“An hour and a half??”  “Fuck that,” I think I heard either this resident or the resident with the headphones said.

I told the class, “This class has been pretty disruptive and it is fine to voice your opinions.  However, this is the program [from DC] and you all need to cooperate.”

One of the disturbing residents looked at me and wanted to cuss at me.  But instead he told me that my class is useless, boring, a waste of time, and that I can’t relate to them.  They already know this stuff, he said.  I wanted to say, “Well, if you already know this stuff, then why are you here?”  But I refrained. 

The class was getting out-of-control so I adjusted fire.  Instead of going through the rest of my lesson plan, I decided to just test them on what they knew.

“Many of you told me that you already know this material, so, I will skip the homework and give you guys the test instead.”  “Tell me about handling social influences, how do you handle social influences?” I asked.  The one with the earphone told me that he already told me so he will not cooperate.  In my mind, I didn’t remember him telling me anything about how to handle social influences.  In my questions and answers, I feel either the residents are just very disinterested or they, despite being is so many transitional skills classes in prison and halfway houses, still don’t know the material well enough. 

“Just say no,” one of the residents said. 

“Saying no is one way to handle social influences,” I said, “What are some other ways?” 

That resident looked at me like I’m crazy.  I then covered other strategies such as compromise but that not one strategy will work in all circumstances.

“It is like the tools in a toolbox. Just as one tool can’t fix everything, so can one strategy be inappropriate in a situation.”

The troublemaking resident interrupted me again and asked me if the class is done.

I told him, “Sir, if you are not willing to stay for the class, you may leave but I won’t be able to sign your sheet.”

That resident took my words as a threat.  “Are you threatening me?” he said.  I tried to diffuse the situation by saying that I’m not threating him but I still need to teach the class.  Instead, he got up and walked away, even after when I told him, in reality, that the class was almost over. 

Like one minute after he left, I concluded the class.  Many of the residents by now are complaining or grumbling at me. 

The one with the earphones told me, “Don’t come back next week.” 

The one who left early came back shortly and gave me a sort-of apology but with his justifications.  I still signed his sheet.

I felt like crying.  I don’t want to be here.  I’m not paid enough.  I, like many of the American people, probably work just as hard as CEO’s but earn only a tiny fraction of them.  We sweat, give our time, our lives, and our heart to earn measly wages.  For me, I’m doing this for free.  Social workers, I believe, have the worse deal of all.  They labor for the oppressed, they advocate for them, try to promote change in the community, work in the mico, mezzo, and macro levels and still get paid the least of all professional professions.  I am struggling with this issue, at the unfairness of American society, where hard work does not equal fair pay.  But, I told myself that another factor other than money is fulfillment.  The Prophet in Ecclesiastics got it right: “I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live” (Ecc. 3:12).  If I enjoy what I’m doing, then it won’t be a burden or a job for me.

            When I signed off the resident’s time sheets, I still said thank you and have a nice day to each of them because, as I told them earlier in class, I wish them the best.  Many of the residents said thank you back.

            One of the last residents, when it was his turn for me to sign his book and attendance sheet, told me to not give up.  He said that there are many residents that just think this program and everything in it is bullshit but he adds that many people like him are trying to change.  He told me not to let these people get to me and that he knows I care.

“Keep doing what you’re doing.” he said, “Don’t let them [bother you].”

            The last resident also encouraged me.  He told me that in this world, there are people who are strong and those are smart.  It is easy to be strong, he said, but hard to be smart.  I didn’t really remember what he told me since I was in a little bit of a shock.  He said that there are people who want to better themselves and those that don’t.  For those that don’t, we can’t force them to change.  They have to do it themselves.  I agree with him.  In social work it’s called self-determination.  When he said that, I began to think if I was being too forceful on some of them.  Instead of debating, perhaps I should have just asked them to leave.  There is a balance with that.

“Be strong.“ he told me, and left. 

I feel part of it is my fault, that I didn’t put in 100% in preparing for this class because, hey, I’m not being paid for this and I have a million other things to do and I feel stressed and overwhelmed. 

After doing the paperwork and filing the sheets of the residents who attended, I came to the intern office to rest and reflect.  I was planning to do a lot today, but I can’t just move on as usual with experiences such as these.  I want to take some time to reflect and learn and let time heal me for a bit.  That is why I decided to write my experience for my blog entry today.

I’m bad at remembering names but good at remembering stories.  Well, maybe not even that, since I’m writing it down.  Hopefully by writing my experiences down, I can learn from them in the future.  

3/5/2015

3/5/2015: (A World without Hope)

End: 3:51pm

In season 4, episode 19 of the X-Files titled “Synchrony,” Jason, Lisa, and Dr. Yonechi discovered time travel, or should I say, will discover time travel.  It sounds awesome, right?  Many times, humankind doesn’t anticipate the consequences of technology.  Such is the theme of this episode.  The elder Jason, the one from the future, tried to destroy his work.  He told the younger Jason that this invention makes it “a world without history, without hope, where anyone can know everything that will ever happen.  I’ve seen that world.”

Let me speculate this for a bit.  What does he mean that he has seen that world, a hopeless world?  If I know my future, if we all know our futures, then its predestination.  If I know I will eventually be a math teacher or a social worker and my future child will go into computer science, then great!  But let’s add socioeconomic status here.  What if a disadvantaged person, someone from the lower or underclass were to be able to see his or her future?  What will their future be like or their children?  Most likely, using statistics, many of them will have a bleak future.  Many of them will continue to be in a cycle of poverty.  What would you do if you are in their situation?  What would you do if you know that three years from now, you will be homeless and in six years you will be gunned down on the street?  And three of your children will be dead in seven years.  Many of them will probably choose to die.  Why live knowing that your future is bleak? 

And if they choose to end the cycle of poverty by death, it will affect everybody else.  The example I gave doesn’t have to be that severe.  What if people know that they will live the remainder of their lives as a wage slave?  This will be a world without hope.  Once the lower classes extinguish themselves, the upper classes will start to collapse, too, since they need the services and labor from the lower classes to maintain their status.  People need hope to live.

-

This scenario assumes that time can only go forward, not back.  If time travel can go backwards as well, then many people may want to redo their lives and not make the same mistakes again.  I would like to do the same.  :p  But this possibility then opens up a much bigger reality.  If everyone were to go back in time to correct their mistakes, there may be parallel universes.  Somewhere, I may be a general Steven, a scientist Steven, a pilgrim Steven, or even a hacker Steven.  Ok, it’s getting too confusing.  Time travel is probably not ever going to be feasible.        

If there is a God (of the Bible), and I believe so, then it won’t be feasible because a man reaps what he sows (Gal. 6:7).  What give us hope; what gives me hope is the hope of eternal life, that as long as we try to love and follow Him, we will have a great future.

Most Important / The worst Steven

3/4/2015: Most Important / The worst Steven

9:57am – 10:58am

I want to write something now, so people will think I’m a sucky writer.  I want to post my other blog but I don’t want people to get the wrong idea.

The client I had my case with, she knows she has a problem.  She knows she wants to change.  But it is the cravings that threaten to destroy her.  She knows what the dangers of addiction can cause.  I told her that.  We explained together.  It takes time away from other things.  Time is life.

Trying to help her, I am reminded of my own vulnerability.  I also have my cravings.  I’m not sure if I’m addicted to it but I do feel that I really want to play computer games.  Other people tell me oh I like to watch movies or oh I like watch TV shows but I always tell them that playing games is better.  Why?  Because you don’t just use your eyes.  You use your eyes, your hands, your mind, and sometimes, your heart.  And I’m not counting those games that just require manual dexterity.  I hate those games too, well, not really but I relatively suck at them as well.  I’m talking about games that require you to think.  Puzzles that bring a challenge and fun that this world cannot provide. 

-

My transitional skills class I taught on Sunday.  It was supposed to be an hour and thirty minutes long.  I only taught for thirty minutes.  It was supposed to be about time management.  I did not talk about time management.  For a class like this, I need hours, probably five hours, to prepare, and even that, not fully.  I only had an hour and a half (depending since I was also making breakfast or lunch and playing games). 

Instead, I lied down on my bed and started thinking.  The self-help articles I read the day before helped me.  If I only have one hour to prepare, what should I do?  I thought about making a time management quiz.  I tried that, but, in the end, it didn’t work because it took too long and I wasted twenty minutes due to the effort.  I thought, if I only have limited time, I’m going to focus on what is most important.  Then, I remembered what my pastor at Ignite taught about time and purpose.  The sermon was so good that I actually took notes on my cellphone (yes, there’s an app for that :) ) and wrote them on my computer afterwards.  She said that if we are in our purpose then we will not waste time.  We will not waste time because we will always be doing what we are meant to do. 

So there I go.  I only have a little time left.  I want to use that time to teach what is most important.  Time management is just the tools.  If a person has no purpose or mission then time management is mostly useless.  I told myself half of time management is about knowing what to do, is about knowing your purpose.

So, I included these questions and points based from the sermon:

1) Seek God: The more you seek God, the more your life will be clear to you.  Air superiority- Spiritual world affects physical world.

2) What is most dominant in your mind?

3) What are you most passionate about?  What is your passion?

4) What do you pursue the most?

5) What releases your compassion?  Whatever releases your compassion is your purpose.

6) What makes you angry?  What releases in you a holy anger?

7) What can you do for free?  Whatever you find fulfilment in doing without getting paid.

I concluded the class with a quote, “The greatest tragedy in life is for you to live your life and not ever ever step into your purpose” and “stop wasting time, you are created with a purpose.”

I asked the class for any questions and comments and one resident raised his hand.  He told me the class today is very religious and there might be other residents that don’t share the same beliefs as me.  I anticipated his question but I still appeared to have trouble answering his question.  And, my eyes hurt.  Well, not hurt but sore and it’s been sore for weeks now probably because I spent too much time on my computer and lack of exercise.  I told him that I understand that other people may share a different religion and I respect that.  But, I said that almost everyone here probably believes in a higher power and that we are created and not here by chance.  The points I am saying is good and even if someone from a different faith hears it, they are likely to agree.  I’m not admonishing or giving them the judgment of God, but rather, the other half.  I’m giving them what people want to hear.  And, regardless of religion or faith, the questions of finding your purpose still has practical applications for everyone.  Lastly, I mentioned that the halfway house is named Dismas Charities and it is founded by a Catholic priest.  On saying that, another resident complained and said if this is Dismas’ mission, then Father Diersen  would be rolling on his grave.  I acknowledged his complaint and added that part of Dismas’ mission is to “heal the human spirit” (http://www.dismas.com/50-years-of-healing-the-human-spirit/) and that we might be doing a good job of it. But, I told him that this facility does have a mission and that is what matters.

Walking out, I felt this is the worse class I have taught.  I told the residents that I really have no experience with the offender population but that I am still trying and will do my best.  Well, do my best given my circumstances will be a better term.  But, I felt encouraged that when I told the class to write those purpose questions down, many of them did write it.  It may be my worse class but I felt I taught what mattered. 

If a person only has a few months to live, I wouldn’t teach that person math or social work.  I would tell that person about God and his grace.  I would focus on what is most important. 

S (first initial only), who is heading a women group after my class, asked me how it went.  I kind of avoided that question and talked about other subjects.  She was the one who “graded” my transitional skills class last week.  Since I came to Dismas early, she tipped me that she will attend my class.  Luckily, I had five hours to prepare for that.  I gave my class and we both agreed that it was great.  But, I should have added more interaction.  I see other interns with their classes and they all seem to mix with them more comfortably and effectively and there was more interaction.  All of them have more experience than me.  One of them was an offender himself and the other was a counselor and headed parenting groups in her workplace.  Not fair.  :(  :)  Funny how I went from my best to my worse class in a week.  Well, it may not be the worse class.  Only God can see and know that.  What matters is that I do my best and trust in Him and not let my cravings get the best of me.

-

My grades in social work are inflated.  If this was a nursing program, I would have failed, again.  This week has been a death valley week for many of us, well, or maybe just me.  We have two major assignments due and I could barely do them.  I told C (first initials only) that I made kind of a promise to myself.  I will still do the work, I will still finish the race.  It may not be the best Steven or the good Steven; it may be the worse Steven, the depressed Steven, the sad Steven, but the work will still be Steven’s, it will be Steven-quality.  :p  And due to the stress, I forgot to turn in my SOAP assignment.  I just lost 10% of my grade.  :(  Yes, it hurts a lot to me.  But, I still did it anyways (basically, I wrote a draft in class but I forgot to type it and submit it to blackboard which pisses me off even more).  I asked my professor that even though I won’t get any points for it, or I hope I’m wrong, I still would like the feedback.  Thinking about this ordeal, I reasoned that my grades last semester are overinflated.  I felt I didn’t try as hard as other students but I still got good grades.  Maybe God is just judging me and balancing my grades out.  It still hurts.  I may not get good grades this semester.  But, I will still focus or try to focus on what is most important.  

Jobs in heaven

2015.2.26: Jobs in heaven

S: 12:57am

E: 1:38am

I haven’t written anything for a long time.  There are a lot of reasons but I’m going to skip them. 

My main concern for this entry is about my situation. 

I feel this world is really like a caste system.  There are really no equal opportunities.  Getting a job depends on who you know.  Oh how I wish both the rich and poor have an equal chance of getting a job based on their dedication.  Not experience.  Experience makes things unfair.  It will not be unfair if there are entry-level jobs that can cover experience but there are none, essentially none.  All the jobs, it seems, requires you to know somebody.  Requiring people to know somebody is unfair because not everyone receives the same opportunities to meet people.  The privileged will meet more privileged and the poor and underclass will meet more poor and the underclassed. 

I feel so hopeless.  I’ll never get a job that shows my true worth.  I probably won’t get a job.  The world doesn’t understand that people need jobs to survive.  Why so much competition?  Why can’t there be guaranteed jobs for people who can’t find any other jobs?  That would be a start for a better society. 

I feel the kingdom of darkness and the ruler of this world wants me to feel hopeless, depressed, to wallow in self-pity, and what not.  But although I am suffering from these symptoms because I am human, I have emotions, I still will remember the One who created me and loves me.  Just because darkness is all around me doesn’t not mean God is dead.  No.  Just because I can’t see God or his help does not mean there is nothing I can do. 

I know God is love and He is the one who loves me.  Even if God never loves me again or gives me hope in this world again, still will I seek him.  I will say that I am doing no wrong and I am making no mistake if I raise my hands to God.  As long as I seek God, contrary to what this world is telling me, I will have a better result.  If that result is still death, then at least it is death with seeking God. 

I do not know how my Lord will be able to help me.  The odds are too stacked against me.  I lack experience.  I lack knowing the right people.  I may even lack some of the skills.  But, it doesn’t matter.  This world wants us to think that it matters.  To achieve them is unachievable.  Yes, they essentially are.  What matters is securing my eternal future by seeking and loving God.  Even if my life here on Earth will end, seeking Him is one of the best things anyone can do.  There is no such thing as too much of him.  There is no toxicity level with God.  If someone spends 100% of his or her time with God, I count that person blessed. 

Right now, I feel there is no hope for me.  I am being realistic.  A resume doesn’t cover everything about me.  There is more to me than a sheet of paper.  But most don’t know that.  They judge what they see. 

Perhaps it is a blessing that finding a job is so momentous for me.  It is a gift that stones are placed in my way.  I am starving, dying of thirst, to reach the finish line.  But what finish line?  The world’s?  I shall stop this race and pray and seek God.  I know contrary to what this world is telling me or what I am seeing, God can do anything.  He can lift a homeless man or woman up and have that person become a president, even the president of his or her country.  I believe that.  In the end, it is not man who decides, but God.  It is not man who determines his or her future, but God.  A man, regardless of his or her station in life, is only measured on one thing: how much that person loves God and through God, loves people.  That’s all.  If society really loves their fellowman, finding a job should be as plentiful as the streets of gold at heaven.  There should be employers begging people to come to this job.  People will not look, indeed, it will be already there! 

I guess this life I live.  I most likely will not live long.  Let not my eyes deceive me.  Let not the pleasures of this world confound me.  My life is but a breath.  I say, it is blessing to die because I can no longer survive if I spend my last days with God.  And because I do not know when my time will come, should not all my time be based for Him? 

If things continue in its natural state; if it continues in its natural law, then I will die soon and be with God.  I write “be with God” because that may or may not happen.  But what I will do, what will happen, is that I do my best to be with Him.  The secret of life is this: It is better to die than to live and see pain.  The joys of eternal rest outweighs the burdens of daily life.  Living may be a curse while death may be a release.  I have still not caught the essence of this.  Happier is the one who dies than the one who lives but suffers. 

But, to end this, I do know one thing.  Hope comes from God.  Love comes from God.  Grace comes from God.  Joy, happiness, prosperity, peace, and everything good, even sex, comes from God.  The one who seeks God is like one who is trying to cheat in this life.  This world hates cheaters, it hates those who circumvent these worldly ways.  The cheat in this life is knowing God and knowing him deeply, and loving him through life or in death.