Heart Like You

3/17/2015: Heart Like You

1:28am – 2:40am

I just want to be what you want me to be

I just want a heart that’s true.

A heart like you.

God extended my life today.  Today, I was not prepared to give my research presentation for class today.  I already lost 10% of my grade by turning one of my assignments late.  To lose another 10% would be unthinkable.  Yet, in class when the professor drew names, I was spared.  My name was not chosen, but, another woman who was also not prepared was not so lucky.

“I’m not prepared,” she said, and the professor simply drew another name. 

She probably just lost 10% of her grade.  I hear other students say they were angry at her.

“She had the whole spring break,” one of my classmates said, “How can she do that?”

I feel so guilty.  We were both not prepared, yet, she bore the cross for me.  I’m thinking about telling her about this, and, if she’s single, ask her on a date. 

Or, at the very least, go to class next Monday and, before my presentation, tell the class, “To be honest, I was not prepared last Monday and, to be fair, I would like to receive half-credit for my presentation.”

If the professor or classmates persist, I would say, “It is not fair that one of my classmates and I did not prepare, and yet, one of us got full credit and the other got a zero.”

If I fail this class, then so be it.  I would rather do what is right, to have honor, than to take advantage of injustice.  Ironically, this class should be one of the easiest of the social work classes.  There are almost no major papers due, just presentations and SOAP notes that I can finish in five minutes.  Thus, due to the scarcity of the assignments, the assignments that the class does have are weighted more.  Just missing one assignment due to negligence can cost a student the class.  Funny thing is that in my other social work practice class, which is much more intensive with short papers, tests, and assessments to do, I am thriving. 

-

I went to that class late, in a very depressed mood, knowing that if the professor called my name, I am fucked.  I took out a sheet of paper, pretending to take notes, but all I could think about was this song, and the band.  I scribbled the lyrics of this song on my paper.  It is the only thing that comforts me.  Returning to my room after class, I reevaluated my life. 

I realized that God gives grace to the humble.  I have not been seeking God completely, far from it.  I resolved to myself that from now on, I will be humble, to endure, and to have most of my life for God.  More than half my house of representatives and the senate (51%) needs to be for God and my presidency needs to be for God, I joked. 

My classmates tell me that I’m smart, that I should have no issues with my assignments.  One of my classmates told me I could just wing it.  And wing it I did, for much of my academic year, but I can’t wing it this time.  Not if I didn’t even read the research articles I’ve selected.  Not if I didn’t even print the articles to bring to class.  I can’t wing it this time. 

And maybe I’m not that smart.  If I’m stupid enough to lose focus, to lose motivation, to have great difficulty to even start on my assignments during spring break, to struggle with my internship while having been in the Army, than I am not smart.  If I’m stupid enough to think that I can live my life successfully without spending time with God, then I am not smart.  Or I’m just too weak.

Other classmates tell me that playing computer games is not such a bad thing.  “People are addicted to drugs, to alcohol,” a woman told me, “playing games exercises your brain.  It’s a good thing.”  In a way, she is right.  Playing computer games is not such a bad thing.  It does exercise my brain, but, anything that takes the place of God is foolishness.  People can be addicted to work, to family, to working out.  These in and of itself is not bad but it is the amount of time spent on them that destroys.  Being addicted to God, if I can, ironically, is the true antidote that brings freedom. 

            I feel like I have a second wind.  After this near-death experience, I feel strengthened.  But, in a way, I didn’t waste my spring break.  I spent countless hours, the most actually, on my internship and accomplished a lot.  I think another fault I have is I failed to prioritize.  I do focus on the most important things, but, I wanted perfection, so, I spent so much more time and labor on making things perfect while completely ignoring other important objectives so that by the time I get to these other imperatives, I have no desire to start it.  It is better that I do just the basics, a C work all the way and then come back to it, if I have time, to make it better, than for me to do an A work but then earn F’s for all my other work because I’m exhausted. 

            In a way, why am I writing this?  I’m tired.  And on second thought, concerning telling the professor to give me half-credit, I probably won’t do it.  The selfish Steven probably would become dominant and won’t allow me to do it.  But, I must remember that what happened today reminds me of the parable that other branches were cut off so that I can be grafted in.  I still feel so guilty.

The Struggles of Teaching a Transitional Skills class / Catching Fire

3/8/2015: The Struggles of Teaching a Transitional Skills class / Catching Fire

3:38pm – 5:14pm

If last week was my worse class then this week is my most disruptive.  The beginning of the class started out alright. 

A resident came to me before class and said, “Steven, I like your class.  It’s short and sweet.”

I acknowledged him.  Part of my style is to not waste time and to teach what is important. 

After waiting for the resident to finish signing-in (there are 13 residents) and be seated, I introduced myself.  I told them my name and that I’m a social work student at UTEP during my internship here at DC.  Then, I went over the rules, that the class keep voice levels down (variation of only one person can talk and the rest listen) and that everyone respect each other.  I then introduced the topic: Handling Social Influences

I introduced the class by showing them a clip of the famous Millgram experiment, where the experimenter tests people’s obedience to authority against their moral values, conscience, and empathy.  The clip is 15 minutes long but I sped up some sections.  At the end of the clip, I asked the class to summarize.

I’m not sure if it’s just me, but I’ve noticed that almost every class I taught, resident participation is very lacking.  I structured this class to make it more interactive.  Every other sentence I have is either a question or a fill-in-the blank and even then nobody really says anything.  There is a distinct pause in all of my interaction questions.  Thankfully, a few of the residents did speak up but it is just a few and most of my questions are answered by them. 

Then I went over my powerpoint and outline.  What is social influence?  I went back to the video of how seemingly good citizens can do evil things based on following orders.  No wonder the majority of citizens in Germany and Italy supported their dictator.  I made that relate to the individual, that we are influenced by those close to us without knowing.  I covered good and bad influence. 

How to resist social influence?  Well, the first is to know yourself.  I spent some time talking about this, including showing a picture of a scene in Alice in Wonderland where Alice stands in a road of signs.  I added a quote from the cat: “If you don’t know where you want to go, then it doesn’t matter which path you take.”

After knowing yourself, then I discussed preventative measures.  This whole time, as it is worth to note, almost all of the students look uninterested.  They seem to look at their tables and wish that the class can be over.  A few of the residents just worked on the practice questions in the handbook.  One of the residents, by this time and before that, started to grumble that this class is taking so long.  I saw him putting one end of the earphones and he shook his head around like he is listening to music.  As long as he stays quiet, I thought, I’ll tolerate that.  In retrospect, I did the right thing.  Had I disturbed him at that point, the class would have been even more chaotic.  I shared the quote by Benjamin Frankin (by asking a resident to read it), “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” and asked the residents what it means.  I talked how to apply that in our own lives.  Stay away from negative people and situations.  Keep yourself busy doing good things, and so forth.  My next point is how to actually deal with social influences.  It’s like playing tag, I said.  We can’t always run, that is prevent, and not get caught.  There will be situations that we can’t avoid. 

At this point, the person listening on the headphones started to talk loudly to other residents in class.  When I came to tell him that this is a class and that I’m still teaching, he went off on me.  He told me this class is bullshit and a waste of time.  Everybody here has already made up their minds and it can’t change anybody, he said.  To calm the situation down, I told him that the authors of this book and the facility think differently, that the purpose of these classes is to prepare us for life in the greater community because there is hope.  He paused when I said “hope” but he continued to argue saying that he has been taught this over and over again and that he is frustrated.  Another resident said that [a teacher] can cover this in ten to fifteen minutes.  During this whole time, I was trying to move on with the content.  I didn’t want to dismiss their concerns since it hurts the process of the class and I see opportunity to help the residents understand but they are spending too much time on it. So, by this time, I told them bluntly that we need to move on.  The other resident continued to complain.  He said this class is boring.  “Just take a look around,” he said, “Can we leave now?” 

I told him, “Sir, this class is supposed to be an hour-and-a-half long.”  I was going to add that I do have plans to make it shorter since I will be able to cover all my content and I don’t want to waste their and my time.  But he didn’t let me finish.

“An hour and a half??”  “Fuck that,” I think I heard either this resident or the resident with the headphones said.

I told the class, “This class has been pretty disruptive and it is fine to voice your opinions.  However, this is the program [from DC] and you all need to cooperate.”

One of the disturbing residents looked at me and wanted to cuss at me.  But instead he told me that my class is useless, boring, a waste of time, and that I can’t relate to them.  They already know this stuff, he said.  I wanted to say, “Well, if you already know this stuff, then why are you here?”  But I refrained. 

The class was getting out-of-control so I adjusted fire.  Instead of going through the rest of my lesson plan, I decided to just test them on what they knew.

“Many of you told me that you already know this material, so, I will skip the homework and give you guys the test instead.”  “Tell me about handling social influences, how do you handle social influences?” I asked.  The one with the earphone told me that he already told me so he will not cooperate.  In my mind, I didn’t remember him telling me anything about how to handle social influences.  In my questions and answers, I feel either the residents are just very disinterested or they, despite being is so many transitional skills classes in prison and halfway houses, still don’t know the material well enough. 

“Just say no,” one of the residents said. 

“Saying no is one way to handle social influences,” I said, “What are some other ways?” 

That resident looked at me like I’m crazy.  I then covered other strategies such as compromise but that not one strategy will work in all circumstances.

“It is like the tools in a toolbox. Just as one tool can’t fix everything, so can one strategy be inappropriate in a situation.”

The troublemaking resident interrupted me again and asked me if the class is done.

I told him, “Sir, if you are not willing to stay for the class, you may leave but I won’t be able to sign your sheet.”

That resident took my words as a threat.  “Are you threatening me?” he said.  I tried to diffuse the situation by saying that I’m not threating him but I still need to teach the class.  Instead, he got up and walked away, even after when I told him, in reality, that the class was almost over. 

Like one minute after he left, I concluded the class.  Many of the residents by now are complaining or grumbling at me. 

The one with the earphones told me, “Don’t come back next week.” 

The one who left early came back shortly and gave me a sort-of apology but with his justifications.  I still signed his sheet.

I felt like crying.  I don’t want to be here.  I’m not paid enough.  I, like many of the American people, probably work just as hard as CEO’s but earn only a tiny fraction of them.  We sweat, give our time, our lives, and our heart to earn measly wages.  For me, I’m doing this for free.  Social workers, I believe, have the worse deal of all.  They labor for the oppressed, they advocate for them, try to promote change in the community, work in the mico, mezzo, and macro levels and still get paid the least of all professional professions.  I am struggling with this issue, at the unfairness of American society, where hard work does not equal fair pay.  But, I told myself that another factor other than money is fulfillment.  The Prophet in Ecclesiastics got it right: “I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live” (Ecc. 3:12).  If I enjoy what I’m doing, then it won’t be a burden or a job for me.

            When I signed off the resident’s time sheets, I still said thank you and have a nice day to each of them because, as I told them earlier in class, I wish them the best.  Many of the residents said thank you back.

            One of the last residents, when it was his turn for me to sign his book and attendance sheet, told me to not give up.  He said that there are many residents that just think this program and everything in it is bullshit but he adds that many people like him are trying to change.  He told me not to let these people get to me and that he knows I care.

“Keep doing what you’re doing.” he said, “Don’t let them [bother you].”

            The last resident also encouraged me.  He told me that in this world, there are people who are strong and those are smart.  It is easy to be strong, he said, but hard to be smart.  I didn’t really remember what he told me since I was in a little bit of a shock.  He said that there are people who want to better themselves and those that don’t.  For those that don’t, we can’t force them to change.  They have to do it themselves.  I agree with him.  In social work it’s called self-determination.  When he said that, I began to think if I was being too forceful on some of them.  Instead of debating, perhaps I should have just asked them to leave.  There is a balance with that.

“Be strong.“ he told me, and left. 

I feel part of it is my fault, that I didn’t put in 100% in preparing for this class because, hey, I’m not being paid for this and I have a million other things to do and I feel stressed and overwhelmed. 

After doing the paperwork and filing the sheets of the residents who attended, I came to the intern office to rest and reflect.  I was planning to do a lot today, but I can’t just move on as usual with experiences such as these.  I want to take some time to reflect and learn and let time heal me for a bit.  That is why I decided to write my experience for my blog entry today.

I’m bad at remembering names but good at remembering stories.  Well, maybe not even that, since I’m writing it down.  Hopefully by writing my experiences down, I can learn from them in the future.  

3/5/2015

3/5/2015: (A World without Hope)

End: 3:51pm

In season 4, episode 19 of the X-Files titled “Synchrony,” Jason, Lisa, and Dr. Yonechi discovered time travel, or should I say, will discover time travel.  It sounds awesome, right?  Many times, humankind doesn’t anticipate the consequences of technology.  Such is the theme of this episode.  The elder Jason, the one from the future, tried to destroy his work.  He told the younger Jason that this invention makes it “a world without history, without hope, where anyone can know everything that will ever happen.  I’ve seen that world.”

Let me speculate this for a bit.  What does he mean that he has seen that world, a hopeless world?  If I know my future, if we all know our futures, then its predestination.  If I know I will eventually be a math teacher or a social worker and my future child will go into computer science, then great!  But let’s add socioeconomic status here.  What if a disadvantaged person, someone from the lower or underclass were to be able to see his or her future?  What will their future be like or their children?  Most likely, using statistics, many of them will have a bleak future.  Many of them will continue to be in a cycle of poverty.  What would you do if you are in their situation?  What would you do if you know that three years from now, you will be homeless and in six years you will be gunned down on the street?  And three of your children will be dead in seven years.  Many of them will probably choose to die.  Why live knowing that your future is bleak? 

And if they choose to end the cycle of poverty by death, it will affect everybody else.  The example I gave doesn’t have to be that severe.  What if people know that they will live the remainder of their lives as a wage slave?  This will be a world without hope.  Once the lower classes extinguish themselves, the upper classes will start to collapse, too, since they need the services and labor from the lower classes to maintain their status.  People need hope to live.

-

This scenario assumes that time can only go forward, not back.  If time travel can go backwards as well, then many people may want to redo their lives and not make the same mistakes again.  I would like to do the same.  :p  But this possibility then opens up a much bigger reality.  If everyone were to go back in time to correct their mistakes, there may be parallel universes.  Somewhere, I may be a general Steven, a scientist Steven, a pilgrim Steven, or even a hacker Steven.  Ok, it’s getting too confusing.  Time travel is probably not ever going to be feasible.        

If there is a God (of the Bible), and I believe so, then it won’t be feasible because a man reaps what he sows (Gal. 6:7).  What give us hope; what gives me hope is the hope of eternal life, that as long as we try to love and follow Him, we will have a great future.

Jobs in heaven

2015.2.26: Jobs in heaven

S: 12:57am

E: 1:38am

I haven’t written anything for a long time.  There are a lot of reasons but I’m going to skip them. 

My main concern for this entry is about my situation. 

I feel this world is really like a caste system.  There are really no equal opportunities.  Getting a job depends on who you know.  Oh how I wish both the rich and poor have an equal chance of getting a job based on their dedication.  Not experience.  Experience makes things unfair.  It will not be unfair if there are entry-level jobs that can cover experience but there are none, essentially none.  All the jobs, it seems, requires you to know somebody.  Requiring people to know somebody is unfair because not everyone receives the same opportunities to meet people.  The privileged will meet more privileged and the poor and underclass will meet more poor and the underclassed. 

I feel so hopeless.  I’ll never get a job that shows my true worth.  I probably won’t get a job.  The world doesn’t understand that people need jobs to survive.  Why so much competition?  Why can’t there be guaranteed jobs for people who can’t find any other jobs?  That would be a start for a better society. 

I feel the kingdom of darkness and the ruler of this world wants me to feel hopeless, depressed, to wallow in self-pity, and what not.  But although I am suffering from these symptoms because I am human, I have emotions, I still will remember the One who created me and loves me.  Just because darkness is all around me doesn’t not mean God is dead.  No.  Just because I can’t see God or his help does not mean there is nothing I can do. 

I know God is love and He is the one who loves me.  Even if God never loves me again or gives me hope in this world again, still will I seek him.  I will say that I am doing no wrong and I am making no mistake if I raise my hands to God.  As long as I seek God, contrary to what this world is telling me, I will have a better result.  If that result is still death, then at least it is death with seeking God. 

I do not know how my Lord will be able to help me.  The odds are too stacked against me.  I lack experience.  I lack knowing the right people.  I may even lack some of the skills.  But, it doesn’t matter.  This world wants us to think that it matters.  To achieve them is unachievable.  Yes, they essentially are.  What matters is securing my eternal future by seeking and loving God.  Even if my life here on Earth will end, seeking Him is one of the best things anyone can do.  There is no such thing as too much of him.  There is no toxicity level with God.  If someone spends 100% of his or her time with God, I count that person blessed. 

Right now, I feel there is no hope for me.  I am being realistic.  A resume doesn’t cover everything about me.  There is more to me than a sheet of paper.  But most don’t know that.  They judge what they see. 

Perhaps it is a blessing that finding a job is so momentous for me.  It is a gift that stones are placed in my way.  I am starving, dying of thirst, to reach the finish line.  But what finish line?  The world’s?  I shall stop this race and pray and seek God.  I know contrary to what this world is telling me or what I am seeing, God can do anything.  He can lift a homeless man or woman up and have that person become a president, even the president of his or her country.  I believe that.  In the end, it is not man who decides, but God.  It is not man who determines his or her future, but God.  A man, regardless of his or her station in life, is only measured on one thing: how much that person loves God and through God, loves people.  That’s all.  If society really loves their fellowman, finding a job should be as plentiful as the streets of gold at heaven.  There should be employers begging people to come to this job.  People will not look, indeed, it will be already there! 

I guess this life I live.  I most likely will not live long.  Let not my eyes deceive me.  Let not the pleasures of this world confound me.  My life is but a breath.  I say, it is blessing to die because I can no longer survive if I spend my last days with God.  And because I do not know when my time will come, should not all my time be based for Him? 

If things continue in its natural state; if it continues in its natural law, then I will die soon and be with God.  I write “be with God” because that may or may not happen.  But what I will do, what will happen, is that I do my best to be with Him.  The secret of life is this: It is better to die than to live and see pain.  The joys of eternal rest outweighs the burdens of daily life.  Living may be a curse while death may be a release.  I have still not caught the essence of this.  Happier is the one who dies than the one who lives but suffers. 

But, to end this, I do know one thing.  Hope comes from God.  Love comes from God.  Grace comes from God.  Joy, happiness, prosperity, peace, and everything good, even sex, comes from God.  The one who seeks God is like one who is trying to cheat in this life.  This world hates cheaters, it hates those who circumvent these worldly ways.  The cheat in this life is knowing God and knowing him deeply, and loving him through life or in death.

8/24/2014:

8/24/2014:

S: 2155 E: 0024

Q: How are you feeling right now?

A: I’m having mixed feelings.  I’m feeling many feelings at the same time. 

Q: Could you share on some of them?

A: Those that are unclassified, I can share.  Most of my thoughts are unclassified anyways.  Except a few.  You need to have secret or top-secret clearance for that.  :p  And, so far, nobody has that.  Well, except my mom, she has secret clearance.  :)  But top-secret,  nope; I don’t have a bff. 

Q: So..

A:  Tomorrow is my first day of Fall school.  It is my last year at UTEP and I also will be doing my internships.  Tbh, I’m not really optimistic about my internships or my schooling.  I just don’t really feel the passion anymore.  Well, I do feel the passion, I do want to help people, but it’s just passion in life in general.  But, thanks to the Army and God (?), I’m just going to continue and finish the race.  I might be walking to the finish line or sprinting, but what matters is I will try to finish it, which is unlike my pre-Army life. 

I have a lot of wants that are unfulfilled and it is making me depressed.  I do try to be more sociable and I am making effort and progress in that domain.  Being sociable has always been a struggle because my natural state, since childhood, is to be alone in front of a computer. 

Q: Can you talk more about your “passions?”

A:  Hope delayed makes the heart sick (Proverbs 13:12).  Dreams not achieved or seemingly impossible gives me sadness and depression.  I do feel a lot of my longings are unattainable.  I kept trying and I try new ways, but still, they are out of reach.  Of course, I’m logical.  I think of steps, of plans, to reach them, but the end result is the same.  Now that I’m writing this, I think I lack the willpower in many of my pursuits, that perhaps had I been more determined, I might have made more progress.

Q: Alright, so you can try to be more determined?

A:  That is not easy.  To be determined requires passion, however, passion ebbs and flows.  It is hard to be determined in seasons of drought.  Another thing I remembered that plagues me is indecision. 

Q: Indecision?  Could you explain?

A: To reach a treasure or goal, one has to plan and have the determination to reach it.  However, I sometimes struggle with something even more basic: whether my supposed treasure or goal is even that. 

I feel it’s kind of ironic because I try to know more about myself.  I write these “discoveries” since 2000.  I’m kind of an intrapersonal person.  And yet, I still don’t know if the treasure or goal is really that. 

Q: What is keeping you from knowing yourself or knowing what your “treasure” is?

A: Good question.  I think a lot of it has to be because I don’t spend a lot of time with myself anymore.  By “time with myself” I mean time where I can really understand and know my true feelings and thoughts.  Much of my alone time is spent on computer games.

Q: So you think computer games is the culprit? 

A:  Although I do spend a lot of my time on other necessary things, yes, computer games sucks away the time I could spend on knowing myself more.  However, even with my gaming habit, I still, daresay, that I spend more time talking to myself than most people. 

Q: What do you talk about?

A: My internal dialogue nowadays has a lot of hopelessness and sadness.  Of anger.  Anger at myself, the world, and God.  I’m also a realist.  I see my goals and I try to make plans for them, however, it is difficult, if not impossible, to make plans that is doable for me.  And other times, I’m so far behind in certain areas that just catching up, never mind getting there, is depressing enough. 

Q: That seems to be handful.  So how are you going to combat this?

A: My only way to combat this is to do the only way I know how.  Best-evidence.  It is to just keep trying and not give up, even if it seems everything is hopeless. 

Q: Why do you think everything is “hopeless”?

A: Because I cannot reach my dreams and goals.  They seem impossible for me.  I struggle with even identifying what should my dreams and goals should be.  Should I try to get a girlfriend or not?  Do I even need a girlfriend, for example?  One thing I am clear on is I want to make money, obviously, so I can survive and help others in this evil world.  And, should I successfully identify my goals, when I start planning them, they seem difficult if not unreachable. 

Q: Why do you think it’s “unreachable”?

A: By unreachable, I mean steps that might not succeed.  Steps that don’t have a guarantee.  Steps that require other prerequisites, which is difficult for me to reach in itself.  They are steps where I could try, even do my best on, and still fail. 

Q: Then the solution would be to break those steps into smaller, doable steps.

A: Heh, good idea.  But, as I said earlier, even those smaller steps might be difficult.  And opportunity too.  I might want to reach a goal, but if I lack the opportunity, opportunity that is independent of me, I cannot do it. 

So, I feel the best plan for me is to continue to improve myself.  To improve my basic skills.  To work on skills that are important in this world.  I try to exercise daily, to be more sociable, to take advantage of opportunities.  For example, if there is a 5k Stephanie Olivo Memorial run advertised by one of my social work students, I can go there.  By the way, I went to that run (on Aug. 23, 2014) and got 1^st place (in my age group).  The medal is kind of meaningless because there are few runners.  Everyone practically earned a medal.  In my age group, 20-29, for example, there are only 2 runners.

That 5k run is memorable because it is my first successful 5k run since 2010, when I was in Kuwait running the Wounded Warrior 5k run.  I did register to run for the Tour de Tolerance in 2012, but I woke up late and by the time I got there, the runners are already finishing.  They wouldn’t let me join.  But, I do get to cheer for them and hike on the holy Mount Cristo Rey trail.  There were a lot of people.

Anyways, as I said, the best plan is just to prepare for opportunities.  To improve my body, soul, and spirit.  However, there is a problem with that approach.

Q: Oh?  What is the problem?

A: Many times, my desires and longings get in the way.  It feels like in order for me to improve myself, I need those things I long for.  It is like a circular tragedy.  Yet, in order for me to get the things I long for, I need to improve myself. 

For example, getting a girlfriend.  In my experience, to get a girlfriend, I need financial stability, education, and the usual personality and character similarities.  Yet, to get financial stability and education, I need a girlfriend.  It’s too difficult to do it alone.  I need the morale.  I need someone to talk to; someone to share my burdens.  It’s similar to a poem I wrote in high school:

I need a girl to talk to me.

I need a girl to set me free.

I need a girl so I can see.

I need a girl to talk to me.

Cause, I need a girl who really loves me.

I need a girl to sleep with me.

I need a girl to play with me.

I need a girl so I can breathe.

-

Ok that was pretty embarrassing, but I feel it illustrates my point.  By the way, just because of writing this, I wrote another entry that has some of my love poems/songs that I wrote in high school.  I am planning to share them someday. 

So, basically, it’s too difficult for me to continue to struggle, to get an education, a degree, a job, money, happiness, etc, without someone to love, without someone to back me up, without someone to continue in my journey with.  But, in order to get a girlfriend, since I tried, I need the very things that I need.  It’s circular, it’s depressing, there’s no way. 

Q: But Steven, you don’t really need a girlfriend.  You can get an education, etc, on your own.  Just be motivated.

A: I think anyone can testify the support that a loving relationship can bring.  Of course, if I have the iron will, I can achieve these things alone, but it is much easier if I have a soulmate to support me. 

Q: Ok Steven, but I think you might be wrong on the expectations of girls.  They don’t just look at the outside, at money, education, or fame.  Having the inner loving qualities matters too.

A: That’s what I thought as well.  But, so far, my experiences prove otherwise.  I’ve seen, in the military, so many gold-diggers (no offense to UTEP :p) that basically only stay with their husbands just for the benefits.  On online matching-making sites, most, if not all, of the women there want a man with the education and income.  I tried to converse with them but they wouldn’t talk to me because I didn’t meet the “qualifications.”  They didn’t even give me a chance. 

However, I understand that not all girls are like that, but in a culture that values the American Dream, many women place at least some weight in these earthly areas.  And as long as there is some influence, the playing field is unbalanced.

There is another reason, probably, why I can’t find a girlfriend.  It is because I am naturally shy and afraid of rejection.  Being alone most of the time, such as in high school, contributes to it too.  But I am making much effort in this area.  While in the Army, I did confess my love to a girl.  But, she flat out rejected me.  I kept trying to send her messages and even guitar songs, but she then blocked me.  Of course I made mistakes, I’m new to the mating game, but it hurts.  Nowadays, all the girls I show interest in already have a boyfriend.  But, I’m still trying.  Then, there are times when I feel being single is better, going back to my lack of clear goals. 

So, all these factors play a role.  There are debates all within me on what to do and many have not been resolved. 

So, being the social worker as I am, I need to continue to know myself more, to make my goals and decisions firm.  Then, to improve myself.  When troubles come when reaching a goal due to lack of “support” (i.e. girlfriend), I guess there’s nothing I can do about that but to just endure and do the best that I can.  I can also continue to seek opportunities, especially when it comes to matchmaking.  I need to take more risks, to try new things.  I need to be able to think clearly when under stress. 

All these things will be difficult for me to do.  Then, I just remembered another thing.

Q: What is that?

I’m getting tired, the time is 11:44pm now and I need to sleep, but to finish this, some people tell me that I also need to be more assertive. 

Q: Isn’t being assertive a good thing?

A: Yes it is, but I also value being myself.  I value being true to myself, to be honest to God, myself, and people.  This is one of the reasons why I wrote these discoveries.  If I feel sad or depressed, I don’t want to fake it to the world.  I don’t want to deceive others or myself.  And part of me is a realist.  If I think something is hopeless or extremely difficult, I will tend to be sad.  Hopelessness may also be part of my childhood, so it may be part of my nature.  Basically, if I feel sad, I will be sad.  If I feel happy, I will be happy.  I don’t want to lie to the world or myself.  I feel it is more important to stick to my principles than to compromise them to gain something.  But, I’m changing, I don’t know anymore.  Maybe I could try a “fake-it-till-you-make-it” approach.  Maybe I should be deceiving, to pretend that everything is good and happy, just so I can get treasures in this world. 

Q: I can see that you are tired.  Maybe we can talk about this later.

A: Sure thing.  I write what I feel anyways.  Good night everyone and thanks for reading.    

2014.1.26: Go Optimism! [Discovery / Bright Ideas]

2014.1.26: Go Optimism!

S: 11:10pm

E: 12:36am

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life….  Ok, I don’t mean to plagiarize.  I have this saying in its entirety pasted on my wall back in my room in Los Angeles.  This phase tells me the importance of a person’s attitude on their life.  How a person thinks, his or her outlook, plays a major part in that person’s life cycle. 

Due to its importance, it is critical for a person to have an optimistic way of thinking and outlook on life.  I want to be with optimistic people and to make optimistic friends.  I want to be with people who see opportunity at night and by day.  I want to be with people who see what is socially constructed as a “lose” or “win” to be a gain, a win, or an opportunity.  I want to be with people who see the glass as half-full first instead of as half-empty. 

Instead of people telling others that they can’t do this or that or being judgmental, I want people who instead ask “Let’s see what we can do.”  And, for goals that seem unreachable, I want them to say “Let’s look at some things we can do to help reach that goal.” 

For example, if someone wants to be like Bill Gates, instead of just dismissing that person’s dreams and aspirations by saying “that’s impossible,” I want people to instead say “OK, let’s see what we can do.”  That person can first learn how to use a computer.  Then, he or she can work on studying and getting a bachelor’s degree in Computer Science.  After that, the person can gain some experience by working for a software company.  After a while, once the person has more experience, he or she can team up or start their business alone.  If that dreamer is persistent, reevaluates his/her progress, and does their best, that person will be able to achieve as close to that person’s dreams as possible.  What I described is just one track or way that person can become like Bill Gates.  Then again, it depends on what that person defines Bill Gates as.  Does he/she want to be a great computer innovator or a rich man/woman?

Robert H. Schuller said that “I’d rather attempt to do something great and fail than to attempt to do nothing and succeed.”  Most successful people, if not all, have an optimistic orientation.  They believe in themselves and in their dreams. 

Being optimistic involves seeing all situations in a positive light.  One of the great Biblical figures who had bad upon bad handed to him is Apostle Paul.  Yet, he states, “When I am weak then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:10b).  He knows that in times of his weakness, of troubles, of tribulations or persecutions, he can more easily seek the One who is all-powerful and that he can learn and grow stronger from these windy experiences. 

In the Army I have soldiers tell me that they would just rather die than be me.  “Your life sucks” they say and they would point out all the obvious flaws and weaknesses that I have or may have.  But then, I thought to myself one day in the military, if I can be someone else, who would I be?  I looked at other soldiers.  They seem strong, knowledgeable about their jobs, and/or have many friends.  But I have one thing many of them don’t have: the ability to be with God.  I have God.  I can talk to God.  I can also talk to myself and problem-solve.  I told myself that if I can talk to God, then I can have anything.  So, I’m happy to be me.  I have the better deal. 

One of the foundations of social work is optimism.  Social workers focus on a client’s strengths and empowers the person or group to be all they can be.  The very fact that people try to help those who need help is a mark of optimism.  Pessimistic people might look at the homeless, or offenders, or in Jesus’ time, tax-collectors and sinners, and say “Oh they are homeless, they are hopeless” or “Oh they are offenders, there is no hope for them.”  But no!  We don’t give up on people because God doesn’t give up on them. 

Parents who are pessimistic can give a negative self-fulfilling prophecy to their children.   Children are naturally optimistic.  They would try new things.  They would draw, climb, taste, and do whatever that is pleasing to them or that is interesting.  However, if the parent tells the child, “Your drawing sucks, don’t draw,” or “You can’t even jump right, don’t bother playing basketball,” the classical “You won’t amount to anything” type of speech, then the child will not reach his or her full potential because he/she doesn’t know what their full potential is.  The child won’t try, won’t experiment what their mountain peaks are.  I feel it is safe for me to say that I am not born in an optimistic family.  One of my caretakers will use negative language to motivate me.  That person will say alternations of “You won’t amount to anything.”  That person will not encourage me to try new things.  That person will say I’m “stupid.”  My list is not exhaustive.  Thus, I am brought up in a negative mindset.  I would tend to see what I can’t do instead of what I can do first.  I would focus unduly on my problems and weaknesses instead of my strengths or what I can do about my problems.  I would get depressed a lot.  I am able to change my mind-set slowly by knowing Someone who is optimistic. 

I feel this world is very pessimistic.  People always look at the bad or assume the worse in people first.  Look at the TV shows, the daily news, or magazines.  People are attracted to negative things.  And then there are those people who are optimistic in making others pessimistic.  These people can be anywhere, in the real world or online.  They just seem to do their best in putting others down.  Those who experienced it will know what I mean.

I feel pessimism may be from Satan or the Evil One.  He will always try to discourage us.  He will always tell us, “No, you can’t do this; No you suck,” or “Why don’t you just die….”  God empowers but Satan disempowers. 

I’m happy to know that my God is an optimistic God.  The Lord is “patient… not wanting anyone to perish” (2 Peter 3:9).  He is optimistic that people will turn back to Him.  He sent his son Jesus to die for us in hopes that we can believe in Him.  "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13).

In writing about optimism, I want to note that optimism does not mean living in the skies all day and ignoring reality.  We do need to be a realist.  I would say our mindset needs to be 80% optimistic, 20% realistic, and 0% pessimistic. 

In this world, there will always be people who are pessimistic, but the only person who can truly be optimistic is yourself.  “And so it is with you… we are in charge of our ATTITUDES” (Charles R. Swindoll).