Heart Like You

3/17/2015: Heart Like You

1:28am – 2:40am

I just want to be what you want me to be

I just want a heart that’s true.

A heart like you.

God extended my life today.  Today, I was not prepared to give my research presentation for class today.  I already lost 10% of my grade by turning one of my assignments late.  To lose another 10% would be unthinkable.  Yet, in class when the professor drew names, I was spared.  My name was not chosen, but, another woman who was also not prepared was not so lucky.

“I’m not prepared,” she said, and the professor simply drew another name. 

She probably just lost 10% of her grade.  I hear other students say they were angry at her.

“She had the whole spring break,” one of my classmates said, “How can she do that?”

I feel so guilty.  We were both not prepared, yet, she bore the cross for me.  I’m thinking about telling her about this, and, if she’s single, ask her on a date. 

Or, at the very least, go to class next Monday and, before my presentation, tell the class, “To be honest, I was not prepared last Monday and, to be fair, I would like to receive half-credit for my presentation.”

If the professor or classmates persist, I would say, “It is not fair that one of my classmates and I did not prepare, and yet, one of us got full credit and the other got a zero.”

If I fail this class, then so be it.  I would rather do what is right, to have honor, than to take advantage of injustice.  Ironically, this class should be one of the easiest of the social work classes.  There are almost no major papers due, just presentations and SOAP notes that I can finish in five minutes.  Thus, due to the scarcity of the assignments, the assignments that the class does have are weighted more.  Just missing one assignment due to negligence can cost a student the class.  Funny thing is that in my other social work practice class, which is much more intensive with short papers, tests, and assessments to do, I am thriving. 

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I went to that class late, in a very depressed mood, knowing that if the professor called my name, I am fucked.  I took out a sheet of paper, pretending to take notes, but all I could think about was this song, and the band.  I scribbled the lyrics of this song on my paper.  It is the only thing that comforts me.  Returning to my room after class, I reevaluated my life. 

I realized that God gives grace to the humble.  I have not been seeking God completely, far from it.  I resolved to myself that from now on, I will be humble, to endure, and to have most of my life for God.  More than half my house of representatives and the senate (51%) needs to be for God and my presidency needs to be for God, I joked. 

My classmates tell me that I’m smart, that I should have no issues with my assignments.  One of my classmates told me I could just wing it.  And wing it I did, for much of my academic year, but I can’t wing it this time.  Not if I didn’t even read the research articles I’ve selected.  Not if I didn’t even print the articles to bring to class.  I can’t wing it this time. 

And maybe I’m not that smart.  If I’m stupid enough to lose focus, to lose motivation, to have great difficulty to even start on my assignments during spring break, to struggle with my internship while having been in the Army, than I am not smart.  If I’m stupid enough to think that I can live my life successfully without spending time with God, then I am not smart.  Or I’m just too weak.

Other classmates tell me that playing computer games is not such a bad thing.  “People are addicted to drugs, to alcohol,” a woman told me, “playing games exercises your brain.  It’s a good thing.”  In a way, she is right.  Playing computer games is not such a bad thing.  It does exercise my brain, but, anything that takes the place of God is foolishness.  People can be addicted to work, to family, to working out.  These in and of itself is not bad but it is the amount of time spent on them that destroys.  Being addicted to God, if I can, ironically, is the true antidote that brings freedom. 

            I feel like I have a second wind.  After this near-death experience, I feel strengthened.  But, in a way, I didn’t waste my spring break.  I spent countless hours, the most actually, on my internship and accomplished a lot.  I think another fault I have is I failed to prioritize.  I do focus on the most important things, but, I wanted perfection, so, I spent so much more time and labor on making things perfect while completely ignoring other important objectives so that by the time I get to these other imperatives, I have no desire to start it.  It is better that I do just the basics, a C work all the way and then come back to it, if I have time, to make it better, than for me to do an A work but then earn F’s for all my other work because I’m exhausted. 

            In a way, why am I writing this?  I’m tired.  And on second thought, concerning telling the professor to give me half-credit, I probably won’t do it.  The selfish Steven probably would become dominant and won’t allow me to do it.  But, I must remember that what happened today reminds me of the parable that other branches were cut off so that I can be grafted in.  I still feel so guilty.

Most Important / The worst Steven

3/4/2015: Most Important / The worst Steven

9:57am – 10:58am

I want to write something now, so people will think I’m a sucky writer.  I want to post my other blog but I don’t want people to get the wrong idea.

The client I had my case with, she knows she has a problem.  She knows she wants to change.  But it is the cravings that threaten to destroy her.  She knows what the dangers of addiction can cause.  I told her that.  We explained together.  It takes time away from other things.  Time is life.

Trying to help her, I am reminded of my own vulnerability.  I also have my cravings.  I’m not sure if I’m addicted to it but I do feel that I really want to play computer games.  Other people tell me oh I like to watch movies or oh I like watch TV shows but I always tell them that playing games is better.  Why?  Because you don’t just use your eyes.  You use your eyes, your hands, your mind, and sometimes, your heart.  And I’m not counting those games that just require manual dexterity.  I hate those games too, well, not really but I relatively suck at them as well.  I’m talking about games that require you to think.  Puzzles that bring a challenge and fun that this world cannot provide. 

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My transitional skills class I taught on Sunday.  It was supposed to be an hour and thirty minutes long.  I only taught for thirty minutes.  It was supposed to be about time management.  I did not talk about time management.  For a class like this, I need hours, probably five hours, to prepare, and even that, not fully.  I only had an hour and a half (depending since I was also making breakfast or lunch and playing games). 

Instead, I lied down on my bed and started thinking.  The self-help articles I read the day before helped me.  If I only have one hour to prepare, what should I do?  I thought about making a time management quiz.  I tried that, but, in the end, it didn’t work because it took too long and I wasted twenty minutes due to the effort.  I thought, if I only have limited time, I’m going to focus on what is most important.  Then, I remembered what my pastor at Ignite taught about time and purpose.  The sermon was so good that I actually took notes on my cellphone (yes, there’s an app for that :) ) and wrote them on my computer afterwards.  She said that if we are in our purpose then we will not waste time.  We will not waste time because we will always be doing what we are meant to do. 

So there I go.  I only have a little time left.  I want to use that time to teach what is most important.  Time management is just the tools.  If a person has no purpose or mission then time management is mostly useless.  I told myself half of time management is about knowing what to do, is about knowing your purpose.

So, I included these questions and points based from the sermon:

1) Seek God: The more you seek God, the more your life will be clear to you.  Air superiority- Spiritual world affects physical world.

2) What is most dominant in your mind?

3) What are you most passionate about?  What is your passion?

4) What do you pursue the most?

5) What releases your compassion?  Whatever releases your compassion is your purpose.

6) What makes you angry?  What releases in you a holy anger?

7) What can you do for free?  Whatever you find fulfilment in doing without getting paid.

I concluded the class with a quote, “The greatest tragedy in life is for you to live your life and not ever ever step into your purpose” and “stop wasting time, you are created with a purpose.”

I asked the class for any questions and comments and one resident raised his hand.  He told me the class today is very religious and there might be other residents that don’t share the same beliefs as me.  I anticipated his question but I still appeared to have trouble answering his question.  And, my eyes hurt.  Well, not hurt but sore and it’s been sore for weeks now probably because I spent too much time on my computer and lack of exercise.  I told him that I understand that other people may share a different religion and I respect that.  But, I said that almost everyone here probably believes in a higher power and that we are created and not here by chance.  The points I am saying is good and even if someone from a different faith hears it, they are likely to agree.  I’m not admonishing or giving them the judgment of God, but rather, the other half.  I’m giving them what people want to hear.  And, regardless of religion or faith, the questions of finding your purpose still has practical applications for everyone.  Lastly, I mentioned that the halfway house is named Dismas Charities and it is founded by a Catholic priest.  On saying that, another resident complained and said if this is Dismas’ mission, then Father Diersen  would be rolling on his grave.  I acknowledged his complaint and added that part of Dismas’ mission is to “heal the human spirit” (http://www.dismas.com/50-years-of-healing-the-human-spirit/) and that we might be doing a good job of it. But, I told him that this facility does have a mission and that is what matters.

Walking out, I felt this is the worse class I have taught.  I told the residents that I really have no experience with the offender population but that I am still trying and will do my best.  Well, do my best given my circumstances will be a better term.  But, I felt encouraged that when I told the class to write those purpose questions down, many of them did write it.  It may be my worse class but I felt I taught what mattered. 

If a person only has a few months to live, I wouldn’t teach that person math or social work.  I would tell that person about God and his grace.  I would focus on what is most important. 

S (first initial only), who is heading a women group after my class, asked me how it went.  I kind of avoided that question and talked about other subjects.  She was the one who “graded” my transitional skills class last week.  Since I came to Dismas early, she tipped me that she will attend my class.  Luckily, I had five hours to prepare for that.  I gave my class and we both agreed that it was great.  But, I should have added more interaction.  I see other interns with their classes and they all seem to mix with them more comfortably and effectively and there was more interaction.  All of them have more experience than me.  One of them was an offender himself and the other was a counselor and headed parenting groups in her workplace.  Not fair.  :(  :)  Funny how I went from my best to my worse class in a week.  Well, it may not be the worse class.  Only God can see and know that.  What matters is that I do my best and trust in Him and not let my cravings get the best of me.

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My grades in social work are inflated.  If this was a nursing program, I would have failed, again.  This week has been a death valley week for many of us, well, or maybe just me.  We have two major assignments due and I could barely do them.  I told C (first initials only) that I made kind of a promise to myself.  I will still do the work, I will still finish the race.  It may not be the best Steven or the good Steven; it may be the worse Steven, the depressed Steven, the sad Steven, but the work will still be Steven’s, it will be Steven-quality.  :p  And due to the stress, I forgot to turn in my SOAP assignment.  I just lost 10% of my grade.  :(  Yes, it hurts a lot to me.  But, I still did it anyways (basically, I wrote a draft in class but I forgot to type it and submit it to blackboard which pisses me off even more).  I asked my professor that even though I won’t get any points for it, or I hope I’m wrong, I still would like the feedback.  Thinking about this ordeal, I reasoned that my grades last semester are overinflated.  I felt I didn’t try as hard as other students but I still got good grades.  Maybe God is just judging me and balancing my grades out.  It still hurts.  I may not get good grades this semester.  But, I will still focus or try to focus on what is most important.