Most Important / The worst Steven

3/4/2015: Most Important / The worst Steven

9:57am – 10:58am

I want to write something now, so people will think I’m a sucky writer.  I want to post my other blog but I don’t want people to get the wrong idea.

The client I had my case with, she knows she has a problem.  She knows she wants to change.  But it is the cravings that threaten to destroy her.  She knows what the dangers of addiction can cause.  I told her that.  We explained together.  It takes time away from other things.  Time is life.

Trying to help her, I am reminded of my own vulnerability.  I also have my cravings.  I’m not sure if I’m addicted to it but I do feel that I really want to play computer games.  Other people tell me oh I like to watch movies or oh I like watch TV shows but I always tell them that playing games is better.  Why?  Because you don’t just use your eyes.  You use your eyes, your hands, your mind, and sometimes, your heart.  And I’m not counting those games that just require manual dexterity.  I hate those games too, well, not really but I relatively suck at them as well.  I’m talking about games that require you to think.  Puzzles that bring a challenge and fun that this world cannot provide. 

-

My transitional skills class I taught on Sunday.  It was supposed to be an hour and thirty minutes long.  I only taught for thirty minutes.  It was supposed to be about time management.  I did not talk about time management.  For a class like this, I need hours, probably five hours, to prepare, and even that, not fully.  I only had an hour and a half (depending since I was also making breakfast or lunch and playing games). 

Instead, I lied down on my bed and started thinking.  The self-help articles I read the day before helped me.  If I only have one hour to prepare, what should I do?  I thought about making a time management quiz.  I tried that, but, in the end, it didn’t work because it took too long and I wasted twenty minutes due to the effort.  I thought, if I only have limited time, I’m going to focus on what is most important.  Then, I remembered what my pastor at Ignite taught about time and purpose.  The sermon was so good that I actually took notes on my cellphone (yes, there’s an app for that :) ) and wrote them on my computer afterwards.  She said that if we are in our purpose then we will not waste time.  We will not waste time because we will always be doing what we are meant to do. 

So there I go.  I only have a little time left.  I want to use that time to teach what is most important.  Time management is just the tools.  If a person has no purpose or mission then time management is mostly useless.  I told myself half of time management is about knowing what to do, is about knowing your purpose.

So, I included these questions and points based from the sermon:

1) Seek God: The more you seek God, the more your life will be clear to you.  Air superiority- Spiritual world affects physical world.

2) What is most dominant in your mind?

3) What are you most passionate about?  What is your passion?

4) What do you pursue the most?

5) What releases your compassion?  Whatever releases your compassion is your purpose.

6) What makes you angry?  What releases in you a holy anger?

7) What can you do for free?  Whatever you find fulfilment in doing without getting paid.

I concluded the class with a quote, “The greatest tragedy in life is for you to live your life and not ever ever step into your purpose” and “stop wasting time, you are created with a purpose.”

I asked the class for any questions and comments and one resident raised his hand.  He told me the class today is very religious and there might be other residents that don’t share the same beliefs as me.  I anticipated his question but I still appeared to have trouble answering his question.  And, my eyes hurt.  Well, not hurt but sore and it’s been sore for weeks now probably because I spent too much time on my computer and lack of exercise.  I told him that I understand that other people may share a different religion and I respect that.  But, I said that almost everyone here probably believes in a higher power and that we are created and not here by chance.  The points I am saying is good and even if someone from a different faith hears it, they are likely to agree.  I’m not admonishing or giving them the judgment of God, but rather, the other half.  I’m giving them what people want to hear.  And, regardless of religion or faith, the questions of finding your purpose still has practical applications for everyone.  Lastly, I mentioned that the halfway house is named Dismas Charities and it is founded by a Catholic priest.  On saying that, another resident complained and said if this is Dismas’ mission, then Father Diersen  would be rolling on his grave.  I acknowledged his complaint and added that part of Dismas’ mission is to “heal the human spirit” (http://www.dismas.com/50-years-of-healing-the-human-spirit/) and that we might be doing a good job of it. But, I told him that this facility does have a mission and that is what matters.

Walking out, I felt this is the worse class I have taught.  I told the residents that I really have no experience with the offender population but that I am still trying and will do my best.  Well, do my best given my circumstances will be a better term.  But, I felt encouraged that when I told the class to write those purpose questions down, many of them did write it.  It may be my worse class but I felt I taught what mattered. 

If a person only has a few months to live, I wouldn’t teach that person math or social work.  I would tell that person about God and his grace.  I would focus on what is most important. 

S (first initial only), who is heading a women group after my class, asked me how it went.  I kind of avoided that question and talked about other subjects.  She was the one who “graded” my transitional skills class last week.  Since I came to Dismas early, she tipped me that she will attend my class.  Luckily, I had five hours to prepare for that.  I gave my class and we both agreed that it was great.  But, I should have added more interaction.  I see other interns with their classes and they all seem to mix with them more comfortably and effectively and there was more interaction.  All of them have more experience than me.  One of them was an offender himself and the other was a counselor and headed parenting groups in her workplace.  Not fair.  :(  :)  Funny how I went from my best to my worse class in a week.  Well, it may not be the worse class.  Only God can see and know that.  What matters is that I do my best and trust in Him and not let my cravings get the best of me.

-

My grades in social work are inflated.  If this was a nursing program, I would have failed, again.  This week has been a death valley week for many of us, well, or maybe just me.  We have two major assignments due and I could barely do them.  I told C (first initials only) that I made kind of a promise to myself.  I will still do the work, I will still finish the race.  It may not be the best Steven or the good Steven; it may be the worse Steven, the depressed Steven, the sad Steven, but the work will still be Steven’s, it will be Steven-quality.  :p  And due to the stress, I forgot to turn in my SOAP assignment.  I just lost 10% of my grade.  :(  Yes, it hurts a lot to me.  But, I still did it anyways (basically, I wrote a draft in class but I forgot to type it and submit it to blackboard which pisses me off even more).  I asked my professor that even though I won’t get any points for it, or I hope I’m wrong, I still would like the feedback.  Thinking about this ordeal, I reasoned that my grades last semester are overinflated.  I felt I didn’t try as hard as other students but I still got good grades.  Maybe God is just judging me and balancing my grades out.  It still hurts.  I may not get good grades this semester.  But, I will still focus or try to focus on what is most important.  

2014.4.10 An open-ended group [Discovery]

2014.4.10 An open-ended group

S: 10:48pm

E: 11:30pm

It has been a long time since I wrote a journal.  Why did I stop writing?  It is partly due to many reasons.  I don’t want to be judged and I don’t want to deal with the attention.  I’m busy with school.  I feel that my journals are just the same over and over again; that there is nothing new under the sun, at least my sun :).  Oh and many of my experiences have been negative and I don’t want to fill my blogs with negativity.  It’s not good for the tone.  :p 

But, I’m still going to write.  Even if it’s going to be a repeat or a spin-off of the past, I’m still going to try to share. 

Part of the reason why I don’t want to write is because people don’t completely understand me and they will prematurely judge me.  Only God fully knows me so I just talk to Him. 

I can say, at least partially, that I am feeling a little bit of compassion fatigue.  I feel stressed out but I do set limits and I let people or organizations know that I do say “no.” 

Many of the things I want to share are too personal or deep.  Too much self-disclosure, way more than two shovelfuls.  :p  But the purpose of this journal, of this discovery, of my story with God, is to share my life. 

I still get hit or hurt, despite the Army, by circumstances outside my control or at least by situations where I do not have full control.  It’s easy to blame the victim.  It’s easy to say that a person failed because s/he is too weak.  What many people don’t see is that the environment plays a huge factor on whether a person can succeed or fail.  Sure, there are a few exceptions.  A person raised in gang-riddled, unsafe, underclass neighborhood can still be doctor, but it will be much easier, in terms of willpower, for a person to become a doctor in a pleasant, Boardwalk neighborhood.  Put the same person in two vastly different neighborhoods and you will almost always get two different outcomes. 

To touch briefly, I applied to two legal assistance centers for my social work internship next year.  Personally, I feel I’m open to anything but if I have to choose, I guess those are my choices. 

I guess in life, it is just to love God and to love people.  I tried other measures but they all failed or I saw that it wouldn’t be as good as love.  Love never fails.  Of course I may fail because I’m not god but I will still do my best to love every day. 

This blog will be an open-ended group.  I may keep repeating myself because I feel it is important to me at that time.  My excuse for saying what I have already said is that I may have new members (that is, readers) in my group.  :p 

And also, the frequency of my journals may be irregular.  I don’t want to feel more stress that I have to write and I prefer to write when I feel like writing, like in the past.  So, this may be my last blog or I’ll have another one coming in five minutes (I highly doubt it).  :)

1/16/2014: Children [Discovery]

1/16/2014: Children

E: 3:10am

I know it is late but I have the desire, the urge to write.  I know I need to fix my sleeping pattern because, if I don’t, I am going to suffer big time once school starts next week.  But, thanks to my awkward sleeping schedule, I have a longing to write.  Maybe not a longing, I’m not sure how strong it is, but strong enough.  One thing I learned as a writer is that the desire, the primacy, to write can come at any time and if the writer chooses to ignore those urges, the writing quality, if the writer still chooses to write about that topic, will suffer.  I don’t know when my next full moon to write will come.  It could be tomorrow, or next month.

Today, I want to write about children.  Anne Frank wrote in her diary that the best remedy for people who are depressed or sad is to be with nature.  I agree that being with nature is good medicine, but, it’s hard for me to be in the outdoors here.  I can’t just go into somebody’s backyard to be alone with nature.  In my life experience, I find that the best remedy for people who are lonely, depressed, hopeless, or sad, is to be with children, is to help them.  Being with children reminds me of how beautiful this world can be.  That in this oftentimes hateful, impersonal, unjust world, being with children is not only a shelter from the sorrows of this world, but it shines a hope that humankind can be this way.

Even though I already brushed my teeth, I am going to eat that $1 chocolate bar I brought from a child at YWCA today.  When buying, I want to promote interaction, so I asked him which kind is best.  He told me he likes almonds.  I told him I like almonds, too, so I brought it.  After I brought it, his brother wanted to be the person to tally the number and type of chocolate bars sold.  However, the other brother also wanted to be the person.  So, they started to argue and fight.  I ended it by first moving them to a relatively quiet area (I am at the tutoring classroom) and then having the boys settle the issue by playing a game of rock-paper-scissors.  They have a unique way of playing that game.  When one of the boys lost, he didn’t fight or argue, because he knows there is fairness involved. 

OK, I’m already done eating that one serving chocolate bar so I’m eating some more chocolate.  I love chocolate but I will eat it, or try to eat it, in moderation.  Some people know their career choices ever since they were young.  I, unfortunately, was not one of them.  When I was in high school, I have a natural talent in computers (probably because I play games way too much), but I have no real desire to go into that field.  I wanted to help people, to make a difference in the world, not slaving in some game company causing more teens to be addicted to computer games.  So, I tried to be a nurse, then a teacher, and then a soldier.  During my education major years, I worked at the children afterschool program.  I remember, back then, that it stuck a chord in my heart.  For me, going to teach or tutor at the center was not work, but play.  I would also get sad or lonely at home but once it’s time for me to tutor, I brighten up. 

I’m still, from other people’s perspective, way too nice though.  I prefer explaining why a child should do things, to develop a child’s moral reasoning, than to just punish the child. 

So, there are two paths for me.  One is to continue my social work career and to become a social worker, helping people solve their problems (in social work, we are taught to use the word “challenges” instead).  I could do any combination of working right after earning my degree or trying to attain my master’s.  The other is to also finish my bachelor’s degree in social work but to join the federal Teach for America program.  This program allows most people with a bachelor’s degree or higher to become teachers after attending an intensive summer training program.  The new teachers are then placed in in-demand or needy areas and are paid as a starting teacher in their school district.  I know that as a social worker, I can also work with children.  However, I did a test job search at usajobs.gov and found most social work jobs to be dealing with the military.  It’s not I don’t want to help the military, it’s I’m not sure if I am capable.  Sure, on paper, it seems I’m more than qualified.  I have almost four years of active duty military service.  I’ve deployed.  But, I feel I am always behind the learning curve in the Army.  My struggles and coping styles are more unique than the typical soldier or most soldiers.  I have not seen actual combat so I don’t really know how a hardcore soldier is feeling.  I can attempt to comfort the soldier, or just “listen”, but I probably would not be able to emphasize with him or her.  Also, since social workers work for the federal government as well, they are responsible to weed out incapable soldiers.  This is when the agency’s mission conflicts with serving the client.  I don’t want to be the person who recommends that a soldier be chaptered out of the Army.  I myself was almost chaptered out or gave up many times due to my weaknesses.  Another historical option was to join the Peace Corps.  That used to be my golden plan.  I can fight for peace.  However, serving the Peace Corps is a volunteer assignment.  I won’t get paid a regular salary.  I can’t do that because I have loans to pay and money to save.  Perhaps once I get older, maybe, I’ll join.  I have also considered become a lawyer.  However, law school is expensive and I probably can’t afford it.  Even if I could get PLUS loans which covers the cost of living and tuition, I may have to work for some corporation or big-firms that pay a lot so I can pay off my debts.  Not only that, I also stutter when I speak.  I enjoy debate, but I’m not sure if being a lawyer is favorable.

So, back to the topic, I am probably going to be a teacher or a social worker that helps children.  Or maybe the homeless population.  Or maybe the prisoner population.  But, most likely children.  Children gives me joy.  It reminds me of a better world.  It allows me to help a vulnerable population.  But most important of all, being with children allows me to see God (Matthew 18:3).  

11/20/2013 [Discovery]

11/20/2013:

S: 11:18pm

E: 1:20pm

Note: This is my first blog on Google Blogger.  I chose to use it to test it out so please be patient with me.  Thanks!

Maybe I should write every day, at least short pieces.  Perhaps writing daily will help me in my life.  Right now, my mind is kind of in jumbo.  I’m thinking so many things and forgetting so many at the same time.  I feel disorganized right now, probably the worse time for me to write.  :(

Maybe one of the best forms of writing is to write uninhibited.  There are exceptions, and maybe a balance to that approach, of course, so wisdom will dictate when to use them.  Maybe I should change the tone to myself.  I feel I can write so much easier.  But, if I write to myself, I’ll be too afraid to post it for everyone to see.  So my tone will still be for others, maybe a compromise of both.  I’m writing so many maybes, maybe that’s because there’s so much exceptions and maybes in life and we need God’s wisdom to sort it out.

One thing that is bothering me quite a bit is my eye.  No, it’s not damaged or anything, so don’t feel sorry for me.  Rather, I feel my eye is getting more tired easily.  I attribute that to spending too much time in front of a computer.  That is one reason why I started my weekly (or I hope it to be) fast.  I haven’t fasted for a long time so the fast yesterday was a very lively experience.  No, I didn’t feel much hunger pains, rather, I feel like an electric sensation going through my arms and an altered state of awareness, a little like feverish, mentally.  I do feel, however, that my body is recovering itself.  All those dead cells being replaced.  My body restoring balance.  Not to mention I save a seventh out of my food budget.  Well, not quite, but more like 6.5.  My one-day fast was actually closer to a 30-hour fast (no, not the famine although that was a good experience).  To adjust to my computer-heavy eyeload, I would take breaks and use deep breathing to rest my eyes.  But I feel my eye is getting worse (not vision-wise, stamina) hence the fast.  I also decided to fast as a time to grow closer to God, to realize that “man does not live on bread alone but on the every word that comes from the mouth of God.” 

I messed up yesterday, I sinned against God, but I know that as Christians, we will never be perfect in this life.  I went to the “Rising Our Voices” event at Sunshine Community Center on Friday with my La Fe Intervarsity Christian Fellowship group (whew, long name) and the youth pastor there said those words.  Christians are not perfect but forgiven but as Christians, we all try to be like the Heavenly Father, who is perfect.  We will finally reach our goal once Christ comes again and gives us new bodies.  And my eye got much better thanks to the fast.  I know, I’m a bit disorganized right now.

I hate it how timeliness is almost everything.  If I’m talking to a person and then I forgot to mention an important word or phrase, then it’s almost always too late to add it back and have the same effect.  I get that a lot when I was in the Army.  I would be so afraid talking to some people that I wasn’t able to express myself.  Or, and I just thought of this, sometimes I would think of something that is cool or ingenious to say in class but I was too afraid or too worried about the consequences that I let the opportunity pass.  Then, in hindsight, I should have said it.  Maybe, for me, if I reach the point of debating to myself whether I should say something or not, I should say it.  My filter is already very layered, like the clinical trials in medicine. 

Goodness, I do have quite a few things to say, and that is because this is the first of my many (hopefully) daily or at least semi-daily discoveries (blog).  So I got the Positive Qualities chart from Hanna’s Herb Shop and it is great!  I love it!  I took a picture of the chart and I’m going to share it on Facebook and my blog very soon.  One of the qualities I am focusing on right now is “high-minded.”  Many times, I find that I’m focusing on low things, my mind sometimes gets in the gutter, ahem.  I want to focus on things that are, according to Philippians 4:8, pure, lovely, admirable, or excellent.  Some of the traits, I’m still evaluating myself so please don’t judge me :) , I already have or have experienced.  Traits such as enduring, frugal, careful, reflective, precious, childlike, among others.  But the mass majority, I lack, and some I never even heard about.  But, it’s okay.  What matters is the journey.  Which brings me to my next point (thank God I remembered).

One thing I learned, and thanks to other people’s contributions, is not to see life as goals.  If I don’t get an A I’m a loser.  If I don’t make this interview then I suck.  If I can’t get into my Social Work program than life has no meaning.  If we see life from a goal or external perspective, we will tend to give up more easily if life doesn’t go our way.  I was reading an article two weeks ago on Wall Street Journal about the reason why the author got this far in business is because he had a “systems” approach as opposed to what I call a goal approach.  Life gave him many setbacks, he made many mistakes, but he still chose to keep going.  What gave him the strength to keep going was in his approach.  He doesn’t place a high emphasis on winning or losing but on effort, on enduring, on not giving up.  I call it the journey approach.  I want to see life and my dreams and strivings as a journey not as a win-or-lose goal.  I didn’t get the job I want.  Not a big deal.  What matters is I’m on my journey.  Storms may come, my feet may get muddy, I may even take steps back or get lost, but as long as I’m on my journey, as long as I’m on my path, that’s what counts.  It’s okay if I can’t become a lawyer and fight for human rights.  It’s okay if I can’t have a high-paying job.  It’s ok.  I just need to keep in the journey or path that God has given me.  Great things will come naturally if I just focus on my journey.

I call my journey the Paladin’s path.  I think it should be the cleric’s path.  If you ever played dungeons-and-dragon’s type games or got really into the Lord of the Rings, you will know what I mean.  Actually, if you just like medieval RPG-type games, you will know what I mean.  When I was in the Army, I wanted to be like a Paladin.  A paladin uses physically as well as spiritual strength to fight against evil.  Back then, it sounds fitting for me.  I was more extroverted, I was around people a lot more.  But now, I feel like being a paladin is no longer a perfect fit.  A paladin is 50% spiritual and 50% physical.  I’m not that physical.  Instead, I’m more like a cleric (75% spiritual/magical and 25% physical or melee).  I prefer to spend more time on God than with people or with this world.  I still want to be with people and lead them gently to Christ, hence the 25% physical, but I feel more comfortable with God.  I’m not as spiritual as a priest, or for non-faith terms, a mage, who is 100% spiritual/magical.  As a cleric, I’m more behind-the-scenes support but I can still fight if I chose to.  Ok, I’m talking in codes but if you like RPG games, you will know what I mean.

Gosh, so many status updates.  No wonder I chose to have a blog instead of writing tons of Facebook updates.  Lol, just kidding.  I started writing a journal since 7^th grade because I want to be more in-tune with myself and because I feel it will hold some significance in the future.

I am also looking for ways to earn more money.  It’s hard.  I tried to find ways in the past but I always reached a roadblock.  Oh you can fill out surveys.  I tried that and more often than not, it’s a gimmick or completely not worth my time.  I have spent half an hour just trying to qualify for a survey only to be rejected.  Wow, how wonderful is that.  I was forced to lie and even then, many times, the agency won’t reward you the survey credit.  It’s a mess.  Second, I can sell stuff.  But I don’t have much stuff to sell.  Well, I do have some, but I don’t know the procedures or how to sell them on eBay.  I’m going to find out.  Third, I can have my own vegetable garden or make stuff!  But the problem is I’m renting my room and there’s not much stuff I can make.  I could learn sewing but is it worth the time to make something that could be sold at Wal-Mart for $5?  I am planning to have a little fruit orchard or a vegetable garden once I own a house.  And I prefer to move to a place where there is plenty of annual rainfall.  Then, I can also install a rainwater collection system.  Ok, I’m getting off-topic.  Bottom line is, there’s not a lot of ways to make money besides working.  Oh and I could invest, but that’s for the long-term.  I want money now. 

Recently, in the past few days, I gained more of an insight in making money off-hand.  I could sell my blood plasma.  El Paso has a plasma center very close to where I live.  I could get, if the prices are still current, about $30 per donation and I can donate twice a week.  That’s $60 a week or, being optimistic, $240 a month.  Pretty good deal.  I do need to learn how to see stuff on eBay.  The part I’m most confused in is when a customer places an order.  What do I do next?  Do I just get a box, write the customer’s mailing address, and ship it from a local post office?  A church family gave me a box of Super Nintendo games and I’m thinking about selling them.  I feel bad about selling those because it has sentimental value.  I also could, ok don’t hate me, sell my sperm at a sperm bank.  When it is time for me to masturbate, I will not use any of their supplementary materials because I don’t want to sin against God.  However, the problem with that is I may not qualify.  In general and to be stereotypical, I need to be White, six-feet tall, and a traceable family history going back to at least four generations.  Well, I could give it a try, but I’m not optimistic. 

I want to end my post about God.  What I really need to do, and what I would ideally want to do if I have the discipline, is just to talk to God.  That is the best use of my (and I daresay our) time.  I do find that everything (good) comes from God.  Being with God gives me peace, direction, purpose, and inspiration, and wisdom.  If I can just spend time with God all the days of my life, then everything will be ok.  It is the life to come that counts.  One of the values I am focusing on, as I wrote earlier, is “high-minded.”  I don’t want to waste my time or focus on things that are worthless, so, I spent my time on productive things.  However, the things I switched to productively doesn’t really focus on God.  I just shifted gear to how to make more money, interesting information that might be useful, and real-world life learning.  The chief of high-minded is in the spirit.  I should also be focusing more time on spiritual things.  That is partly why I feel so disorganized and random.  I need to seek God first and then everything else.

Ok, this is another one of my longest blog/discovery/journal pieces I have written in a while, at 2,085 words and counting.  To end this blog, I want to share a song that gave me motivation.  “They can try to deny what’s inside of me / But there is more, can’t ignore all the things unseen.”  I know that it is God who helped me in my life and without Him, I would die.  The secular world can call this “God” by other names, such as wishful thinking, positive thinking, stress-displacement, empowerment, inner-strength (strange cause I feel I got none), placebo effect, etc, but I know that it is God’s spiritual power that gave the strength and power to live life.  Without God, I would had broken down when times are hard.  Instead, I pray and I felt strength.  It’s hard to explain it.  I know God is real because I’ve experienced Him working in my life.