2014.4.10 An open-ended group [Discovery]

2014.4.10 An open-ended group

S: 10:48pm

E: 11:30pm

It has been a long time since I wrote a journal.  Why did I stop writing?  It is partly due to many reasons.  I don’t want to be judged and I don’t want to deal with the attention.  I’m busy with school.  I feel that my journals are just the same over and over again; that there is nothing new under the sun, at least my sun :).  Oh and many of my experiences have been negative and I don’t want to fill my blogs with negativity.  It’s not good for the tone.  :p 

But, I’m still going to write.  Even if it’s going to be a repeat or a spin-off of the past, I’m still going to try to share. 

Part of the reason why I don’t want to write is because people don’t completely understand me and they will prematurely judge me.  Only God fully knows me so I just talk to Him. 

I can say, at least partially, that I am feeling a little bit of compassion fatigue.  I feel stressed out but I do set limits and I let people or organizations know that I do say “no.” 

Many of the things I want to share are too personal or deep.  Too much self-disclosure, way more than two shovelfuls.  :p  But the purpose of this journal, of this discovery, of my story with God, is to share my life. 

I still get hit or hurt, despite the Army, by circumstances outside my control or at least by situations where I do not have full control.  It’s easy to blame the victim.  It’s easy to say that a person failed because s/he is too weak.  What many people don’t see is that the environment plays a huge factor on whether a person can succeed or fail.  Sure, there are a few exceptions.  A person raised in gang-riddled, unsafe, underclass neighborhood can still be doctor, but it will be much easier, in terms of willpower, for a person to become a doctor in a pleasant, Boardwalk neighborhood.  Put the same person in two vastly different neighborhoods and you will almost always get two different outcomes. 

To touch briefly, I applied to two legal assistance centers for my social work internship next year.  Personally, I feel I’m open to anything but if I have to choose, I guess those are my choices. 

I guess in life, it is just to love God and to love people.  I tried other measures but they all failed or I saw that it wouldn’t be as good as love.  Love never fails.  Of course I may fail because I’m not god but I will still do my best to love every day. 

This blog will be an open-ended group.  I may keep repeating myself because I feel it is important to me at that time.  My excuse for saying what I have already said is that I may have new members (that is, readers) in my group.  :p 

And also, the frequency of my journals may be irregular.  I don’t want to feel more stress that I have to write and I prefer to write when I feel like writing, like in the past.  So, this may be my last blog or I’ll have another one coming in five minutes (I highly doubt it).  :)