2014.5.11
S: 12:09am
E: 12:57am
I’m feeling restless right now so I cannot sleep. I’ve decided to write on my discovery. I would like to write my discovery but a lot
things get in the way. Among them is
games. I really do feel games, mass
media, TV, movies, all these things take away the potential in our lives. It’s easy to indulge, to have excess, in
them.
Two weeks ago, I had a SASW (Student Association of Social
Workers) meeting. I remember afterwards,
I was fixed on going home. I recently
changed my diet to one meal a day for health reasons and I want to strictly
adhere to it. On the way down, I thought
about attending the Intervarsity Christian Fellowship but decided not to. That is until J came out and saw me. He told me join but I told him my plans. Then he said something memorable. He said something along the lines of “Jesus is the bread of life. What’s better than having spiritual
bread? Forget about eating.” His words changed my mind. I went there and had a good time. Towards the end, we decided to go eat at
Chipotle and Wingstop. I had a struggle
there too. Part of me wants to go to
hang out with them, yet, another part of me doesn’t want to go for financial
reasons. I waited until the very end
before I decided to go. I’m glad I
went. I was about to socialize and talk
to my brothers and sisters.
By reading this, some people may think I no longer love
God. That is incorrect. I still love God. He is the reason why I’m still alive. However, I spent most of my time with God
alone. I prefer it. Well, part of me prefers group. It’s hard to tell.
I’m facing a lot of struggles, a lot of insecurities, a lot
of worries. I don’t think I can make
it. If I can’t see myself succeeding, if
I can’t see myself winning, then I will probably lose. That is partly from like experience. Of course with God, everything is possible,
but. But it’s hard for me to spend time
with Him, even if I want to, even if my spirit wants to. I just end up doing other things like playing
games. Although, I have to say, it is
better than before. I am able to get a
lot of things done, but I still spend a lot of time on computer games. I might have Internet Gaming Disorder as
listed in the DSM-V. Before the Army, it
was severe, now, it’s probably mild or moderate. I really hope it’s just mild. I actually hope I can be cured. I would play games for a stretch and then
feel guilty about wasting time. This
causes me to have a time of productivity.
Then I may play games again and feel guilty again.
I find my best time to worship, to talk to God, or to myself
and this write this discovery, is at night.
There is something special in the end, in darkness, at night. I kind of wish my room can be pitch black at
will so I can spend time with God.
I love singing, I would sing at night. It helps me drive away my loneliness. I wish I was back in the Camp Arifjan in
Kuwait. Not the work, but the
amenities. Everything is local and safe
there. I remember walking or jogging at
the half-mile track at night listening, singing, and praying to God. I miss those times. Now, I can’t just go out into the streets
singing or praying. It would be
unsafe. And when I do pray or sing
aloud, I just whisper it with my earplugs on.
That way, soldiers would think I’m just singing along with my music when
in reality, I’m praying to God.
Ask God for help
and ask God to send angels and ask God to change the evil into good (transfer).
I’m just going to write anything. Anything goes. :)
Sometimes, I can’t sleep at night because I’m restless. I’m restless because I feel I’m not done with
my day yet. I feel a longing
unfulfilled. I’m happy that I can always
just talk to God and myself. That
alleviates the pain a lot. If I can’t
talk to God, I would go crazy.
That brings the question, why not I be more sociable. The fact is, I think I am. I make active steps to be with people. I join organizations on campus, run for
leadership, and make sure my days are scheduled around people. But, there are times when, I don’t know, I
want to be alone. Sometimes I feel I
want to be alone and not alone at the same time.
When I talk on the phone about my life, some people tell me
that I’m always negative, that they can see something is “not right.” Like a horror movie, I would inquire and that
person would say “I’m not saying something is wrong….” I think the reason why I’m so negative when
expressing myself openly is because life to me is so negative. I try but life is still negative. I try, with God, and life gets better,
however, I cannot be with God all the time.
My heart and my flesh fails. I am
a realist. I see my troubles, worries,
and future and I don’t know if I’m going to make it. Why should I try so hard on something and
fail in the end? That’s why many times I
just seek God, talk to God.
I don’t want to publish my blogs because people may treat me
differently. I’m still the same person
as they see, I just have a different way of seeing things, but, all in all, I’m
still normal to them.
What do I really want?
I want God but, again, what do I really want? I think it’s ironic that I write so much and
talk so much to myself but I still don’t know myself very well. Well, I do know myself, I just, am indecisive. Actually, there are times when I don’t know
myself despite my efforts.
Jesus keep me near the
cross,
There a precious
fountain,
Free to all the
healing stream,
Flows from Calvary’s
fountain.
There are times in my life, thanks to God, that songs just
come up to me. I would hum, sometimes
sing, or listen to them on my computer. I
have dreams but, at least at this time, I’m too weak to accomplish them. I still try though, I still sing.
I feel, there are times, like this, that I can talk to
myself and to God forever. Just as some
people can sleep forever, just kidding, I like to sleep too. :) I
feel if I can talk to myself enough, with God of course, I can resolve any
personal or any problem. Knowing that
God is in control and that everything will be okay in the end calms me. Should I move out of the United States so I
can be safer from the end times? Well, I
already have eternal life. I should not
try to save my life but to lose it for Him.
I could add references (Bible book, chapter and verse) but I’m too
lazy. I understand and a Christian who
understands the Bible should also understand it.
One thing that is kind of funny that I remembered is my 1-month Bible reading plan. I made that plan, I recall writing it in my blog years ago, because someone said the world might end in 2011. So, to prepare myself, I created a 1-month Bible reading plan using Excel that covers the whole book. I divided up into different categories such as “history, law of Moses, the Gospel, Prophecy, etc.” In the beginning, I made good progress, but I got further and further behind. That plan I made was unrealistic. I mean, it could be realistic, if I treat it like my finals and study 24/7. That 1-month plan became a half-year plan which became a 1-year plan. I remember I was so happy when I reached the half-way point. I am still on that plan! But, I am almost done. I’m almost done reading the Bible. I read it about in the Book of Revelations, You read it too…. I have about 15 to 20% left. Yay! Reading the Bible, the bread, is essential for every Christian and I try to read it every day.
I don’t want to judge people because God will be judge. I don’t want to say that they are wrong,
well, if my conscience, which is from God, tells me that they are wrong, then
maybe I should tell them, prudently and with love. If I know, through wisdom/discernment, that
they will take offence or it harms the future, then I won’t. The prudent man keeps silent because the
times are evil (Amos 5:13). I don’t want
to get revenge because it is the Lord who avenges. I take revenge by crying out to God
concerning the injustice.
Ok, I need to go to sleep now. Today is already Mother’s Day and I have
church tomorrow. It is 12:53am now so I
probably would be late. Sigh. Whether late or not, I try to attend for
God. I know punctuality is important to
some people but God sees the heart. I
already have my defenses. :p But no, my defenses comes from God.
I am planning to publish and return back to public life, but
I need reserves first.
God loves you. No, to
say that might be offensive to some people.
Fine, I love you. But no again,
what if I’m lying? Fine, I will try to
love you. Why? Because my God is the God who tries. :)
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