2015.8.2

2015.8.2

There is a lot of similarity between an evangelist and an insurance sales agent.  One sells the near-future while the other offers the eternal future.  In both professions, I have to talk to people; I have to offer them a product that is better than what they have now. 

I just finished design my business card.  On the front is the usual information: name, address, business logo, etc, but on the other, is a comparison of the change and the status quo (401k, banks, other investment products, I’m not showing the chart b/c I’m not here to advertise).

People don’t like change, they tend to resist it, but in both cases, I have to try; I have to at least plant the seed.  However, one is easier than the other. 

People would want to buy life index fund insurances but they may not want to accept Jesus into their hearts.  The latter carries more responsibilities and consequences. 

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Ok, the following may or may not be censored.  It’s harder for me to write if I have to watch and censor my words and thoughts.  I feel inhibited and people can’t be at their best if they are inhibited.

Today, Pastor Patty preached to us about the importance of having a relationship with God.  She mentions that many life problems such as doubt is caused by a weak relationship with God.  We doubt because we do not trust God and doubt leads to fear and confusion.  No wonder I am so confused with my life.  The only thing I am not confused is the importance of seeking God but even in doing that, I am struggling.  But, I find that the times when I do seek God and spend time with him, I feel peace, and I feel in control of my life.  In a way, it’s ironic.  By seeking God, I gain direction on what to do in the world. 

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Wow, I can’t think right now.  In a way, I’m happy that I got some work done, but in another way, I could have done better.  Even today, I played hours of computer games.  The three areas that are competing each other in my life are God, games, and girls.  Haha.  But, as Helen said, there could only be one: God.  The reason why I’m in the mess I am in now (lack of direction) is because I failed to spend time with God.  I feel I have great potential with Him and I do want to seek Him.  But other things in the world are more alluring.  They are more fun.  They are more exciting, or so it seems, than God. 

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As I said regularly, I feel like killing myself.  I feel like ending my life.  It may seem unthinkable or shocking to some people, but, in a way and as I grow in God, I learn the value of life.  I see life as something to be taken lightly because God is in control and He will be the judge.  The Bible says whoever saves his life will lose it.  Many people who do not know God value their lives because it is the only thing they have.  They are selfish, they refuse to die to themselves, or to sacrifice to help others.  But I know that the value of life depends on the quality of it.  Job said that it is better to be a stillborn child than to live a life of suffering.  If my life feeds and weakens other people, then it is better for me not to live.  It is an act of resistance against poverty and lack.  I don’t want to be homeless and suffer for the rest of my life.  I would rather die.  Or if I do live, then I’ll live for God, but only God.  But many times, actually most of the time, I fail to live for God.  So then, what is the point of my life?  What is my life without God?

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I find that the best way to talk and interact and act around other people is just to let go.  To let go of myself and my agendas and to let them think and act.  To be humble and only say what is needed, for with many words comes strife and sin is not absent.  By avoiding many words, I am also confusing the devil and those who are evil.  They do not know as much as if I would speak more frequently.  Speak just enough and act humbly.  Speak when you can change and with fewer words, you can influence the outcome.  Gold for silence but silver for words.

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Going back to the life debate again, because I know it is very controversial, people should have the right to die.  It should be a right, and an act of freedom.  This can bring equality to the classes.  The rich don’t want the poor to die but they want the poor to suffer.  Why suffer if one can have rest, if one can have peace?  However, should someone choose to die, that person should have a few commitments as possible.  Why did I choose not to die while in the Army?  Because I promised to serve my country and I will be letting my unit down.  So I decided to wait until I’m done.  And I’m single.  If I have a family, with a wife and kids, doing this may be unethical since it will hurt them and probably cause them to die, too.  As few commitments as possible.  Sure, it will “hurt” some people because they do not understand what life is.  If people know that this life is but a phase, is but a prelude, and that eternal life is much more important, then people wouldn’t carry so much meaning in this physical life. 

This world is not my home,

This life is not my own,

But whoever owns me controls me.

They can make me happy or sad

Glad or mad.

No, that is only part of it.  I can change my attitude by changing the way I think.  So it works both ways.  If life is too difficult and there is no way out, seek God.  If you can’t seek God, keep seeking God until you reach your end.  For me, my end is when I have less than $500 in my bank account.  I don’t want to be living on the streets; I don’t want to be homeless.  I don’t want to be harassed and attacked and shamed by people.  I don’t want to be judged by men but by God.  Better death with peace than life with war. 

Jesus loving Jesus,

Sweetest name I know

Fills my every longing

Keeps me singing as I go.

2014.5.11 [Discovery]

2014.5.11

S: 12:09am

E: 12:57am

I’m feeling restless right now so I cannot sleep.  I’ve decided to write on my discovery.  I would like to write my discovery but a lot things get in the way.  Among them is games.  I really do feel games, mass media, TV, movies, all these things take away the potential in our lives.  It’s easy to indulge, to have excess, in them. 

Two weeks ago, I had a SASW (Student Association of Social Workers) meeting.  I remember afterwards, I was fixed on going home.  I recently changed my diet to one meal a day for health reasons and I want to strictly adhere to it.  On the way down, I thought about attending the Intervarsity Christian Fellowship but decided not to.  That is until J came out and saw me.  He told me join but I told him my plans.  Then he said something memorable.  He said something along the lines of  “Jesus is the bread of life.  What’s better than having spiritual bread?  Forget about eating.”  His words changed my mind.  I went there and had a good time.  Towards the end, we decided to go eat at Chipotle and Wingstop.  I had a struggle there too.  Part of me wants to go to hang out with them, yet, another part of me doesn’t want to go for financial reasons.  I waited until the very end before I decided to go.  I’m glad I went.  I was about to socialize and talk to my brothers and sisters.

By reading this, some people may think I no longer love God.  That is incorrect.  I still love God.  He is the reason why I’m still alive.  However, I spent most of my time with God alone.  I prefer it.  Well, part of me prefers group.  It’s hard to tell.

I’m facing a lot of struggles, a lot of insecurities, a lot of worries.  I don’t think I can make it.  If I can’t see myself succeeding, if I can’t see myself winning, then I will probably lose.  That is partly from like experience.  Of course with God, everything is possible, but.  But it’s hard for me to spend time with Him, even if I want to, even if my spirit wants to.  I just end up doing other things like playing games.  Although, I have to say, it is better than before.  I am able to get a lot of things done, but I still spend a lot of time on computer games.  I might have Internet Gaming Disorder as listed in the DSM-V.  Before the Army, it was severe, now, it’s probably mild or moderate.  I really hope it’s just mild.  I actually hope I can be cured.  I would play games for a stretch and then feel guilty about wasting time.  This causes me to have a time of productivity.  Then I may play games again and feel guilty again. 

I find my best time to worship, to talk to God, or to myself and this write this discovery, is at night.  There is something special in the end, in darkness, at night.  I kind of wish my room can be pitch black at will so I can spend time with God.

I love singing, I would sing at night.  It helps me drive away my loneliness.  I wish I was back in the Camp Arifjan in Kuwait.  Not the work, but the amenities.  Everything is local and safe there.  I remember walking or jogging at the half-mile track at night listening, singing, and praying to God.  I miss those times.  Now, I can’t just go out into the streets singing or praying.  It would be unsafe.  And when I do pray or sing aloud, I just whisper it with my earplugs on.  That way, soldiers would think I’m just singing along with my music when in reality, I’m praying to God.

   Ask God for help and ask God to send angels and ask God to change the evil into good (transfer).

I’m just going to write anything.  Anything goes.  :)  Sometimes, I can’t sleep at night because I’m restless.  I’m restless because I feel I’m not done with my day yet.  I feel a longing unfulfilled.  I’m happy that I can always just talk to God and myself.  That alleviates the pain a lot.  If I can’t talk to God, I would go crazy. 

That brings the question, why not I be more sociable.  The fact is, I think I am.  I make active steps to be with people.  I join organizations on campus, run for leadership, and make sure my days are scheduled around people.  But, there are times when, I don’t know, I want to be alone.  Sometimes I feel I want to be alone and not alone at the same time. 

When I talk on the phone about my life, some people tell me that I’m always negative, that they can see something is “not right.”  Like a horror movie, I would inquire and that person would say “I’m not saying something is wrong….”  I think the reason why I’m so negative when expressing myself openly is because life to me is so negative.  I try but life is still negative.  I try, with God, and life gets better, however, I cannot be with God all the time.  My heart and my flesh fails.  I am a realist.  I see my troubles, worries, and future and I don’t know if I’m going to make it.  Why should I try so hard on something and fail in the end?  That’s why many times I just seek God, talk to God. 

I don’t want to publish my blogs because people may treat me differently.  I’m still the same person as they see, I just have a different way of seeing things, but, all in all, I’m still normal to them. 

What do I really want?  I want God but, again, what do I really want?  I think it’s ironic that I write so much and talk so much to myself but I still don’t know myself very well.  Well, I do know myself, I just, am indecisive.  Actually, there are times when I don’t know myself despite my efforts. 

Jesus keep me near the cross,

There a precious fountain,

Free to all the healing stream,

Flows from Calvary’s fountain.

There are times in my life, thanks to God, that songs just come up to me.  I would hum, sometimes sing, or listen to them on my computer.  I have dreams but, at least at this time, I’m too weak to accomplish them.  I still try though, I still sing. 

I feel, there are times, like this, that I can talk to myself and to God forever.  Just as some people can sleep forever, just kidding, I like to sleep too.  :)  I feel if I can talk to myself enough, with God of course, I can resolve any personal or any problem.  Knowing that God is in control and that everything will be okay in the end calms me.  Should I move out of the United States so I can be safer from the end times?  Well, I already have eternal life.  I should not try to save my life but to lose it for Him.  I could add references (Bible book, chapter and verse) but I’m too lazy.  I understand and a Christian who understands the Bible should also understand it.

One thing that is kind of funny that I remembered is my 1-month Bible reading plan.  I made that plan, I recall writing it in my blog years ago, because someone said the world might end in 2011.  So, to prepare myself, I created a 1-month Bible reading plan using Excel that covers the whole book.  I divided up into different categories such as “history, law of Moses, the Gospel, Prophecy, etc.”  In the beginning, I made good progress, but I got further and further behind.  That plan I made was unrealistic.  I mean, it could be realistic, if I treat it like my finals and study 24/7.   That 1-month plan became a half-year plan which became a 1-year plan.  I remember I was so happy when I reached the half-way point.  I am still on that plan!  But, I am almost done.  I’m almost done reading the Bible.  I read it about in the Book of Revelations, You read it too….  I have about 15 to 20% left.  Yay!  Reading the Bible, the bread, is essential for every Christian and I try to read it every day. 

I don’t want to judge people because God will be judge.  I don’t want to say that they are wrong, well, if my conscience, which is from God, tells me that they are wrong, then maybe I should tell them, prudently and with love.  If I know, through wisdom/discernment, that they will take offence or it harms the future, then I won’t.  The prudent man keeps silent because the times are evil (Amos 5:13).  I don’t want to get revenge because it is the Lord who avenges.  I take revenge by crying out to God concerning the injustice. 

Ok, I need to go to sleep now.  Today is already Mother’s Day and I have church tomorrow.  It is 12:53am now so I probably would be late.  Sigh.  Whether late or not, I try to attend for God.  I know punctuality is important to some people but God sees the heart.  I already have my defenses.  :p  But no, my defenses comes from God. 

I am planning to publish and return back to public life, but I need reserves first. 

God loves you.  No, to say that might be offensive to some people.  Fine, I love you.  But no again, what if I’m lying?  Fine, I will try to love you.  Why?  Because my God is the God who tries.  :)