8/14/2015 - A Day to Change a Year

8/14/2015 - A Day to Change a Year

11:13pm – 11:55pm

It’s late now but I feel like I need to write.  At least for a bit.

It is said that what one does on his or her birthday can determine how that person will do for the rest of that year.  A birthday, in my opinion, is a very special and important day.  It’s a “me” day and because it is so important to many people, God values that day all the more.

In another respect, my birthday is just like any other day.  Job even wished that his birthday be cursed because of the suffering he had endured.  When life is bitter and cruel, birthdays tend not to be a time of celebration, instead, it serves as an ugly reminder of trying to survive.

I value my birthdays but I remember my past birthdays were not as good.  There were birthdays when I just hung around my room and play computer games.  There were birthdays when I sinned.  And I remember those years are not very good.

But this birthday is a change, is a revival.  I started my day at 4:30am trying to get up to go to intercession.  Why is intercession so early?  The leaders say it is to kill the flesh.  Evangelism still scares me so I thought the least I can do is to pray.  I love praying.  I’m afraid of evangelism because I’m afraid I have no power or my declarations won’t come true.  But that shouldn’t be an issue.  God will provide.  He provided for me and still provides and loves me now.  The lack of power is actually caused by a lack of relationship with God, something Pastor Patty preached about.

Then, at around 7:15am I went to eat breakfast with some intercession members.  We talked until around 10am?  It was a great relationship-building time.

Then, I went to the commissary and the PX at Fort Bliss to buy needed supplies and healthy food.  I love shopping at the PX and the commissary because most everything is cheaper there and tax-free. 

Then, I went to Ignite to help with the Powerpoint.  I’m so happy that I can help.  Today’s service was different from before.  We had to make announcement videos but by the supernatural grace of God, we are able to accomplish it.  I post the Ignite invite events on Craigslist and Backpage and I remembered downloading a bunch of event pictures from their facebook page.  I used those pictures for today.  Amen. 

So, today, my capital day, is a good day.  I did not play any computer games and I did not do any bad things.  I find that talking to myself with God helped a lot. 

Still, I really wish one good day can make up for a thousand bad days.  Xuan Nguyen wrote that 30 days can change a person’s life because if a person does something for 30 days, it will become a habit for the rest of that person’s life.  I have been exercising and eating right.  If I can do it for 25 more days, then I have it for the rest of my life, or at least it’s much easier.  New Year Resolutions shouldn’t be so hard.  :)  One day, thirty days, my birthday.  I really wish one day can change my life.

2015.8.2

2015.8.2

There is a lot of similarity between an evangelist and an insurance sales agent.  One sells the near-future while the other offers the eternal future.  In both professions, I have to talk to people; I have to offer them a product that is better than what they have now. 

I just finished design my business card.  On the front is the usual information: name, address, business logo, etc, but on the other, is a comparison of the change and the status quo (401k, banks, other investment products, I’m not showing the chart b/c I’m not here to advertise).

People don’t like change, they tend to resist it, but in both cases, I have to try; I have to at least plant the seed.  However, one is easier than the other. 

People would want to buy life index fund insurances but they may not want to accept Jesus into their hearts.  The latter carries more responsibilities and consequences. 

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Ok, the following may or may not be censored.  It’s harder for me to write if I have to watch and censor my words and thoughts.  I feel inhibited and people can’t be at their best if they are inhibited.

Today, Pastor Patty preached to us about the importance of having a relationship with God.  She mentions that many life problems such as doubt is caused by a weak relationship with God.  We doubt because we do not trust God and doubt leads to fear and confusion.  No wonder I am so confused with my life.  The only thing I am not confused is the importance of seeking God but even in doing that, I am struggling.  But, I find that the times when I do seek God and spend time with him, I feel peace, and I feel in control of my life.  In a way, it’s ironic.  By seeking God, I gain direction on what to do in the world. 

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Wow, I can’t think right now.  In a way, I’m happy that I got some work done, but in another way, I could have done better.  Even today, I played hours of computer games.  The three areas that are competing each other in my life are God, games, and girls.  Haha.  But, as Helen said, there could only be one: God.  The reason why I’m in the mess I am in now (lack of direction) is because I failed to spend time with God.  I feel I have great potential with Him and I do want to seek Him.  But other things in the world are more alluring.  They are more fun.  They are more exciting, or so it seems, than God. 

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As I said regularly, I feel like killing myself.  I feel like ending my life.  It may seem unthinkable or shocking to some people, but, in a way and as I grow in God, I learn the value of life.  I see life as something to be taken lightly because God is in control and He will be the judge.  The Bible says whoever saves his life will lose it.  Many people who do not know God value their lives because it is the only thing they have.  They are selfish, they refuse to die to themselves, or to sacrifice to help others.  But I know that the value of life depends on the quality of it.  Job said that it is better to be a stillborn child than to live a life of suffering.  If my life feeds and weakens other people, then it is better for me not to live.  It is an act of resistance against poverty and lack.  I don’t want to be homeless and suffer for the rest of my life.  I would rather die.  Or if I do live, then I’ll live for God, but only God.  But many times, actually most of the time, I fail to live for God.  So then, what is the point of my life?  What is my life without God?

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I find that the best way to talk and interact and act around other people is just to let go.  To let go of myself and my agendas and to let them think and act.  To be humble and only say what is needed, for with many words comes strife and sin is not absent.  By avoiding many words, I am also confusing the devil and those who are evil.  They do not know as much as if I would speak more frequently.  Speak just enough and act humbly.  Speak when you can change and with fewer words, you can influence the outcome.  Gold for silence but silver for words.

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Going back to the life debate again, because I know it is very controversial, people should have the right to die.  It should be a right, and an act of freedom.  This can bring equality to the classes.  The rich don’t want the poor to die but they want the poor to suffer.  Why suffer if one can have rest, if one can have peace?  However, should someone choose to die, that person should have a few commitments as possible.  Why did I choose not to die while in the Army?  Because I promised to serve my country and I will be letting my unit down.  So I decided to wait until I’m done.  And I’m single.  If I have a family, with a wife and kids, doing this may be unethical since it will hurt them and probably cause them to die, too.  As few commitments as possible.  Sure, it will “hurt” some people because they do not understand what life is.  If people know that this life is but a phase, is but a prelude, and that eternal life is much more important, then people wouldn’t carry so much meaning in this physical life. 

This world is not my home,

This life is not my own,

But whoever owns me controls me.

They can make me happy or sad

Glad or mad.

No, that is only part of it.  I can change my attitude by changing the way I think.  So it works both ways.  If life is too difficult and there is no way out, seek God.  If you can’t seek God, keep seeking God until you reach your end.  For me, my end is when I have less than $500 in my bank account.  I don’t want to be living on the streets; I don’t want to be homeless.  I don’t want to be harassed and attacked and shamed by people.  I don’t want to be judged by men but by God.  Better death with peace than life with war. 

Jesus loving Jesus,

Sweetest name I know

Fills my every longing

Keeps me singing as I go.