The most important thing in my life, or at least I try to make it to be, is God. This is a blog about my reflections, thoughts, happenings, thinking, and my story with God.
See my older blogs at http://stevenlovesjesus.wordpress.com/
I thought about skipping today’s entry but decided against
it. The worse, for now, in this blog is
every-other-day. It is almost midnight
and I need to sleep so I will make this short.
I sin, I sin every day, but I’m not going to write about
that. I think everyone sins at least
once a day, unless the person makes a super-conscious effort not to.
Yesterday, I went to the UTEP Centennial speech by famed
Ricardo C. Ainslie about “Lessons from Juárez and the Future of Mexico’s Drug
War.” He first describes the history of
the war, mistakes made, and some possible solutions. I attended this seminar as an extra credit
assignment. I am also required to write
a paper. Since I’m too lazy to rewrite
what happened, I’m going to copy-and-paste the 1-page summary that I wrote:
Distinguished speaker and psychologist Ricardo C.
Ainslie spoke at UTEP about the history of Mexico’s Drug War, using the city of
Juárez as an example, his analysis of the government’s response, and possible
solutions to ending the violence.
This paragraph
will cover a brief history of Mexico’s Drug War. In December 2006, parts of Mexico were under
control of the cartels. The Mexican
state decided to fight back. However,
there are problems with this strategy.
The Mexican Federal Police (PJF) numbered only 7k-8k at the start of
Calderón´s administration. The municipal
and state police forces were thoroughly corrupted. The Mexican Army (240,000) was not trained
for police work. And, the judicial
system is dysfunctional. From year 2007
to 2012, 11,182 people have been killed in Juárez. The average victim male and 15-25 years of
age. Many people and their families died
because they can’t come up with extortion money. The federal government’s response to send the
Army further compounded the situation with accidental killings and roadblocks
which made life hard for the average citizen.
Ainslie suggests
that there should be more programs like “Todos Somos Juarez” that offers a
comprehensive plan of increasing police budget, offering quality education,
universal health care, drug addiction programs, and public spaces that has been
demonstrated to reduce the violence in Juarez.
He also stresses that the primary objective of the War on Drugs should
not be to stop drug trafficking but to have the Mexican citizens live in
peace.
-
It’s very sad that these things happen. Drugs are not the main problem. It is just a symptom of a greater
problem. The main problem, I feel, and
there are many fronts to this issue, is the lack of love in this world. If people were to love God and to love their
fellow man more, the drug problem, like my gaming problem, will be
lessened. People would think twice about
committing such horrific acts because they would still have a conscience.
As a future social worker, I can see multiple issues in this
war. Poverty and lack of economic opportunities
is a big issue. When times are hard,
some people turn to crime and illegal ways to survive. They seek membership into the cartels to make
a living. Government corruption is
another factor. If more people in the
government were to put serving and protecting the people above themselves, the
tide would turn more against the cartels.
I’m not saying everyone in the Mexican government is corrupt; there are
many good people in the government who is trying earnestly to help. Every country has people who are corrupt and,
by corrupt, I mean people who place themselves above the good of society. I remember one of my soldiers had corrupt
drill sergeants when he was in basic training.
The drill sergeants would actually sell passes to soldiers so they can
take cigarette breaks, get more sleep, eat donuts, and even sex (he said the DS
were selling the lunch ladies). I have
to be honest. Basic training was really
hard and if my drill sergeants were to sell sleep time, I could sleep
forever.
I could write more but I too need sleep, so I’m going to
sleep. When I’m trying to sleep, I also
enjoy imagining things. A common theme I
would imagine would be fighting. I would
recreate myself as a fighter (if I’m lucky paladin) in a fantasy land. I would try to fight against evil but because
of my sins, I would make mistakes and sometimes I would have to beg for
mercy. I would sometimes imagine myself
as a ranger, using both the bow (and crossbow) and sword. In that character, I prefer ranged combat and
to hit-and-run because I’m disadvantaged at melee. In spiritual terms, ranged combat is like
prayer while melee is like talking or dealing with people. My strategy, since I dress lightly, is to
outrun my opponents and then shoot arrows again. Other times, I try to imagine that I am in
the Temple of God praying but it’s hard to imagine that.
Ok, I think you get the idea. I also dream a lot which is good. Good night.
10/21/2013: The Real Positive Qualities Chart / Guitar
S: 9:47pm
E: 10:53pm
Note: To see the small-print, drag the picture to the top to make a new tab.
So, as promised in my last blog, here is the Positive
Qualities Chart developed by Jim Downs.
Let me retype some of the instructions they gave me:
[From handout]
Purpose & Philosophy: Whatever you focus on, you
personify. Whatever you experience becomes
a part of your being. You can become
better than you are by choosing and acting on your positive ideas and ideals.
History of the Chart: Love, truth, beauty, and goodness are
the foundation upon which all qualities are build and the culmination of all
reality. If these are the central
values, what others are important and what would be the relationship among
them? The Chart and book are my answers
to these questions.
Facts: There are
1,000 qualities on the Chart which were taken from a list of over 2,300. The Chart took six years to catalog,
organize, and design. Each quality has a
wedge of qualities situated in front or behind appropriate related
qualities. These relationships flow out
from and into the center – a sort of visual thesaurus.
[From brochure]
Positive Qualities are the basic and universal building
blocks of life. Being positive enhances
your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well-being. We each embody a wide range of qualities and
you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how many of these gifts you already
possess. Growth is assured with your
conscious, sincere, intelligent and playful effort. Keep up the good work.
Acquiring qualities creates a feeling of real accomplishment
and gives a genuine boost to your self-esteem.
Share the powerful and tender force of Love by your willingness to
understand and sympathize with others.
As you look at the chart, identify with a quality and see
yourself experiencing it in your life.
For example, if you need humor, open yourself to the lighter side in
your daily events. Or, picture a
situation and imagine what the ideal collection of qualities should be as you
live out the scene.
…
Ahh, too much typing.
Ok, so there is the gist of it. I
can type fast, around 80-90 wpm average, but right now I’m running out of time.
Tomorrow may be another long day like
today.
Before I get to my happenings today, I want to talk about
the chart. I do find this chart useful
to keep track of my personal growth. As
you can see from the big picture, I have it taped to the wall. The ones with a black dot are the ones I feel
I have. I am not done evaluating myself
yet. Best of all, having this chart
serves as a visual reminder to improve myself.
I recommend everyone good to download the picture and to look at the
values that you share.
Ok, about today.
Whew. I was supposed to get my
blue autistic guitar two days go but when the USPS came, twice, there was no
one to sign-in or track the package. I
was so pissed. I was in my room at that
time! The thing is, I live in the back
of the house, with separate rooms.
Therefore, I couldn’t hear whether the post-person knocked on the front
door or not. The only way for me to
receive the package is to physically be at the front porch and wait for the
delivery-person to arrive, which is just what I did. I set my alarm to 8:30am because that was
about the time when the person came the first time. I waited outside from 8:45 to around 9:45 and
no one showed up. I had my fold-up ACU
Army chair with books and my mp3 player.
However, I spent most of that time praying, singing, and walking
around. Waiting outside for people to
come reminds me of a few memories from the Army. In the Army, we too have to wait outside a
lot. I miss those times. I remember once when I was in Kuwait, I was
one of the three soldiers selected to go to another U.S. base to “watch” the
equipment until the forward unit who is supposed to relieve us arrived. So here I was, in a sea of military trucks
and Humvees just standing there waiting for my shift to close so the next
soldier can relieve me. I would have my
cellphone ready in case something happens.
And I would also have the same field chair with my ACU backpack next to
it. I would walk around and sing, pray,
read the Bible, and eat. The lot where I
patrol is pretty big so I have to walk a bit to make sure everything is covered. I also enjoy the feeling of being by
myself. I imagine once the stillness
ends and the forward unit arrives, there will be a locust of activity where I
stand. I actually have a picture of myself.
Here I am, in a special mission. This is a picture taken of me during
night-time in my quarters typing, you guessed it, a blog. We also spend a lot of time transporting
materials around the site.
Anyways, back to my story. So the mail-person didn’t come. I figured he or she will come again around
noontime, because that was when that person came the second time. I texted S (inital) that I wouldn’t be able to
attend the prayer meeting because I have to “watch” for the mail-person. So I waited outside again from 11:30am to
around 12:30pm and still the cavalry didn’t come. Using the journey-approach, I took measures
and biked to the UPS store in downtown El Paso.
The staff told me, because of a special arrangement, my mail is with the
USPS. So, I biked back and drove to the
post office where my zip code is at, which is pretty far away. I got there and the staff there told me they
moved my area to another post office. So
I drove there and the staff then told me because the sender designated it as a
business address (which it’s not), the package is still en route with the
mail-person. Therefore, they don’t have
it. Oh my goodness. Luckily, and I forgot to mention it, I made a
note to the UPS deliverer (forgot to change to USPS) to call me to verify the
package. I’m so glad I made that note
because while I was buying groceries at Wal-Mart near-by, the delivery-person
texted me and told me the package is at the front of the house. I’m so glad when I heard that. All this work, all this effort, for
nothing. Well, not really nothing, I
still learn some values and gained some experience.
I ordered the acoustic guitar in part because I wanted to
help play for Intervarsity. The members
there encouraged me to join them.
However, I might have trouble because their practice session conflicts
with my volunteering time and I may be too busy to help. I still want to remain optimistic so I
brought the guitar. I also already have
an electric guitar, unfortunately, I realized its downfalls. I thought the electric guitar would be the
jack-of-all trades because with the amp, I can adjust the volume to however I
want. I developed a portable system
where I put the amp in my backpack and connect the wires to my guitar. There, I can walk and play and sing. The downfall to my system is that it’s not
portable enough. I have classes all day
(on Thursdays) and I bicycle to school.
By the time I’m done with my classes, I’m already tired. I don’t want to lug a heavy electric guitar
with a loaded backpack to school. With
my acoustic guitar, I can just use that
as a backpack and bike my way to school.
Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe I’m
just being lazy. I just wasted $35 on
that guitar. Oh, did I tell you I only
spent $35 on it? I was comparison shopping
and I found this guitar on Amazon. It is
both cheap and of good quality, based on numerous customer reviews. I got the guitar today and it is
beautiful. It also comes with a flimsy
bag, a pitch-pipe, and a spare set of strings.
I could take a picture of myself with it and post it on Facebook
sometime.
Ok, so there is my daily double. I want to close this entry so I have a bit of
time for myself, God, and to prepare to sleep.
Note: This is my first blog on Google Blogger. I chose to use it to test it out so please be patient with me. Thanks!
Maybe I should write every day, at least short pieces. Perhaps writing daily will help me in my
life. Right now, my mind is kind of in
jumbo. I’m thinking so many things and
forgetting so many at the same time. I
feel disorganized right now, probably the worse time for me to write. :(
Maybe one of the best forms of writing is to write
uninhibited. There are exceptions, and
maybe a balance to that approach, of course, so wisdom will dictate when to use
them. Maybe I should change the tone to
myself. I feel I can write so much
easier. But, if I write to myself, I’ll
be too afraid to post it for everyone to see. So my tone will still be for others, maybe a
compromise of both. I’m writing so many maybes,
maybe that’s because there’s so much exceptions and maybes in life and we need
God’s wisdom to sort it out.
One thing that is bothering me quite a bit is my eye. No, it’s not damaged or anything, so don’t
feel sorry for me. Rather, I feel my eye
is getting more tired easily. I
attribute that to spending too much time in front of a computer. That is one reason why I started my weekly
(or I hope it to be) fast. I haven’t
fasted for a long time so the fast yesterday was a very lively experience. No, I didn’t feel much hunger pains, rather,
I feel like an electric sensation going through my arms and an altered state of
awareness, a little like feverish, mentally.
I do feel, however, that my body is recovering itself. All those dead cells being replaced. My body restoring balance. Not to mention I save a seventh out of my
food budget. Well, not quite, but more
like 6.5. My one-day fast was actually
closer to a 30-hour fast (no, not the famine although that was a good
experience). To adjust to my
computer-heavy eyeload, I would take breaks and use deep breathing to rest my
eyes. But I feel my eye is getting worse
(not vision-wise, stamina) hence the fast.
I also decided to fast as a time to grow closer to God, to realize that “man
does not live on bread alone but on the every word that comes from the mouth of
God.”
I messed up yesterday, I sinned against God, but I know that
as Christians, we will never be perfect in this life. I went to the “Rising Our Voices” event at
Sunshine Community Center on Friday with my La Fe Intervarsity Christian
Fellowship group (whew, long name) and the youth pastor there said those
words. Christians are not perfect but
forgiven but as Christians, we all try to be like the Heavenly Father, who is
perfect. We will finally reach our goal
once Christ comes again and gives us new bodies. And my eye got much better thanks to the
fast. I know, I’m a bit disorganized
right now.
I hate it how timeliness is almost everything. If I’m talking to a person and then I forgot
to mention an important word or phrase, then it’s almost always too late to add
it back and have the same effect. I get
that a lot when I was in the Army. I
would be so afraid talking to some people that I wasn’t able to express
myself. Or, and I just thought of this,
sometimes I would think of something that is cool or ingenious to say in class
but I was too afraid or too worried about the consequences that I let the
opportunity pass. Then, in hindsight, I
should have said it. Maybe, for me, if I
reach the point of debating to myself whether I should say something or not, I
should say it. My filter is already very
layered, like the clinical trials in medicine.
Goodness, I do have quite a few things to say, and that is because
this is the first of my many (hopefully) daily or at least semi-daily
discoveries (blog). So I got the
Positive Qualities chart from Hanna’s Herb Shop and it is great! I love it!
I took a picture of the chart and I’m going to share it on Facebook and
my blog very soon. One of the qualities I
am focusing on right now is “high-minded.”
Many times, I find that I’m focusing on low things, my mind sometimes
gets in the gutter, ahem. I want to
focus on things that are, according to Philippians 4:8, pure, lovely,
admirable, or excellent. Some of the
traits, I’m still evaluating myself so please don’t judge me :) , I already
have or have experienced. Traits such as
enduring, frugal, careful, reflective, precious, childlike, among others. But the mass majority, I lack, and some I
never even heard about. But, it’s
okay. What matters is the journey. Which brings me to my next point (thank God I
remembered).
One thing I learned, and thanks to other people’s
contributions, is not to see life as goals.
If I don’t get an A I’m a loser.
If I don’t make this interview then I suck. If I can’t get into my Social Work program
than life has no meaning. If we see life
from a goal or external perspective, we will tend to give up more easily if
life doesn’t go our way. I was reading
an article two weeks ago on Wall Street Journal about the reason why the author
got this far in business is because he had a “systems” approach as opposed to
what I call a goal approach. Life gave
him many setbacks, he made many mistakes, but he still chose to keep
going. What gave him the strength to
keep going was in his approach. He doesn’t
place a high emphasis on winning or losing but on effort, on enduring, on not
giving up. I call it the journey approach. I want to see life and my dreams and
strivings as a journey not as a win-or-lose goal. I didn’t get the job I want. Not a big deal. What matters is I’m on my journey. Storms may come, my feet may get muddy, I may
even take steps back or get lost, but as long as I’m on my journey, as long as
I’m on my path, that’s what counts. It’s
okay if I can’t become a lawyer and fight for human rights. It’s okay if I can’t have a high-paying
job. It’s ok. I just need to keep in the journey or path
that God has given me. Great things will
come naturally if I just focus on my journey.
I call my journey the Paladin’s path. I think it should be the cleric’s path. If you ever played dungeons-and-dragon’s type
games or got really into the Lord of the Rings, you will know what I mean. Actually, if you just like medieval RPG-type
games, you will know what I mean. When I
was in the Army, I wanted to be like a Paladin.
A paladin uses physically as well as spiritual strength to fight against
evil. Back then, it sounds fitting for
me. I was more extroverted, I was around
people a lot more. But now, I feel like
being a paladin is no longer a perfect fit.
A paladin is 50% spiritual and 50% physical. I’m not that physical. Instead, I’m more like a cleric (75%
spiritual/magical and 25% physical or melee).
I prefer to spend more time on God than with people or with this
world. I still want to be with people
and lead them gently to Christ, hence the 25% physical, but I feel more
comfortable with God. I’m not as
spiritual as a priest, or for non-faith terms, a mage, who is 100%
spiritual/magical. As a cleric, I’m more
behind-the-scenes support but I can still fight if I chose to. Ok, I’m talking in codes but if you like RPG
games, you will know what I mean.
Gosh, so many status updates. No wonder I chose to have a blog instead of writing
tons of Facebook updates. Lol, just
kidding. I started writing a journal since
7th grade because I want to be more in-tune with myself and because I
feel it will hold some significance in the future.
I am also looking for ways to earn more money. It’s hard.
I tried to find ways in the past but I always reached a roadblock. Oh you can fill out surveys. I tried that and more often than not, it’s a gimmick
or completely not worth my time. I have
spent half an hour just trying to qualify for a survey only to be
rejected. Wow, how wonderful is
that. I was forced to lie and even then,
many times, the agency won’t reward you the survey credit. It’s a mess.
Second, I can sell stuff. But I
don’t have much stuff to sell. Well, I
do have some, but I don’t know the procedures or how to sell them on eBay. I’m going to find out. Third, I can have my own vegetable garden or
make stuff! But the problem is I’m
renting my room and there’s not much stuff I can make. I could learn sewing but is it worth the time
to make something that could be sold at Wal-Mart for $5? I am planning to have a little fruit orchard
or a vegetable garden once I own a house.
And I prefer to move to a place where there is plenty of annual
rainfall. Then, I can also install a
rainwater collection system. Ok, I’m
getting off-topic. Bottom line is, there’s
not a lot of ways to make money besides working. Oh and I could invest, but that’s for the
long-term. I want money now.
Recently, in the past few days, I gained more of an insight
in making money off-hand. I could sell
my blood plasma. El Paso has a plasma
center very close to where I live. I
could get, if the prices are still current, about $30 per donation and I can
donate twice a week. That’s $60 a week
or, being optimistic, $240 a month.
Pretty good deal. I do need to
learn how to see stuff on eBay. The part
I’m most confused in is when a customer places an order. What do I do next? Do I just get a box, write the customer’s
mailing address, and ship it from a local post office? A church family gave me a box of Super
Nintendo games and I’m thinking about selling them. I feel bad about selling those because it has
sentimental value. I also could, ok don’t
hate me, sell my sperm at a sperm bank.
When it is time for me to masturbate, I will not use any of their
supplementary materials because I don’t want to sin against God. However, the problem with that is I may not
qualify. In general and to be stereotypical,
I need to be White, six-feet tall, and a traceable family history going back to
at least four generations. Well, I could
give it a try, but I’m not optimistic.
I want to end my post about God. What I really need to do, and what I would
ideally want to do if I have the discipline, is just to talk to God. That is the best use of my (and I daresay
our) time. I do find that everything
(good) comes from God. Being with God
gives me peace, direction, purpose, and inspiration, and wisdom. If I can just spend time with God all the
days of my life, then everything will be ok.
It is the life to come that counts.
One of the values I am focusing on, as I wrote earlier, is “high-minded.”
I don’t want to waste my time or focus
on things that are worthless, so, I spent my time on productive things. However, the things I switched to
productively doesn’t really focus on God.
I just shifted gear to how to make more money, interesting information
that might be useful, and real-world life learning. The chief of high-minded is in the
spirit. I should also be focusing more
time on spiritual things. That is partly
why I feel so disorganized and random. I
need to seek God first and then everything else.
Ok, this is another one of my longest blog/discovery/journal
pieces I have written in a while, at 2,085 words and counting. To end this blog, I want to share a song that
gave me motivation. “They can try to
deny what’s inside of me / But there is more, can’t ignore all the things
unseen.” I know that it is God who
helped me in my life and without Him, I would die. The secular world can call this “God” by
other names, such as wishful thinking, positive thinking, stress-displacement,
empowerment, inner-strength (strange cause I feel I got none), placebo effect,
etc, but I know that it is God’s spiritual power that gave the strength and
power to live life. Without God, I would
had broken down when times are hard.
Instead, I pray and I felt strength.
It’s hard to explain it. I know
God is real because I’ve experienced Him working in my life.
