8/14/2015 - A Day to Change a Year

8/14/2015 - A Day to Change a Year

11:13pm – 11:55pm

It’s late now but I feel like I need to write.  At least for a bit.

It is said that what one does on his or her birthday can determine how that person will do for the rest of that year.  A birthday, in my opinion, is a very special and important day.  It’s a “me” day and because it is so important to many people, God values that day all the more.

In another respect, my birthday is just like any other day.  Job even wished that his birthday be cursed because of the suffering he had endured.  When life is bitter and cruel, birthdays tend not to be a time of celebration, instead, it serves as an ugly reminder of trying to survive.

I value my birthdays but I remember my past birthdays were not as good.  There were birthdays when I just hung around my room and play computer games.  There were birthdays when I sinned.  And I remember those years are not very good.

But this birthday is a change, is a revival.  I started my day at 4:30am trying to get up to go to intercession.  Why is intercession so early?  The leaders say it is to kill the flesh.  Evangelism still scares me so I thought the least I can do is to pray.  I love praying.  I’m afraid of evangelism because I’m afraid I have no power or my declarations won’t come true.  But that shouldn’t be an issue.  God will provide.  He provided for me and still provides and loves me now.  The lack of power is actually caused by a lack of relationship with God, something Pastor Patty preached about.

Then, at around 7:15am I went to eat breakfast with some intercession members.  We talked until around 10am?  It was a great relationship-building time.

Then, I went to the commissary and the PX at Fort Bliss to buy needed supplies and healthy food.  I love shopping at the PX and the commissary because most everything is cheaper there and tax-free. 

Then, I went to Ignite to help with the Powerpoint.  I’m so happy that I can help.  Today’s service was different from before.  We had to make announcement videos but by the supernatural grace of God, we are able to accomplish it.  I post the Ignite invite events on Craigslist and Backpage and I remembered downloading a bunch of event pictures from their facebook page.  I used those pictures for today.  Amen. 

So, today, my capital day, is a good day.  I did not play any computer games and I did not do any bad things.  I find that talking to myself with God helped a lot. 

Still, I really wish one good day can make up for a thousand bad days.  Xuan Nguyen wrote that 30 days can change a person’s life because if a person does something for 30 days, it will become a habit for the rest of that person’s life.  I have been exercising and eating right.  If I can do it for 25 more days, then I have it for the rest of my life, or at least it’s much easier.  New Year Resolutions shouldn’t be so hard.  :)  One day, thirty days, my birthday.  I really wish one day can change my life.

2/27/2014: Seek making a difference, not acceptance [Discovery]

2/27/2014: Seek making a difference, not acceptance

S: 6:19am

E: 7:00am

Everything I do, everything we do, can be seen as right or wrong.  If I try to help others, there will be people telling me “oh why are you helping others?  Why not just help yourself?”  They will tell me that the only one who will care about you is yourself.  Yet, if I only help myself, there will be people telling me that “Why are you only helping yourself?”  Why are you not helping others?  Life is not just about living for yourself; Life is about living for others.  Everything can be subject to debate, everything is not black or white.  Except the eternal laws found in the Bible, but that is my belief. 

I feel writing benefits the reader but hurts the writer.  The writer has to give valuable time to write while the reader benefits from reading.  Yet, from another perspective, there are times when writing benefits the writer more than the reader.  The writer might be advertising something, that person might have something to gain.  Or, the writer can be having fun, making humor at the expense of others.  The writer can also troll.  Troll lol lol. 

Children should be taught right from wrong.  Children should learn to think for themselves.  Do not impose religion on children.  Children benefits from religion.  It seems like everything I do, everything we do, can be considered by others to be deviant, illegal, or wrong.  Even if I take a rule that society generally agrees on, such as not sleeping in class, there are times when sleeping in class is a better course of action than staying awake.  That person, or should I say student, might be thinking ahead and need the extra energy to get through the day.  If that person forces him or herself to be awake, that person might be too tired to function in other parts of their lives.  That person might get into an accident driving or biking back from school, for example.  I’m not saying sleeping in class is a good thing, there are generalities, there are exceptions.  If I go north, people (it seems a lot of people actually) will try to tell me to go south.  If I go east, people tell me to go west.  If I don’t go anywhere, people will tell me to go somewhere!  There are also people telling me just to stop moving. 

I know there are things that are considered to be opinions, others to be generally accepted by society, still others that are generally to be considered to be correct due to past experience.  Let nobody say that something must be right 100% of the time.  There are no absolutes.  Only God can do that and I do know some absolutes due to my (or what I call *my* holy spirit) interpretation of the Bible.  Since God sees everything, let God be the judge.  Yet, when I say that, some people, to quote one of my professors, interpret more than what I say.  They think, “What!  Are you trying to judge me?  Are you trying to say what I’m doing is wrong?”  Nobody is saying that what you are doing is wrong.  On the contrary, I’m trying to say that only God knows if something is right or wrong or different shades of it.  No human being should give value judgments.  That’s what I mean when I say God will be the judge.  I say that to myself “God will be the Judge” all the time.

What I’m trying to say is that people should not try to seek acceptance because it is not possible to be accepted or to please everyone or even the majority, but people should seek to make a positive difference.  People should be the person God wants them to be.  Or, if the person doesn’t believe in God (and that is fine, I’m not going to judge, only.. yeah) that that person should be all that they can be; that person should reach their full potential. 

Sorry about writing this, but in a way, I’m not so sorry.  I’m tired of people trying to gerrymander me into doing what they think, in their own definition, is right.  If I am a lawyer, I can debate anything.  I could be the devil’s advocate.  People can have their own opinions, but in my opinion, hardly anything is black or white, instead, I see different shades of gray.  Just look at history, for example.  There are full of interpretations and different sides say different things, it’s just in the case of history, might tends to make right (Look are WWII, Japanese textbooks vs. Chinese or even American ones or look at the Axis’ side).  Although morally, I do see one side as having a darker gray than the other side.  Oh well, God will be the judge.

1/16/2014: Children [Discovery]

1/16/2014: Children

E: 3:10am

I know it is late but I have the desire, the urge to write.  I know I need to fix my sleeping pattern because, if I don’t, I am going to suffer big time once school starts next week.  But, thanks to my awkward sleeping schedule, I have a longing to write.  Maybe not a longing, I’m not sure how strong it is, but strong enough.  One thing I learned as a writer is that the desire, the primacy, to write can come at any time and if the writer chooses to ignore those urges, the writing quality, if the writer still chooses to write about that topic, will suffer.  I don’t know when my next full moon to write will come.  It could be tomorrow, or next month.

Today, I want to write about children.  Anne Frank wrote in her diary that the best remedy for people who are depressed or sad is to be with nature.  I agree that being with nature is good medicine, but, it’s hard for me to be in the outdoors here.  I can’t just go into somebody’s backyard to be alone with nature.  In my life experience, I find that the best remedy for people who are lonely, depressed, hopeless, or sad, is to be with children, is to help them.  Being with children reminds me of how beautiful this world can be.  That in this oftentimes hateful, impersonal, unjust world, being with children is not only a shelter from the sorrows of this world, but it shines a hope that humankind can be this way.

Even though I already brushed my teeth, I am going to eat that $1 chocolate bar I brought from a child at YWCA today.  When buying, I want to promote interaction, so I asked him which kind is best.  He told me he likes almonds.  I told him I like almonds, too, so I brought it.  After I brought it, his brother wanted to be the person to tally the number and type of chocolate bars sold.  However, the other brother also wanted to be the person.  So, they started to argue and fight.  I ended it by first moving them to a relatively quiet area (I am at the tutoring classroom) and then having the boys settle the issue by playing a game of rock-paper-scissors.  They have a unique way of playing that game.  When one of the boys lost, he didn’t fight or argue, because he knows there is fairness involved. 

OK, I’m already done eating that one serving chocolate bar so I’m eating some more chocolate.  I love chocolate but I will eat it, or try to eat it, in moderation.  Some people know their career choices ever since they were young.  I, unfortunately, was not one of them.  When I was in high school, I have a natural talent in computers (probably because I play games way too much), but I have no real desire to go into that field.  I wanted to help people, to make a difference in the world, not slaving in some game company causing more teens to be addicted to computer games.  So, I tried to be a nurse, then a teacher, and then a soldier.  During my education major years, I worked at the children afterschool program.  I remember, back then, that it stuck a chord in my heart.  For me, going to teach or tutor at the center was not work, but play.  I would also get sad or lonely at home but once it’s time for me to tutor, I brighten up. 

I’m still, from other people’s perspective, way too nice though.  I prefer explaining why a child should do things, to develop a child’s moral reasoning, than to just punish the child. 

So, there are two paths for me.  One is to continue my social work career and to become a social worker, helping people solve their problems (in social work, we are taught to use the word “challenges” instead).  I could do any combination of working right after earning my degree or trying to attain my master’s.  The other is to also finish my bachelor’s degree in social work but to join the federal Teach for America program.  This program allows most people with a bachelor’s degree or higher to become teachers after attending an intensive summer training program.  The new teachers are then placed in in-demand or needy areas and are paid as a starting teacher in their school district.  I know that as a social worker, I can also work with children.  However, I did a test job search at usajobs.gov and found most social work jobs to be dealing with the military.  It’s not I don’t want to help the military, it’s I’m not sure if I am capable.  Sure, on paper, it seems I’m more than qualified.  I have almost four years of active duty military service.  I’ve deployed.  But, I feel I am always behind the learning curve in the Army.  My struggles and coping styles are more unique than the typical soldier or most soldiers.  I have not seen actual combat so I don’t really know how a hardcore soldier is feeling.  I can attempt to comfort the soldier, or just “listen”, but I probably would not be able to emphasize with him or her.  Also, since social workers work for the federal government as well, they are responsible to weed out incapable soldiers.  This is when the agency’s mission conflicts with serving the client.  I don’t want to be the person who recommends that a soldier be chaptered out of the Army.  I myself was almost chaptered out or gave up many times due to my weaknesses.  Another historical option was to join the Peace Corps.  That used to be my golden plan.  I can fight for peace.  However, serving the Peace Corps is a volunteer assignment.  I won’t get paid a regular salary.  I can’t do that because I have loans to pay and money to save.  Perhaps once I get older, maybe, I’ll join.  I have also considered become a lawyer.  However, law school is expensive and I probably can’t afford it.  Even if I could get PLUS loans which covers the cost of living and tuition, I may have to work for some corporation or big-firms that pay a lot so I can pay off my debts.  Not only that, I also stutter when I speak.  I enjoy debate, but I’m not sure if being a lawyer is favorable.

So, back to the topic, I am probably going to be a teacher or a social worker that helps children.  Or maybe the homeless population.  Or maybe the prisoner population.  But, most likely children.  Children gives me joy.  It reminds me of a better world.  It allows me to help a vulnerable population.  But most important of all, being with children allows me to see God (Matthew 18:3).