Jobs in heaven

2015.2.26: Jobs in heaven

S: 12:57am

E: 1:38am

I haven’t written anything for a long time.  There are a lot of reasons but I’m going to skip them. 

My main concern for this entry is about my situation. 

I feel this world is really like a caste system.  There are really no equal opportunities.  Getting a job depends on who you know.  Oh how I wish both the rich and poor have an equal chance of getting a job based on their dedication.  Not experience.  Experience makes things unfair.  It will not be unfair if there are entry-level jobs that can cover experience but there are none, essentially none.  All the jobs, it seems, requires you to know somebody.  Requiring people to know somebody is unfair because not everyone receives the same opportunities to meet people.  The privileged will meet more privileged and the poor and underclass will meet more poor and the underclassed. 

I feel so hopeless.  I’ll never get a job that shows my true worth.  I probably won’t get a job.  The world doesn’t understand that people need jobs to survive.  Why so much competition?  Why can’t there be guaranteed jobs for people who can’t find any other jobs?  That would be a start for a better society. 

I feel the kingdom of darkness and the ruler of this world wants me to feel hopeless, depressed, to wallow in self-pity, and what not.  But although I am suffering from these symptoms because I am human, I have emotions, I still will remember the One who created me and loves me.  Just because darkness is all around me doesn’t not mean God is dead.  No.  Just because I can’t see God or his help does not mean there is nothing I can do. 

I know God is love and He is the one who loves me.  Even if God never loves me again or gives me hope in this world again, still will I seek him.  I will say that I am doing no wrong and I am making no mistake if I raise my hands to God.  As long as I seek God, contrary to what this world is telling me, I will have a better result.  If that result is still death, then at least it is death with seeking God. 

I do not know how my Lord will be able to help me.  The odds are too stacked against me.  I lack experience.  I lack knowing the right people.  I may even lack some of the skills.  But, it doesn’t matter.  This world wants us to think that it matters.  To achieve them is unachievable.  Yes, they essentially are.  What matters is securing my eternal future by seeking and loving God.  Even if my life here on Earth will end, seeking Him is one of the best things anyone can do.  There is no such thing as too much of him.  There is no toxicity level with God.  If someone spends 100% of his or her time with God, I count that person blessed. 

Right now, I feel there is no hope for me.  I am being realistic.  A resume doesn’t cover everything about me.  There is more to me than a sheet of paper.  But most don’t know that.  They judge what they see. 

Perhaps it is a blessing that finding a job is so momentous for me.  It is a gift that stones are placed in my way.  I am starving, dying of thirst, to reach the finish line.  But what finish line?  The world’s?  I shall stop this race and pray and seek God.  I know contrary to what this world is telling me or what I am seeing, God can do anything.  He can lift a homeless man or woman up and have that person become a president, even the president of his or her country.  I believe that.  In the end, it is not man who decides, but God.  It is not man who determines his or her future, but God.  A man, regardless of his or her station in life, is only measured on one thing: how much that person loves God and through God, loves people.  That’s all.  If society really loves their fellowman, finding a job should be as plentiful as the streets of gold at heaven.  There should be employers begging people to come to this job.  People will not look, indeed, it will be already there! 

I guess this life I live.  I most likely will not live long.  Let not my eyes deceive me.  Let not the pleasures of this world confound me.  My life is but a breath.  I say, it is blessing to die because I can no longer survive if I spend my last days with God.  And because I do not know when my time will come, should not all my time be based for Him? 

If things continue in its natural state; if it continues in its natural law, then I will die soon and be with God.  I write “be with God” because that may or may not happen.  But what I will do, what will happen, is that I do my best to be with Him.  The secret of life is this: It is better to die than to live and see pain.  The joys of eternal rest outweighs the burdens of daily life.  Living may be a curse while death may be a release.  I have still not caught the essence of this.  Happier is the one who dies than the one who lives but suffers. 

But, to end this, I do know one thing.  Hope comes from God.  Love comes from God.  Grace comes from God.  Joy, happiness, prosperity, peace, and everything good, even sex, comes from God.  The one who seeks God is like one who is trying to cheat in this life.  This world hates cheaters, it hates those who circumvent these worldly ways.  The cheat in this life is knowing God and knowing him deeply, and loving him through life or in death.

1/16/2014: Children [Discovery]

1/16/2014: Children

E: 3:10am

I know it is late but I have the desire, the urge to write.  I know I need to fix my sleeping pattern because, if I don’t, I am going to suffer big time once school starts next week.  But, thanks to my awkward sleeping schedule, I have a longing to write.  Maybe not a longing, I’m not sure how strong it is, but strong enough.  One thing I learned as a writer is that the desire, the primacy, to write can come at any time and if the writer chooses to ignore those urges, the writing quality, if the writer still chooses to write about that topic, will suffer.  I don’t know when my next full moon to write will come.  It could be tomorrow, or next month.

Today, I want to write about children.  Anne Frank wrote in her diary that the best remedy for people who are depressed or sad is to be with nature.  I agree that being with nature is good medicine, but, it’s hard for me to be in the outdoors here.  I can’t just go into somebody’s backyard to be alone with nature.  In my life experience, I find that the best remedy for people who are lonely, depressed, hopeless, or sad, is to be with children, is to help them.  Being with children reminds me of how beautiful this world can be.  That in this oftentimes hateful, impersonal, unjust world, being with children is not only a shelter from the sorrows of this world, but it shines a hope that humankind can be this way.

Even though I already brushed my teeth, I am going to eat that $1 chocolate bar I brought from a child at YWCA today.  When buying, I want to promote interaction, so I asked him which kind is best.  He told me he likes almonds.  I told him I like almonds, too, so I brought it.  After I brought it, his brother wanted to be the person to tally the number and type of chocolate bars sold.  However, the other brother also wanted to be the person.  So, they started to argue and fight.  I ended it by first moving them to a relatively quiet area (I am at the tutoring classroom) and then having the boys settle the issue by playing a game of rock-paper-scissors.  They have a unique way of playing that game.  When one of the boys lost, he didn’t fight or argue, because he knows there is fairness involved. 

OK, I’m already done eating that one serving chocolate bar so I’m eating some more chocolate.  I love chocolate but I will eat it, or try to eat it, in moderation.  Some people know their career choices ever since they were young.  I, unfortunately, was not one of them.  When I was in high school, I have a natural talent in computers (probably because I play games way too much), but I have no real desire to go into that field.  I wanted to help people, to make a difference in the world, not slaving in some game company causing more teens to be addicted to computer games.  So, I tried to be a nurse, then a teacher, and then a soldier.  During my education major years, I worked at the children afterschool program.  I remember, back then, that it stuck a chord in my heart.  For me, going to teach or tutor at the center was not work, but play.  I would also get sad or lonely at home but once it’s time for me to tutor, I brighten up. 

I’m still, from other people’s perspective, way too nice though.  I prefer explaining why a child should do things, to develop a child’s moral reasoning, than to just punish the child. 

So, there are two paths for me.  One is to continue my social work career and to become a social worker, helping people solve their problems (in social work, we are taught to use the word “challenges” instead).  I could do any combination of working right after earning my degree or trying to attain my master’s.  The other is to also finish my bachelor’s degree in social work but to join the federal Teach for America program.  This program allows most people with a bachelor’s degree or higher to become teachers after attending an intensive summer training program.  The new teachers are then placed in in-demand or needy areas and are paid as a starting teacher in their school district.  I know that as a social worker, I can also work with children.  However, I did a test job search at usajobs.gov and found most social work jobs to be dealing with the military.  It’s not I don’t want to help the military, it’s I’m not sure if I am capable.  Sure, on paper, it seems I’m more than qualified.  I have almost four years of active duty military service.  I’ve deployed.  But, I feel I am always behind the learning curve in the Army.  My struggles and coping styles are more unique than the typical soldier or most soldiers.  I have not seen actual combat so I don’t really know how a hardcore soldier is feeling.  I can attempt to comfort the soldier, or just “listen”, but I probably would not be able to emphasize with him or her.  Also, since social workers work for the federal government as well, they are responsible to weed out incapable soldiers.  This is when the agency’s mission conflicts with serving the client.  I don’t want to be the person who recommends that a soldier be chaptered out of the Army.  I myself was almost chaptered out or gave up many times due to my weaknesses.  Another historical option was to join the Peace Corps.  That used to be my golden plan.  I can fight for peace.  However, serving the Peace Corps is a volunteer assignment.  I won’t get paid a regular salary.  I can’t do that because I have loans to pay and money to save.  Perhaps once I get older, maybe, I’ll join.  I have also considered become a lawyer.  However, law school is expensive and I probably can’t afford it.  Even if I could get PLUS loans which covers the cost of living and tuition, I may have to work for some corporation or big-firms that pay a lot so I can pay off my debts.  Not only that, I also stutter when I speak.  I enjoy debate, but I’m not sure if being a lawyer is favorable.

So, back to the topic, I am probably going to be a teacher or a social worker that helps children.  Or maybe the homeless population.  Or maybe the prisoner population.  But, most likely children.  Children gives me joy.  It reminds me of a better world.  It allows me to help a vulnerable population.  But most important of all, being with children allows me to see God (Matthew 18:3).  

2013.12.9: Why I suck (sarcastic) [Discovery]

2013.12.9: Why I suck (sarcastic)

S: 3:26am

E: 4:45am

Thinking about writing a short post on Facebook and being afraid led me to write this discovery.  I find that one reason why I am shier, more introverted, and more afraid of people than normal is because I lack social contact and the social contact that I do have tends to be negative.  Fine, perhaps not all or most of the time, but, to me, definitely more than my fair share. 

This is a discovery about why I suck.  More positively, this is a discovery attempting to discover more of the negative side of me and to make it positive. 

One reason why (I suck, jk) I’m more introverted, shy, and afraid of people is probably because I was brought up with the mentality that I’m not good enough.  When I was growing up as a child, my parents always tell me I’m not good enough.  When I joined the Army, I’m not good enough.  When I was in high school, I’m not good enough.  I’m not good enough, I’m not good enough, I’m not good enough.  This makes me want to run and hide and avoid taking risks.  Due to this, I didn’t grow as fast as my peers.  I don’t want to try and be told that I’m not good enough.  BUT I have a heart to try, a heart to do good, to help others, thanks to God.  So, I do try, but the times that I do try is because I have to, I can be perfect, or because God gave me the courage.  The fear of being judged negatively by others, having experienced it, made me more likely to try only if I can do a job or task perfectly.  Because if I can do it perfectly, people won’t have anything bad to say about me.  This is one reason why I tell myself a lot that “God will be the judge” and “My times are in God’s hands” because it helps deflect some of the criticism that I’m sure will come, to God. 

Having less social contact than normal is another factor of my introversion.  Growing up, I don’t really talk to people a lot or hang out with them.  I would spend most, if not all, of my time in front of a computer or playing computer games.  So, when social situations come, I shy up because I don’t really know what to do.  I become afraid so I try to avoid that, which compounds my issue of a lack of social contact.  Looking back, if I could be with people more, to experience them, I would be less afraid and more confident doing anything with people actually.  Being in the Army helped me A LOT in this realm.  But, due to my lack of social and life skills, I was also right.  People did attack and make fun of me because of my disability.  Oh and there was no one encouraging me to be around with other people in my youth.  Thanks to God again.  Being humble with others and to God allows me to channel the negative criticism to God and to uncover those thorns so I can learn and grow.  I tried to substitute my lack of social contact with God.  “I don’t need to talk to people; I can just talk to God” or “God is my forever friend.”  But, while what I am saying has some truth, I still need to talk to people because God made people. 

Taking both points into context, I feel like every time when I *do* feel confident or when I *do* want to try, other people try to quench it.  People would tell me that I suck or I don’t have the skill or I forgot to do this.  It seems like every time I try to do something without being 100% perfect, something always fucks me over.  I would either break some secret “unknown” rule or I didn’t know something everyone else knows (common sense) and I fail.  I could get traumatized by this.  There are times when I would spend hours and hours just thinking should I try something and planning all of its contingencies because of this or the fear of.  Again, God helps me in this area.  He tells me that He is in control.  Whether I win or lose, fail or not, doesn’t really matter.  I would tell myself “I can lose every battle but still win the war because I have God on my side.  I just need to try.”

And recently, my depression causes me to avoid people, to avoid trying.  I try to better myself, I try in so many areas but my body is so weak.  I fail so many times.  I do thank God that I win the important battles like turning in my final papers, that’s when my body suddenly felt like doing it partly because I had the willpower.  I told myself that I will at least give it a fight, at least try.  My depression or feeling sad about myself could cause me to be more isolated.  Why is it that when bad things happen, more bad things happen and when good things happen, more of it happens, like rich gets richer?  Or the cycle of poverty?  I think it is one of the laws of life.  But there is a God who is above the Law and gives mercy and grace.  God, or at least the feeling of, since I can’t prove it (no one can except in supernatural cases), restores me and gives me a second chance. 

So what should I learn about all this?  I should be humble because people (especially me) are weak but God is strong.  I should follow God always because He is all-powerful and all-loving.  I should continue to always try even when I make mistakes and fail because God is in control.  When I get hurt by life’s circumstances and that includes people and real or imagined, I should give it to God because He is the judge.  I should not be afraid to do what I think is right because God or other people will correct me if I’m wrong and I can learn from it.

In conclusion, I fail.  I fail every day.  In fact, I am 99% confident that there is not one day when I did not make a mistake.  But, what matters is that we try.  We can fail every time we try and that’s great!  But what matters is that we try.  Why do we try?  Because God tries.