The Experiment

[Edited for Public] 2015.10.19: The Experiment

11:48pm – 12:16pm

My aunt told me that I should write a journal daily, so here it is.  Maybe I should write daily now.  I mean I used to write a lot but not anymore.  Not when.. my faith became weak.  Not when trails and tribulations ceased a little.  I mean my difficulties still persist.  -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  Nothing in this world can truly satisfy me.  -----------------  -------------------------------------------------------------------  Then what is God’s will for my life?  Is it to have customers yelling at me and hating me everyday?  Is that what my life is for?  My aunt told me I should find a happy job.  A job that makes me happy.  Not a job where I deal with sadness and gloom.  Where the best I can do is a draw.  No, a draw is not a win.  A draw, where I only have one life, one chance, is a lose.  Maybe I should quit my job so I can continue to further my education.  I mean, if I can’t make lots of money, then I should at least have lots of education and knowledge.  No, well, kind of true.  I should just focus on seeking God.  But I suck at it.  I feel I just can’t do it.  I could be close, I can see it.  I can see myself seeking God and being close to Him but I just can’t reach it.  This is what I should do.  Maybe I should just quit everything that is not necessary and just seek God.  I wonder what may happen if I do it. 

My strategy, my plan against customers, or rather to defend myself against them is to pray for them.  Prayer is the artillery.  Then, I’ll just do what I can do to prepare myself.  The horse is ready for battle.  Then, the battle will belong to the Lord.  What can I do then, with customers who are still mean to me?  Should I take revenge?  No, rather, I should use that as a motivation, a boost, to seek God more. 

My life has changed, not for the better, I feel, but for the worse.  How worse?  I’m not sure.  I crave chicken nuggets, cheese cake, pizza, and what not.  But, these things, in the end, won’t really satisfy me.  I feel stuck.  I feel like I lost.  If I’m not going anywhere then I’m wasting time.  I don’t want to just make this moderate or low income job and save my money until I die.  My life is meant for greatness but I feel my life is nothing at all.  I carry no influence.  I have no authority.  I have no power.  And I seek God.  The logical conclusion then, is to conclude that seeking God has no power, has no hope.  But no, God is the God of hope.  Then why then am I still so powerless?  No, forget it.  I already chose God and I will die with God, ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  Regardless, I must pray.  Prayer is where I get most of my power from.  I find in my life that I get most of my influence in prayer, behind the scenes.  Without prayer, if it is just people, then I am nothing.  Why can’t I be a general?  What can’t God make me a ruler or a leader or a king?  Or a general, or a trusted advisor.  Why can’t God make me become these things?  Why am I just a nobody working at a low-paying job barely getting by?  -------------------------------------------------------------------- because I have foresight.  -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------And God will be the judge.

----------------------------------------------------------------------  He is the only reason.  I could care less if other people are less than me.  No, I will not compare myself to who is less but to who is greater.  But of course, I will submit to God.  The only thing that keeps me going is my ability to pray and be close to God.  ---------------------------------------------- 

I don’t have a girlfriend --------------------------------  I don’t have any social networks of significant extent.  ------------------ 

My life, it is so unfair.  I know, other people are going to attack me on this.  Call me complaining.  But look, I really never had a chance in life.  When I was 18, I still had the mentality and life-skills of a 13 year-old.  So many basic skills in life I couldn’t do.  ---------------------------------------------  Values and traits and social skills that I lack.  And now, I am semi-independent.  I say semi because I probably will never be fully independent.  I will never be able to live without God.  Even now, when I have my own room, my own car, my own blah blah blah, I am still not completely independent.  I am much more independent than in the past, but I’m not there yet. 

What can I hope for?  What can I look forward to?  The only thing I can look forward to is God.  Is prayer.  But perhaps prayer is like social work.  Anybody can do it.  You don’t need a degree for that.  You may not need a degree, but you still need God.  And his gift, and his mercy, and his talent.  -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  This is what I’m going to do from now on.  And I must do it.  Aside from Clash of Clans, which is a game I still can’t quit even though I just started like two months ago. I will seek God.  Any other unnecessary thing will be destroyed.  I’m going to try this experiment for a month, to 11/20/2015 and see if it works.  Let me test and see that the Lord is good.  That he will take care of me.  This will be my vow ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  Should I do this?  Yes.  No.  Maybe so.  I want to do it, but I feel I just can’t.  Fine, I’ll give myself three chances.  Three strikes.  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  Then, should I do this?  What about China?  Who cares about China.  That is just a game.  And my life is not a game. 

How can I relieve stress?  How can I talk to customers?  I don’t.  I don’t know.  I’m still confused and like a child.  I’m just going to pray and seek God.  --------------------------------------------------  I’m doing a 30-day relentless.  Anything unnecessary must be cast aside and just enjoy the pleasure of seeking God.  I’m going to start right now and see how far three strikes will get me.  This will not be a vow but an experiment.  --------------------------------------------------------  May God be my judge.  May God be with me. 

Jobs in heaven

2015.2.26: Jobs in heaven

S: 12:57am

E: 1:38am

I haven’t written anything for a long time.  There are a lot of reasons but I’m going to skip them. 

My main concern for this entry is about my situation. 

I feel this world is really like a caste system.  There are really no equal opportunities.  Getting a job depends on who you know.  Oh how I wish both the rich and poor have an equal chance of getting a job based on their dedication.  Not experience.  Experience makes things unfair.  It will not be unfair if there are entry-level jobs that can cover experience but there are none, essentially none.  All the jobs, it seems, requires you to know somebody.  Requiring people to know somebody is unfair because not everyone receives the same opportunities to meet people.  The privileged will meet more privileged and the poor and underclass will meet more poor and the underclassed. 

I feel so hopeless.  I’ll never get a job that shows my true worth.  I probably won’t get a job.  The world doesn’t understand that people need jobs to survive.  Why so much competition?  Why can’t there be guaranteed jobs for people who can’t find any other jobs?  That would be a start for a better society. 

I feel the kingdom of darkness and the ruler of this world wants me to feel hopeless, depressed, to wallow in self-pity, and what not.  But although I am suffering from these symptoms because I am human, I have emotions, I still will remember the One who created me and loves me.  Just because darkness is all around me doesn’t not mean God is dead.  No.  Just because I can’t see God or his help does not mean there is nothing I can do. 

I know God is love and He is the one who loves me.  Even if God never loves me again or gives me hope in this world again, still will I seek him.  I will say that I am doing no wrong and I am making no mistake if I raise my hands to God.  As long as I seek God, contrary to what this world is telling me, I will have a better result.  If that result is still death, then at least it is death with seeking God. 

I do not know how my Lord will be able to help me.  The odds are too stacked against me.  I lack experience.  I lack knowing the right people.  I may even lack some of the skills.  But, it doesn’t matter.  This world wants us to think that it matters.  To achieve them is unachievable.  Yes, they essentially are.  What matters is securing my eternal future by seeking and loving God.  Even if my life here on Earth will end, seeking Him is one of the best things anyone can do.  There is no such thing as too much of him.  There is no toxicity level with God.  If someone spends 100% of his or her time with God, I count that person blessed. 

Right now, I feel there is no hope for me.  I am being realistic.  A resume doesn’t cover everything about me.  There is more to me than a sheet of paper.  But most don’t know that.  They judge what they see. 

Perhaps it is a blessing that finding a job is so momentous for me.  It is a gift that stones are placed in my way.  I am starving, dying of thirst, to reach the finish line.  But what finish line?  The world’s?  I shall stop this race and pray and seek God.  I know contrary to what this world is telling me or what I am seeing, God can do anything.  He can lift a homeless man or woman up and have that person become a president, even the president of his or her country.  I believe that.  In the end, it is not man who decides, but God.  It is not man who determines his or her future, but God.  A man, regardless of his or her station in life, is only measured on one thing: how much that person loves God and through God, loves people.  That’s all.  If society really loves their fellowman, finding a job should be as plentiful as the streets of gold at heaven.  There should be employers begging people to come to this job.  People will not look, indeed, it will be already there! 

I guess this life I live.  I most likely will not live long.  Let not my eyes deceive me.  Let not the pleasures of this world confound me.  My life is but a breath.  I say, it is blessing to die because I can no longer survive if I spend my last days with God.  And because I do not know when my time will come, should not all my time be based for Him? 

If things continue in its natural state; if it continues in its natural law, then I will die soon and be with God.  I write “be with God” because that may or may not happen.  But what I will do, what will happen, is that I do my best to be with Him.  The secret of life is this: It is better to die than to live and see pain.  The joys of eternal rest outweighs the burdens of daily life.  Living may be a curse while death may be a release.  I have still not caught the essence of this.  Happier is the one who dies than the one who lives but suffers. 

But, to end this, I do know one thing.  Hope comes from God.  Love comes from God.  Grace comes from God.  Joy, happiness, prosperity, peace, and everything good, even sex, comes from God.  The one who seeks God is like one who is trying to cheat in this life.  This world hates cheaters, it hates those who circumvent these worldly ways.  The cheat in this life is knowing God and knowing him deeply, and loving him through life or in death.

The Beta-Alpha Male

4 October 2014: The Beta-Alpha Male

S: 2:52am

E: 3:48am

Maybe I’m right and what these “experienced” people or what the world is telling me is wrong.  The way of violence, the way of alpha male, the particular way that a man has to dress or wear.  They telling me that I have to do this because I’m a “man.”  “Man” is just a social construct. 

Their way is the way most of ------------------ went.  They drink, they get drunk, many drive.  They do reckless behaviors, they get into fights.  I know -------- that don’t make it, others that are hurt.  Is their way really the best way?  Are they true when they mock my way saying I’m inexperienced, too nervous, careful, wussy.  Is it wrong for me not to intervene in a deadly situation when my life may be at risk?  Yet, the establishment proves me to be right.  They told him to leave, ----------------------------. 

There are more than one right answer, and some are more right than others.  First, I lack the realization of what is going on.  I lack the knowledge.  I lack it because I chose to follow my way of peace, of safety.  Yet, to be well-rounded and as a future social worker, I try to learn from the other side.  To directly intervene, without authoritative help, would be folly.  I chose to quietly step inside and to calmly pray about it.  I did make a mistake though.  I only thought of informing the barkeep.  But, they knew quickly what was going on and they intervened. 

I prefer to be neutral outwardly.  Outwardly, it may seem I’m walking the fine line between good and evil.  I do this to protect myself, to stay out of trouble.  Prisoners who don’t get involved in other people’s disputes tend to save their own skin.  But inwardly?  That is the part people don’t see and the part that I strive to be.  Inwardly, I am good.  I fight, when I’m not overwhelmed, by praying and following my intuition and logic.  By social terms, I am the beta male.  I tend to fight indirectly, passive-aggressive style.  Knowing that the spirit is supreme, I fight in that realm.  I do not act on impulse but think carefully and logically.  I look at things honestly.  I am open to being with people different from me, like what happened today, and to learn from their strengths and weaknesses.  I am not totally good, not totally evil, but I learn from both and take the best of both.  But, I know that good is supreme because good is life and human beings have life. 

Maybe I am right all along.  Maybe being humble.  Maybe being single, saving money so I can help other people.  Maybe not chasing and wasting money on temporary pleasures but spending it instead on human welfare is the right thing to do.  I do have fun, but my type of fun is free. 

It’s okay if someone wants to be outwardly better than me.  It’s okay if I die tomorrow.  I am prepared for the worst because I should not worry about what happens tomorrow.  My influence is not the acute kind that gets people’s attention.  It could be, but my influence is more the chronic kind which makes slow but steady and long-lasting change. 

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Add: A person quoted my professor saying that if I am not getting into trouble, then I am doing something wrong as a social worker.  He tells me that social workers fight for justice.  That I should not run and hide when trouble comes.  He tells me it is unethical.  I told him I was following the law.  He said forget the law. 

To respond, this argument is similar to the poem “the stronger wind, the stronger trees” and what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.  It assumes that if I am not struggling, or in this case, getting into trouble, then I am doing something wrong.  In a viewpoint, the person is correct.  What allows life to grow is struggle.  To fight for truth and justice may require me to be in trouble.  But a fallacy he had is the assumption that I should always get into trouble.  Always getting into trouble will get me killed.  I need to pick and prepare my “troubles” carefully, not just jump into any troubles.  Take calculated risks and not blind risks.  The trouble the person is assuming is troubles for a good cause, not the ones for evil. 

In that particular instance, I feel getting into that “trouble” is not a good idea.  A better solution is to notify the authorities.  I may even vouch against notifying the authorities because what I am doing may be considered snitching to the participants.  Another solution, in combination with others, is to pray.  Praying may lessen and prevent these evil acts in unseen ways.  This behavior is given that I do not know the participants and I do not really know what is going on.  How do I know what is going on?  By gaining experience.  How to gain experience?  By staying neutral. 

Deeper than staying neutral is being wise.  Knowing the end result in the outcome and choosing the best behavior to have the best outcome.  The outcome is not limited to just the event, but the history of humankind. 

How about the law?  Laws serve as guides for people in what to do in typical situations.  But in extraordinary circumstances, the law may need to be bent or broken for the greater good.  Also, since laws serve as a guide, if a person truly understands the purpose and function of a law, the person may have the right to break the law.  An example of this is jaywalking across a street.  The purpose of the law against jaywalking is to protect pedestrians from getting hit from cars in unauthorized crossing areas.  However, once a person understands the purpose of that law, and finds circumstances where the law doesn’t apply, he can break the law.  If the person crossing the street carefully looks both directions and sees no cars coming, for example, the person may cross the street without the fear of being hit by a vehicle.  The law is broken but the person is still safe.    

PS: Actually, sometimes I go indirect (passive-aggressive), other times I take a more direct approach.  I don’t really know myself.  More often than not though, I use an indirect approach.  An indirect approach is not bad.  I consider praying, empathy-response actions, acting wisely given the situation, to be indirect.  Most problems are too big to be solved directly at once.