The Beta-Alpha Male

4 October 2014: The Beta-Alpha Male

S: 2:52am

E: 3:48am

Maybe I’m right and what these “experienced” people or what the world is telling me is wrong.  The way of violence, the way of alpha male, the particular way that a man has to dress or wear.  They telling me that I have to do this because I’m a “man.”  “Man” is just a social construct. 

Their way is the way most of ------------------ went.  They drink, they get drunk, many drive.  They do reckless behaviors, they get into fights.  I know -------- that don’t make it, others that are hurt.  Is their way really the best way?  Are they true when they mock my way saying I’m inexperienced, too nervous, careful, wussy.  Is it wrong for me not to intervene in a deadly situation when my life may be at risk?  Yet, the establishment proves me to be right.  They told him to leave, ----------------------------. 

There are more than one right answer, and some are more right than others.  First, I lack the realization of what is going on.  I lack the knowledge.  I lack it because I chose to follow my way of peace, of safety.  Yet, to be well-rounded and as a future social worker, I try to learn from the other side.  To directly intervene, without authoritative help, would be folly.  I chose to quietly step inside and to calmly pray about it.  I did make a mistake though.  I only thought of informing the barkeep.  But, they knew quickly what was going on and they intervened. 

I prefer to be neutral outwardly.  Outwardly, it may seem I’m walking the fine line between good and evil.  I do this to protect myself, to stay out of trouble.  Prisoners who don’t get involved in other people’s disputes tend to save their own skin.  But inwardly?  That is the part people don’t see and the part that I strive to be.  Inwardly, I am good.  I fight, when I’m not overwhelmed, by praying and following my intuition and logic.  By social terms, I am the beta male.  I tend to fight indirectly, passive-aggressive style.  Knowing that the spirit is supreme, I fight in that realm.  I do not act on impulse but think carefully and logically.  I look at things honestly.  I am open to being with people different from me, like what happened today, and to learn from their strengths and weaknesses.  I am not totally good, not totally evil, but I learn from both and take the best of both.  But, I know that good is supreme because good is life and human beings have life. 

Maybe I am right all along.  Maybe being humble.  Maybe being single, saving money so I can help other people.  Maybe not chasing and wasting money on temporary pleasures but spending it instead on human welfare is the right thing to do.  I do have fun, but my type of fun is free. 

It’s okay if someone wants to be outwardly better than me.  It’s okay if I die tomorrow.  I am prepared for the worst because I should not worry about what happens tomorrow.  My influence is not the acute kind that gets people’s attention.  It could be, but my influence is more the chronic kind which makes slow but steady and long-lasting change. 

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Add: A person quoted my professor saying that if I am not getting into trouble, then I am doing something wrong as a social worker.  He tells me that social workers fight for justice.  That I should not run and hide when trouble comes.  He tells me it is unethical.  I told him I was following the law.  He said forget the law. 

To respond, this argument is similar to the poem “the stronger wind, the stronger trees” and what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.  It assumes that if I am not struggling, or in this case, getting into trouble, then I am doing something wrong.  In a viewpoint, the person is correct.  What allows life to grow is struggle.  To fight for truth and justice may require me to be in trouble.  But a fallacy he had is the assumption that I should always get into trouble.  Always getting into trouble will get me killed.  I need to pick and prepare my “troubles” carefully, not just jump into any troubles.  Take calculated risks and not blind risks.  The trouble the person is assuming is troubles for a good cause, not the ones for evil. 

In that particular instance, I feel getting into that “trouble” is not a good idea.  A better solution is to notify the authorities.  I may even vouch against notifying the authorities because what I am doing may be considered snitching to the participants.  Another solution, in combination with others, is to pray.  Praying may lessen and prevent these evil acts in unseen ways.  This behavior is given that I do not know the participants and I do not really know what is going on.  How do I know what is going on?  By gaining experience.  How to gain experience?  By staying neutral. 

Deeper than staying neutral is being wise.  Knowing the end result in the outcome and choosing the best behavior to have the best outcome.  The outcome is not limited to just the event, but the history of humankind. 

How about the law?  Laws serve as guides for people in what to do in typical situations.  But in extraordinary circumstances, the law may need to be bent or broken for the greater good.  Also, since laws serve as a guide, if a person truly understands the purpose and function of a law, the person may have the right to break the law.  An example of this is jaywalking across a street.  The purpose of the law against jaywalking is to protect pedestrians from getting hit from cars in unauthorized crossing areas.  However, once a person understands the purpose of that law, and finds circumstances where the law doesn’t apply, he can break the law.  If the person crossing the street carefully looks both directions and sees no cars coming, for example, the person may cross the street without the fear of being hit by a vehicle.  The law is broken but the person is still safe.    

PS: Actually, sometimes I go indirect (passive-aggressive), other times I take a more direct approach.  I don’t really know myself.  More often than not though, I use an indirect approach.  An indirect approach is not bad.  I consider praying, empathy-response actions, acting wisely given the situation, to be indirect.  Most problems are too big to be solved directly at once.

12/15/2013: Week in Review [Discovery]

12/15/2013: Week in Review

S: 6:14am

E: 8:32am

I want to start by saying I’m a little upset at myself.  My sleeping schedule is all messed up despite my effort to correct myself.  At one point this or last week, I would sleep at 7 and wake up at 7.  Sounds good, right?  Except that I would sleep in am and wake up at pm.  I went to the PX (military store) to buy sleeping and caffeine pills in an attempt to control myself.  I took the sleeping pills but, surprisingly, it had little effect on my body.  I cautioned myself on the use of drugs to control my bodily functions and I use it sparingly, only when I need to sleep because there is class the next day or a final.  The fast few days, thanks to social assignments, I would sleep at 5 or 6pm and wake up at 2am.  It’s better, but still. 

Research shows that people who drink alcohol lightly at a regular basis tends to have better health than non-drinkers.  I think the improvement has to do with the exercise the kidney gets when a person consumes alcoholic beverages.  So, last week, I went to my class six military store and brought a 30-can Budweiser pack.  I think to outsiders, they may think I’m buying it just to de-stress or to get high.  It would be awkward for them to know I’m buying it for health reasons, just like how a glass of wine is good for your body.  This thinking also goes along with contamination.  It is not healthy to live in a perfectly clean environment.  The body needs some contaminants to train itself to fight against hostile organisms.  We inject enemy cells into our bodies (vaccinations) so our bodies can fight pathogens more effectively.  By exposing our bodies, and our lives, to different things, we for the most part, enrich it. 

This brings to my next point: balance.  I am trying now to live a more balanced life.  Before, and I hope my professors don’t read this :( , I would spend an inordinate amount of time on games.  I had no balance, everything in my life was centered on computer games.  I already know it’s very unhealthy and despite my best effort to control it, I fail.  So now, I’m trying again.  I don’t know how to explain it exactly but I feel the more I try something and the more I try frequently, the more success I get.  So, playing game is just one aspect of my life.  When I feel I am spending more than my fair share on games, I would do something else.  I would pray, sing, play my guitar, read my textbooks, read my Bible, spend time with God, try to arrange time with friends, do physical exercise, try new projects, ect.  If I spent too much time on one thing, on games for example, I would tell myself that I’m done for the day, or at least, until the end of the day. 

Another issue I feel strongly about and would like to write is the issue of the existence of God.  I remember the song “有一位神” (There is a God) by讚美之泉 (Stream of Praise).  I do feel, by personal experience, that there is a God.

A few days ago, after I took my social work practicum final, I went to the UTEP Liberal Arts building with a few of my classmates to get some assignments done.  When I’m done with my work and was walking downstairs to my bicycle, I saw something like this:

I went down another flight of stairs and I saw the same poster again.  I couldn’t take it anymore so I took it out and put it in my pocket.  I feel angry at both the person who posted this and at the people who wrote on it.  For the person who posted this, I felt angry because the person lacked wisdom.  Regardless if it’s true or not, the person should not put this because the audience is not ready.  They will be hostile.  At least give them simpler food like “Jesus loves You” or “Happy Birthday Jesus!”  Second, even if the person puts those words, he or she still should refrain from posting it.  My university is not religiously-affiliated.  These religious doctrine, whether I agree or not, don’t belong there.  The person could instead put a new Christian club that is forming with Bible studies on this and this day.  I also have a feeling that the person who pasted this on the bulletin board had evil intentions.  He or she might have made this to provoke the students to attack Christ or to show how stupid Christianity is.  It is these bad examples from people with good or evil intentions that is giving God a bad smell.  Second, I also felt anger and hurt at the people who wrote on the poster.  Those negative comments can hurt people who adhere to that religion.  I believe people should have the freedom to believe what they want to believe, no matter how ridiculous, without persecution.  By persecution, I mean people should be free to believe without being treated negatively.  People are free to voice their opinions, whether good or bad, but they need to own their ideas.  Instead of writing “Your mom” or “God is dead,” they should write “I think it’s your mom, not Jesus” or “I think God is dead.”  By owning their thoughts, they are inferring that their words are their own and is not be believed as truth.  This concept is also used in conflict resolutions.  If the person on opposite sides begin with the words “I feel” or “I think,” they are deescalating the conflict because each of them are only sharing what they feel, not as all-including truth. 

In social work, I learned dominant and alternative paradigms.  Knowing this can help me defend against those who attack Christianity, or in general, on religion.  Traditional or dominant theories are theories that have made the most influence in the world.  Those beliefs include the use of science and the scientific method as the supreme source for information and knowledge.  In general, those paradigms are positivistic, objective, and quantitative.  Alternative paradigms, on the other hand, are theories or belief systems that have had currently less influence in the world.  These paradigms reject the notion that scientific, objective, positivistic and quantitative methods are the only or best way to further human knowledge.  They believe that knowledge can also be gained through subjective, intuitive, interpretive, and qualitative means as well (Schriver, J. M.).  I learned that paradigms are social constructs.  Each population in a society has their own unique belief systems. 

I believe that using science and concrete evidence is not the only way to prove that God exists (or not exist).  God can also exist in our hearts.  I believe in God because I experienced Him in my life.  It is subjective, true, because I cannot prove it on paper but I can still feel Him.  There is more that I want to write about this but, to continue, I need to study more.

Yesterday, I went to the morning UTEP graduation commencement!  I went there to experience new things.  I’ve been to a few high school graduations but never a college one.  I didn’t know what it is like.  I want to be prepared when I graduate in 2015, if God wills, and I don’t want to make mistakes in front of the camera.  The experience is typical.  I would clap for the graduates whom no one claps for.  The weather was so cold.  I bicycled there.  I was going to wear more but I also need to take the comfortable warm indoor temperature into consideration, so I wore long pants, a long-sleeved shirt with a T-shirt, and a balaclava.  My army balaclava is very nice.  For a small amount of fabric and space, it keeps my neck and face warm.  During dust storms in Kuwait, it also helps me to breathe and see.

After attending the commencement (I left early), I went to volunteer at the Boy and Girls club of El Paso.  My Student Association of Social Workers had an event there.  The entire event was also a challenge for me.  First, I bicycled there and got lost.  I used Google Maps and it told me to make a left on a street that wasn’t there.  So, I improvised and got there, praise God.  While passing, I passed by a bustling shopping district.  Perhaps one day, I’ll go downtown to shop.  I remember when I lived in Los Angeles, on occasion, my family would go to Chinatown in downtown to shop for unique items. 

Our task at the Boy’s and Girl’s club is to assist customers to select free toys.  The staff would give us a list which includes the number of children the family has.  Each family can select three toys (was two) for each child.  If the family elects a bicycle for that child, then those three toys goes to the bike.  Maximum one bicycle per family.  Each family also gets a pair of sandals and a puzzle.  We would escort the clients to a room filled with toys.  The toys are categorized by age and gender.  I will explain the rules to the member and have him or her select the toys.  We volunteers also carry the items they choose.  I remember one time, a customer selected a tarot board with cards.  The background of the box looks satanic and dark.  Even though I don’t really agree with the customer’s choice, I still included the item in the bag.  Client self-determination. 

One major difficulty I had was my inability to speak Spanish.  My fellow volunteers would brief me on words to say.  “Dos juguetes por niño.”  I took two semester of Spanish at UTEP but I still feel like I know next-to-nothing in the language.  If I have more discipline, I will study up on Spanish.  So here I am trying to explain to many of my clients in broken Spanish.  “Cuatro niños so doce juguetes.  Or you can get a bicicleta pero una bicicleta por la familia.”  I had to ask my other social work students for help.  During the selection, I would point and talk about the perks of various toys.  I feel like a car salesperson.  Overall, it was an exhausting, challenging, but fun event. 

I feel I’m writing a little too much so to balance myself, I will conclude for the day.  I try to write at least once a week but different things come up and that once a week sometimes becomes once a month.  But I will still try.