2015.7.13

2015.7.13

10:20pm – 10:35pm

It has been a long time since I wrote.  In a way, I don’t feel like writing anything but in another, writing helps me to improve my writing skills.  One reason why I became a good writer is because of writing this discovery. 

Why do I stop writing?  I feel it is many reasons but I don’t feel like writing about that now.

Today, at least right now, I just want to write about my thoughts and feelings and maybe my future me can read this. 

First off, all honor is given to God.  He reigns forever and ever.  Mercy and grace are His.  So is his love and kindness.  It is because of Him that I’m still alive. 

Lord, maybe I’m writing this discovery to you, maybe this writing is directed to you, I don’t know.  But, I want to be closer with God, to be closer to Him, to be in His presence. 

In my life, the only thing that matters is my relationship with God.  Nothing else should really matter.  But, that is not the case.  I am tormented, confused about my future.  Should I go west, or east?  South or north?  Or should I just stay here?  No, one thing I am sure of is I do not want to stay where I’m at.  Right now, I just want to spend time with God.  That is the only thing my confused body, soul, and spirit can agree on.  God.  Only one answer, one word: God. 

I’m confused, I don’t know what to do.  No, I need to rebuke that.  I need to rebuke that spirit of confusing.  I need to tell myself that I am not confused but directed, with a purpose, alert, that I know what to do.  I don’t know a single word for it.

Ok, let’s start with what I do know.  I know I need to love God.  I know I want to love God.  I know I want to spend time with God.  I know I want to help people.  I know I want to be healthy.  There is a pause in my thinking so I think that is what I really want.  That is it.  Everything else, career, family, love, pleasure, is clouded with doubt.

So, this is what I’m going to do.  I’m going to cling on the old rugged cross.  I’m just going to be with God and do what I know I want to do.  If I only do what I want to do, then my life will be worth it. 

But what about making a living?  Earning an income?  Commitments?  Those thoughts and things torment me.  I can’t do what I want to do completely because of them.  Can God rain down mana?  Can he rain down water or quail?  Yes He can.  Then what am I worrying about?  Then what about promises?  Maybe I can just tell them that I’m fasting.  No, if I do tell them that, then I really need to do that.  My God is the God of truth.  Then I’ll just tell them the truth then, that I need to spend more time with God.  It’s going to be embarrassing, it’s going to be hard, but it will be worth it.  Ok, I can do that then, but I will finish my immediate commitments.  I don’t have the heart to say no to what I said “yes” to before. 

God, help me.  I am ensnared by my past commitments.  By my past promises.  If these things suck up so much of my time, then I guess there is only one thing that I can do.  I will seek You for as much as I can.  Everything that is not needed for life or promises that I have made will be discarded.  As much of God as possible in my current state and as less of me as possible in my current state. 

I don’t know how much time I have.  I’m not happy with the free time that I do have, so, I’m going to have to make the best of it.  Sigh, I hate life.  Life sucks.  I just want to die.  Why am I still alive?  I’m alive because of God.  And I need to rebuke those words and thoughts.  No, God made life.  Life in His way is wonderful.  I will walk with Jesus and live my life in God. 

I’m so confused about so many things but one thing I am not confused in is to seek and spend time with God.  Lord, you saw this writing and blog.  May you help me.  Thank you God.

Jobs in heaven

2015.2.26: Jobs in heaven

S: 12:57am

E: 1:38am

I haven’t written anything for a long time.  There are a lot of reasons but I’m going to skip them. 

My main concern for this entry is about my situation. 

I feel this world is really like a caste system.  There are really no equal opportunities.  Getting a job depends on who you know.  Oh how I wish both the rich and poor have an equal chance of getting a job based on their dedication.  Not experience.  Experience makes things unfair.  It will not be unfair if there are entry-level jobs that can cover experience but there are none, essentially none.  All the jobs, it seems, requires you to know somebody.  Requiring people to know somebody is unfair because not everyone receives the same opportunities to meet people.  The privileged will meet more privileged and the poor and underclass will meet more poor and the underclassed. 

I feel so hopeless.  I’ll never get a job that shows my true worth.  I probably won’t get a job.  The world doesn’t understand that people need jobs to survive.  Why so much competition?  Why can’t there be guaranteed jobs for people who can’t find any other jobs?  That would be a start for a better society. 

I feel the kingdom of darkness and the ruler of this world wants me to feel hopeless, depressed, to wallow in self-pity, and what not.  But although I am suffering from these symptoms because I am human, I have emotions, I still will remember the One who created me and loves me.  Just because darkness is all around me doesn’t not mean God is dead.  No.  Just because I can’t see God or his help does not mean there is nothing I can do. 

I know God is love and He is the one who loves me.  Even if God never loves me again or gives me hope in this world again, still will I seek him.  I will say that I am doing no wrong and I am making no mistake if I raise my hands to God.  As long as I seek God, contrary to what this world is telling me, I will have a better result.  If that result is still death, then at least it is death with seeking God. 

I do not know how my Lord will be able to help me.  The odds are too stacked against me.  I lack experience.  I lack knowing the right people.  I may even lack some of the skills.  But, it doesn’t matter.  This world wants us to think that it matters.  To achieve them is unachievable.  Yes, they essentially are.  What matters is securing my eternal future by seeking and loving God.  Even if my life here on Earth will end, seeking Him is one of the best things anyone can do.  There is no such thing as too much of him.  There is no toxicity level with God.  If someone spends 100% of his or her time with God, I count that person blessed. 

Right now, I feel there is no hope for me.  I am being realistic.  A resume doesn’t cover everything about me.  There is more to me than a sheet of paper.  But most don’t know that.  They judge what they see. 

Perhaps it is a blessing that finding a job is so momentous for me.  It is a gift that stones are placed in my way.  I am starving, dying of thirst, to reach the finish line.  But what finish line?  The world’s?  I shall stop this race and pray and seek God.  I know contrary to what this world is telling me or what I am seeing, God can do anything.  He can lift a homeless man or woman up and have that person become a president, even the president of his or her country.  I believe that.  In the end, it is not man who decides, but God.  It is not man who determines his or her future, but God.  A man, regardless of his or her station in life, is only measured on one thing: how much that person loves God and through God, loves people.  That’s all.  If society really loves their fellowman, finding a job should be as plentiful as the streets of gold at heaven.  There should be employers begging people to come to this job.  People will not look, indeed, it will be already there! 

I guess this life I live.  I most likely will not live long.  Let not my eyes deceive me.  Let not the pleasures of this world confound me.  My life is but a breath.  I say, it is blessing to die because I can no longer survive if I spend my last days with God.  And because I do not know when my time will come, should not all my time be based for Him? 

If things continue in its natural state; if it continues in its natural law, then I will die soon and be with God.  I write “be with God” because that may or may not happen.  But what I will do, what will happen, is that I do my best to be with Him.  The secret of life is this: It is better to die than to live and see pain.  The joys of eternal rest outweighs the burdens of daily life.  Living may be a curse while death may be a release.  I have still not caught the essence of this.  Happier is the one who dies than the one who lives but suffers. 

But, to end this, I do know one thing.  Hope comes from God.  Love comes from God.  Grace comes from God.  Joy, happiness, prosperity, peace, and everything good, even sex, comes from God.  The one who seeks God is like one who is trying to cheat in this life.  This world hates cheaters, it hates those who circumvent these worldly ways.  The cheat in this life is knowing God and knowing him deeply, and loving him through life or in death.