2014.5.11 [Discovery]

2014.5.11

S: 12:09am

E: 12:57am

I’m feeling restless right now so I cannot sleep.  I’ve decided to write on my discovery.  I would like to write my discovery but a lot things get in the way.  Among them is games.  I really do feel games, mass media, TV, movies, all these things take away the potential in our lives.  It’s easy to indulge, to have excess, in them. 

Two weeks ago, I had a SASW (Student Association of Social Workers) meeting.  I remember afterwards, I was fixed on going home.  I recently changed my diet to one meal a day for health reasons and I want to strictly adhere to it.  On the way down, I thought about attending the Intervarsity Christian Fellowship but decided not to.  That is until J came out and saw me.  He told me join but I told him my plans.  Then he said something memorable.  He said something along the lines of  “Jesus is the bread of life.  What’s better than having spiritual bread?  Forget about eating.”  His words changed my mind.  I went there and had a good time.  Towards the end, we decided to go eat at Chipotle and Wingstop.  I had a struggle there too.  Part of me wants to go to hang out with them, yet, another part of me doesn’t want to go for financial reasons.  I waited until the very end before I decided to go.  I’m glad I went.  I was about to socialize and talk to my brothers and sisters.

By reading this, some people may think I no longer love God.  That is incorrect.  I still love God.  He is the reason why I’m still alive.  However, I spent most of my time with God alone.  I prefer it.  Well, part of me prefers group.  It’s hard to tell.

I’m facing a lot of struggles, a lot of insecurities, a lot of worries.  I don’t think I can make it.  If I can’t see myself succeeding, if I can’t see myself winning, then I will probably lose.  That is partly from like experience.  Of course with God, everything is possible, but.  But it’s hard for me to spend time with Him, even if I want to, even if my spirit wants to.  I just end up doing other things like playing games.  Although, I have to say, it is better than before.  I am able to get a lot of things done, but I still spend a lot of time on computer games.  I might have Internet Gaming Disorder as listed in the DSM-V.  Before the Army, it was severe, now, it’s probably mild or moderate.  I really hope it’s just mild.  I actually hope I can be cured.  I would play games for a stretch and then feel guilty about wasting time.  This causes me to have a time of productivity.  Then I may play games again and feel guilty again. 

I find my best time to worship, to talk to God, or to myself and this write this discovery, is at night.  There is something special in the end, in darkness, at night.  I kind of wish my room can be pitch black at will so I can spend time with God.

I love singing, I would sing at night.  It helps me drive away my loneliness.  I wish I was back in the Camp Arifjan in Kuwait.  Not the work, but the amenities.  Everything is local and safe there.  I remember walking or jogging at the half-mile track at night listening, singing, and praying to God.  I miss those times.  Now, I can’t just go out into the streets singing or praying.  It would be unsafe.  And when I do pray or sing aloud, I just whisper it with my earplugs on.  That way, soldiers would think I’m just singing along with my music when in reality, I’m praying to God.

   Ask God for help and ask God to send angels and ask God to change the evil into good (transfer).

I’m just going to write anything.  Anything goes.  :)  Sometimes, I can’t sleep at night because I’m restless.  I’m restless because I feel I’m not done with my day yet.  I feel a longing unfulfilled.  I’m happy that I can always just talk to God and myself.  That alleviates the pain a lot.  If I can’t talk to God, I would go crazy. 

That brings the question, why not I be more sociable.  The fact is, I think I am.  I make active steps to be with people.  I join organizations on campus, run for leadership, and make sure my days are scheduled around people.  But, there are times when, I don’t know, I want to be alone.  Sometimes I feel I want to be alone and not alone at the same time. 

When I talk on the phone about my life, some people tell me that I’m always negative, that they can see something is “not right.”  Like a horror movie, I would inquire and that person would say “I’m not saying something is wrong….”  I think the reason why I’m so negative when expressing myself openly is because life to me is so negative.  I try but life is still negative.  I try, with God, and life gets better, however, I cannot be with God all the time.  My heart and my flesh fails.  I am a realist.  I see my troubles, worries, and future and I don’t know if I’m going to make it.  Why should I try so hard on something and fail in the end?  That’s why many times I just seek God, talk to God. 

I don’t want to publish my blogs because people may treat me differently.  I’m still the same person as they see, I just have a different way of seeing things, but, all in all, I’m still normal to them. 

What do I really want?  I want God but, again, what do I really want?  I think it’s ironic that I write so much and talk so much to myself but I still don’t know myself very well.  Well, I do know myself, I just, am indecisive.  Actually, there are times when I don’t know myself despite my efforts. 

Jesus keep me near the cross,

There a precious fountain,

Free to all the healing stream,

Flows from Calvary’s fountain.

There are times in my life, thanks to God, that songs just come up to me.  I would hum, sometimes sing, or listen to them on my computer.  I have dreams but, at least at this time, I’m too weak to accomplish them.  I still try though, I still sing. 

I feel, there are times, like this, that I can talk to myself and to God forever.  Just as some people can sleep forever, just kidding, I like to sleep too.  :)  I feel if I can talk to myself enough, with God of course, I can resolve any personal or any problem.  Knowing that God is in control and that everything will be okay in the end calms me.  Should I move out of the United States so I can be safer from the end times?  Well, I already have eternal life.  I should not try to save my life but to lose it for Him.  I could add references (Bible book, chapter and verse) but I’m too lazy.  I understand and a Christian who understands the Bible should also understand it.

One thing that is kind of funny that I remembered is my 1-month Bible reading plan.  I made that plan, I recall writing it in my blog years ago, because someone said the world might end in 2011.  So, to prepare myself, I created a 1-month Bible reading plan using Excel that covers the whole book.  I divided up into different categories such as “history, law of Moses, the Gospel, Prophecy, etc.”  In the beginning, I made good progress, but I got further and further behind.  That plan I made was unrealistic.  I mean, it could be realistic, if I treat it like my finals and study 24/7.   That 1-month plan became a half-year plan which became a 1-year plan.  I remember I was so happy when I reached the half-way point.  I am still on that plan!  But, I am almost done.  I’m almost done reading the Bible.  I read it about in the Book of Revelations, You read it too….  I have about 15 to 20% left.  Yay!  Reading the Bible, the bread, is essential for every Christian and I try to read it every day. 

I don’t want to judge people because God will be judge.  I don’t want to say that they are wrong, well, if my conscience, which is from God, tells me that they are wrong, then maybe I should tell them, prudently and with love.  If I know, through wisdom/discernment, that they will take offence or it harms the future, then I won’t.  The prudent man keeps silent because the times are evil (Amos 5:13).  I don’t want to get revenge because it is the Lord who avenges.  I take revenge by crying out to God concerning the injustice. 

Ok, I need to go to sleep now.  Today is already Mother’s Day and I have church tomorrow.  It is 12:53am now so I probably would be late.  Sigh.  Whether late or not, I try to attend for God.  I know punctuality is important to some people but God sees the heart.  I already have my defenses.  :p  But no, my defenses comes from God. 

I am planning to publish and return back to public life, but I need reserves first. 

God loves you.  No, to say that might be offensive to some people.  Fine, I love you.  But no again, what if I’m lying?  Fine, I will try to love you.  Why?  Because my God is the God who tries.  :)

2014.4.10 An open-ended group [Discovery]

2014.4.10 An open-ended group

S: 10:48pm

E: 11:30pm

It has been a long time since I wrote a journal.  Why did I stop writing?  It is partly due to many reasons.  I don’t want to be judged and I don’t want to deal with the attention.  I’m busy with school.  I feel that my journals are just the same over and over again; that there is nothing new under the sun, at least my sun :).  Oh and many of my experiences have been negative and I don’t want to fill my blogs with negativity.  It’s not good for the tone.  :p 

But, I’m still going to write.  Even if it’s going to be a repeat or a spin-off of the past, I’m still going to try to share. 

Part of the reason why I don’t want to write is because people don’t completely understand me and they will prematurely judge me.  Only God fully knows me so I just talk to Him. 

I can say, at least partially, that I am feeling a little bit of compassion fatigue.  I feel stressed out but I do set limits and I let people or organizations know that I do say “no.” 

Many of the things I want to share are too personal or deep.  Too much self-disclosure, way more than two shovelfuls.  :p  But the purpose of this journal, of this discovery, of my story with God, is to share my life. 

I still get hit or hurt, despite the Army, by circumstances outside my control or at least by situations where I do not have full control.  It’s easy to blame the victim.  It’s easy to say that a person failed because s/he is too weak.  What many people don’t see is that the environment plays a huge factor on whether a person can succeed or fail.  Sure, there are a few exceptions.  A person raised in gang-riddled, unsafe, underclass neighborhood can still be doctor, but it will be much easier, in terms of willpower, for a person to become a doctor in a pleasant, Boardwalk neighborhood.  Put the same person in two vastly different neighborhoods and you will almost always get two different outcomes. 

To touch briefly, I applied to two legal assistance centers for my social work internship next year.  Personally, I feel I’m open to anything but if I have to choose, I guess those are my choices. 

I guess in life, it is just to love God and to love people.  I tried other measures but they all failed or I saw that it wouldn’t be as good as love.  Love never fails.  Of course I may fail because I’m not god but I will still do my best to love every day. 

This blog will be an open-ended group.  I may keep repeating myself because I feel it is important to me at that time.  My excuse for saying what I have already said is that I may have new members (that is, readers) in my group.  :p 

And also, the frequency of my journals may be irregular.  I don’t want to feel more stress that I have to write and I prefer to write when I feel like writing, like in the past.  So, this may be my last blog or I’ll have another one coming in five minutes (I highly doubt it).  :)

2014.1.26: Go Optimism! [Discovery / Bright Ideas]

2014.1.26: Go Optimism!

S: 11:10pm

E: 12:36am

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life….  Ok, I don’t mean to plagiarize.  I have this saying in its entirety pasted on my wall back in my room in Los Angeles.  This phase tells me the importance of a person’s attitude on their life.  How a person thinks, his or her outlook, plays a major part in that person’s life cycle. 

Due to its importance, it is critical for a person to have an optimistic way of thinking and outlook on life.  I want to be with optimistic people and to make optimistic friends.  I want to be with people who see opportunity at night and by day.  I want to be with people who see what is socially constructed as a “lose” or “win” to be a gain, a win, or an opportunity.  I want to be with people who see the glass as half-full first instead of as half-empty. 

Instead of people telling others that they can’t do this or that or being judgmental, I want people who instead ask “Let’s see what we can do.”  And, for goals that seem unreachable, I want them to say “Let’s look at some things we can do to help reach that goal.” 

For example, if someone wants to be like Bill Gates, instead of just dismissing that person’s dreams and aspirations by saying “that’s impossible,” I want people to instead say “OK, let’s see what we can do.”  That person can first learn how to use a computer.  Then, he or she can work on studying and getting a bachelor’s degree in Computer Science.  After that, the person can gain some experience by working for a software company.  After a while, once the person has more experience, he or she can team up or start their business alone.  If that dreamer is persistent, reevaluates his/her progress, and does their best, that person will be able to achieve as close to that person’s dreams as possible.  What I described is just one track or way that person can become like Bill Gates.  Then again, it depends on what that person defines Bill Gates as.  Does he/she want to be a great computer innovator or a rich man/woman?

Robert H. Schuller said that “I’d rather attempt to do something great and fail than to attempt to do nothing and succeed.”  Most successful people, if not all, have an optimistic orientation.  They believe in themselves and in their dreams. 

Being optimistic involves seeing all situations in a positive light.  One of the great Biblical figures who had bad upon bad handed to him is Apostle Paul.  Yet, he states, “When I am weak then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:10b).  He knows that in times of his weakness, of troubles, of tribulations or persecutions, he can more easily seek the One who is all-powerful and that he can learn and grow stronger from these windy experiences. 

In the Army I have soldiers tell me that they would just rather die than be me.  “Your life sucks” they say and they would point out all the obvious flaws and weaknesses that I have or may have.  But then, I thought to myself one day in the military, if I can be someone else, who would I be?  I looked at other soldiers.  They seem strong, knowledgeable about their jobs, and/or have many friends.  But I have one thing many of them don’t have: the ability to be with God.  I have God.  I can talk to God.  I can also talk to myself and problem-solve.  I told myself that if I can talk to God, then I can have anything.  So, I’m happy to be me.  I have the better deal. 

One of the foundations of social work is optimism.  Social workers focus on a client’s strengths and empowers the person or group to be all they can be.  The very fact that people try to help those who need help is a mark of optimism.  Pessimistic people might look at the homeless, or offenders, or in Jesus’ time, tax-collectors and sinners, and say “Oh they are homeless, they are hopeless” or “Oh they are offenders, there is no hope for them.”  But no!  We don’t give up on people because God doesn’t give up on them. 

Parents who are pessimistic can give a negative self-fulfilling prophecy to their children.   Children are naturally optimistic.  They would try new things.  They would draw, climb, taste, and do whatever that is pleasing to them or that is interesting.  However, if the parent tells the child, “Your drawing sucks, don’t draw,” or “You can’t even jump right, don’t bother playing basketball,” the classical “You won’t amount to anything” type of speech, then the child will not reach his or her full potential because he/she doesn’t know what their full potential is.  The child won’t try, won’t experiment what their mountain peaks are.  I feel it is safe for me to say that I am not born in an optimistic family.  One of my caretakers will use negative language to motivate me.  That person will say alternations of “You won’t amount to anything.”  That person will not encourage me to try new things.  That person will say I’m “stupid.”  My list is not exhaustive.  Thus, I am brought up in a negative mindset.  I would tend to see what I can’t do instead of what I can do first.  I would focus unduly on my problems and weaknesses instead of my strengths or what I can do about my problems.  I would get depressed a lot.  I am able to change my mind-set slowly by knowing Someone who is optimistic. 

I feel this world is very pessimistic.  People always look at the bad or assume the worse in people first.  Look at the TV shows, the daily news, or magazines.  People are attracted to negative things.  And then there are those people who are optimistic in making others pessimistic.  These people can be anywhere, in the real world or online.  They just seem to do their best in putting others down.  Those who experienced it will know what I mean.

I feel pessimism may be from Satan or the Evil One.  He will always try to discourage us.  He will always tell us, “No, you can’t do this; No you suck,” or “Why don’t you just die….”  God empowers but Satan disempowers. 

I’m happy to know that my God is an optimistic God.  The Lord is “patient… not wanting anyone to perish” (2 Peter 3:9).  He is optimistic that people will turn back to Him.  He sent his son Jesus to die for us in hopes that we can believe in Him.  "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13).

In writing about optimism, I want to note that optimism does not mean living in the skies all day and ignoring reality.  We do need to be a realist.  I would say our mindset needs to be 80% optimistic, 20% realistic, and 0% pessimistic. 

In this world, there will always be people who are pessimistic, but the only person who can truly be optimistic is yourself.  “And so it is with you… we are in charge of our ATTITUDES” (Charles R. Swindoll).