The Life Recovery Bible

3/17/2015: The Life Recovery Bible

11:44pm – 12:35am

            On an earlier session during my case management at DC, my resident, a female named Ms. P, asked if I have a copy of the Life Recovery Bible.  She told me she heard that it was very good.  I’ve never heard of it but I promised to her that I’ll find out and, if possible, give her a copy if I can find one for free. 

            Today, I received my order of a Life Recovery Bible.  I opened it and I looked at the footnotes and the addendums.  Boy, this Bible can heal the soul.  Almost every page in the Bible has lengthy footnotes through the lens of addiction and life recovery.

            I asked my intern supervisor about my client’s request and if it is possible for me to buy the book for her.  My supervisor told me, because it will conflict with social work values of giving gifts, I cannot do that.  I felt dejected.  Most people give gifts to gain favor.  I want to give gifts to heal. 

“But,” my intern supervisor told me, “you could donate it to the facility so that everyone has access to the book.” 

He told me that just giving her the book would be unethical because other residents would not be receiving the same gift.  I need to be fair for everyone.  I thought about this idea and I feel it is even better!  It is more macro.  Instead of giving it to just one person, I can give it to the whole facility! 

Yet, as I am reading the book today, I find that I need the book, too.  Bibles come in different shapes and colors and lens.  I have an Evidence Bible which specifically has commentary about evangelism.  That Bible is highly valued and treasured.  I have plain New International Version (NIV) pocket Bibles that I keep.  Now, I have a Life Recovery Bible which has commentary that focus on life healing, following the famous 12-step program.  I prefer Bibles with a specific lens.  I can read the commentary to gain further understanding and apply it to my life.  People keep guns; I keep Bibles.  :p

            Now I want to share the Bible.  I am keeping the one I brought, or perhaps I’ll order the normal-print version.  I ordered the large-print version because I know that many residents may have vision impairments due to their lifestyle.  And, I might donate one to the UTEP library.  I am surprised that I cannot find a copy of the Life Recovery Bible in the library search engine.  I also want to give to some of my fellow interns.  The insight that this Bible has pertaining to recovery is amazing. 

            Unfortunately, the resident that requested this Bible absconded or escaped.  Her counselor told me today.  She is now in San Antonio.  She told me she absconded probably because she relapsed and doesn’t want to have a dirty or positive urinalysis (UA).  In a way, this sucks.  On our session last week, Ms. P told me she would like to focus more on relapse prevention so I prepared it for this week.  This session would have been what’s needed to help her with her situation!  I included that the stages of relapse are emotional, mental, and then physical.  I included symptoms and tips on how to fight against relapse on each stage.  I also included myths.  Many people think relapse prevention is just saying no the moment the drug or other temptation is offered but that is incorrect.  That stage is the most difficult part.  The battle to relapse begins gradually, from the inside.  It starts with the flesh, with the mind, and the temptations that follow it.  A person checks pornography not because that person chooses it when the opportunity comes, but because the thought inside that person keeps nagging, keeps growing, keeps going unchecked.  Oh and before that, the desire that goes with pornography, perhaps the need to be loved, to have a relationship with someone special, is not satisfied.  There is a lack of self-care.  Eventually, the body and the mind wear out and the person gives in.  Dammit!  She missed the meat-and-bones of the treatment plan!

            Partially, it is my mistake.  My intern supervisor told me that I need to focus on the most important issue first, which in this case, is drug addiction.  If I work on other issues such as education or employment, if the primary front of drug addiction collapses, everything else will also collapse.  I covered other topics with her such as employment readiness and education.  I should have focused only on relapse prevention first.  I feel horrible.

            Yet, another part of me feels glad.  This unfortunate event is fortunate for me.  I have one less case to worry about.  I can focus on my other tasks.  But that thought is wrong.  Helping others, especially if I’m required to, should be a blessing.

To say again, and as reflected in my past, many times by helping others, you also help yourself.  Helping others should be a blessing.

Most Important / The worst Steven

3/4/2015: Most Important / The worst Steven

9:57am – 10:58am

I want to write something now, so people will think I’m a sucky writer.  I want to post my other blog but I don’t want people to get the wrong idea.

The client I had my case with, she knows she has a problem.  She knows she wants to change.  But it is the cravings that threaten to destroy her.  She knows what the dangers of addiction can cause.  I told her that.  We explained together.  It takes time away from other things.  Time is life.

Trying to help her, I am reminded of my own vulnerability.  I also have my cravings.  I’m not sure if I’m addicted to it but I do feel that I really want to play computer games.  Other people tell me oh I like to watch movies or oh I like watch TV shows but I always tell them that playing games is better.  Why?  Because you don’t just use your eyes.  You use your eyes, your hands, your mind, and sometimes, your heart.  And I’m not counting those games that just require manual dexterity.  I hate those games too, well, not really but I relatively suck at them as well.  I’m talking about games that require you to think.  Puzzles that bring a challenge and fun that this world cannot provide. 

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My transitional skills class I taught on Sunday.  It was supposed to be an hour and thirty minutes long.  I only taught for thirty minutes.  It was supposed to be about time management.  I did not talk about time management.  For a class like this, I need hours, probably five hours, to prepare, and even that, not fully.  I only had an hour and a half (depending since I was also making breakfast or lunch and playing games). 

Instead, I lied down on my bed and started thinking.  The self-help articles I read the day before helped me.  If I only have one hour to prepare, what should I do?  I thought about making a time management quiz.  I tried that, but, in the end, it didn’t work because it took too long and I wasted twenty minutes due to the effort.  I thought, if I only have limited time, I’m going to focus on what is most important.  Then, I remembered what my pastor at Ignite taught about time and purpose.  The sermon was so good that I actually took notes on my cellphone (yes, there’s an app for that :) ) and wrote them on my computer afterwards.  She said that if we are in our purpose then we will not waste time.  We will not waste time because we will always be doing what we are meant to do. 

So there I go.  I only have a little time left.  I want to use that time to teach what is most important.  Time management is just the tools.  If a person has no purpose or mission then time management is mostly useless.  I told myself half of time management is about knowing what to do, is about knowing your purpose.

So, I included these questions and points based from the sermon:

1) Seek God: The more you seek God, the more your life will be clear to you.  Air superiority- Spiritual world affects physical world.

2) What is most dominant in your mind?

3) What are you most passionate about?  What is your passion?

4) What do you pursue the most?

5) What releases your compassion?  Whatever releases your compassion is your purpose.

6) What makes you angry?  What releases in you a holy anger?

7) What can you do for free?  Whatever you find fulfilment in doing without getting paid.

I concluded the class with a quote, “The greatest tragedy in life is for you to live your life and not ever ever step into your purpose” and “stop wasting time, you are created with a purpose.”

I asked the class for any questions and comments and one resident raised his hand.  He told me the class today is very religious and there might be other residents that don’t share the same beliefs as me.  I anticipated his question but I still appeared to have trouble answering his question.  And, my eyes hurt.  Well, not hurt but sore and it’s been sore for weeks now probably because I spent too much time on my computer and lack of exercise.  I told him that I understand that other people may share a different religion and I respect that.  But, I said that almost everyone here probably believes in a higher power and that we are created and not here by chance.  The points I am saying is good and even if someone from a different faith hears it, they are likely to agree.  I’m not admonishing or giving them the judgment of God, but rather, the other half.  I’m giving them what people want to hear.  And, regardless of religion or faith, the questions of finding your purpose still has practical applications for everyone.  Lastly, I mentioned that the halfway house is named Dismas Charities and it is founded by a Catholic priest.  On saying that, another resident complained and said if this is Dismas’ mission, then Father Diersen  would be rolling on his grave.  I acknowledged his complaint and added that part of Dismas’ mission is to “heal the human spirit” (http://www.dismas.com/50-years-of-healing-the-human-spirit/) and that we might be doing a good job of it. But, I told him that this facility does have a mission and that is what matters.

Walking out, I felt this is the worse class I have taught.  I told the residents that I really have no experience with the offender population but that I am still trying and will do my best.  Well, do my best given my circumstances will be a better term.  But, I felt encouraged that when I told the class to write those purpose questions down, many of them did write it.  It may be my worse class but I felt I taught what mattered. 

If a person only has a few months to live, I wouldn’t teach that person math or social work.  I would tell that person about God and his grace.  I would focus on what is most important. 

S (first initial only), who is heading a women group after my class, asked me how it went.  I kind of avoided that question and talked about other subjects.  She was the one who “graded” my transitional skills class last week.  Since I came to Dismas early, she tipped me that she will attend my class.  Luckily, I had five hours to prepare for that.  I gave my class and we both agreed that it was great.  But, I should have added more interaction.  I see other interns with their classes and they all seem to mix with them more comfortably and effectively and there was more interaction.  All of them have more experience than me.  One of them was an offender himself and the other was a counselor and headed parenting groups in her workplace.  Not fair.  :(  :)  Funny how I went from my best to my worse class in a week.  Well, it may not be the worse class.  Only God can see and know that.  What matters is that I do my best and trust in Him and not let my cravings get the best of me.

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My grades in social work are inflated.  If this was a nursing program, I would have failed, again.  This week has been a death valley week for many of us, well, or maybe just me.  We have two major assignments due and I could barely do them.  I told C (first initials only) that I made kind of a promise to myself.  I will still do the work, I will still finish the race.  It may not be the best Steven or the good Steven; it may be the worse Steven, the depressed Steven, the sad Steven, but the work will still be Steven’s, it will be Steven-quality.  :p  And due to the stress, I forgot to turn in my SOAP assignment.  I just lost 10% of my grade.  :(  Yes, it hurts a lot to me.  But, I still did it anyways (basically, I wrote a draft in class but I forgot to type it and submit it to blackboard which pisses me off even more).  I asked my professor that even though I won’t get any points for it, or I hope I’m wrong, I still would like the feedback.  Thinking about this ordeal, I reasoned that my grades last semester are overinflated.  I felt I didn’t try as hard as other students but I still got good grades.  Maybe God is just judging me and balancing my grades out.  It still hurts.  I may not get good grades this semester.  But, I will still focus or try to focus on what is most important.