8/24/2014:

8/24/2014:

S: 2155 E: 0024

Q: How are you feeling right now?

A: I’m having mixed feelings.  I’m feeling many feelings at the same time. 

Q: Could you share on some of them?

A: Those that are unclassified, I can share.  Most of my thoughts are unclassified anyways.  Except a few.  You need to have secret or top-secret clearance for that.  :p  And, so far, nobody has that.  Well, except my mom, she has secret clearance.  :)  But top-secret,  nope; I don’t have a bff. 

Q: So..

A:  Tomorrow is my first day of Fall school.  It is my last year at UTEP and I also will be doing my internships.  Tbh, I’m not really optimistic about my internships or my schooling.  I just don’t really feel the passion anymore.  Well, I do feel the passion, I do want to help people, but it’s just passion in life in general.  But, thanks to the Army and God (?), I’m just going to continue and finish the race.  I might be walking to the finish line or sprinting, but what matters is I will try to finish it, which is unlike my pre-Army life. 

I have a lot of wants that are unfulfilled and it is making me depressed.  I do try to be more sociable and I am making effort and progress in that domain.  Being sociable has always been a struggle because my natural state, since childhood, is to be alone in front of a computer. 

Q: Can you talk more about your “passions?”

A:  Hope delayed makes the heart sick (Proverbs 13:12).  Dreams not achieved or seemingly impossible gives me sadness and depression.  I do feel a lot of my longings are unattainable.  I kept trying and I try new ways, but still, they are out of reach.  Of course, I’m logical.  I think of steps, of plans, to reach them, but the end result is the same.  Now that I’m writing this, I think I lack the willpower in many of my pursuits, that perhaps had I been more determined, I might have made more progress.

Q: Alright, so you can try to be more determined?

A:  That is not easy.  To be determined requires passion, however, passion ebbs and flows.  It is hard to be determined in seasons of drought.  Another thing I remembered that plagues me is indecision. 

Q: Indecision?  Could you explain?

A: To reach a treasure or goal, one has to plan and have the determination to reach it.  However, I sometimes struggle with something even more basic: whether my supposed treasure or goal is even that. 

I feel it’s kind of ironic because I try to know more about myself.  I write these “discoveries” since 2000.  I’m kind of an intrapersonal person.  And yet, I still don’t know if the treasure or goal is really that. 

Q: What is keeping you from knowing yourself or knowing what your “treasure” is?

A: Good question.  I think a lot of it has to be because I don’t spend a lot of time with myself anymore.  By “time with myself” I mean time where I can really understand and know my true feelings and thoughts.  Much of my alone time is spent on computer games.

Q: So you think computer games is the culprit? 

A:  Although I do spend a lot of my time on other necessary things, yes, computer games sucks away the time I could spend on knowing myself more.  However, even with my gaming habit, I still, daresay, that I spend more time talking to myself than most people. 

Q: What do you talk about?

A: My internal dialogue nowadays has a lot of hopelessness and sadness.  Of anger.  Anger at myself, the world, and God.  I’m also a realist.  I see my goals and I try to make plans for them, however, it is difficult, if not impossible, to make plans that is doable for me.  And other times, I’m so far behind in certain areas that just catching up, never mind getting there, is depressing enough. 

Q: That seems to be handful.  So how are you going to combat this?

A: My only way to combat this is to do the only way I know how.  Best-evidence.  It is to just keep trying and not give up, even if it seems everything is hopeless. 

Q: Why do you think everything is “hopeless”?

A: Because I cannot reach my dreams and goals.  They seem impossible for me.  I struggle with even identifying what should my dreams and goals should be.  Should I try to get a girlfriend or not?  Do I even need a girlfriend, for example?  One thing I am clear on is I want to make money, obviously, so I can survive and help others in this evil world.  And, should I successfully identify my goals, when I start planning them, they seem difficult if not unreachable. 

Q: Why do you think it’s “unreachable”?

A: By unreachable, I mean steps that might not succeed.  Steps that don’t have a guarantee.  Steps that require other prerequisites, which is difficult for me to reach in itself.  They are steps where I could try, even do my best on, and still fail. 

Q: Then the solution would be to break those steps into smaller, doable steps.

A: Heh, good idea.  But, as I said earlier, even those smaller steps might be difficult.  And opportunity too.  I might want to reach a goal, but if I lack the opportunity, opportunity that is independent of me, I cannot do it. 

So, I feel the best plan for me is to continue to improve myself.  To improve my basic skills.  To work on skills that are important in this world.  I try to exercise daily, to be more sociable, to take advantage of opportunities.  For example, if there is a 5k Stephanie Olivo Memorial run advertised by one of my social work students, I can go there.  By the way, I went to that run (on Aug. 23, 2014) and got 1^st place (in my age group).  The medal is kind of meaningless because there are few runners.  Everyone practically earned a medal.  In my age group, 20-29, for example, there are only 2 runners.

That 5k run is memorable because it is my first successful 5k run since 2010, when I was in Kuwait running the Wounded Warrior 5k run.  I did register to run for the Tour de Tolerance in 2012, but I woke up late and by the time I got there, the runners are already finishing.  They wouldn’t let me join.  But, I do get to cheer for them and hike on the holy Mount Cristo Rey trail.  There were a lot of people.

Anyways, as I said, the best plan is just to prepare for opportunities.  To improve my body, soul, and spirit.  However, there is a problem with that approach.

Q: Oh?  What is the problem?

A: Many times, my desires and longings get in the way.  It feels like in order for me to improve myself, I need those things I long for.  It is like a circular tragedy.  Yet, in order for me to get the things I long for, I need to improve myself. 

For example, getting a girlfriend.  In my experience, to get a girlfriend, I need financial stability, education, and the usual personality and character similarities.  Yet, to get financial stability and education, I need a girlfriend.  It’s too difficult to do it alone.  I need the morale.  I need someone to talk to; someone to share my burdens.  It’s similar to a poem I wrote in high school:

I need a girl to talk to me.

I need a girl to set me free.

I need a girl so I can see.

I need a girl to talk to me.

Cause, I need a girl who really loves me.

I need a girl to sleep with me.

I need a girl to play with me.

I need a girl so I can breathe.

-

Ok that was pretty embarrassing, but I feel it illustrates my point.  By the way, just because of writing this, I wrote another entry that has some of my love poems/songs that I wrote in high school.  I am planning to share them someday. 

So, basically, it’s too difficult for me to continue to struggle, to get an education, a degree, a job, money, happiness, etc, without someone to love, without someone to back me up, without someone to continue in my journey with.  But, in order to get a girlfriend, since I tried, I need the very things that I need.  It’s circular, it’s depressing, there’s no way. 

Q: But Steven, you don’t really need a girlfriend.  You can get an education, etc, on your own.  Just be motivated.

A: I think anyone can testify the support that a loving relationship can bring.  Of course, if I have the iron will, I can achieve these things alone, but it is much easier if I have a soulmate to support me. 

Q: Ok Steven, but I think you might be wrong on the expectations of girls.  They don’t just look at the outside, at money, education, or fame.  Having the inner loving qualities matters too.

A: That’s what I thought as well.  But, so far, my experiences prove otherwise.  I’ve seen, in the military, so many gold-diggers (no offense to UTEP :p) that basically only stay with their husbands just for the benefits.  On online matching-making sites, most, if not all, of the women there want a man with the education and income.  I tried to converse with them but they wouldn’t talk to me because I didn’t meet the “qualifications.”  They didn’t even give me a chance. 

However, I understand that not all girls are like that, but in a culture that values the American Dream, many women place at least some weight in these earthly areas.  And as long as there is some influence, the playing field is unbalanced.

There is another reason, probably, why I can’t find a girlfriend.  It is because I am naturally shy and afraid of rejection.  Being alone most of the time, such as in high school, contributes to it too.  But I am making much effort in this area.  While in the Army, I did confess my love to a girl.  But, she flat out rejected me.  I kept trying to send her messages and even guitar songs, but she then blocked me.  Of course I made mistakes, I’m new to the mating game, but it hurts.  Nowadays, all the girls I show interest in already have a boyfriend.  But, I’m still trying.  Then, there are times when I feel being single is better, going back to my lack of clear goals. 

So, all these factors play a role.  There are debates all within me on what to do and many have not been resolved. 

So, being the social worker as I am, I need to continue to know myself more, to make my goals and decisions firm.  Then, to improve myself.  When troubles come when reaching a goal due to lack of “support” (i.e. girlfriend), I guess there’s nothing I can do about that but to just endure and do the best that I can.  I can also continue to seek opportunities, especially when it comes to matchmaking.  I need to take more risks, to try new things.  I need to be able to think clearly when under stress. 

All these things will be difficult for me to do.  Then, I just remembered another thing.

Q: What is that?

I’m getting tired, the time is 11:44pm now and I need to sleep, but to finish this, some people tell me that I also need to be more assertive. 

Q: Isn’t being assertive a good thing?

A: Yes it is, but I also value being myself.  I value being true to myself, to be honest to God, myself, and people.  This is one of the reasons why I wrote these discoveries.  If I feel sad or depressed, I don’t want to fake it to the world.  I don’t want to deceive others or myself.  And part of me is a realist.  If I think something is hopeless or extremely difficult, I will tend to be sad.  Hopelessness may also be part of my childhood, so it may be part of my nature.  Basically, if I feel sad, I will be sad.  If I feel happy, I will be happy.  I don’t want to lie to the world or myself.  I feel it is more important to stick to my principles than to compromise them to gain something.  But, I’m changing, I don’t know anymore.  Maybe I could try a “fake-it-till-you-make-it” approach.  Maybe I should be deceiving, to pretend that everything is good and happy, just so I can get treasures in this world. 

Q: I can see that you are tired.  Maybe we can talk about this later.

A: Sure thing.  I write what I feel anyways.  Good night everyone and thanks for reading.