8/20/2014

8/20/2014

S: 12:42am
E: 1:52am

There’s of course plenty of topics that I can write, however, I’m only going to write about a few of them.

I feel I screwed up.  I messed up.  I don’t think it’s really fair.  I didn’t do anything that deserves this predicament.  I mean all I do is play games, that’s it, and a little side of questionable activities.  That’s it. 

Now I realize how important networking and connections are.  I mean I already know it is important, but it’s hard to be in the groove, should I say.  They don’t just come to you and even if I look for it, I still don’t get it.

Ok, reality check.  So far, I can only think of one person who can give me a recommendation or fill out those tedious recommendation letters.  I mean I do have a few, if I think about it, but they owe me nothing.  It stinks that after a few years, or a few months, connections with people fades.  The person who can give me a recommendation two years ago probably will have a harder time due to the passage of time.  I have three graduate schools I’m planning to apply.  My strategy is to have one graduate school for safety, that is, a school that I can have a safe bet that I’ll be accepted, and two others that I think are challenging.  Each of these three schools requires 3 recommendations.  So, 3 times 3 is 9.  I need nine recommendations!  I don’t want to bother 3 people 3 times for each recommendation.  Sigh, so stressful. 

Take a look at my case.  I spend most of my time alone.  I don’t work.  I used to volunteer.  I mainly just focus on my studies.  I am in my social work club but I haven’t met any professionals there.  The few times I attend my Christian club I haven’t met professionals.  Just students.  I used to go to church but I stopped going partially because they discriminate against me.  I can feel it, Asian-sense.  So I really don’t have much people I can ask.  My dad tells me I am the kindest and smartest person in the world but family doesn’t count.  So what is someone like me supposed to do?  Time passes, people don’t remember me anymore.

I feel this recommendation bullshit is also biased towards those in poverty.  They have fewer connections and have less time to build “professional” connections.  They probably spend most of the time working. 

Oh and my dad told me what about the military?  Military doesn’t work either.  The change-over is too great.  If I were to go to Fort Bliss right now, I will not recognize 99% of the soldiers there, let alone my old supervisors.  I tried it.  We are talking about a 50% retention rate per year.

Tbh, I feel people think I’m just a piece of shit.  Some person they are forced to take care of.  Like trash.  Just because I’m still single doesn’t mean I am shit.  I feel the notion of family (traditional family) is shit too.  It is an archaic glorification of the frontier age.  The frontier is gone.  There is no more space for the human population to grow.  More people creates more competition.  Competition for resources, land, jobs.  Nations are fighting each other to sustain their demand.  Completion brings out the ugly side of human nature.  The end is coming.

Space used to be the “final frontier” but the funny thing is the United States doesn’t even have a single working shuttle.  And as science catches up to the truth, colonization in space is more difficult than it seemed. 

But then again, why should mankind spread more evil in the universe?  The greater the human population, the greater the atrocities. As C.S. Lewis said, “Let's pray that the human race never escapes from Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere.” 

I have many things I can write, with the exceptional logic God has given me.  It doesn’t require any degrees or PhD’s. 

 Technology is useless.  No, it is negative.  Why is it negative?  Well, technology is not good or bad in itself because it is simply a modifier.  Like the tractor is more productive than the plow.  However, human beings can be good or evil.  Evil to destroy the world.  Good to improve the world.  However, the natural law states that it is easier to destroy than to build.  Evil will have more influence.  Now we have nukes.  Evil people can destroy our world.  More on this on another blog later.  I already started it.

One of the earthy wisdom is correct.  That a good beginning usually means a good end.  If someone has a good start, that person is likely to also finish well.  However, if someone messes up or made mistakes, it’s doubly hard for that person to catch up.  You dig yourself in a hole, you have the fill the hole up first before you can start on your mountain.  If someone gets bad grades in high school, that person will have a difficult time to even get into college.  His or her career will be affected, and so forth.  Bad beginnings carry more weight than anywhere else.  It also leads to depression, which just spirals a person down even more. 

I’m starting to think my experiences in the Army is just a placebo effect.  Put anyone in a difficult situation and he or she will start seeking the supernatural.  Even atheists may start praying if they are about to die.  I seek God and, somehow, I was able to survive.  That somehow is because my spirit grew stronger to overcome deficiencies in my body and soul.  I was stupid and weak in the Army.  That spirit-soul-body notion makes sense. 

Right now, I’m seeing religion as simply a conduit to the Creator.  Different religions have different conduits to the Creator, some more accurate and some less.  Christianity is a conduit, as is Islam.  Religion is man’s way of seeking God.  I feel I’m more of a theist now.  The universe had a beginning but I feel, so far, there is no one true religion.  Yet, new religions, sects, branches, denominations, etc, evolve in an attempt to seek the Creator more perfectly.  Like when Winston Churchill said that democracy is the worse form of government except that all other forms have already been tried.  There is no pure answer yet, and there probably never will be, but each new development in religion may lead to a closer answer.

Looking at human psychology, I can see that many people have a desire for destiny.  They want to achieve something big but if they can’t achieve it in acceptable or good ways, they may do it in negative or evil ways.  As an expert I read once said, “They know it is better to a somebody than a nobody.”  Look at Columbine, Sandy Hook, terrorist bombings, the subway stabbing in Taiwan (when the perpetrator said he wanted to “do something big”), etc.  These people go out with a bang.  Yes, it is evil, but there may be circumstances that lead to it.  Look at Hitler.  Perhaps some people try to be successful, to be accepted, to be a somebody but fail miserably in acceptable ways.  Then, because humans have a desire for greatness, more than their desire to be good, they become a notorious evil person.  Why do people join gangs?  Or do dangerous things?  Many people also have a Samson Option if their lives fall apart. 

Ok, it is 1:38am now.  I really do need to be sleeping.  To me, I feel my life is a tragedy.  To quote JJ Heller, and “it’s driving [me] down to my knees.”