If I don’t know what to do….

10/29/2015: If I don’t know what to do….

10:26am – 10:57am

In this world, nothing is permanent; everything is temporary.  The only thing that is permanent; the only thing that is everlasting, is God.  Right now, I am focusing on whether I should move or not; whether I should stay or go.  If I move, I will live closer to my church and my workplace, but, there are contraindications (I was looking for this word, I need to use this in my daily vocabulary).  The church may move, further east.  My workplace will move, a little to the west.  Well, I told myself that those changes should be acceptable and by moving, it will still make going to these places easier.  But, what if I were to move again?  What is the cost of moving?  What is my cost?  I wish I could be more portable.  I wish I can fit the biggest furniture in my car. 

Moving in one day or two is stressful.  I plan to move in the space of a month.  That way, when I go to work or church, I can just stop by and unload my belongings.  It will cost more, yes, but I will have less stress.  Then what about the big stuff: the bookshelves?  I could unscrew them and “fold” them to set it up once I move there.  What about my bed and the wooden base I put on top so I can sleep better?  That, I will have to ask for help and I believe that God will give me the grace.  So, in the end, it’s just the bed.  That’s just the moving part, part of the one-time charges part (I use “one-time charges” because I use them in my workplace). 

Then, there is another factor to consider.  Whether I plan to stay at my workplace.  If I really am focused on my goals, to be self-sufficient and to make money, then I would quit my workplace and go full-time study.  But, what about my finances?  Well, I can ask my family.  I can use government loans.  I can use my GI bill, just like in the past.  But, there are contraindications to that as well.  My GI bill isn’t going to cover if I have to study for more than 2 years.  I will increase my student loan debt.  And asking for my family for help, still, is akin to begging and freeloading. 

An alternative is to work part-time and study part-time.  But, if I do that, my education costs will go up in the long-run.  Parking permits, library fees, charges that my university has that make taking part-time classes less advisable.  But, I do have a boon.  I renewed my residential parking permit which allows me to park in the vicinity of UTEP for a year. 

Another alternative is to go postal.  Just kidding, I don’t mean by that.  I meant to go into the postal service.  I’ve always considered that and I did look for job availability in El Paso.  Unfortunately, there was none at the time I looked.  Funny thing is, within a few weeks of applying at my call center job, I happen to see on the news that there are openings available (And I don’t watch TV).  I could just study for my postal exam, the 473 possibly.  While there are no openings in El Paso, I can use this time to just study for the exam.  But if I do that, then I might have to kiss my enrollment at UTEP (for the second time) goodbye.

Then another factor is the talent that God gave me, which is in computers.  So, perhaps I should just go back into school and get at least a bachelors in a computer-related field. 

I need to stop worrying about missing my potential and all that.  No, God will give me grace.  My potential is found in God alone. 

I even thought about moving elsewhere for better job prospects, but, I found that me and my church are inseparable.  “We are living in the end times,” my spiritual mentor told me.  “You need to attend a supernatural church.” 

So, decisions and decisions.  What to do and what to do?  I have a saying that I made myself in the past that goes, “If I don’t know what to do, I will worship You.”  Maybe I should do that.  And, in the meantime, move closer to my supernatural church.  

Grace Wins

2015.10.23: Grace Wins

12:27am – 12:43am

This six hour schedule is nice.  It allows me to balance the stress of work.  However, I do get one less 15-minute break, which stinks.  I do, however, get a 30-minute lunch instead of a 60-minute one. 

My supervisor today still thought I worked the nine hour shift, lol.  But he quickly corrected himself.  I have a feeling he won’t make the same mistake again.

I have worked full-time for about a month now and it is just too stressful for me, so I opted for 6-hours instead.  6 hours is still tough, it is no piece of cake, especially with customers who want to take cakes from you. 

But, praise God, I am able to deescalate customer’s calls thanks to God’s power.  I was going to just say “power” but where does power come from?  It comes from God. 

I told myself to write every day, to keep a journal daily.  This is my attempt.  In a way, it is easier since I already got into the practice of writing.  But, the more I write, heh, at least for now, the less I will share.

Or maybe I’ll share it later, sometime later in my life.  When I look back at my life, at my diaries, at my journals, at my discoveries, perhaps I can achieve something. 

------------------------------------------------------------  To have intimacy without shame.  I write that, but what does “intimacy without shame” mean?  I guess I want intimacy without fear.  I want intimacy with security, with peace, with love.  Right now, I can only say it seems.  Every negative thing I see in my life will be “it seems,” but every positive thing will be a certainty.  It seems my life is a failure but God has a hope and a future for me. 

I am going back to school.  I must always move up and not be stuck at where I’m at.  I must always try to reach my potential.  With God, who is stronger than people, I will achieve it. 

Many times in my life these days, I feel like I’m getting reports from the twelve tribes of Israel.  When Joshua sent twelve spies each from the twelve tribes of Israel, ten gave a negative report while only two gave a positive one.  And what does the people believe?  They believed in the negative one.  I feel my life is similar.  Ten of my spies give me negative reports.  They tell me life is too hard, that I’m not going to make it, that I will get hurt, that I shouldn’t be too trusting and loving and forgiving.  However, the two spies in my life tells me that as long as I trust in God, He will take care of me.  That with God all things are possible.  That all things are possible through God who strengthens me.  That God has a plan and a future and a purpose for me.  That God still loves me.  That grace wins in the end. 

I love Matthew West’s song “Grace Wins.”  That song tells me that grace and guilt are battling in my mind but grace will win in the end. 

There’s a war between

Guilt and Grace

And it’s fighting for

A sacred space

But I’m living proof

Grace wins every time

I need to pray and pray and pray for others and pray for people and pray for myself.  I am still in my 30-day relentless for God.

Ok, I don’t want to write too much.  I need to sleep now.  The exception is if I choose to seek God.  Either worship or pray or read for God.  For God.  Only God.  He is my exception. 

God, I have so much stress in my life, but please guide me and help me.  I’m… I need your help.  The only comfort, the only victory I get, is when I spend time with God. 

Grace for Rest

2015.10.21: Grace for Rest

2:21am – 2:31am

Blessings to God.  He gave me grace today.  Right now, I’m also listening to Christian music.  Music from before the Army.  Music from during the Army.  And music from after the Army.  Music from Ignite.  So many musical influences in my life. 

I asked for a lighter burden because I cannot handle the stress.  I was almost close to quitting.  To resigning.  That call center job, it’s just too difficult and stressful for me.  But, I was able, with God, no, with God I was able, more credit to God and less to me, to still have that job.  My plan now is to continue to go to college and earn my second degree in computer science.  I must never stop growing.  I must never stop striving.  I don’t care about my circumstances.  God will find a way. 

But even with the lighter load, it wasn’t as light as I expected.  I wanted only 4 hours a day for work but instead, I got 6.  I wanted Wednesdays off but instead, I have to wait for at least a few weeks before I will be able to change my schedule to having Wednesdays and Saturdays off, working from 2-8pm.  This is good news.  I will be able to attend both Sundays and Wednesdays supernatural services.  The only thing is I won’t be able to attend the HOP and the Fridays youth service.  I also enjoy having the two days off spaced.  Having them together limits the therapeutic healing for me. 

So, to write every day like my aunt suggested, this is my entry for today. 

I must still seek God and follow my “experiment.”  Three strikes and I haven’t messed up yet.  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------  But, I have been spending time in the “gray areas”.  I have been spending time on politics and about Russia, China, and the United States military-wise.  Why do I waste so much time on those things?  I should just seek God.  God will take care of China, Russia, and the United States.  And Israel. 

Thank you God.