2013.12.29
I don’t feel like writing right now but a lot of things have
happened that obliges me to write. I
write for both myself and my readers so I cannot write too personally. Well, I think the things I write about are
personal anyways but it won’t be too personal.
I think now I understand firsthand why only a special
interviewer can interview a child at the Child Crisis Center. Nobody else can talk to the child about what
happened. I have to talk to many people
about why and how I feel and why I missed going to church for so long. Saying and repeating things over and over
again tires me and diminishes the quality of my story. I could look to the good side and say that,
by telling the story numerous times, I can be impromptu and tell a unique
version of my story every time. But, the
quality will vary. Or, I can just write
this blog and refer people who ask to here.
Just kidding.
Recently, I feel lonely.
I feel like nobody loves or cares about me. I feel like a loser. So, in my distress, I called a Christian
brother, and some sisters. I’m glad they
took the time to listen and to help me.
Before I continue, I want to say that I find it difficult to write. I just don’t feel like writing even though I
want to. I think whether a person feels
or not to feel to do something is like opportunity. If a person capitalizes on the opportunity,
then that person gets a bonus to whatever he or she feels like doing. I’m writing mostly because I have to write
because I am trying to write at least once a week. I used to write more in my heyday but it ebbs
and flows. I want to thank Jesus for
helping me and providing for me even though there are still many things I don’t
understand. I also find that it takes
time for me to “retool” to focus on something.
For example, if I am playing computer games and someone calls me, then I
won’t be as effective answering the call.
However, if that person were to text me “call me soon,” then I have some
time to adjust, drink some water, use the restroom, do some exercise, and try
to focus on the task ahead. I practice
this concept in the military as well.
When I’m on my computer or sleeping and then someone knocks on
everybody’s door because it’s time for barracks maintenance, I don’t go out
right away. Doing so will cause me to be
dazed and I won’t be able to do a good job.
Instead, I stop what I’m doing and I take a short break. Then, I come out and join the rest of the
body to clean. This practice helps me to
focus on the task ahead and to prepare for the unexpected. If it’s really last minute, like if someone
calls me, then I would take a few breaths and then answer.
Let me start by writing why I don’t (or used to) go to
church. Today, I finally came back to my
Chinese church in El Paso after a long abstance. The reason why I came is not really because
it’s the last Sunday of the year but because I wanted to see a sister in that
church who comes back to visit from college.
I feel the reason why I don’t go can be blamed on both myself and the
church. To start with the church, I
feel, and this is how *I* feel, the church members as a whole don’t really love
or care about me. I feel alone in the
church many times. I feel like I can’t
connect with most of the church members.
I reasoned that since it’s a small church, I should be able to get to
know everyone. By small, I mean about
70-80 members on Sundays on average.
But, a church brother told me that I won’t be able to make friends or get
to know everybody really well. Just
making a few close friends from church is good enough. However, I told him I lacked even that. I mean, I do have friends, but I don’t talk
to them a lot every week. Most church
members are just on a “hi” and “bye” basis.
You know, I tried to add some structure for this blog but I feel it is
preventing me from writing, so I will just write what comes to mind. On other words, I will write more
randomly. It’s kind of like me talking
on the phone. I would talk about one
thing and then that one thing may lead to another unrelated topic. Sometimes I ask myself how did I get
there? I do want to make friends. I do want to be with people. I am still introverted but not extremely
because I spend a lot of that time on things that I don’t want to do. For example, I love computer games, but, I don’t
want to play it because I would rather do something that is more
important. I would rather spend quality
time with people than to play my games.
And for friends, I don’t really want to make guy friends. I want to make girl friends. Why?
Because I want a girlfriend. I
want intimacy. I want to be able to talk
to someone intimately and to share my life with her. My church members gave me some useful advice
today. They told me that I should first
make girl friends before I make a girlfriend.
Ok, I really don’t feel like writing but I tried and I will continue
later. It’s not like a final paper or
something that I *have* to write.
12/30/2013
E: 3:42pm
I wrote this on Faithbook and I thought instead of
reinventing the wheel or telling my story yet another time, I can just share
this:
Yesterday, I finally went back to church after a long
time! I was afraid to go back because I
don’t want to lose face. People there
may ask where have I been or why have I ditched them. But, I decided to go thanks to phone conversations
with my church youth brother and sisters. I stopped going for many reasons, both
internally and externally. Internally, I
was depressed. I was frustrated and
stressed out by life events at that time.
I also didn’t want to go to church.
I see it was a waste of time because of external reasons. Externally, I stopped coming because I felt
my church members don’t really love or care about me. I have trouble making connections and relationships
with church members despite my effort to try and talk to different people when
possible. I also feel like there wasn’t
enough time to bond with them. Only on
special occasions like Easter or during lunch do I have the opportunity to talk
to them. Language is also an issue. Many members are fluent in Chinese but
not-so-good in English. For me, it’s the
reverse. So, I couldn’t really
understand them and they couldn’t really understand me. Finally, I felt the church leadership hampered
my desire to serve God. There were times
when I wanted to teach or say something meaningful but was discouraged or told
to wait.
Going to church should be to fellowship with God and with
people. However, if I couldn’t really
fellowship with people, what is the point of going to church? I can just worship and pray to Him in my
room. God sees, He knows the heart, He
will be the judge.
I am going to try again going to my church. I talked with a few people yesterday about
these issues and I got some insight.
First, it’s impossible for anyone to make friends with everyone. It would be more realistic to just make a few
good friends. Second, I am going to try
again differently. I’m going to be more aggressive
or proactive in getting the things that I want.
I felt I didn’t get what I want because I was too soft, passive, and
afraid. Third, I’m going to start
hanging out the power group. Before, I would
usually hang out with the youth or with people who seem to be alone. But now I realize, a likely factor of why things
are so frustrating for me at church is because I didn’t hang out with the right
people. I need to sit next to deacons,
elders, and the like so I can also have some power and influence. It’s sad, but politics plays a big part in
this world.
One thing I know for sure is I will still put God
first. Whether my plans succeed or not
depends on God and my willingness to follow Him. I want to do His will. I will try to be more active on
Faithbook. So yeah, I’m trying to learn
from my mistakes and to try again.
-
A lot about life is about power and as a future social
worker, our task is to empower our clients, to give our clients more power so
they can better themselves. Right now,
to exaggerate a bit, my church is just run by a few old men. They are the ones who call the shots. True, church members can vote but the
majority of the voice is from them.
This issue of power depresses me. It is like a big rat race that everybody is
on. The only comfort I find is that an
all-powerful and an all-loving God loves and cares about me. He will judge the world in the end.
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