2014.9.4 (Day 10)

2) 2014.9.4 (Day 10)

            I have already interviewed a resident here at Dismas.  I remember I was nervous when conducting my first PSA because it was my first time.  The monitor up front sensed my nervousness and said, “I'll give you a nice one.”  Needless to say, I did interview a nice resident.  Conducting a psycho-social interview is like listening to a person's life story.  There are many topics to cover such as family, physical health, spiritual health, education, law, and client strengths.  Each topic can have numerous subtopics.  For example, in the “education” category, I am also required to ask how the client is doing when he was in elementary school!  I still remember my elementary years but many of the residents, some older, might have trouble remembering.  The reason why we are required to go in detail and ask these questions is because what happens in a person's childhood can affect a person's psychological well-being in his/her adult life. 

            The resident I had is talkative.  I'm fortunate.  I heard of some residents who don't talk at all.  Listening to their life stories reminds me of my story.  I find our stories have similarities and differences.  I don't want to go in detail but I find, so far, that the reason my resident got in trouble is due to logical, make-sense reasons.  Reasons that, if we were under his situation, we might succumb to that, too.  I guess in life, there are a few “critical” life decision or junctions that would affect our lives tremendously.  Me joining the Army, for example, or me getting that stupid “D” grade in English class during my freshman year in high school.  That cost me my admission to a Cal-State University back then.  :(

            I also talked to my fellow interns on why they joined social work.  One of them gave his story.

            “What is your rank?” He asked me. 

            “I was a specialist,” I replied.

            One of my intern, F, was also in the Army.  He was a sergeant when he got out.  He said the reason why he went into social work is because he does the same thing in the Army.  He conducts home visits.  He checks his soldier's homes for safety.  He conducts financial counseling for his soldiers.  He advises his soldiers on how to spend and save money.  He does safety briefings with his soldiers as well.  When his soldiers go on leave, he is required to counsel them on safety issues.  He conducts urinalysis for his unit.  His MOS, like some in the Army (including me) is unrelated in what he does.  His MOS is a fueler, but he is a re-enlistment sergeant in his unit.  So, he also does some career advising and guidance for soldiers who are thinking about re-enlisting in the Army.  He also runs the Chemical, Biological, and Nuclear (CBN) training in his unit.  Change his MOS to “social work” and many of the tasks he does will be the same.  :)

            A sergeant from my unit once asked me why am I choosing not to re-enlist in the Army.  I told him I want to help people; to be a social worker.  He gave a gesture that shows “duh, what do you think you are doing now?”  I think if I were to be promoted to a sergeant, many of the soldiering-care tasks that F mentioned would also apply to me.  I might actually do some social work there.  :p  But, I know the Army, or the military in general, also has a social work MOS as well.  They are an officer.  I might consider working in the military.

8/31/2014: [Social Work] Intervention theories and my value-based intervention hypothesis (Work in progress)

8/31/2014: [Social Work] Intervention theories and my value-based intervention hypothesis (Work in progress)

S:11:09pm

E: 12:15am

As always, I might finish a day later, since it’s already 11pm.  There are a lot of things I can write about, including my experiences at Dismas.  However, to plan ahead and to establish a base for interventions, I want to begin to write and explore a list of possible social work interventions I can use to work with my clients or residents.

I want to start by saying I know little of interventions but that is one of the reasons why I am writing about them.  As a pre-social worker, I know more about therapeutic forces what to assess.  However, I have some ideas on what might work.

My professors tell us that in order to work effectively with clients, each of us must be using at least one theory.  Not using a theory is equivalent to going in blind.  One of the main theories touted by many of my professors is the cogitative-behavior theory.  It seems to be effective, thus, I will devote some time to study this theory more.  But, to give a pre-analysis of it, I feel it has some limitations.  This theory states that our thoughts cause our feelings and our feelings in turn cause our behavior.  So, the key is to change the way we think.  It is all a mind game. 

This approach may not work for me because I can see the truth.  It can be deceptive because the change in thinking may not be grounded in reality but instead only used to achieve a desired effect.  It may also suffer from an all-or-thing fallacy.

For example, if I tell myself that I can’t find a job because it’s all the economy’s fault, not my fault, the therapist may try to change my thinking into that I am responsible for my fate.  However, that is not really true.  The real answer why a person can’t find a job can be between internal and external factors, although many say that it lies more in the internal.  The 12% what happens to you and 88% how you respond to it.  But, it’s 88% and not 100%.  The economy may also play a factor, so is the supply and demand of certain jobs.  If I try to think to myself that I am completely responsible for my own fate, I am leaving out other factors and if I fail even when doing my best, the person may blame him/herself instead of looking at other possibilities. 

Experienced social workers or counselors may be laughing at me, but it’s ok.  I am still learning and the purpose of this discovery is to learn, both from my mistakes and the mistakes of others and to identify, partly through reason, the best method.

I think the military also tried to use a little CBT on me.  They try to drill soldiers into thinking something that is not completely true (or so I think) in reality, but thinking the way the Army wants you to think can make you a better soldier.  That’s why many soldiers tell me I should stop thinking so much and just follow orders.  If I do that, if I throw away my inquiry and questioning abilities and just adopt their way of thinking, I may be a better soldier, but I will compromise my value of logic and questioning. 

For example, in basic training, our drill sergeants or culture tell us that if we are not meeting the standards, then we are lazy and not doing our best or giving “110%.”  In a way, this type of thinking is good.  It forces soldiers to meet the standard because, if they meet it, they will feel good; they will feel that they are trying.  However, this way of thinking doesn’t work for weaker soldiers who may be doing their best but are still not reaching the Army expectations.  Frequently, and only the individual can testify, I done my best to adapt and reach the expectations.  However, I frequently fall short.  Other soldiers verbally attack me by telling me that I’m being lazy and not doing my best, when, in indignation, I might be trying harder than them.  They see the results more than the effort.  This way of thinking, that if you do your best, you will reach expectations, and that if you don’t reach it, then it’s your lack of willpower, doesn’t work for me because I did do my best and still couldn’t reach the expectations.  There are other reasons why soldiers can’t reach expectations besides the lack of effort.  Prior physical conditioning, street-smarts, the ability to adapt quickly to change, social skills, among others, also play a role. 

I do agree, however, that CBT can be effective, and in some of my experience, is effective.  If I keep telling myself something, I will tend to believe it.  However, this approach, and I only have a cursory knowledge of it, won’t be as effective for those who are broader in their thinking, who consider other factors as well.

--

The approach I am thinking that may work with my residents is more like a value-based approach.  I don’t really have a name for it but looking online, it kind of agrees with value clarification psychotherapy theory. 

Everyone has values and their internal motivation is based on them.  Interventions and approaches will be more effective if it agrees with what the client values.

Thus, finding what the resident or client value is the assessment.  Of course, since we live in similar environments, many of us may have similar values, such as independence, money, family, etc.  But, everyone can be different. 

Once we know what the client values, we can inquire what the client intends to do to further that value.  The social worker will then be like a second observer or advisor (I like to call it a second general) analyzing the client’s methods and objectives.  The end point is to establish a task or objective that benefits the person without harming other people (hopefully it may benefit others as well).  If the client gives an objective to a value that may hurt other people, the social worker can educate the client on the possible consequences as well as moral arguments (maybe). 

For example, if the resident values money and he/she says they want to a hitman to be rich, the social worker can point out the dangers of a hitman, the consequences of murder, how it may actually counter-act their goal of wanting to be rich (being arrested, prison time, death), as well as moral arguments such as the value of a human life.  The social worker can then give other socially-acceptable alternatives that will further the client’s goal of wealth, such as employment-search, education and job training, how to save money (financial responsibility- can tell the story of poor lottery winners), among others. 

This is a client-centered approach that drives on internal motivation as well as focusing on the strengths perspective.  Thus, the client will have a self-interest to accomplish their goals and objectives in a, hopefully, healthier way thanks to the advice of a social worker using this approach.

This also goes in-line with Sun Tzu’s Art of War in that if the client knows thyself and the task ahead (i.e. enemy), he or she will be 100% effective in accomplishing their life task(s). 

--

As I learn more intervention theories, I will be able to learn from others and develop, hopefully, more effective ways to help people.

Add: I probably have no idea what CBT is.  Forgive me; I am new.

My Internship at DC (Day 4)

* I am writing this log not only to fulfill a course requirement but for personal-enrichment as well.

1) Date: 8/28/2014 (Day 4) Start: 4pm

            I am, of course, still a new intern at Dismas Charities, having my orientation on Monday (8/25).  I learned many of the procedures, my tasks as an intern, and about Dismas during the orientation.  To be brief, as a student intern, I am required to see residents.  I do this by first conducting a psycho-social assessment on them.  Then, I identify three of the main problem areas the resident may have.  For each of the problem area, I am to have a goal.  Each goal will have three objectives and each objective three tasks.  The tasks need to be timed, measurable, and attainable.  Once approved, I can start seeing my client to get those goals and objectives met.  Interns are also required to conduct educational groups to teach the resident various transitional skills.  I feel I am more comfortable conducting groups than helping the individual on the PSA or treatment session because, for the education group, I already know the material to teach.  It is just a matter of disseminating the knowledge to the other residents.  I can use drawing out and cutting off techniques.  To compare with the individual PSA and treatment sessions, however, I am not the expert.  I have to ask questions to get information.  Well, being an intrapersonal person, I might be comfortable with both.  Now if the group session is about treatment, that would be much more challenging.

            Speaking of education groups, I heard that the residents in many of the sessions tend to be lacking in participation.  Many of the groups conducted tend to be quiet with only the teacher or group worker leading it.  If that is the case, I may not have to worry too much on cutting off, a technique that I may need more practice in.  I will have to use drawing out techniques such as rounds or activities to get everyone to participate.  I think passion is also an important factor.  If the residents see that I am passionate about what I’m teaching and genuine, they may pay more attention. 

            The gist of this entry, or what I want to write about, is the nature of Dismas and the residents.  I am told and taught that involuntary clients, especially offenders, can be the most difficult clients a social worker may encounter.  However, at Dismas, I believe an exception is made.  These residents at this halfway house, are almost out of prison and almost into mainstream society.  They are almost free.  Thus, many of them will behave like angels, on their best behavior, so they can have their dream of freedom.  They know that if they mess up, they will go back in prison.  This is unlike other correctional facilities, where its residents know they will not be freed anytime soon.  To be more philosophical, why can’t people, everyone in general, behave like angels all the time?  It is certainly possible for these federal offenders to behave nicely even though they are on their best behavior for a reason.  People should be on their best behavior because it is the right thing to do, not just to gain something.  But I know that people are naturally selfish, and many will only be nice if they can get Santa’s present.  To apply Kohlberg’s Theory of Moral Development, many of these residents are probably at a lower stage of moral development.  To many of them, their thinking is punitive.  It is about punishment and not the reward.  It is about the short-term and not about the long-term, not about karma, or anything like that.  Social workers, on the other hand..  ok, I won’t get to that.  But, people can be bad because there are no incentives to be good or to avoid negative consequences.   

            To look at myself, I am starting to be more selfish too, after finding out that being nice doesn’t really pay.  Nice guys do indeed finish last, but clever nice guys in heart can still finish first. 

            So right now, I’m doing a lot of theory and not a lot of practical.  I still have my manuals to read (each of them is like a textbook!).  I am pending approval for my PSA practice outline so once approved, I can start conducting PSA’s.

*Only unclassified material will be included.

Spear Fighting / The Way of the Spear

Spear Fighting / The Way of the Spear

S: 3:16am

E: 4:06am

Being a writer, I’m under a writer’s curse.  That is, when I think of something marvelous to write about, the desire to write within me burns.  It is now 3am in the morning and I’m having a fever, but I still want to write.  Actually, I feel, at least in the beginning states, having a fever increases a person’s intellectual ability.

Q: So what do you want to write about?

I’m a fan of military strategies and of weapons.  One of the weapons that fascinates me is the sword.  Oftentimes at night, I envision myself as an half-elven fighter dual-wielding swords to fight off evil. 

Q: Then why write about spear?

I find, after some thinking, that the spear is actually superior to the sword.  Sure, the sword looks flashier but it is youth’s folly.

Q: Why is the spear superior?

The spear, or to use euphemism, a pointy stick, has a greater range or reach than a sword.  When used correctly, this can be to deadly effect.

Q: How so?

The spear always has the advantage of range.  However, most spear fighters does not use that to the fullest extent.  The spear always, thanks to the range, has first or a preemptive strike.  It is important to outthink your enemy than to out-fight him.  The key to doing that is to understand human physiology.

When a person moves forward, it is the legs that move forward first.  If the spearman were to focus not on the body but on the upper legs, specifically the area from the kneecaps to the upper-thigh, that spearman will have a huge advantage.

Q: What kind of huge advantage?

To emphasize, the spearman always has an advantage in range.  By aiming at the legs, the body part that moves first, that spearman doubles that advantage.  It is the person’s legs that move first, then everything else.  The second or fractions of a second needed to get the rest of the body in position can be used to devastating effect by the spearman. 

Q: If the spearman focuses only on the lower body / leg area, then he/she leaves the upper-body open.  Wouldn’t that be a problem?

That is not an issue, again, thanks to the spearman’s range.  If the swordsman were to swing his sword at the upper-body, that person will hit only thin air.  In fact, if that swordman were to do that, the spearman should take this opportunity to attack the legs. 

Q: What if the swordsman has heavy leg armor?  Would that cancel this strategy?

Perhaps, but you will then have a greater strategy.  Throughout history, humankind focuses its armor mostly on the upper half of the body.  The lower-half, if armored, will impair movement.  A fighter that is not agile, due to heavy weights on his legs, will be dead meat to any fighter.  If that is the case, than out-maneuver and aim for the body.  You can still aim for the legs as the enemy’s legs will move slower due to the weight. 

Kind of off-topic, but using the spear also confers another advantage: pierce damage.  The same type of damage caused by modern bullets.  Pierce damage is extremely effective because it concentrates all its power on a small area, making it much more possible to go through (or pierce) enemy armor. 

Q: What if the enemy tries to dodge with his legs?

If the enemy tries to dodge with his or her legs, than that fighter will be unable to attack.  As said earlier, any movement or positioning is done by the legs first.  If the legs are dodging, the fighter will not be coordinated to attack. 

Q: What if the enemy swordsman was able to successfully dodge forward and close-in on the spearman?

This is when a second, concealed, back-up weapon will be needed.  A concealed dagger will be a good choice.  If the swordsman were to break the outer guard of the spearman, the psychology of victory will take over.  That swordman will be so excited to break the guard that he will close-in, almost touching, to kill the spearman.  However, when that happens, the spearman needs to drop the spear quickly, pull out the dagger and stab at the enemy body.  The spearman will benefit from this adage:

“Go big or go home.“

The spearman focuses on long-melee or short-melee range (the dagger).  In the above situation, the spearman will have to be as close to the swordsman as possible, which should be easy as the swordsman is also trying to close the distance to avoid the long-range attack.  It is difficult for the sword to do serious damage when the enemy is skin to skin.  The sword is a medium-ranged weapon, it needs some space to swing to build power.  The dagger, again using the stab-pierce motion/technique, will connect with the body and that will be enough to finish off the wounded warrior.

Q: Describe a typical spear-sword fight using this technique.

The swordsman will be constantly trying to close-in, however, he cannot as his legs betray him.  The spearman may have a few hits on the enemy’s legs, with each hit slowing and damaging the enemy’s mobility.  Eventually, the spearman will make enough hits that the sword fighter will not be able to stand anymore.  When that happens, the spearman can just run him over. 

Another point I almost forgot to mention is that most fighters are trained to defend from upper-body attacks, whether it’s dodging or parrying.  It is harder for most fighters to defend against lower-body attacks.  Looking at human physiology as well, most of the muscles of the arm are geared towards defending the upper-body, as well as ergonomics. 

The experienced spear fighter can also add some fun into the fight, by aiming between the person’s legs.  Would you fight against a spear fighter if that person is always aiming at your dick (sorry for vulgarism)?  Logically, it is not as effective as the knee-cap and upper-thigh area but it could be psychologically effective. 

So, to conclude, by using this method to fight with a spear, the spearman will almost always defeat the swordsman in one-on-one battle. 

-

My method of fighting is more of the skirmisher / ranger.  Range beats melee any day.  A person who is adapt in ranged and melee fighting, and is willing to use hit-and-run attacks and prefers range, will be superior to almost any other fighter.  So far, the best doctrine I have is a decentralized, “continued-battle,” where there are no fixed lines, but fluidity and never-ending harassment [of the enemy].  With skirmishers harassing the enemy.  They will of course wear light armor because speed and mobility is more highly valued than protection.  But that is my blog for another time. 

Hope you enjoy reading and try it!  

Add: I did not include the possibility of the swordsman using a shield as well.  But, even then, human physiology confers a disadvantage to defending the lower-body with the shield.  That person, if he or she as a small shield, will have to bend down, sacrificing his or her posture and offensive ability.  With a larger shield, this spear strategy may be less effective and will need to be combined with other spear-fighting strategies.  As with warfare, it is like rock-paper-scissors.  There is no perfect strategy.  There is always a strategy to counter or defeat another strategy.  This technique works best against fighters without a shield.  

8/24/2014:

8/24/2014:

S: 2155 E: 0024

Q: How are you feeling right now?

A: I’m having mixed feelings.  I’m feeling many feelings at the same time. 

Q: Could you share on some of them?

A: Those that are unclassified, I can share.  Most of my thoughts are unclassified anyways.  Except a few.  You need to have secret or top-secret clearance for that.  :p  And, so far, nobody has that.  Well, except my mom, she has secret clearance.  :)  But top-secret,  nope; I don’t have a bff. 

Q: So..

A:  Tomorrow is my first day of Fall school.  It is my last year at UTEP and I also will be doing my internships.  Tbh, I’m not really optimistic about my internships or my schooling.  I just don’t really feel the passion anymore.  Well, I do feel the passion, I do want to help people, but it’s just passion in life in general.  But, thanks to the Army and God (?), I’m just going to continue and finish the race.  I might be walking to the finish line or sprinting, but what matters is I will try to finish it, which is unlike my pre-Army life. 

I have a lot of wants that are unfulfilled and it is making me depressed.  I do try to be more sociable and I am making effort and progress in that domain.  Being sociable has always been a struggle because my natural state, since childhood, is to be alone in front of a computer. 

Q: Can you talk more about your “passions?”

A:  Hope delayed makes the heart sick (Proverbs 13:12).  Dreams not achieved or seemingly impossible gives me sadness and depression.  I do feel a lot of my longings are unattainable.  I kept trying and I try new ways, but still, they are out of reach.  Of course, I’m logical.  I think of steps, of plans, to reach them, but the end result is the same.  Now that I’m writing this, I think I lack the willpower in many of my pursuits, that perhaps had I been more determined, I might have made more progress.

Q: Alright, so you can try to be more determined?

A:  That is not easy.  To be determined requires passion, however, passion ebbs and flows.  It is hard to be determined in seasons of drought.  Another thing I remembered that plagues me is indecision. 

Q: Indecision?  Could you explain?

A: To reach a treasure or goal, one has to plan and have the determination to reach it.  However, I sometimes struggle with something even more basic: whether my supposed treasure or goal is even that. 

I feel it’s kind of ironic because I try to know more about myself.  I write these “discoveries” since 2000.  I’m kind of an intrapersonal person.  And yet, I still don’t know if the treasure or goal is really that. 

Q: What is keeping you from knowing yourself or knowing what your “treasure” is?

A: Good question.  I think a lot of it has to be because I don’t spend a lot of time with myself anymore.  By “time with myself” I mean time where I can really understand and know my true feelings and thoughts.  Much of my alone time is spent on computer games.

Q: So you think computer games is the culprit? 

A:  Although I do spend a lot of my time on other necessary things, yes, computer games sucks away the time I could spend on knowing myself more.  However, even with my gaming habit, I still, daresay, that I spend more time talking to myself than most people. 

Q: What do you talk about?

A: My internal dialogue nowadays has a lot of hopelessness and sadness.  Of anger.  Anger at myself, the world, and God.  I’m also a realist.  I see my goals and I try to make plans for them, however, it is difficult, if not impossible, to make plans that is doable for me.  And other times, I’m so far behind in certain areas that just catching up, never mind getting there, is depressing enough. 

Q: That seems to be handful.  So how are you going to combat this?

A: My only way to combat this is to do the only way I know how.  Best-evidence.  It is to just keep trying and not give up, even if it seems everything is hopeless. 

Q: Why do you think everything is “hopeless”?

A: Because I cannot reach my dreams and goals.  They seem impossible for me.  I struggle with even identifying what should my dreams and goals should be.  Should I try to get a girlfriend or not?  Do I even need a girlfriend, for example?  One thing I am clear on is I want to make money, obviously, so I can survive and help others in this evil world.  And, should I successfully identify my goals, when I start planning them, they seem difficult if not unreachable. 

Q: Why do you think it’s “unreachable”?

A: By unreachable, I mean steps that might not succeed.  Steps that don’t have a guarantee.  Steps that require other prerequisites, which is difficult for me to reach in itself.  They are steps where I could try, even do my best on, and still fail. 

Q: Then the solution would be to break those steps into smaller, doable steps.

A: Heh, good idea.  But, as I said earlier, even those smaller steps might be difficult.  And opportunity too.  I might want to reach a goal, but if I lack the opportunity, opportunity that is independent of me, I cannot do it. 

So, I feel the best plan for me is to continue to improve myself.  To improve my basic skills.  To work on skills that are important in this world.  I try to exercise daily, to be more sociable, to take advantage of opportunities.  For example, if there is a 5k Stephanie Olivo Memorial run advertised by one of my social work students, I can go there.  By the way, I went to that run (on Aug. 23, 2014) and got 1^st place (in my age group).  The medal is kind of meaningless because there are few runners.  Everyone practically earned a medal.  In my age group, 20-29, for example, there are only 2 runners.

That 5k run is memorable because it is my first successful 5k run since 2010, when I was in Kuwait running the Wounded Warrior 5k run.  I did register to run for the Tour de Tolerance in 2012, but I woke up late and by the time I got there, the runners are already finishing.  They wouldn’t let me join.  But, I do get to cheer for them and hike on the holy Mount Cristo Rey trail.  There were a lot of people.

Anyways, as I said, the best plan is just to prepare for opportunities.  To improve my body, soul, and spirit.  However, there is a problem with that approach.

Q: Oh?  What is the problem?

A: Many times, my desires and longings get in the way.  It feels like in order for me to improve myself, I need those things I long for.  It is like a circular tragedy.  Yet, in order for me to get the things I long for, I need to improve myself. 

For example, getting a girlfriend.  In my experience, to get a girlfriend, I need financial stability, education, and the usual personality and character similarities.  Yet, to get financial stability and education, I need a girlfriend.  It’s too difficult to do it alone.  I need the morale.  I need someone to talk to; someone to share my burdens.  It’s similar to a poem I wrote in high school:

I need a girl to talk to me.

I need a girl to set me free.

I need a girl so I can see.

I need a girl to talk to me.

Cause, I need a girl who really loves me.

I need a girl to sleep with me.

I need a girl to play with me.

I need a girl so I can breathe.

-

Ok that was pretty embarrassing, but I feel it illustrates my point.  By the way, just because of writing this, I wrote another entry that has some of my love poems/songs that I wrote in high school.  I am planning to share them someday. 

So, basically, it’s too difficult for me to continue to struggle, to get an education, a degree, a job, money, happiness, etc, without someone to love, without someone to back me up, without someone to continue in my journey with.  But, in order to get a girlfriend, since I tried, I need the very things that I need.  It’s circular, it’s depressing, there’s no way. 

Q: But Steven, you don’t really need a girlfriend.  You can get an education, etc, on your own.  Just be motivated.

A: I think anyone can testify the support that a loving relationship can bring.  Of course, if I have the iron will, I can achieve these things alone, but it is much easier if I have a soulmate to support me. 

Q: Ok Steven, but I think you might be wrong on the expectations of girls.  They don’t just look at the outside, at money, education, or fame.  Having the inner loving qualities matters too.

A: That’s what I thought as well.  But, so far, my experiences prove otherwise.  I’ve seen, in the military, so many gold-diggers (no offense to UTEP :p) that basically only stay with their husbands just for the benefits.  On online matching-making sites, most, if not all, of the women there want a man with the education and income.  I tried to converse with them but they wouldn’t talk to me because I didn’t meet the “qualifications.”  They didn’t even give me a chance. 

However, I understand that not all girls are like that, but in a culture that values the American Dream, many women place at least some weight in these earthly areas.  And as long as there is some influence, the playing field is unbalanced.

There is another reason, probably, why I can’t find a girlfriend.  It is because I am naturally shy and afraid of rejection.  Being alone most of the time, such as in high school, contributes to it too.  But I am making much effort in this area.  While in the Army, I did confess my love to a girl.  But, she flat out rejected me.  I kept trying to send her messages and even guitar songs, but she then blocked me.  Of course I made mistakes, I’m new to the mating game, but it hurts.  Nowadays, all the girls I show interest in already have a boyfriend.  But, I’m still trying.  Then, there are times when I feel being single is better, going back to my lack of clear goals. 

So, all these factors play a role.  There are debates all within me on what to do and many have not been resolved. 

So, being the social worker as I am, I need to continue to know myself more, to make my goals and decisions firm.  Then, to improve myself.  When troubles come when reaching a goal due to lack of “support” (i.e. girlfriend), I guess there’s nothing I can do about that but to just endure and do the best that I can.  I can also continue to seek opportunities, especially when it comes to matchmaking.  I need to take more risks, to try new things.  I need to be able to think clearly when under stress. 

All these things will be difficult for me to do.  Then, I just remembered another thing.

Q: What is that?

I’m getting tired, the time is 11:44pm now and I need to sleep, but to finish this, some people tell me that I also need to be more assertive. 

Q: Isn’t being assertive a good thing?

A: Yes it is, but I also value being myself.  I value being true to myself, to be honest to God, myself, and people.  This is one of the reasons why I wrote these discoveries.  If I feel sad or depressed, I don’t want to fake it to the world.  I don’t want to deceive others or myself.  And part of me is a realist.  If I think something is hopeless or extremely difficult, I will tend to be sad.  Hopelessness may also be part of my childhood, so it may be part of my nature.  Basically, if I feel sad, I will be sad.  If I feel happy, I will be happy.  I don’t want to lie to the world or myself.  I feel it is more important to stick to my principles than to compromise them to gain something.  But, I’m changing, I don’t know anymore.  Maybe I could try a “fake-it-till-you-make-it” approach.  Maybe I should be deceiving, to pretend that everything is good and happy, just so I can get treasures in this world. 

Q: I can see that you are tired.  Maybe we can talk about this later.

A: Sure thing.  I write what I feel anyways.  Good night everyone and thanks for reading.    

Beyond Good and Evil / The Fallacy of Technology

Beyond Good and Evil / The Fallacy of Technology  (unfinished)

Q: So tell me how you feel about technology.

A: Well, it’s complicated.  On one hand, technology can be useful to me.  It allows me to type this entry, for example.  Yet, I can see the dangers and follies of these inventions. 

Q: What do you mean you see the dangers and follies of technology?

A: To me, technology is a modifier.  It is either good or evil but it can be used for either purposes to strengthen their resolve.  Let me show you a diagram of what I mean:

Diagram of the morality-technology continuum

A: As you can see, good and evil is vertical while technology, and some say faith, is horizontal.  The further out the graph, the influence the entity has.  Thus, my placement of technology as a modifier makes sense.  Technology can be used for good or evil and its usage modifies the influence that entity makes. 

Q: Can you provide an example of how technology and morality interacts?

A: Of course.  An obvious example can be war.  Let’s look at low-tech items such as swords and higher-tech weapons such as guns.  Swords, in the hands of an evil person can be used to do evil and the evil that person does will be greater than say, using their fists.  However, fast-forward to the 20^th and 21^st century and we have guns.  That same evil person who uses guns can have a much greater influence than if that person was in the medieval age.  It can be used for good, too.  If a nation is defending itself from a foreign power, giving that nation guns will help defend that kingdom better.  Thus, in the hands of good people, it will be used for good, in the hands of bad, it will be used for evil.

Q: What about friendly technology such as the health sciences?

A: That too, can be applied to the continuum.  For medical technology, it can be used to heal good or evil people.  If it heals a good person, that person will live to do good.  If it heals an evil person, then  that person will continue to live to do evil.  Thus, the influence of technology in the manifestation of good or evil is critical. 

Modified continuum to include faith

Q: What about the other side of the spectrum, that of faith?

A: First, to clarify, by saying faith, I do not imply religion, but religion can certainly be a part of faith.  Hence, faith is also a modifier, since it can go both ways, and the deeper one goes in his or her faith, the stronger is that person’s resolve, thus, influence. 

Q: I thought faith is mostly a good thing, since most religions teach people to be morally upright.

A: While most religions do seem to teach moral values, not all religions are completely good.  There’s Satanism or wicca, for example.  Many of the things that are taught there could be considered evil by societal standards.  And Islam violent means of punishing and evangelism.  Even Christianity, in the Old Testament, supports slavery and concubines. 

Q: If religion determines good or evil, and you state that not all religion is purely good or evil, then what determines good or evil?

A:  Excellent question, and for eons, philosophers have struggled to answer this question.  The problem with divine command, i.e., god-based religions, are is God good because he is good or is God good because he says so.  There are more to this and once I have more knowledge in this matter (forgot a lot of what I learned in my ethics class), I can answer this question more intelligibly.  My approach to philosophy and good and evil is that of the utilitarian approach.  An action is good if it is more good and evil.  I know that one person’s good can be another’s evil.  And I do believe the end justify the means.  I will elaborate more on this when I have more time.

Q: So nothing is purely good or evil?

A: In the real world, probably yes.  Even what is good to most people will be detrimental to some.  There are only different shades of grey.

Add: I remember that I wrote a blog about some of the topics discussed here.  To recap, I do believe natural law favors evil more than good.  It is easier to destroy than to build or kill than to heal.  Thus, with this in mind, any modifier is a negative thing as it favors evil more than good.

8/9/2014

[Written at Greyhound station, Phoenix, AZ]

8/9/2014:                   |  S: 0255

Q: So what is going on right now?

A: Right now I’m at the Greyhound bus station at Phoneix, AZ.  We are changing buses so our bus train is waiting.

Q: How are you feeling right now?

A: I feel OK.  I’m tired and the intermittent sleep onboard the bus is helping little.  Right now, I do have a lot of thoughts.

Q: What thoughts are you having?

A: It’s too many for me to write briefly but I’m having thoughts about my future, destiny, about God, what I’m going to do once I get to Los Angeles, and the application of social work with the people I’m with.

Q: Hmm, application of social work with fellow passengers.  Sounds interesting.  Could you elaborate?

A: Most of the passengers I’m with seem to come from the lower socioeconomic classes.  By being with them, sitting close to them, I get to see and experience what they are feeling and going through.  Furthermore, God, or chance, gave me the opportunity to help some people.

Q: How did you help them?

A: I talk to them.  I introduce myself.  I am nice and kind to them.  That doesn’t sound like much, but any message we put out is like an aura that can change the world, or the environment.  I did help a woman on a deeper level though.  It’s quite a story. 

Q: I love stories!  Tell me the story.

A: Well, at the Tucson, AZ station a young woman came in.  She looked kind of distraught.  When moving her carry-on on the bus, she carried one bag and sort of shuffled her other bag on the ground.  This is before we departed.  She asked the bus driver for help multiple times.  She moved and sat at the very end of the bus partly because there are few seats left and she was one of the last ones there.  At the back of the bus, the rearmost seat, she asked for the driver for help again.  She told her she doesn’t want to sit at the back because she doesn’t feel safe.  I was sitting at the front of the bus then.  The bus driver asked are there anyone willing to volunteer their seat for her.  After a brief silence, when I felt no one is going to volunteer, I decided to volunteer.  Oh, I almost forgot.  As the woman was moving her carry-on in the bus past me, she dropped something.  I picked it up and saw that it was a reboarding pass.  I tried calling out to her but she didn’t hear me.  It’s probably partically b/c I have a soft voice.   [end of written]

[typed] 8/20/2014

I walked up to her and handed her the ticket.  She looked at the ticket and told shook her head quickly and told me it’s for the bus driver.  I handed the pass to her and tried to explain briefly.  The way she looked, her demeanor, suggests to me that she could be somehow oppressed.  I’m guessing, and it’s pure speculation here, that she probably got out of a domestic violence situation.  I’m glad I can help her.  :)  I tried to talk to her when we were standing in line waiting for the bus.  She looked as if she’s still confused.  I can feel she was thinking about talking to me but then decided to talk to the Greyhound staff.  After some talking and references of other staff, she got to board first.  Heh.  It’s fine, she probably deserves it. 

I look for opportunities to lend a helping hand.  They don’t come my way often, probably because I don’t really go out of my way to look for them, but if they do, I try to help.