Mistakes and Sin (My call center experience III)

2015.9.18: Mistakes and Sin (My call center experience III)

S: 12:43am

E: 1:35am

I am writing in regards to yesterday’s call center experience.

I realize that there are some battles that I cannot win.  That there will be battles, calls, that no matter how hard I try, I still fail.  What can I do in those times?  Why has God placed me in a situation where there can be no victory?  I have not sinned, I made a mistake.  But, at that time, no, I didn’t make a mistake.  The customer I talked to seemed to be demon-possessed.  And I did, after the call, pray for him, prophyicied on behalf of him.  I declared that he will be a leader in the Christian church.  That he will be a disciple, a leader.  But now, looking back, I see that love and kindness is not enough.  Nothing I do or give is ever enough. 

So, from now on, I will seek to understand the issue.  I don’t care how mean or power-hungry that customer can be.  I will seek to understand the issue.  If the customer can’t explain his or her issue very well and gets angry, I will still seek to understand.  Seek first to understand, then be understood, right?  Well, in the call center world, that doesn’t really happen.  What is more likely to happen is the customer hangs up on you. 

There is nothing that I can do but there is everything that God can do.  I worry so much on my calls, it is stressing me out.  I worry about my CSAT (customer satisfication).  My supervisor and everyone it seems, stresses so much about that.  But, you know what?  That CSAT is based on people.  “Let me fall into the hands of the Lord, but do not let me fall into the hands of men.”  I don’t want people to judge me; I want God to judge me.  Then, there is my stuttering.  No matter how relaxed I am, or seem to be, as soon as I get a call, I stutter, for seemingly no appreant reason.  I can’t help it.  Sometimes I make drastic hand motions to help.  And it is affecting my performance with my customers.  My fault in making customers dislike me has nothing to do with my sins.  No, I love my customers, I care for them, I can feel their hurt and their pain.  But, it has to do with my weaknesses.  I stutter, and customers already want to speak with someone else.  I try my best to understand their issue but I have difficulty because the customers during my questioning attacks me for trying to understand them.  And, in the end, I still don’t understand them.  Well, better to be mocked trying to do the right thing than to continue and be clueless. 

So, what can I do?  When I try so hard to speak clearly, to not stutter.  What can I do when I worry so much on when my next call will be?  I always try to follow the call flow so if that customer gives me a bad score, I might be able to challenge it.  But the challenging process, I can already say, is not justice.  Customers can give me 1’s straight across but if I don’t meet 80% of the requirements, I deserve a 1.  In the customer care environment, the customer is god. 

I am here embittered.  I’m at a loss of what to do.  Sure, I can take revenge and mess up their accounts, but I fear God.  I love them and they hate me.  I try to understand them and they dislike me. 

Indeed, there is nothing that I can do, but there is many things God can do.  I belive that God is the judge.  If the customer curses me or mocks me or gives me a bad survey, I believe that God will give me justice.  I pray that that customer can get to know God and be one with Him. 

I try to take every call with a humble spirit.  But it doesn’t work all the time.  With a loving spirit, but love does fail.  I want to cry, seriously.  I want to hug them and tell them why do they hate me.  Why am I working in a job where I can’t win? 

I try to be like a robot but I can’t because I stutter.  And I can’t be a robot anyways because I love and care too much.  I thank God that there are customers that are very friendly and also very vurlenble that needed my help.  I find that I do best, that I help custoemrs the best when they have a willing and humble spirit.  Custoemrs that have pride or think they know it all, or have a spirit of anger and hate, those customers tend not to have issues resolved.  I do, I believe, have a better track record of helping those customers and I do resolve many of their issues, but then there are those who get upset because you don’t understand them, no matter how hard you try. 

There are some calls when the call just went so badly that I wanted to evangelize.  I wanted to tell the customers that Jesus loves them and that God has a future and a hope for them.  I wanted to follow the God flow.  Lol. 

Some people may all me arrogant.  But I’m not, when I realize and know the supernatural power of Christ. 

In a negative environment and a negative atmosphere, curses are everywhere.  Customers say curses at you all the time.  They use you and they curse you.  Sure, it may not be your fault, it may be the previous representative’s fault, but many times, the customers don’t care.  They declare curese on you anyways.  I have to cancel and nullify those curses and replace them with God’s blessings. 

Do I need this job?  No, I don’t need this job but I want a job.  I’m not in absolute poverty, yet.  And, in the name of Jesus, I will be prosperous, for God has a future and a hope for me. 

I have the American and, more importantly, the Israeli flag in my workspace because power comes from the God of Israel.  Actually, the God of the nations.  And I have signposts that declare that “love comes from God” and “power comes from God.” 

Jesus, what I can I do?  What can I bring?  To so faithful a friend, to so loving a king.  I need to find more ways to give encouragement to my customers, to bring God into the conversation.

I remember one conversation, I told the customer that God will take care of them, and the timing was appropriate.  I told her I will pray for her son, who is 2 years old, and is suffering from a terrible disease.  She is so stressed out.  I tried to encourage her. 

For those mean and unrelenting and unforgiving customers, maybe I should deliver them.  I don’t care if I get fired.  I already tried twice to quit but the management won’t let me because according to their stats, I am a top performer. 

So what can I do when these unwinnable calls come?  When I am unable to speak due to my suttering and the customers ride over me?  I will take solace that God is the judge.  I will also make a double-effort to live a pure life.  I will also make a double effort to live a humble life, to be humble towards God and men. 

It’s okay if I make a mistake.  I just must not sin. 

It’s okay to make mistakes, just don’t sin. 

Sadly, in this world, people rate mistakes much more gravely than sin.  In fact, many people celebrate sin.  But, I am not of this world.  I belong to God’s world.  In God’s world, I can make mistakes, because I am failble, but I must not sin, and if I do, then I will confess and repent.  My intentions must be pure.

For definition’s sake, to me, a mistake is an error caused with the right intentions or without wrong intentions.  It can be lack of knowledge, or lack of skill or ability.  I can make a mistake speaking but that doesn’t mean I carry sin in my heart, I just have the human weakness of stuttering.  Now sin, on the other hand, is a mistake or error caused by the wrong intentions.  Differing weights and differing measures, but the LORD tests the heart. 

God will be the judge.

I hope I make many mistakes because the more mistakes I make, with the right intentions, the more I will grow.  I don’t care about mistakes.  What I do care about, and what God cares, is whether I sin or not. 

So, when I answer calls, I don’t care if I’m going to stutter or not.  I don’t care about my weaknesses.  What I do care about is where I love them, whether I love the person on the phone with me or not.  Whether I have the love of God or not.  Even if the customer hates me and hangs up on me because of my mistakes, God will take care of me.  I rather have customers hang up on me due to my mistakes instead of my sins.  I will do my best and let God do the rest. 

Don’t worry so much about your life, Steven.  And in life, I have made many mistakes, and many of them are attributable to sin, but the more I seek God, the more I will be healed.

Mistakes ineviablily comes from sin.  Without sin, if there is no sin in the world, there will be no mistakes, absent intentions or not. 

So Steven, you will make mistakes, but just do your best not to sin.  It’s ok to make mistakes, God will take care of you, just don’t sin.  If I don’t sin, I win.  

2015.8.21: What God/Satan wants

2015.8.21: What God/Satan wants

11:13pm – 2330  2337 - 0010

Today at Ignite is cramazing.  I’m copying the Geico usage of the word “amazing.”  They are probably still there right now playing human equivalent of bumper cars, but its soccer.  I forgot the terminology.  It’s like soccer but they wear like a huge beach ball.  It’s fun!  My team came up and I took defense.  One of the players started charging at me, I think trying to get me out of the way, but I bend my knee and stood firm.  I did not fall; I only moved back a few steps.  In soccer, in basketball, I find that I’m good at defense.  Maybe in sports.  I remember pissing some people off when I played defense in basketball in the Army. 

But what I really want to write today is the message I learned.  I did not do transcribing today because my mentor told me I should receive.  I still have addiction and sin my life and, if I serve, it will taint the atmosphere.  It’s like “holy fire” and a “strange fire,” my mentor told me.  Until I am delivered and in freedom, I cannot serve.  This is different from the world.  In the world, talent is the only thing that matters.  That and people skills.  But in God’s world, talent and people skills are not enough.  More importantly, I also need a strong and free relationship with God. 

I also forgot to record the audio through my touchphone today.  I typically record, even though it gets noisy, so I can save it in my computer and listen to it later.  But what I took from it is what God wants for me and what Satan wants.  God wants to give us freedom.  Satan wants to keep us in bondage.  Satan wants us to feel guilty, ashamed.  The pastor on the video tonight at CGC said Satan wants you to see how he sees you.  Wow.  So, I can do a little counter-intelligence. 

Many times, I have trouble knowing or seeing what God wants me to do.  My mentor told me if I don’t know my purpose, then I should further God’s purpose, which is to seek Him and evangelize.  But, with today’s message, I forgot the influence of Satan.  I have been seeing myself as what Satan sees me, guilty, hopeless, tired, confused, etc.  I have been doing what Satan wants me to do: wasting time and satisfying my lusts.  So, if I don’t know what God wants me to do, or don’t know exactly, I can look at what Satan wants me to do.  To me, it’s much easier to know what Satan wants me to do than God’s.  So, I can look at that and do the opposite.  For example, Satan wants me to waste my time, feel hopeless, not worship God because I’m too tired or too late or whatever, but I will do the opposite of what he wants.  I will spend my time wisely, in productive things.  I will sing and praise and worship to open doors of hope.  I will not spend my time on games, which is what Satan wants, but on God, which is obviously, what God wants.  He is worthy of all praise. 

I have a job interview at a call center tomorrow.  It might be a temporary job.  You know, I need to humble myself.  I used to think I’m so crazy, that I’m all that.  That I can be a general and play all these computer games and win.  But I failed in having a strong relationship with God.  Sometimes I would compare myself with worldly people and tell God “God, look at these people, they don’t even seek you and they have so much more prosperity than me.”  But God knows my heart; he knows my potential.  He has given me the potential to spend time with Him and I have so far mostly squandered it.  To each measure God gives to a person. 

The root of all sins, my mentor told me, is pride.  And in my case, much of my sin comes from rejection.  I know what to do.

I told my mentor I wanted to go into truck driving, since it’s the only job that’s in demand right now that requires any college degree or just a high school diploma.  All the other jobs, the prospector applies but in truck driving, the employer invites people.  But, if I go into that field, I will be away from church most of the time.  My mentor told me that God wants me to stay at a supernatural church.  We are living in the end times, she told me, and I heartily agree.  I will find a career and a wonderful job in El Paso.  However, I need to seek first the Kingdom of Heaven. 

Satan also wants me to debate and argue with people about religious doctrines and overwhelm myself but no, debating and argumentation cannot change people.  Showing love, supernatural signs and wonders, and God can change people.  I’m not going to stress myself about these things or participating in Christian “debate clubs.”  Pastor Patty asked, “You know why there is so much division in the church?”  Ahh, I forgot her answer, but I think it has something to do with the lack of power in today’s church.  And God wants unity but Satan brings division.  For me, I care less about the means but the end.  The end is the supernatural power of God that can save people.  I don’t want to waste my time arguing whether this point or that point is right or wrong.  It brings anger.  It brings hatred.  It brings controversy.  It brings division.  Just as fire came down on Elijah’s altar instead of Baal’s, just follow God, follow His Holy Spirit.  It’s okay to make theological mistakes, God will bring it to heart when the time comes but just worship God!  1 Corinthians 13:12 “Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.  All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.”  Don’t worry about the doctrine.  God will correct each of us in time.  Just worship and seek God through his Holy Spirit.

Aww, too bad I already left that debate group.  I will try to rejoin it just to share the last paragraph and then leave it.  My mentor also told me to keep away from people who cause me to stumble in my walk with God.  I thank God for my family of Christ that care about me and that want to correct me.  

8/14/2015 - A Day to Change a Year

8/14/2015 - A Day to Change a Year

11:13pm – 11:55pm

It’s late now but I feel like I need to write.  At least for a bit.

It is said that what one does on his or her birthday can determine how that person will do for the rest of that year.  A birthday, in my opinion, is a very special and important day.  It’s a “me” day and because it is so important to many people, God values that day all the more.

In another respect, my birthday is just like any other day.  Job even wished that his birthday be cursed because of the suffering he had endured.  When life is bitter and cruel, birthdays tend not to be a time of celebration, instead, it serves as an ugly reminder of trying to survive.

I value my birthdays but I remember my past birthdays were not as good.  There were birthdays when I just hung around my room and play computer games.  There were birthdays when I sinned.  And I remember those years are not very good.

But this birthday is a change, is a revival.  I started my day at 4:30am trying to get up to go to intercession.  Why is intercession so early?  The leaders say it is to kill the flesh.  Evangelism still scares me so I thought the least I can do is to pray.  I love praying.  I’m afraid of evangelism because I’m afraid I have no power or my declarations won’t come true.  But that shouldn’t be an issue.  God will provide.  He provided for me and still provides and loves me now.  The lack of power is actually caused by a lack of relationship with God, something Pastor Patty preached about.

Then, at around 7:15am I went to eat breakfast with some intercession members.  We talked until around 10am?  It was a great relationship-building time.

Then, I went to the commissary and the PX at Fort Bliss to buy needed supplies and healthy food.  I love shopping at the PX and the commissary because most everything is cheaper there and tax-free. 

Then, I went to Ignite to help with the Powerpoint.  I’m so happy that I can help.  Today’s service was different from before.  We had to make announcement videos but by the supernatural grace of God, we are able to accomplish it.  I post the Ignite invite events on Craigslist and Backpage and I remembered downloading a bunch of event pictures from their facebook page.  I used those pictures for today.  Amen. 

So, today, my capital day, is a good day.  I did not play any computer games and I did not do any bad things.  I find that talking to myself with God helped a lot. 

Still, I really wish one good day can make up for a thousand bad days.  Xuan Nguyen wrote that 30 days can change a person’s life because if a person does something for 30 days, it will become a habit for the rest of that person’s life.  I have been exercising and eating right.  If I can do it for 25 more days, then I have it for the rest of my life, or at least it’s much easier.  New Year Resolutions shouldn’t be so hard.  :)  One day, thirty days, my birthday.  I really wish one day can change my life.

2015.8.2

2015.8.2

There is a lot of similarity between an evangelist and an insurance sales agent.  One sells the near-future while the other offers the eternal future.  In both professions, I have to talk to people; I have to offer them a product that is better than what they have now. 

I just finished design my business card.  On the front is the usual information: name, address, business logo, etc, but on the other, is a comparison of the change and the status quo (401k, banks, other investment products, I’m not showing the chart b/c I’m not here to advertise).

People don’t like change, they tend to resist it, but in both cases, I have to try; I have to at least plant the seed.  However, one is easier than the other. 

People would want to buy life index fund insurances but they may not want to accept Jesus into their hearts.  The latter carries more responsibilities and consequences. 

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Ok, the following may or may not be censored.  It’s harder for me to write if I have to watch and censor my words and thoughts.  I feel inhibited and people can’t be at their best if they are inhibited.

Today, Pastor Patty preached to us about the importance of having a relationship with God.  She mentions that many life problems such as doubt is caused by a weak relationship with God.  We doubt because we do not trust God and doubt leads to fear and confusion.  No wonder I am so confused with my life.  The only thing I am not confused is the importance of seeking God but even in doing that, I am struggling.  But, I find that the times when I do seek God and spend time with him, I feel peace, and I feel in control of my life.  In a way, it’s ironic.  By seeking God, I gain direction on what to do in the world. 

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Wow, I can’t think right now.  In a way, I’m happy that I got some work done, but in another way, I could have done better.  Even today, I played hours of computer games.  The three areas that are competing each other in my life are God, games, and girls.  Haha.  But, as Helen said, there could only be one: God.  The reason why I’m in the mess I am in now (lack of direction) is because I failed to spend time with God.  I feel I have great potential with Him and I do want to seek Him.  But other things in the world are more alluring.  They are more fun.  They are more exciting, or so it seems, than God. 

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As I said regularly, I feel like killing myself.  I feel like ending my life.  It may seem unthinkable or shocking to some people, but, in a way and as I grow in God, I learn the value of life.  I see life as something to be taken lightly because God is in control and He will be the judge.  The Bible says whoever saves his life will lose it.  Many people who do not know God value their lives because it is the only thing they have.  They are selfish, they refuse to die to themselves, or to sacrifice to help others.  But I know that the value of life depends on the quality of it.  Job said that it is better to be a stillborn child than to live a life of suffering.  If my life feeds and weakens other people, then it is better for me not to live.  It is an act of resistance against poverty and lack.  I don’t want to be homeless and suffer for the rest of my life.  I would rather die.  Or if I do live, then I’ll live for God, but only God.  But many times, actually most of the time, I fail to live for God.  So then, what is the point of my life?  What is my life without God?

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I find that the best way to talk and interact and act around other people is just to let go.  To let go of myself and my agendas and to let them think and act.  To be humble and only say what is needed, for with many words comes strife and sin is not absent.  By avoiding many words, I am also confusing the devil and those who are evil.  They do not know as much as if I would speak more frequently.  Speak just enough and act humbly.  Speak when you can change and with fewer words, you can influence the outcome.  Gold for silence but silver for words.

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Going back to the life debate again, because I know it is very controversial, people should have the right to die.  It should be a right, and an act of freedom.  This can bring equality to the classes.  The rich don’t want the poor to die but they want the poor to suffer.  Why suffer if one can have rest, if one can have peace?  However, should someone choose to die, that person should have a few commitments as possible.  Why did I choose not to die while in the Army?  Because I promised to serve my country and I will be letting my unit down.  So I decided to wait until I’m done.  And I’m single.  If I have a family, with a wife and kids, doing this may be unethical since it will hurt them and probably cause them to die, too.  As few commitments as possible.  Sure, it will “hurt” some people because they do not understand what life is.  If people know that this life is but a phase, is but a prelude, and that eternal life is much more important, then people wouldn’t carry so much meaning in this physical life. 

This world is not my home,

This life is not my own,

But whoever owns me controls me.

They can make me happy or sad

Glad or mad.

No, that is only part of it.  I can change my attitude by changing the way I think.  So it works both ways.  If life is too difficult and there is no way out, seek God.  If you can’t seek God, keep seeking God until you reach your end.  For me, my end is when I have less than $500 in my bank account.  I don’t want to be living on the streets; I don’t want to be homeless.  I don’t want to be harassed and attacked and shamed by people.  I don’t want to be judged by men but by God.  Better death with peace than life with war. 

Jesus loving Jesus,

Sweetest name I know

Fills my every longing

Keeps me singing as I go.

I’m ugly too: My experience finding a girlfriend on Craigslist

7/19,20/2014 & 8/1/2014: I’m ugly too: My experience finding a girlfriend on Craigslist

22:53-23:40, 00:18-12:30, E: 11:40pm 

I have a lot to write today partly because I haven’t written for so long.  But, instead of trying to write everything, I’m just going to write on one thing. 

I’m ugly too.  I have a desire to find a companion.  A few weeks ago, I made a post on Craigslist (CL) in the personals section.  I’ll share it here:

I spent a lot of time correcting it and proofreading it.  I made word bubbles to organize my thoughts.  Some people prefer the outline method but I prefer the bubble method where I write and draw lines to connect my thoughts.  Needless to say, I did not organize my writing for this entry so it may not be as good as I hoped, but, I made rough drafts of bubbles in the past and I’m using it.  For this personal, I wanted to balance between sharing about myself and personal safety.  I don’t want to share too little and get no replies nor do I want to share too much and have a chance of getting hurt.  I did not share my picture because people may use them to hurt others.  I read a few personals in CL to get familiarity in writing personals. 

So I went to sleep.  Then came night, then came day.  When I woke up in the morning, I instantly went to my computer and checked my e-mail.  Praise God, a person actually replied to me!  She told me she read my personal, especially the part about God, and she got “hooked.”  From the context of her message, I can reliably tell that this person is not a scammer or a fake person.  It happens a lot on CL.  So, I replied and shared some of my pictures.  She replied and shared me some of hers.  However, that is when my dilemma began.

I looked at her pictures (she is around my age).  She shared a few; among them is a close-up of a face picture.  As I looked at them, I realized that she is not the fit woman I am dreaming of.  Rather, she described herself as “average.”  However, then my thoughts went to God.  I need to see what God sees because man looks at the outward appearance (1 Samuel 16:7).  These two sides, my flesh and my spirit, began to fight within me.  I became hesitant and conflicted.  I am afraid to say no after she sent me the pictures because I don’t want to be mean.  I feel guilty that I’m judging her based on her appearance. 

I was lying on my bed thinking and debating to myself on what to do, all the while knowing that time is ticking and if I take too long to reply, she may think her pictures may have something to do with it.  Finally, I decided to go with it.  I decided to get to know her first before I judge and make a decision.  I want to see her face-to-face.  I want to meet her, to talk to her, and to get to know her.

After exchanging a couple of e-mails, she gave me her phone number and we texted afterwards.  Throughout the entire discourse, I was hesitant.  I did not reply as promptly as I could and I did not give myself 100% due to my internal conflicts.

We texted on the phone.  Initially, it was about everyday topics but then, it was her that moved the conversation to the spiritual.  She texted me that she’s currently listening to K-Love while driving and asked if I knew about this station.  I told her I love K-LOVE and I love their songs.  But, I don’t listen to it.  Instead, I would use K-Love as a repository for my mp3 collection.  K-Love would often send me songs to vote and it is there that I decide whether to download the song on YouTube or not.  I shared with her my Army experience.  I shared with her how difficult Army life was, especially to me, and of how God helped me so much in the Army and that if he didn’t help me, I would have died and never made it.  Then we talked about our favorite Christian songs.  I told her all the contemporary Christian artists that I love, many from K-Love.  I told her, honestly, that I only listened to Christian music.  She told me she listens to other types of music as well.  I told her I also listen to a little bit of County.  She said Country is nice.

I then decided to address the issue of my hesitation and hoped that it doesn’t lead to my ulterior motives.  She picked on that right away.  I messaged her about my hesitance to communicate and she affirmed that right away.  She told me she felt I was not being very communicative.  And then I told her “Man looks at the outward appearance but God sees the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7) and that is when the trouble started.  She started telling me “I knew it” and that I only want “model girls.”  She asked why I didn’t make it clear that appearance is a factor?  I told her that it’s because I’m struggling with God, that my spirit and flesh are at war, and throughout this expedition, they were deadlocked.  There were many times when I was lying on my bed, frozen with indecision.  Finally, I asked if we can talk on the phone.  At an earlier instance, I told her I communicate better by voice than my texting and when I insisted on voice, she told me she was sorry and that she won’t message me anymore.  To that, I apologized and told her I can text, too, but I may be a little inexperienced.  She agreed my request to talk on the phone so I called her.  I was nervous speaking and I felt it was kind of awkward.  She answered and I introduced myself, thanked her, and we talked about various topics, about ourselves, and about God.  I don’t really remember what we talked about but it was similar to the topics that I already described.  I also got to know her work (which I’m not sharing for confidentiality reasons). 

My master plan is that I want to see her, to get to know her first before I make a decision, but throughout this period, she is resistant.  There were many false calls.  I offered to meet at McDonalds next to UTEP, since it’s a public place.  She agreed at first, but told me she can only stay for a short time.  This was around 11pm.  I had my summer classes and everything.  I told her that is fine.  Actually, I think she changed it to the UTEP library.  We were going to meet there and I was going to bicycle there.  But, she told me, at the last minute, that there isn’t enough time.  Then I realized maybe I shouldn’t rush.  Perhaps she isn’t ready.  So I backed off and told her we can meet face-to-face when you are ready.  Later that night, she asked me a serious question.  She told me not to be offended and when I told her it’s ok, I won’t, she asked, “where you thinking about kissing me?”  I have no intensions of doing that!  I just wanted to see her, so I can know her more.  I told her the truth and she accepted it.  We both said good-night to each other and that was the first day (I think, or was it the second?). 

On the second day, she texted me “Good morning!” and waking up late, I greeted her back.  During lunchtime, I asked if she wanted to eat lunch with me.  She replied that she is already eating lunch with a friend at the UTEP Student Union Building, but I can come if I like.  However, since it takes about 15 minutes for me to bike there, she warned that she won’t have much time to converse as she needs to go to work soon.  Man, I biked like there was no tomorrow.  I got dressed like this country is on DEFCON 1 and sped my bicycle to UTEP. 

When I got to the student union building, panting and out of breath, I texted and then called her.  I couldn’t find her.  I was afraid she left because I took too long.  Why are opportunities always so short?  I walked around the Union looking for her.  Then she texted back saying that she’s at the undergraduate learning center saying good-bye to a friend.  Like chasing Carmen San Diego, I rushed there but half-way there, she told me that she’s talking with a friend and walking back to the Union.  I told her that we can meet there.  I walked my bicycle back and waited outside the Union.  I half-expected not to see her and that our relationship is over.  But then, I saw her coming from the steps.  I walked towards her and asked, “Excuse me, are you []?”  She said yes and we greeted each other.  There was a group of students passing me and they looked at us funny when we were introducing ourselves.  We walked into the Union building and sat on the sofa chairs across from each other.  I felt pretty awkward.  I felt this is so weird.  We shared about ourselves, our family history, and then she had to leave.  She told me doesn’t go to UTEP yet but she got accepted and she wants to be an English teacher.  She parked her car by the commercial parking lot near Taco Bell and Whataburger’s.  When bicycling back to my room, I saw her walking and waved her good-bye.  She looked at me and waved bye as well.  I think during the conversation, she also said repeatedly, “what do you think?”  I forgot my answers but I think I gave her positive ones.

When I got back to my studio, more indecision gripped me.  I didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t know if I was ready.  I didn’t know if this is what I really wanted (I spent huge amounts of time trying to understand myself).  I wanted a fairy tale.  Then, she texted back to me thanking and asking me what I thought about the meeting.  I did not reply because I was having a civil war within myself.  Before I continue, since it was on a Monday, I didn’t have my Pre-Calculus lecture today.  Our professor gave us an online quiz to take.  And writing about math, I remembered something.  When I was talking to her, there were times when I told her I was busy because I’m doing my math homework.  So, she left me alone but replied, “Ah, I see.  You are a busy bee.”  As soon as I finished my math homework on Sunday, I texted her to let her know. 

After some computer games, because of the stress, I laid on my bed struggling on what to do.  My spirit and body were at it again.  She seems to be a person who loves God.  She seems nice.  But my flesh also wants the appearance to be positive.  Mary (not her real name but for the purpose of this blog, let’s give her a fictional name), seeing that I didn’t reply gave me a negative answer.  “Perhaps not,” she texted back.  Finally, I decided to get some advice.  I will put this decision or issue on hold and ask my church pastor, and members from my church about this dilemma.  I remembered the story of Rehoboam (2 Chronicles 10) and how bad decisions and bad advice can affect the future.  I texted her back why are you so negative?  I never said anything?  But then she knows that silence can also speak volumes.  When I told her my idea of asking my Christian brothers and sisters for advice, she replied, “You are obviously not interested in me” and “it’s alright because you also go for appearance.”  That was the end of the story and our relationship is over.

But is it really the end?  Wanting to set a positive tone and to have some meaning, I asked, a few hours later, “Mary, what is your favorite song?”  And I added, “My favorite is “He Keeps me Singing.”  A short time later, she replied “free to be me” and “why do you ask?” 

I replied “I just want to know.”

“Ok, that was random,” she answered.

Now that is the end of the story.  She texted again saying “good luck!” a few days later.

If I cannot have a relationship, I want to at least have a song, a death song. 

I almost forgot.  Before we stopped communicating, I told her what I learned from this experience.  I discovered (perhaps rediscovered would be a better word) that I’m ugly, except not on the outside, but on the inside.  “People can be ugly too, and I found that I have aspects of myself that are ugly too.  I think being ugly on the outside is the least of worries because what really matters is being beautiful on the inside, and Mary, you are beautiful on the inside.”

And when she shared her favorite song, I told her the song is awesome and by one of my favorite artists (Francesca Battistelli).  I joked “I can see why you like this song.”  I added this song to my mp3 collection and may this also be one of my favorite songs.

Just for me to see but this is basically my outline after the introduction: 

[Some of the topics you talked about: K-Love, God, Army experience, favorite Christian songs, and finally, meeting in person.]

[How you started talking about your hesitance and her appearance.]

[She accusation that you want “model girls.”]

[Your master plan: To meet her first to get to know her.]

[She asked if I was going to “kiss her”.]

[Different scheduling and rescheduling]

[Meet at utep]

[Day of the trip, how you almost missed seeing/meeting her.]

[Your response afterwards, intense internal struggle, not communicating to her due to that]

[She sees your lack of communication as you are not interested.]

[Your response: did not reply b/c you are still thinking.]

[Your final decision: To talk with church and Christian brothers and sisters for advice, what happened when you told her that.]

[The ending]

[Your final message: her favorite song, share yours, why you asked that question (set positive tone)]

[Analysis of the song as it applies to her, ending, insert YouTube video]

11/20/2013 [Discovery]

11/20/2013:

S: 11:18pm

E: 1:20pm

Note: This is my first blog on Google Blogger.  I chose to use it to test it out so please be patient with me.  Thanks!

Maybe I should write every day, at least short pieces.  Perhaps writing daily will help me in my life.  Right now, my mind is kind of in jumbo.  I’m thinking so many things and forgetting so many at the same time.  I feel disorganized right now, probably the worse time for me to write.  :(

Maybe one of the best forms of writing is to write uninhibited.  There are exceptions, and maybe a balance to that approach, of course, so wisdom will dictate when to use them.  Maybe I should change the tone to myself.  I feel I can write so much easier.  But, if I write to myself, I’ll be too afraid to post it for everyone to see.  So my tone will still be for others, maybe a compromise of both.  I’m writing so many maybes, maybe that’s because there’s so much exceptions and maybes in life and we need God’s wisdom to sort it out.

One thing that is bothering me quite a bit is my eye.  No, it’s not damaged or anything, so don’t feel sorry for me.  Rather, I feel my eye is getting more tired easily.  I attribute that to spending too much time in front of a computer.  That is one reason why I started my weekly (or I hope it to be) fast.  I haven’t fasted for a long time so the fast yesterday was a very lively experience.  No, I didn’t feel much hunger pains, rather, I feel like an electric sensation going through my arms and an altered state of awareness, a little like feverish, mentally.  I do feel, however, that my body is recovering itself.  All those dead cells being replaced.  My body restoring balance.  Not to mention I save a seventh out of my food budget.  Well, not quite, but more like 6.5.  My one-day fast was actually closer to a 30-hour fast (no, not the famine although that was a good experience).  To adjust to my computer-heavy eyeload, I would take breaks and use deep breathing to rest my eyes.  But I feel my eye is getting worse (not vision-wise, stamina) hence the fast.  I also decided to fast as a time to grow closer to God, to realize that “man does not live on bread alone but on the every word that comes from the mouth of God.” 

I messed up yesterday, I sinned against God, but I know that as Christians, we will never be perfect in this life.  I went to the “Rising Our Voices” event at Sunshine Community Center on Friday with my La Fe Intervarsity Christian Fellowship group (whew, long name) and the youth pastor there said those words.  Christians are not perfect but forgiven but as Christians, we all try to be like the Heavenly Father, who is perfect.  We will finally reach our goal once Christ comes again and gives us new bodies.  And my eye got much better thanks to the fast.  I know, I’m a bit disorganized right now.

I hate it how timeliness is almost everything.  If I’m talking to a person and then I forgot to mention an important word or phrase, then it’s almost always too late to add it back and have the same effect.  I get that a lot when I was in the Army.  I would be so afraid talking to some people that I wasn’t able to express myself.  Or, and I just thought of this, sometimes I would think of something that is cool or ingenious to say in class but I was too afraid or too worried about the consequences that I let the opportunity pass.  Then, in hindsight, I should have said it.  Maybe, for me, if I reach the point of debating to myself whether I should say something or not, I should say it.  My filter is already very layered, like the clinical trials in medicine. 

Goodness, I do have quite a few things to say, and that is because this is the first of my many (hopefully) daily or at least semi-daily discoveries (blog).  So I got the Positive Qualities chart from Hanna’s Herb Shop and it is great!  I love it!  I took a picture of the chart and I’m going to share it on Facebook and my blog very soon.  One of the qualities I am focusing on right now is “high-minded.”  Many times, I find that I’m focusing on low things, my mind sometimes gets in the gutter, ahem.  I want to focus on things that are, according to Philippians 4:8, pure, lovely, admirable, or excellent.  Some of the traits, I’m still evaluating myself so please don’t judge me :) , I already have or have experienced.  Traits such as enduring, frugal, careful, reflective, precious, childlike, among others.  But the mass majority, I lack, and some I never even heard about.  But, it’s okay.  What matters is the journey.  Which brings me to my next point (thank God I remembered).

One thing I learned, and thanks to other people’s contributions, is not to see life as goals.  If I don’t get an A I’m a loser.  If I don’t make this interview then I suck.  If I can’t get into my Social Work program than life has no meaning.  If we see life from a goal or external perspective, we will tend to give up more easily if life doesn’t go our way.  I was reading an article two weeks ago on Wall Street Journal about the reason why the author got this far in business is because he had a “systems” approach as opposed to what I call a goal approach.  Life gave him many setbacks, he made many mistakes, but he still chose to keep going.  What gave him the strength to keep going was in his approach.  He doesn’t place a high emphasis on winning or losing but on effort, on enduring, on not giving up.  I call it the journey approach.  I want to see life and my dreams and strivings as a journey not as a win-or-lose goal.  I didn’t get the job I want.  Not a big deal.  What matters is I’m on my journey.  Storms may come, my feet may get muddy, I may even take steps back or get lost, but as long as I’m on my journey, as long as I’m on my path, that’s what counts.  It’s okay if I can’t become a lawyer and fight for human rights.  It’s okay if I can’t have a high-paying job.  It’s ok.  I just need to keep in the journey or path that God has given me.  Great things will come naturally if I just focus on my journey.

I call my journey the Paladin’s path.  I think it should be the cleric’s path.  If you ever played dungeons-and-dragon’s type games or got really into the Lord of the Rings, you will know what I mean.  Actually, if you just like medieval RPG-type games, you will know what I mean.  When I was in the Army, I wanted to be like a Paladin.  A paladin uses physically as well as spiritual strength to fight against evil.  Back then, it sounds fitting for me.  I was more extroverted, I was around people a lot more.  But now, I feel like being a paladin is no longer a perfect fit.  A paladin is 50% spiritual and 50% physical.  I’m not that physical.  Instead, I’m more like a cleric (75% spiritual/magical and 25% physical or melee).  I prefer to spend more time on God than with people or with this world.  I still want to be with people and lead them gently to Christ, hence the 25% physical, but I feel more comfortable with God.  I’m not as spiritual as a priest, or for non-faith terms, a mage, who is 100% spiritual/magical.  As a cleric, I’m more behind-the-scenes support but I can still fight if I chose to.  Ok, I’m talking in codes but if you like RPG games, you will know what I mean.

Gosh, so many status updates.  No wonder I chose to have a blog instead of writing tons of Facebook updates.  Lol, just kidding.  I started writing a journal since 7^th grade because I want to be more in-tune with myself and because I feel it will hold some significance in the future.

I am also looking for ways to earn more money.  It’s hard.  I tried to find ways in the past but I always reached a roadblock.  Oh you can fill out surveys.  I tried that and more often than not, it’s a gimmick or completely not worth my time.  I have spent half an hour just trying to qualify for a survey only to be rejected.  Wow, how wonderful is that.  I was forced to lie and even then, many times, the agency won’t reward you the survey credit.  It’s a mess.  Second, I can sell stuff.  But I don’t have much stuff to sell.  Well, I do have some, but I don’t know the procedures or how to sell them on eBay.  I’m going to find out.  Third, I can have my own vegetable garden or make stuff!  But the problem is I’m renting my room and there’s not much stuff I can make.  I could learn sewing but is it worth the time to make something that could be sold at Wal-Mart for $5?  I am planning to have a little fruit orchard or a vegetable garden once I own a house.  And I prefer to move to a place where there is plenty of annual rainfall.  Then, I can also install a rainwater collection system.  Ok, I’m getting off-topic.  Bottom line is, there’s not a lot of ways to make money besides working.  Oh and I could invest, but that’s for the long-term.  I want money now. 

Recently, in the past few days, I gained more of an insight in making money off-hand.  I could sell my blood plasma.  El Paso has a plasma center very close to where I live.  I could get, if the prices are still current, about $30 per donation and I can donate twice a week.  That’s $60 a week or, being optimistic, $240 a month.  Pretty good deal.  I do need to learn how to see stuff on eBay.  The part I’m most confused in is when a customer places an order.  What do I do next?  Do I just get a box, write the customer’s mailing address, and ship it from a local post office?  A church family gave me a box of Super Nintendo games and I’m thinking about selling them.  I feel bad about selling those because it has sentimental value.  I also could, ok don’t hate me, sell my sperm at a sperm bank.  When it is time for me to masturbate, I will not use any of their supplementary materials because I don’t want to sin against God.  However, the problem with that is I may not qualify.  In general and to be stereotypical, I need to be White, six-feet tall, and a traceable family history going back to at least four generations.  Well, I could give it a try, but I’m not optimistic. 

I want to end my post about God.  What I really need to do, and what I would ideally want to do if I have the discipline, is just to talk to God.  That is the best use of my (and I daresay our) time.  I do find that everything (good) comes from God.  Being with God gives me peace, direction, purpose, and inspiration, and wisdom.  If I can just spend time with God all the days of my life, then everything will be ok.  It is the life to come that counts.  One of the values I am focusing on, as I wrote earlier, is “high-minded.”  I don’t want to waste my time or focus on things that are worthless, so, I spent my time on productive things.  However, the things I switched to productively doesn’t really focus on God.  I just shifted gear to how to make more money, interesting information that might be useful, and real-world life learning.  The chief of high-minded is in the spirit.  I should also be focusing more time on spiritual things.  That is partly why I feel so disorganized and random.  I need to seek God first and then everything else.

Ok, this is another one of my longest blog/discovery/journal pieces I have written in a while, at 2,085 words and counting.  To end this blog, I want to share a song that gave me motivation.  “They can try to deny what’s inside of me / But there is more, can’t ignore all the things unseen.”  I know that it is God who helped me in my life and without Him, I would die.  The secular world can call this “God” by other names, such as wishful thinking, positive thinking, stress-displacement, empowerment, inner-strength (strange cause I feel I got none), placebo effect, etc, but I know that it is God’s spiritual power that gave the strength and power to live life.  Without God, I would had broken down when times are hard.  Instead, I pray and I felt strength.  It’s hard to explain it.  I know God is real because I’ve experienced Him working in my life.