Showing posts with label confusion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confusion. Show all posts

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

What should I do with my housing condition? [Counsel Panel]

Started on 11/4/2015

So I asked friends and family and talked to myself for some advice for my future and here is a good listing of opinions that I got.  I’m so confused!  It’s like I’m hearing different voices.  Each of these “advice” seem to be sound. 

Should I buy a house here in El Paso? / What should I do with my housing condition?

Advisor 1: It doesn’t really matter what you do, either way is fine.  God will take care of you.  What matters is that you worship God.

Advisor 2: You should move back Los Angeles and stay with your dad.  I know you care about privacy but your dad is getting old.  The rent is free.  He welcomes you.  I know you might be afraid of him but I think you are better prepared now.  Plus, you can also find a job there as well.  As for the church, remember that home church that you been to once?  They were very nice.  I’m sure you can rejoin them.  Failing that, you can just find a church to your liking.  I’m sure there are supernatural churches in LA.

Advisor 3: You should just stay in El Paso.  You know the area, you know Fort Bliss.  You can be more independent.  You can talk to yourself and to God more and more openly.  Plus, you have your supernatural church here. 

Advisor 4: You should focus on three things only: God, money, and a soulmate.  Those are the three things that make you happy.  El Paso has God, a little money, and probably a soulmate.  Los Angeles can have God, more money, but it might be harder to find a soulmate if you live with your parents. 

Advisor 5: Just continue to stay where you are.  Rent for now.  You are still uncertain about your future, whether you want to continue school, go into trucking, go into the postal service, or stay at your call center job.  And, your Ignite church will be moving, location unknown.  Wouldn’t it be nice to move right next to your church?  And, since you want to stay where you are, which is right next to UTEP, perhaps you should go to school full-time.

Advisor 6: Same as above but go to school part-time and work part-time.  It’s important that you at least have some income.  It’s not good to depend too much on your family and loans that you have to pay back.

Advisor 7: Buy the house.  You can rent out the house to other people and have an income there.  You can have more diversified income.  Plus, you have family support.

Advisor 8: You are already 28 years old.  You’re running out of time to prepare yourself.  Just get established.  Stay at your call center job, buy a house here in El Paso, work full-time or part-time and be with God, and go to your supernatural church.  God will take care of the rest.

Advisor 9: You know what?  Life is just too difficult.  There are too many stress, difficulties, regrets, and unknowns.  I think you should just die and be with God.  The living will envy the dead.

Advisor 10: Quit your call center job.  You should be working at a happy job, not a gloomy job where you deal with negative people.  Find a happy job, anywhere, and stay there.  Do a job that you like, for example trucking.  You say you can talk to God and listen to your Christian music while you drive.  Wouldn’t that be nice?  And the paycheck isn’t too bad either.

Advisor 11: Stay in El Paso.  Your spiritual mentor already told you that you are living in the end times.  You need to be attending a supernatural church.  Just stay in El Paso, do what you need to survive here, and worship God.

Advisor 12: Buy a house, don’t rent.  Renting gives your money to the landlord.  Buying invests the money in yourself.  Plus, you can rent it out to other people for extra money.  Buy as soon as possible.  If you calculated the total amount that you spent in rent, you would have been able to do a nice down payment on a house already.

Advisor 13: Move to a cheaper place.  If you buy, you have to pay the property tax, which, as you calculated, is about $100-$150 a month.  With that cost, it is better to just find a cheaper place to rent for, say $200-300 a month with all utilities included.  You are paying about $400 a month currently.  Just bring it down to $300 and you save $1,200 a year.  

Advisor 14: If you buy the house, you can not only rent but can help other people.  If someone is in need, they can stay for free and you can help them.  Additionally, you can have a room *just* for God, like a temple in the old times.  Not having a room distracts my relationship with God to a degree.  Wouldn’t it be nice to have a room, where it is completely dark, with maybe a candle, a cross, and spiritual decorations around to set the atmosphere where you can spend an eternally there?  That room can be your altar.  I know your pastor said that is the old times but it is still possible and I will still make sacrifices to God (personal sacrifices). 

Advisor 15: You don’t need a degree to do social work.  You made a mistake.  You should focus on helping yourself instead of trying to save the world.  Get a second degree in a technology field and then apply for jobs in the Silicon Valley area.  Last I heard, there is a huge demand for jobs.  And you can be happy; you will have a happy job. 



There is a saying I made myself that goes “If I don’t know what to do, I will worship You.”

Sunday, August 2, 2015

2015.8.2

2015.8.2

There is a lot of similarity between an evangelist and an insurance sales agent.  One sells the near-future while the other offers the eternal future.  In both professions, I have to talk to people; I have to offer them a product that is better than what they have now. 

I just finished design my business card.  On the front is the usual information: name, address, business logo, etc, but on the other, is a comparison of the change and the status quo (401k, banks, other investment products, I’m not showing the chart b/c I’m not here to advertise).

People don’t like change, they tend to resist it, but in both cases, I have to try; I have to at least plant the seed.  However, one is easier than the other. 

People would want to buy life index fund insurances but they may not want to accept Jesus into their hearts.  The latter carries more responsibilities and consequences. 
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Ok, the following may or may not be censored.  It’s harder for me to write if I have to watch and censor my words and thoughts.  I feel inhibited and people can’t be at their best if they are inhibited.

Today, Pastor Patty preached to us about the importance of having a relationship with God.  She mentions that many life problems such as doubt is caused by a weak relationship with God.  We doubt because we do not trust God and doubt leads to fear and confusion.  No wonder I am so confused with my life.  The only thing I am not confused is the importance of seeking God but even in doing that, I am struggling.  But, I find that the times when I do seek God and spend time with him, I feel peace, and I feel in control of my life.  In a way, it’s ironic.  By seeking God, I gain direction on what to do in the world. 
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Wow, I can’t think right now.  In a way, I’m happy that I got some work done, but in another way, I could have done better.  Even today, I played hours of computer games.  The three areas that are competing each other in my life are God, games, and girls.  Haha.  But, as Helen said, there could only be one: God.  The reason why I’m in the mess I am in now (lack of direction) is because I failed to spend time with God.  I feel I have great potential with Him and I do want to seek Him.  But other things in the world are more alluring.  They are more fun.  They are more exciting, or so it seems, than God. 
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As I said regularly, I feel like killing myself.  I feel like ending my life.  It may seem unthinkable or shocking to some people, but, in a way and as I grow in God, I learn the value of life.  I see life as something to be taken lightly because God is in control and He will be the judge.  The Bible says whoever saves his life will lose it.  Many people who do not know God value their lives because it is the only thing they have.  They are selfish, they refuse to die to themselves, or to sacrifice to help others.  But I know that the value of life depends on the quality of it.  Job said that it is better to be a stillborn child than to live a life of suffering.  If my life feeds and weakens other people, then it is better for me not to live.  It is an act of resistance against poverty and lack.  I don’t want to be homeless and suffer for the rest of my life.  I would rather die.  Or if I do live, then I’ll live for God, but only God.  But many times, actually most of the time, I fail to live for God.  So then, what is the point of my life?  What is my life without God?
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I find that the best way to talk and interact and act around other people is just to let go.  To let go of myself and my agendas and to let them think and act.  To be humble and only say what is needed, for with many words comes strife and sin is not absent.  By avoiding many words, I am also confusing the devil and those who are evil.  They do not know as much as if I would speak more frequently.  Speak just enough and act humbly.  Speak when you can change and with fewer words, you can influence the outcome.  Gold for silence but silver for words.
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Going back to the life debate again, because I know it is very controversial, people should have the right to die.  It should be a right, and an act of freedom.  This can bring equality to the classes.  The rich don’t want the poor to die but they want the poor to suffer.  Why suffer if one can have rest, if one can have peace?  However, should someone choose to die, that person should have a few commitments as possible.  Why did I choose not to die while in the Army?  Because I promised to serve my country and I will be letting my unit down.  So I decided to wait until I’m done.  And I’m single.  If I have a family, with a wife and kids, doing this may be unethical since it will hurt them and probably cause them to die, too.  As few commitments as possible.  Sure, it will “hurt” some people because they do not understand what life is.  If people know that this life is but a phase, is but a prelude, and that eternal life is much more important, then people wouldn’t carry so much meaning in this physical life. 

This world is not my home,
This life is not my own,
But whoever owns me controls me.

They can make me happy or sad
Glad or mad.

No, that is only part of it.  I can change my attitude by changing the way I think.  So it works both ways.  If life is too difficult and there is no way out, seek God.  If you can’t seek God, keep seeking God until you reach your end.  For me, my end is when I have less than $500 in my bank account.  I don’t want to be living on the streets; I don’t want to be homeless.  I don’t want to be harassed and attacked and shamed by people.  I don’t want to be judged by men but by God.  Better death with peace than life with war. 

Jesus loving Jesus,
Sweetest name I know
Fills my every longing

Keeps me singing as I go.

2015.7.13

2015.7.13

10:20pm – 10:35pm

It has been a long time since I wrote.  In a way, I don’t feel like writing anything but in another, writing helps me to improve my writing skills.  One reason why I became a good writer is because of writing this discovery. 

Why do I stop writing?  I feel it is many reasons but I don’t feel like writing about that now.

Today, at least right now, I just want to write about my thoughts and feelings and maybe my future me can read this. 

First off, all honor is given to God.  He reigns forever and ever.  Mercy and grace are His.  So is his love and kindness.  It is because of Him that I’m still alive. 

Lord, maybe I’m writing this discovery to you, maybe this writing is directed to you, I don’t know.  But, I want to be closer with God, to be closer to Him, to be in His presence. 

In my life, the only thing that matters is my relationship with God.  Nothing else should really matter.  But, that is not the case.  I am tormented, confused about my future.  Should I go west, or east?  South or north?  Or should I just stay here?  No, one thing I am sure of is I do not want to stay where I’m at.  Right now, I just want to spend time with God.  That is the only thing my confused body, soul, and spirit can agree on.  God.  Only one answer, one word: God. 

I’m confused, I don’t know what to do.  No, I need to rebuke that.  I need to rebuke that spirit of confusing.  I need to tell myself that I am not confused but directed, with a purpose, alert, that I know what to do.  I don’t know a single word for it.

Ok, let’s start with what I do know.  I know I need to love God.  I know I want to love God.  I know I want to spend time with God.  I know I want to help people.  I know I want to be healthy.  There is a pause in my thinking so I think that is what I really want.  That is it.  Everything else, career, family, love, pleasure, is clouded with doubt.

So, this is what I’m going to do.  I’m going to cling on the old rugged cross.  I’m just going to be with God and do what I know I want to do.  If I only do what I want to do, then my life will be worth it. 

But what about making a living?  Earning an income?  Commitments?  Those thoughts and things torment me.  I can’t do what I want to do completely because of them.  Can God rain down mana?  Can he rain down water or quail?  Yes He can.  Then what am I worrying about?  Then what about promises?  Maybe I can just tell them that I’m fasting.  No, if I do tell them that, then I really need to do that.  My God is the God of truth.  Then I’ll just tell them the truth then, that I need to spend more time with God.  It’s going to be embarrassing, it’s going to be hard, but it will be worth it.  Ok, I can do that then, but I will finish my immediate commitments.  I don’t have the heart to say no to what I said “yes” to before. 

God, help me.  I am ensnared by my past commitments.  By my past promises.  If these things suck up so much of my time, then I guess there is only one thing that I can do.  I will seek You for as much as I can.  Everything that is not needed for life or promises that I have made will be discarded.  As much of God as possible in my current state and as less of me as possible in my current state. 

I don’t know how much time I have.  I’m not happy with the free time that I do have, so, I’m going to have to make the best of it.  Sigh, I hate life.  Life sucks.  I just want to die.  Why am I still alive?  I’m alive because of God.  And I need to rebuke those words and thoughts.  No, God made life.  Life in His way is wonderful.  I will walk with Jesus and live my life in God. 


I’m so confused about so many things but one thing I am not confused in is to seek and spend time with God.  Lord, you saw this writing and blog.  May you help me.  Thank you God.