The most important thing in my life, or at least I try to make it to be, is God. This is a blog about my reflections, thoughts, happenings, thinking, and my story with God.
See my older blogs at http://stevenlovesjesus.wordpress.com/
This afternoon, I went to HOP
(House of Peace or House of Prayer) from Ignite Movement Church. Today’s short sermon at my home fellowship coincidentally
applies to this topic of humankind’s mission on earth. I would like to add a second installment.
On the
Fourth of July, America celebrates one of its most famous holidays. It celebrates its independence from Great Britain
with great fanfare. However, no nation
nor person is truly independent.
The spirit
of independence in a person is contradictory to God’s plan for us. By choosing to be independent, we declare to
God that we are in control and not God; that we know better than God. This spirit originates from Satan. Why did Satan rebel? Because he wanted independence rather than
dependence on God and he swayed a third of the angels with him. When we are independent, we are no different
than Satan.
Man is a
dependent being. He needs food, air,
water, and so forth. By nature, he is
not independent. Rather, God provides
for humanity. Everything must be asked
from God. We need to depend on God because
we are not God.
Ironically,
true freedom is obtained when we are dependent and enslaved to God, for it is
in Christ that we are free (Gal. 5:1). If
we don’t choose God than we will be slaved by Satan, by the world, and by our
flesh. Slavery tends to have a bad
rap. It earned a bad reputation because
the slaves on earth are controlled by human masters, who are prone to sin. However, God is a master that is all-loving
and good.
An example
of a slave (in a good term) is Jesus.
Jesus, when he came down to Earth, was totally dependent on God. He would not do anything his Father had not
done. Jesus depended so much on God that
he knew his life isn’t even his. He is
the biggest slave to God.
So where
does the spirit of independence come from?
It comes from the Garden of Eden, when Adam and Eve chose to eat from
the tree of knowledge. They think they
know better. They think they will be
like God. Before, God provided everything
directly, but now, human beings have to work from the sweat of their brow to
survive. From then on came science, came
technology. They make life easier for
human beings but, in a way, science can be seen as man’s attempt to be like
God. Look at the tower of Babel, it was
an engineering feat. Look at the
castles, the walls, the strongholds, the iron chariots made by man. Mankind try to use technology to be like
God.
However, this is where I am
stuck. I know that science and
technology came after the Fall, i.e. the fall of man. However, many great Christians are scientists,
such as Mendel, Newton, and Copernicus. Thus,
science can be God’s revelation to man.
This is, after all, my Father’s world.
So, it depends on the intention.
If a person chooses to be a scientist because he or she is inspired by
God’s creation, than that is right.
However, if that same person choose the profession to be like God; to
defeat Him, than it is wrong. However,
since humankind is generally evil, these multipliers will do more harm than
good.
The bottom line is this: Life doesn’t
have to be so complicated. If humankind,
if America, were to submit to God, to have total dependence on Him, God will
heal the person and this country.
There’s of course plenty of topics that I can write,
however, I’m only going to write about a few of them.
I feel I screwed up.
I messed up. I don’t think it’s
really fair. I didn’t do anything that
deserves this predicament. I mean all I
do is play games, that’s it, and a little side of questionable activities. That’s it.
Now I realize how important networking and connections
are. I mean I already know it is
important, but it’s hard to be in the groove, should I say. They don’t just come to you and even if I
look for it, I still don’t get it.
Ok, reality check. So
far, I can only think of one person who can give me a recommendation or fill
out those tedious recommendation letters.
I mean I do have a few, if I think about it, but they owe me
nothing. It stinks that after a few
years, or a few months, connections with people fades. The person who can give me a recommendation
two years ago probably will have a harder time due to the passage of time. I have three graduate schools I’m planning to
apply. My strategy is to have one
graduate school for safety, that is, a school that I can have a safe bet that I’ll
be accepted, and two others that I think are challenging. Each of these three schools requires 3
recommendations. So, 3 times 3 is
9. I need nine recommendations! I don’t want to bother 3 people 3 times for
each recommendation. Sigh, so
stressful.
Take a look at my case.
I spend most of my time alone. I don’t
work. I used to volunteer. I mainly just focus on my studies. I am in my social work club but I haven’t met
any professionals there. The few times I
attend my Christian club I haven’t met professionals. Just students. I used to go to church but I stopped going partially
because they discriminate against me. I can
feel it, Asian-sense. So I really don’t
have much people I can ask. My dad tells
me I am the kindest and smartest person in the world but family doesn’t
count. So what is someone like me
supposed to do? Time passes, people don’t
remember me anymore.
I feel this recommendation bullshit is also biased towards
those in poverty. They have fewer
connections and have less time to build “professional” connections. They probably spend most of the time
working.
Oh and my dad told me what about the military? Military doesn’t work either. The change-over is too great. If I were to go to Fort Bliss right now, I
will not recognize 99% of the soldiers there, let alone my old
supervisors. I tried it. We are talking about a 50% retention rate per
year.
Tbh, I feel people think I’m just a piece of shit. Some person they are forced to take care
of. Like trash. Just because I’m still single doesn’t mean I
am shit. I feel the notion of family
(traditional family) is shit too. It is
an archaic glorification of the frontier age.
The frontier is gone. There is no
more space for the human population to grow.
More people creates more competition.
Competition for resources, land, jobs.
Nations are fighting each other to sustain their demand. Completion brings out the ugly side of human
nature. The end is coming.
Space used to be the “final frontier” but the funny thing is the United States
doesn’t even have a single working shuttle.
And as science catches up to the truth, colonization in space is more
difficult than it seemed.
But then again, why should mankind spread more evil in the
universe? The greater the human
population, the greater the atrocities. As C.S. Lewis said, “Let's pray that
the human race never escapes from Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere.”
I have many things I can write, with the exceptional logic
God has given me. It doesn’t require any
degrees or PhD’s.
Technology is
useless. No, it is negative. Why is it negative? Well, technology is not good or bad in itself
because it is simply a modifier. Like
the tractor is more productive than the plow.
However, human beings can be good or evil. Evil to destroy the world. Good to improve the world. However, the natural law states that it is
easier to destroy than to build. Evil
will have more influence. Now we have
nukes. Evil people can destroy our world. More on this on another blog later. I already started it.
One of the earthy wisdom is correct. That a good beginning usually means a good
end. If someone has a good start, that
person is likely to also finish well.
However, if someone messes up or made mistakes, it’s doubly hard for
that person to catch up. You dig
yourself in a hole, you have the fill the hole up first before you can start on
your mountain. If someone gets bad
grades in high school, that person will have a difficult time to even get into
college. His or her career will be
affected, and so forth. Bad beginnings
carry more weight than anywhere else. It
also leads to depression, which just spirals a person down even more.
I’m starting to think my experiences in the Army is just a
placebo effect. Put anyone in a
difficult situation and he or she will start seeking the supernatural. Even atheists may start praying if they are
about to die. I seek God and, somehow, I
was able to survive. That somehow is
because my spirit grew stronger to overcome deficiencies in my body and
soul. I was stupid and weak in the
Army. That spirit-soul-body notion makes
sense.
Right now, I’m seeing religion as simply a conduit to the
Creator. Different religions have
different conduits to the Creator, some more accurate and some less. Christianity is a conduit, as is Islam. Religion is man’s way of seeking God. I feel I’m more of a theist now. The universe had a beginning but I feel, so
far, there is no one true religion. Yet,
new religions, sects, branches, denominations, etc, evolve in an attempt to
seek the Creator more perfectly. Like
when Winston Churchill said that democracy is the worse form of government
except that all other forms have already been tried. There is no pure answer yet, and there
probably never will be, but each new development in religion may lead to a
closer answer.
Looking at human psychology, I can see that many people have
a desire for destiny. They want to
achieve something big but if they can’t achieve it in acceptable or good ways,
they may do it in negative or evil ways.
As an expert I read once said, “They know it is better to a somebody
than a nobody.” Look at Columbine, Sandy
Hook, terrorist bombings, the subway stabbing in Taiwan (when the perpetrator said
he wanted to “do something big”), etc.
These people go out with a bang.
Yes, it is evil, but there may be circumstances that lead to it. Look at Hitler. Perhaps some people try to be successful, to
be accepted, to be a somebody but fail miserably in acceptable ways. Then, because humans have a desire for
greatness, more than their desire to be good, they become a notorious evil
person. Why do people join gangs? Or do dangerous things? Many people also have a Samson Option if
their lives fall apart.
Ok, it is 1:38am now.
I really do need to be sleeping.
To me, I feel my life is a tragedy. To quote JJ Heller, and “it’s driving [me] down
to my knees.”
7/19,20/2014 & 8/1/2014: I’m ugly too: My experience finding a girlfriend on Craigslist
22:53-23:40, 00:18-12:30, E: 11:40pm
I have a lot to write today partly because I haven’t written
for so long. But, instead of trying to
write everything, I’m just going to write on one thing.
I’m ugly too. I have
a desire to find a companion. A few
weeks ago, I made a post on Craigslist (CL) in the personals section. I’ll share it here:
I spent a lot of time correcting it and proofreading
it. I made word bubbles to organize my
thoughts. Some people prefer the outline
method but I prefer the bubble method where I write and draw lines to connect
my thoughts. Needless to say, I did not
organize my writing for this entry so it may not be as good as I hoped, but, I
made rough drafts of bubbles in the past and I’m using it. For this personal, I wanted to balance
between sharing about myself and personal safety. I don’t want to share too little and get no
replies nor do I want to share too much and have a chance of getting hurt. I did not share my picture because people may
use them to hurt others. I read a few
personals in CL to get familiarity in writing personals.
So I went to sleep.
Then came night, then came day. When
I woke up in the morning, I instantly went to my computer and checked my
e-mail. Praise God, a person actually
replied to me! She told me she read my
personal, especially the part about God, and she got “hooked.” From the context of her message, I can
reliably tell that this person is not a scammer or a fake person. It happens a lot on CL. So, I replied and shared some of my pictures. She replied and shared me some of hers. However, that is when my dilemma began.
I looked at her pictures (she is around my age). She shared a few; among them is a close-up of
a face picture. As I looked at them, I
realized that she is not the fit woman I am dreaming of. Rather, she described herself as
“average.” However, then my thoughts
went to God. I need to see what God sees
because man looks at the outward appearance (1 Samuel 16:7). These two sides, my flesh and my spirit,
began to fight within me. I became hesitant
and conflicted. I am afraid to say no
after she sent me the pictures because I don’t want to be mean. I feel guilty that I’m judging her based on
her appearance.
I was lying on my bed thinking and debating to myself on
what to do, all the while knowing that time is ticking and if I take too long
to reply, she may think her pictures may have something to do with it. Finally, I decided to go with it. I decided to get to know her first before I
judge and make a decision. I want to see
her face-to-face. I want to meet her, to
talk to her, and to get to know her.
After exchanging a couple of e-mails, she gave me her phone
number and we texted afterwards.
Throughout the entire discourse, I was hesitant. I did not reply as promptly as I could and I
did not give myself 100% due to my internal conflicts.
We texted on the phone.
Initially, it was about everyday topics but then, it was her that moved
the conversation to the spiritual. She
texted me that she’s currently listening to K-Love while driving and asked if I
knew about this station. I told her I
love K-LOVE and I love their songs. But,
I don’t listen to it. Instead, I would
use K-Love as a repository for my mp3 collection. K-Love would often send me songs to vote and
it is there that I decide whether to download the song on YouTube or not. I shared with her my Army experience. I shared with her how difficult Army life
was, especially to me, and of how God helped me so much in the Army and that if
he didn’t help me, I would have died and never made it. Then we talked about our favorite Christian
songs. I told her all the contemporary
Christian artists that I love, many from K-Love. I told her, honestly, that I only listened to
Christian music. She told me she listens
to other types of music as well. I told
her I also listen to a little bit of County.
She said Country is nice.
I then decided to address the issue of my hesitation and
hoped that it doesn’t lead to my ulterior motives. She picked on that right away. I messaged her about my hesitance to communicate
and she affirmed that right away. She
told me she felt I was not being very communicative. And then I told her “Man looks at the outward
appearance but God sees the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7) and that is when the trouble
started. She started telling me “I knew
it” and that I only want “model girls.”
She asked why I didn’t make it clear that appearance is a factor? I told her that it’s because I’m struggling
with God, that my spirit and flesh are at war, and throughout this expedition,
they were deadlocked. There were many
times when I was lying on my bed, frozen with indecision. Finally, I asked if we can talk on the
phone. At an earlier instance, I told
her I communicate better by voice than my texting and when I insisted on voice,
she told me she was sorry and that she won’t message me anymore. To that, I apologized and told her I can
text, too, but I may be a little inexperienced.
She agreed my request to talk on the phone so I called her. I was nervous speaking and I felt it was kind
of awkward. She answered and I
introduced myself, thanked her, and we talked about various topics, about ourselves,
and about God. I don’t really remember
what we talked about but it was similar to the topics that I already
described. I also got to know her work
(which I’m not sharing for confidentiality reasons).
My master plan is that I want to see her, to get to know her
first before I make a decision, but throughout this period, she is
resistant. There were many false
calls. I offered to meet at McDonalds
next to UTEP, since it’s a public place.
She agreed at first, but told me she can only stay for a short
time. This was around 11pm. I had my summer classes and everything. I told her that is fine. Actually, I think she changed it to the UTEP
library. We were going to meet there and
I was going to bicycle there. But, she
told me, at the last minute, that there isn’t enough time. Then I realized maybe I shouldn’t rush. Perhaps she isn’t ready. So I backed off and told her we can meet
face-to-face when you are ready. Later
that night, she asked me a serious question.
She told me not to be offended and when I told her it’s ok, I won’t, she
asked, “where you thinking about kissing me?”
I have no intensions of doing that!
I just wanted to see her, so I can know her more. I told her the truth and she accepted
it. We both said good-night to each
other and that was the first day (I think, or was it the second?).
On the second day, she texted me “Good morning!” and waking
up late, I greeted her back. During
lunchtime, I asked if she wanted to eat lunch with me. She replied that she is already eating lunch
with a friend at the UTEP Student Union Building, but I can come if I
like. However, since it takes about 15
minutes for me to bike there, she warned that she won’t have much time to
converse as she needs to go to work soon.
Man, I biked like there was no tomorrow.
I got dressed like this country is on DEFCON 1 and sped my bicycle to
UTEP.
When I got to the student union building, panting and out of
breath, I texted and then called her. I
couldn’t find her. I was afraid she left
because I took too long. Why are opportunities
always so short? I walked around the
Union looking for her. Then she texted
back saying that she’s at the undergraduate learning center saying good-bye to
a friend. Like chasing Carmen San Diego,
I rushed there but half-way there, she told me that she’s talking with a friend
and walking back to the Union. I told
her that we can meet there. I walked my
bicycle back and waited outside the Union.
I half-expected not to see her and that our relationship is over. But then, I saw her coming from the
steps. I walked towards her and asked, “Excuse
me, are you []?” She said yes and we
greeted each other. There was a group of
students passing me and they looked at us funny when we were introducing
ourselves. We walked into the Union
building and sat on the sofa chairs across from each other. I felt pretty awkward. I felt this is so weird. We shared about ourselves, our family history,
and then she had to leave. She told me
doesn’t go to UTEP yet but she got accepted and she wants to be an English
teacher. She parked her car by the commercial
parking lot near Taco Bell and Whataburger’s.
When bicycling back to my room, I saw her walking and waved her
good-bye. She looked at me and waved bye
as well. I think during the conversation,
she also said repeatedly, “what do you think?” I forgot my answers but I think I gave her
positive ones.
When I got back to my studio, more indecision gripped
me. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know if I was ready. I didn’t know if this is what I really wanted
(I spent huge amounts of time trying to understand myself). I wanted a fairy tale. Then, she texted back to me thanking and asking
me what I thought about the meeting. I
did not reply because I was having a civil war within myself. Before I continue, since it was on a Monday,
I didn’t have my Pre-Calculus lecture today.
Our professor gave us an online quiz to take. And writing about math, I remembered
something. When I was talking to her, there
were times when I told her I was busy because I’m doing my math homework. So, she left me alone but replied, “Ah, I
see. You are a busy bee.” As soon as I finished my math homework on
Sunday, I texted her to let her know.
After some computer games, because of the stress, I laid on
my bed struggling on what to do. My
spirit and body were at it again. She
seems to be a person who loves God. She
seems nice. But my flesh also wants the
appearance to be positive. Mary (not her
real name but for the purpose of this blog, let’s give her a fictional name),
seeing that I didn’t reply gave me a negative answer. “Perhaps not,” she texted back. Finally, I decided to get some advice. I will put this decision or issue on hold and
ask my church pastor, and members from my church about this dilemma. I remembered the story of Rehoboam (2
Chronicles 10) and how bad decisions and bad advice can affect the future. I texted her back why are you so
negative? I never said anything? But then she knows that silence can also
speak volumes. When I told her my idea
of asking my Christian brothers and sisters for advice, she replied, “You are
obviously not interested in me” and “it’s alright because you also go for
appearance.” That was the end of the
story and our relationship is over.
But is it really the end?
Wanting to set a positive tone and to have some meaning, I asked, a few
hours later, “Mary, what is your favorite song?” And I added, “My favorite is “He Keeps me
Singing.” A short time later, she
replied “free to be me” and “why do you ask?”
I replied “I just want to know.”
“Ok, that was random,” she answered.
Now that is the end of the story. She texted again saying “good luck!” a few
days later.
If I cannot have a relationship, I want to at least have a
song, a death song.
I almost forgot.
Before we stopped communicating, I told her what I learned from this
experience. I discovered (perhaps
rediscovered would be a better word) that I’m ugly, except not on the outside,
but on the inside. “People can be ugly
too, and I found that I have aspects of myself that are ugly too. I think being ugly on the outside is the
least of worries because what really matters is being beautiful on the inside,
and Mary, you are beautiful on the inside.”
And when she shared her favorite song, I told her the song is
awesome and by one of my favorite artists (Francesca Battistelli). I joked “I can see why you like this song.” I added this song to my mp3 collection and
may this also be one of my favorite songs.
Just for me to see but this is basically my outline after the introduction:
[Some of the topics you talked about: K-Love, God, Army
experience, favorite Christian songs, and finally, meeting in person.]
[How you started talking about your hesitance and her
appearance.]
[She accusation that you want “model girls.”]
[Your master plan: To meet her first to get to know her.]
[She asked if I was going to “kiss her”.]
[Different scheduling and rescheduling]
[Meet at utep]
[Day of the trip, how you almost missed seeing/meeting her.]
[Your response afterwards, intense internal struggle, not
communicating to her due to that]
[She sees your lack of communication as you are not
interested.]
[Your response: did not reply b/c you are still thinking.]
[Your final decision: To talk with church and Christian
brothers and sisters for advice, what happened when you told her that.]
[The ending]
[Your final message: her favorite song, share yours, why you
asked that question (set positive tone)]
[Analysis of the song as it applies to her, ending, insert
YouTube video]
