My Everything

2015.11.3: My Everything

12:48am – 1:04am

His grace is all I need.  His power when I’m weak.  And His love that carries me will always be enough.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t want to write anymore.  ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  I count my life as worth living if I have a girl and God.  No games.  I remember telling my mentor that, the three G’s, but she told me to take out games.  Correction, she told me to leave in only God.  Haha, of course.  More of Him and less of me. 

--------------------------------  I know what to do with money but I need God to give me more.  Why is money given to those who cannot manage it?  Well, I might be wrong, but it may seem so.  And I’m the outlier. 

Anyways, what I want to write today is about God’s love and God’s grace.  He helped me so much.  People may not see it.  I may not feel it, but God is helping me.  He is giving me mercy and grace.  God gives me mercy and grace.  And I am rebuilding my altar.  My altar in the evening dews and damps.  7 days with God --------------------------------------------------  But every day after that must be for God, if I mess up, then I have to do the seven days again.  -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

God is my only bright spot.  He is my only hope.  In the hopelessness of this world, of my world, He is my shining light.  He is the one that keeps me singing.  I don’t care what they think; I don’t care what they say, with God. 

I have to be the one that stays with the supplies because I am too weak to fight on Halloween.  And I only watched the supplies for a fraction of the time I am supposed to watch it. 

I know what God requires of me.  To give him sacrifices every day.  To build my altar for Him every day.  To seek Him daily.  To be intimate with Him.  Every discretionary time should be spent with Him.  There is never too much. 

I feel writing this blog, in some ways, hurts my faith.  I’m not writing to show up.  No, I’m writing to share.  But that intention gets attacked by other special interests. 

The only thing I have left is God.  He is the one, the only one, that keeps me alive.  He is the only one that keeps me singing.  He is the only one that gives me true happiness, or happiness in general.  He is the only one whom I can talk to, to seek justice, to bless, to intercede.  He is my equalizer.  He is my secret weapon.  He is my everything.  

Heart Like You

3/17/2015: Heart Like You

1:28am – 2:40am

I just want to be what you want me to be

I just want a heart that’s true.

A heart like you.

God extended my life today.  Today, I was not prepared to give my research presentation for class today.  I already lost 10% of my grade by turning one of my assignments late.  To lose another 10% would be unthinkable.  Yet, in class when the professor drew names, I was spared.  My name was not chosen, but, another woman who was also not prepared was not so lucky.

“I’m not prepared,” she said, and the professor simply drew another name. 

She probably just lost 10% of her grade.  I hear other students say they were angry at her.

“She had the whole spring break,” one of my classmates said, “How can she do that?”

I feel so guilty.  We were both not prepared, yet, she bore the cross for me.  I’m thinking about telling her about this, and, if she’s single, ask her on a date. 

Or, at the very least, go to class next Monday and, before my presentation, tell the class, “To be honest, I was not prepared last Monday and, to be fair, I would like to receive half-credit for my presentation.”

If the professor or classmates persist, I would say, “It is not fair that one of my classmates and I did not prepare, and yet, one of us got full credit and the other got a zero.”

If I fail this class, then so be it.  I would rather do what is right, to have honor, than to take advantage of injustice.  Ironically, this class should be one of the easiest of the social work classes.  There are almost no major papers due, just presentations and SOAP notes that I can finish in five minutes.  Thus, due to the scarcity of the assignments, the assignments that the class does have are weighted more.  Just missing one assignment due to negligence can cost a student the class.  Funny thing is that in my other social work practice class, which is much more intensive with short papers, tests, and assessments to do, I am thriving. 

-

I went to that class late, in a very depressed mood, knowing that if the professor called my name, I am fucked.  I took out a sheet of paper, pretending to take notes, but all I could think about was this song, and the band.  I scribbled the lyrics of this song on my paper.  It is the only thing that comforts me.  Returning to my room after class, I reevaluated my life. 

I realized that God gives grace to the humble.  I have not been seeking God completely, far from it.  I resolved to myself that from now on, I will be humble, to endure, and to have most of my life for God.  More than half my house of representatives and the senate (51%) needs to be for God and my presidency needs to be for God, I joked. 

My classmates tell me that I’m smart, that I should have no issues with my assignments.  One of my classmates told me I could just wing it.  And wing it I did, for much of my academic year, but I can’t wing it this time.  Not if I didn’t even read the research articles I’ve selected.  Not if I didn’t even print the articles to bring to class.  I can’t wing it this time. 

And maybe I’m not that smart.  If I’m stupid enough to lose focus, to lose motivation, to have great difficulty to even start on my assignments during spring break, to struggle with my internship while having been in the Army, than I am not smart.  If I’m stupid enough to think that I can live my life successfully without spending time with God, then I am not smart.  Or I’m just too weak.

Other classmates tell me that playing computer games is not such a bad thing.  “People are addicted to drugs, to alcohol,” a woman told me, “playing games exercises your brain.  It’s a good thing.”  In a way, she is right.  Playing computer games is not such a bad thing.  It does exercise my brain, but, anything that takes the place of God is foolishness.  People can be addicted to work, to family, to working out.  These in and of itself is not bad but it is the amount of time spent on them that destroys.  Being addicted to God, if I can, ironically, is the true antidote that brings freedom. 

            I feel like I have a second wind.  After this near-death experience, I feel strengthened.  But, in a way, I didn’t waste my spring break.  I spent countless hours, the most actually, on my internship and accomplished a lot.  I think another fault I have is I failed to prioritize.  I do focus on the most important things, but, I wanted perfection, so, I spent so much more time and labor on making things perfect while completely ignoring other important objectives so that by the time I get to these other imperatives, I have no desire to start it.  It is better that I do just the basics, a C work all the way and then come back to it, if I have time, to make it better, than for me to do an A work but then earn F’s for all my other work because I’m exhausted. 

            In a way, why am I writing this?  I’m tired.  And on second thought, concerning telling the professor to give me half-credit, I probably won’t do it.  The selfish Steven probably would become dominant and won’t allow me to do it.  But, I must remember that what happened today reminds me of the parable that other branches were cut off so that I can be grafted in.  I still feel so guilty.

8/24/2014:

8/24/2014:

S: 2155 E: 0024

Q: How are you feeling right now?

A: I’m having mixed feelings.  I’m feeling many feelings at the same time. 

Q: Could you share on some of them?

A: Those that are unclassified, I can share.  Most of my thoughts are unclassified anyways.  Except a few.  You need to have secret or top-secret clearance for that.  :p  And, so far, nobody has that.  Well, except my mom, she has secret clearance.  :)  But top-secret,  nope; I don’t have a bff. 

Q: So..

A:  Tomorrow is my first day of Fall school.  It is my last year at UTEP and I also will be doing my internships.  Tbh, I’m not really optimistic about my internships or my schooling.  I just don’t really feel the passion anymore.  Well, I do feel the passion, I do want to help people, but it’s just passion in life in general.  But, thanks to the Army and God (?), I’m just going to continue and finish the race.  I might be walking to the finish line or sprinting, but what matters is I will try to finish it, which is unlike my pre-Army life. 

I have a lot of wants that are unfulfilled and it is making me depressed.  I do try to be more sociable and I am making effort and progress in that domain.  Being sociable has always been a struggle because my natural state, since childhood, is to be alone in front of a computer. 

Q: Can you talk more about your “passions?”

A:  Hope delayed makes the heart sick (Proverbs 13:12).  Dreams not achieved or seemingly impossible gives me sadness and depression.  I do feel a lot of my longings are unattainable.  I kept trying and I try new ways, but still, they are out of reach.  Of course, I’m logical.  I think of steps, of plans, to reach them, but the end result is the same.  Now that I’m writing this, I think I lack the willpower in many of my pursuits, that perhaps had I been more determined, I might have made more progress.

Q: Alright, so you can try to be more determined?

A:  That is not easy.  To be determined requires passion, however, passion ebbs and flows.  It is hard to be determined in seasons of drought.  Another thing I remembered that plagues me is indecision. 

Q: Indecision?  Could you explain?

A: To reach a treasure or goal, one has to plan and have the determination to reach it.  However, I sometimes struggle with something even more basic: whether my supposed treasure or goal is even that. 

I feel it’s kind of ironic because I try to know more about myself.  I write these “discoveries” since 2000.  I’m kind of an intrapersonal person.  And yet, I still don’t know if the treasure or goal is really that. 

Q: What is keeping you from knowing yourself or knowing what your “treasure” is?

A: Good question.  I think a lot of it has to be because I don’t spend a lot of time with myself anymore.  By “time with myself” I mean time where I can really understand and know my true feelings and thoughts.  Much of my alone time is spent on computer games.

Q: So you think computer games is the culprit? 

A:  Although I do spend a lot of my time on other necessary things, yes, computer games sucks away the time I could spend on knowing myself more.  However, even with my gaming habit, I still, daresay, that I spend more time talking to myself than most people. 

Q: What do you talk about?

A: My internal dialogue nowadays has a lot of hopelessness and sadness.  Of anger.  Anger at myself, the world, and God.  I’m also a realist.  I see my goals and I try to make plans for them, however, it is difficult, if not impossible, to make plans that is doable for me.  And other times, I’m so far behind in certain areas that just catching up, never mind getting there, is depressing enough. 

Q: That seems to be handful.  So how are you going to combat this?

A: My only way to combat this is to do the only way I know how.  Best-evidence.  It is to just keep trying and not give up, even if it seems everything is hopeless. 

Q: Why do you think everything is “hopeless”?

A: Because I cannot reach my dreams and goals.  They seem impossible for me.  I struggle with even identifying what should my dreams and goals should be.  Should I try to get a girlfriend or not?  Do I even need a girlfriend, for example?  One thing I am clear on is I want to make money, obviously, so I can survive and help others in this evil world.  And, should I successfully identify my goals, when I start planning them, they seem difficult if not unreachable. 

Q: Why do you think it’s “unreachable”?

A: By unreachable, I mean steps that might not succeed.  Steps that don’t have a guarantee.  Steps that require other prerequisites, which is difficult for me to reach in itself.  They are steps where I could try, even do my best on, and still fail. 

Q: Then the solution would be to break those steps into smaller, doable steps.

A: Heh, good idea.  But, as I said earlier, even those smaller steps might be difficult.  And opportunity too.  I might want to reach a goal, but if I lack the opportunity, opportunity that is independent of me, I cannot do it. 

So, I feel the best plan for me is to continue to improve myself.  To improve my basic skills.  To work on skills that are important in this world.  I try to exercise daily, to be more sociable, to take advantage of opportunities.  For example, if there is a 5k Stephanie Olivo Memorial run advertised by one of my social work students, I can go there.  By the way, I went to that run (on Aug. 23, 2014) and got 1^st place (in my age group).  The medal is kind of meaningless because there are few runners.  Everyone practically earned a medal.  In my age group, 20-29, for example, there are only 2 runners.

That 5k run is memorable because it is my first successful 5k run since 2010, when I was in Kuwait running the Wounded Warrior 5k run.  I did register to run for the Tour de Tolerance in 2012, but I woke up late and by the time I got there, the runners are already finishing.  They wouldn’t let me join.  But, I do get to cheer for them and hike on the holy Mount Cristo Rey trail.  There were a lot of people.

Anyways, as I said, the best plan is just to prepare for opportunities.  To improve my body, soul, and spirit.  However, there is a problem with that approach.

Q: Oh?  What is the problem?

A: Many times, my desires and longings get in the way.  It feels like in order for me to improve myself, I need those things I long for.  It is like a circular tragedy.  Yet, in order for me to get the things I long for, I need to improve myself. 

For example, getting a girlfriend.  In my experience, to get a girlfriend, I need financial stability, education, and the usual personality and character similarities.  Yet, to get financial stability and education, I need a girlfriend.  It’s too difficult to do it alone.  I need the morale.  I need someone to talk to; someone to share my burdens.  It’s similar to a poem I wrote in high school:

I need a girl to talk to me.

I need a girl to set me free.

I need a girl so I can see.

I need a girl to talk to me.

Cause, I need a girl who really loves me.

I need a girl to sleep with me.

I need a girl to play with me.

I need a girl so I can breathe.

-

Ok that was pretty embarrassing, but I feel it illustrates my point.  By the way, just because of writing this, I wrote another entry that has some of my love poems/songs that I wrote in high school.  I am planning to share them someday. 

So, basically, it’s too difficult for me to continue to struggle, to get an education, a degree, a job, money, happiness, etc, without someone to love, without someone to back me up, without someone to continue in my journey with.  But, in order to get a girlfriend, since I tried, I need the very things that I need.  It’s circular, it’s depressing, there’s no way. 

Q: But Steven, you don’t really need a girlfriend.  You can get an education, etc, on your own.  Just be motivated.

A: I think anyone can testify the support that a loving relationship can bring.  Of course, if I have the iron will, I can achieve these things alone, but it is much easier if I have a soulmate to support me. 

Q: Ok Steven, but I think you might be wrong on the expectations of girls.  They don’t just look at the outside, at money, education, or fame.  Having the inner loving qualities matters too.

A: That’s what I thought as well.  But, so far, my experiences prove otherwise.  I’ve seen, in the military, so many gold-diggers (no offense to UTEP :p) that basically only stay with their husbands just for the benefits.  On online matching-making sites, most, if not all, of the women there want a man with the education and income.  I tried to converse with them but they wouldn’t talk to me because I didn’t meet the “qualifications.”  They didn’t even give me a chance. 

However, I understand that not all girls are like that, but in a culture that values the American Dream, many women place at least some weight in these earthly areas.  And as long as there is some influence, the playing field is unbalanced.

There is another reason, probably, why I can’t find a girlfriend.  It is because I am naturally shy and afraid of rejection.  Being alone most of the time, such as in high school, contributes to it too.  But I am making much effort in this area.  While in the Army, I did confess my love to a girl.  But, she flat out rejected me.  I kept trying to send her messages and even guitar songs, but she then blocked me.  Of course I made mistakes, I’m new to the mating game, but it hurts.  Nowadays, all the girls I show interest in already have a boyfriend.  But, I’m still trying.  Then, there are times when I feel being single is better, going back to my lack of clear goals. 

So, all these factors play a role.  There are debates all within me on what to do and many have not been resolved. 

So, being the social worker as I am, I need to continue to know myself more, to make my goals and decisions firm.  Then, to improve myself.  When troubles come when reaching a goal due to lack of “support” (i.e. girlfriend), I guess there’s nothing I can do about that but to just endure and do the best that I can.  I can also continue to seek opportunities, especially when it comes to matchmaking.  I need to take more risks, to try new things.  I need to be able to think clearly when under stress. 

All these things will be difficult for me to do.  Then, I just remembered another thing.

Q: What is that?

I’m getting tired, the time is 11:44pm now and I need to sleep, but to finish this, some people tell me that I also need to be more assertive. 

Q: Isn’t being assertive a good thing?

A: Yes it is, but I also value being myself.  I value being true to myself, to be honest to God, myself, and people.  This is one of the reasons why I wrote these discoveries.  If I feel sad or depressed, I don’t want to fake it to the world.  I don’t want to deceive others or myself.  And part of me is a realist.  If I think something is hopeless or extremely difficult, I will tend to be sad.  Hopelessness may also be part of my childhood, so it may be part of my nature.  Basically, if I feel sad, I will be sad.  If I feel happy, I will be happy.  I don’t want to lie to the world or myself.  I feel it is more important to stick to my principles than to compromise them to gain something.  But, I’m changing, I don’t know anymore.  Maybe I could try a “fake-it-till-you-make-it” approach.  Maybe I should be deceiving, to pretend that everything is good and happy, just so I can get treasures in this world. 

Q: I can see that you are tired.  Maybe we can talk about this later.

A: Sure thing.  I write what I feel anyways.  Good night everyone and thanks for reading.    

8/20/2014

8/20/2014

S: 12:42am
E: 1:52am

There’s of course plenty of topics that I can write, however, I’m only going to write about a few of them.

I feel I screwed up.  I messed up.  I don’t think it’s really fair.  I didn’t do anything that deserves this predicament.  I mean all I do is play games, that’s it, and a little side of questionable activities.  That’s it. 

Now I realize how important networking and connections are.  I mean I already know it is important, but it’s hard to be in the groove, should I say.  They don’t just come to you and even if I look for it, I still don’t get it.

Ok, reality check.  So far, I can only think of one person who can give me a recommendation or fill out those tedious recommendation letters.  I mean I do have a few, if I think about it, but they owe me nothing.  It stinks that after a few years, or a few months, connections with people fades.  The person who can give me a recommendation two years ago probably will have a harder time due to the passage of time.  I have three graduate schools I’m planning to apply.  My strategy is to have one graduate school for safety, that is, a school that I can have a safe bet that I’ll be accepted, and two others that I think are challenging.  Each of these three schools requires 3 recommendations.  So, 3 times 3 is 9.  I need nine recommendations!  I don’t want to bother 3 people 3 times for each recommendation.  Sigh, so stressful. 

Take a look at my case.  I spend most of my time alone.  I don’t work.  I used to volunteer.  I mainly just focus on my studies.  I am in my social work club but I haven’t met any professionals there.  The few times I attend my Christian club I haven’t met professionals.  Just students.  I used to go to church but I stopped going partially because they discriminate against me.  I can feel it, Asian-sense.  So I really don’t have much people I can ask.  My dad tells me I am the kindest and smartest person in the world but family doesn’t count.  So what is someone like me supposed to do?  Time passes, people don’t remember me anymore.

I feel this recommendation bullshit is also biased towards those in poverty.  They have fewer connections and have less time to build “professional” connections.  They probably spend most of the time working. 

Oh and my dad told me what about the military?  Military doesn’t work either.  The change-over is too great.  If I were to go to Fort Bliss right now, I will not recognize 99% of the soldiers there, let alone my old supervisors.  I tried it.  We are talking about a 50% retention rate per year.

Tbh, I feel people think I’m just a piece of shit.  Some person they are forced to take care of.  Like trash.  Just because I’m still single doesn’t mean I am shit.  I feel the notion of family (traditional family) is shit too.  It is an archaic glorification of the frontier age.  The frontier is gone.  There is no more space for the human population to grow.  More people creates more competition.  Competition for resources, land, jobs.  Nations are fighting each other to sustain their demand.  Completion brings out the ugly side of human nature.  The end is coming.

Space used to be the “final frontier” but the funny thing is the United States doesn’t even have a single working shuttle.  And as science catches up to the truth, colonization in space is more difficult than it seemed. 

But then again, why should mankind spread more evil in the universe?  The greater the human population, the greater the atrocities. As C.S. Lewis said, “Let's pray that the human race never escapes from Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere.” 

I have many things I can write, with the exceptional logic God has given me.  It doesn’t require any degrees or PhD’s. 

 Technology is useless.  No, it is negative.  Why is it negative?  Well, technology is not good or bad in itself because it is simply a modifier.  Like the tractor is more productive than the plow.  However, human beings can be good or evil.  Evil to destroy the world.  Good to improve the world.  However, the natural law states that it is easier to destroy than to build.  Evil will have more influence.  Now we have nukes.  Evil people can destroy our world.  More on this on another blog later.  I already started it.

One of the earthy wisdom is correct.  That a good beginning usually means a good end.  If someone has a good start, that person is likely to also finish well.  However, if someone messes up or made mistakes, it’s doubly hard for that person to catch up.  You dig yourself in a hole, you have the fill the hole up first before you can start on your mountain.  If someone gets bad grades in high school, that person will have a difficult time to even get into college.  His or her career will be affected, and so forth.  Bad beginnings carry more weight than anywhere else.  It also leads to depression, which just spirals a person down even more. 

I’m starting to think my experiences in the Army is just a placebo effect.  Put anyone in a difficult situation and he or she will start seeking the supernatural.  Even atheists may start praying if they are about to die.  I seek God and, somehow, I was able to survive.  That somehow is because my spirit grew stronger to overcome deficiencies in my body and soul.  I was stupid and weak in the Army.  That spirit-soul-body notion makes sense. 

Right now, I’m seeing religion as simply a conduit to the Creator.  Different religions have different conduits to the Creator, some more accurate and some less.  Christianity is a conduit, as is Islam.  Religion is man’s way of seeking God.  I feel I’m more of a theist now.  The universe had a beginning but I feel, so far, there is no one true religion.  Yet, new religions, sects, branches, denominations, etc, evolve in an attempt to seek the Creator more perfectly.  Like when Winston Churchill said that democracy is the worse form of government except that all other forms have already been tried.  There is no pure answer yet, and there probably never will be, but each new development in religion may lead to a closer answer.

Looking at human psychology, I can see that many people have a desire for destiny.  They want to achieve something big but if they can’t achieve it in acceptable or good ways, they may do it in negative or evil ways.  As an expert I read once said, “They know it is better to a somebody than a nobody.”  Look at Columbine, Sandy Hook, terrorist bombings, the subway stabbing in Taiwan (when the perpetrator said he wanted to “do something big”), etc.  These people go out with a bang.  Yes, it is evil, but there may be circumstances that lead to it.  Look at Hitler.  Perhaps some people try to be successful, to be accepted, to be a somebody but fail miserably in acceptable ways.  Then, because humans have a desire for greatness, more than their desire to be good, they become a notorious evil person.  Why do people join gangs?  Or do dangerous things?  Many people also have a Samson Option if their lives fall apart. 

Ok, it is 1:38am now.  I really do need to be sleeping.  To me, I feel my life is a tragedy.  To quote JJ Heller, and “it’s driving [me] down to my knees.”