The Experiment

[Edited for Public] 2015.10.19: The Experiment

11:48pm – 12:16pm

My aunt told me that I should write a journal daily, so here it is.  Maybe I should write daily now.  I mean I used to write a lot but not anymore.  Not when.. my faith became weak.  Not when trails and tribulations ceased a little.  I mean my difficulties still persist.  -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  Nothing in this world can truly satisfy me.  -----------------  -------------------------------------------------------------------  Then what is God’s will for my life?  Is it to have customers yelling at me and hating me everyday?  Is that what my life is for?  My aunt told me I should find a happy job.  A job that makes me happy.  Not a job where I deal with sadness and gloom.  Where the best I can do is a draw.  No, a draw is not a win.  A draw, where I only have one life, one chance, is a lose.  Maybe I should quit my job so I can continue to further my education.  I mean, if I can’t make lots of money, then I should at least have lots of education and knowledge.  No, well, kind of true.  I should just focus on seeking God.  But I suck at it.  I feel I just can’t do it.  I could be close, I can see it.  I can see myself seeking God and being close to Him but I just can’t reach it.  This is what I should do.  Maybe I should just quit everything that is not necessary and just seek God.  I wonder what may happen if I do it. 

My strategy, my plan against customers, or rather to defend myself against them is to pray for them.  Prayer is the artillery.  Then, I’ll just do what I can do to prepare myself.  The horse is ready for battle.  Then, the battle will belong to the Lord.  What can I do then, with customers who are still mean to me?  Should I take revenge?  No, rather, I should use that as a motivation, a boost, to seek God more. 

My life has changed, not for the better, I feel, but for the worse.  How worse?  I’m not sure.  I crave chicken nuggets, cheese cake, pizza, and what not.  But, these things, in the end, won’t really satisfy me.  I feel stuck.  I feel like I lost.  If I’m not going anywhere then I’m wasting time.  I don’t want to just make this moderate or low income job and save my money until I die.  My life is meant for greatness but I feel my life is nothing at all.  I carry no influence.  I have no authority.  I have no power.  And I seek God.  The logical conclusion then, is to conclude that seeking God has no power, has no hope.  But no, God is the God of hope.  Then why then am I still so powerless?  No, forget it.  I already chose God and I will die with God, ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  Regardless, I must pray.  Prayer is where I get most of my power from.  I find in my life that I get most of my influence in prayer, behind the scenes.  Without prayer, if it is just people, then I am nothing.  Why can’t I be a general?  What can’t God make me a ruler or a leader or a king?  Or a general, or a trusted advisor.  Why can’t God make me become these things?  Why am I just a nobody working at a low-paying job barely getting by?  -------------------------------------------------------------------- because I have foresight.  -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------And God will be the judge.

----------------------------------------------------------------------  He is the only reason.  I could care less if other people are less than me.  No, I will not compare myself to who is less but to who is greater.  But of course, I will submit to God.  The only thing that keeps me going is my ability to pray and be close to God.  ---------------------------------------------- 

I don’t have a girlfriend --------------------------------  I don’t have any social networks of significant extent.  ------------------ 

My life, it is so unfair.  I know, other people are going to attack me on this.  Call me complaining.  But look, I really never had a chance in life.  When I was 18, I still had the mentality and life-skills of a 13 year-old.  So many basic skills in life I couldn’t do.  ---------------------------------------------  Values and traits and social skills that I lack.  And now, I am semi-independent.  I say semi because I probably will never be fully independent.  I will never be able to live without God.  Even now, when I have my own room, my own car, my own blah blah blah, I am still not completely independent.  I am much more independent than in the past, but I’m not there yet. 

What can I hope for?  What can I look forward to?  The only thing I can look forward to is God.  Is prayer.  But perhaps prayer is like social work.  Anybody can do it.  You don’t need a degree for that.  You may not need a degree, but you still need God.  And his gift, and his mercy, and his talent.  -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  This is what I’m going to do from now on.  And I must do it.  Aside from Clash of Clans, which is a game I still can’t quit even though I just started like two months ago. I will seek God.  Any other unnecessary thing will be destroyed.  I’m going to try this experiment for a month, to 11/20/2015 and see if it works.  Let me test and see that the Lord is good.  That he will take care of me.  This will be my vow ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  Should I do this?  Yes.  No.  Maybe so.  I want to do it, but I feel I just can’t.  Fine, I’ll give myself three chances.  Three strikes.  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  Then, should I do this?  What about China?  Who cares about China.  That is just a game.  And my life is not a game. 

How can I relieve stress?  How can I talk to customers?  I don’t.  I don’t know.  I’m still confused and like a child.  I’m just going to pray and seek God.  --------------------------------------------------  I’m doing a 30-day relentless.  Anything unnecessary must be cast aside and just enjoy the pleasure of seeking God.  I’m going to start right now and see how far three strikes will get me.  This will not be a vow but an experiment.  --------------------------------------------------------  May God be my judge.  May God be with me.