If I don’t know what to do….

10/29/2015: If I don’t know what to do….

10:26am – 10:57am

In this world, nothing is permanent; everything is temporary.  The only thing that is permanent; the only thing that is everlasting, is God.  Right now, I am focusing on whether I should move or not; whether I should stay or go.  If I move, I will live closer to my church and my workplace, but, there are contraindications (I was looking for this word, I need to use this in my daily vocabulary).  The church may move, further east.  My workplace will move, a little to the west.  Well, I told myself that those changes should be acceptable and by moving, it will still make going to these places easier.  But, what if I were to move again?  What is the cost of moving?  What is my cost?  I wish I could be more portable.  I wish I can fit the biggest furniture in my car. 

Moving in one day or two is stressful.  I plan to move in the space of a month.  That way, when I go to work or church, I can just stop by and unload my belongings.  It will cost more, yes, but I will have less stress.  Then what about the big stuff: the bookshelves?  I could unscrew them and “fold” them to set it up once I move there.  What about my bed and the wooden base I put on top so I can sleep better?  That, I will have to ask for help and I believe that God will give me the grace.  So, in the end, it’s just the bed.  That’s just the moving part, part of the one-time charges part (I use “one-time charges” because I use them in my workplace). 

Then, there is another factor to consider.  Whether I plan to stay at my workplace.  If I really am focused on my goals, to be self-sufficient and to make money, then I would quit my workplace and go full-time study.  But, what about my finances?  Well, I can ask my family.  I can use government loans.  I can use my GI bill, just like in the past.  But, there are contraindications to that as well.  My GI bill isn’t going to cover if I have to study for more than 2 years.  I will increase my student loan debt.  And asking for my family for help, still, is akin to begging and freeloading. 

An alternative is to work part-time and study part-time.  But, if I do that, my education costs will go up in the long-run.  Parking permits, library fees, charges that my university has that make taking part-time classes less advisable.  But, I do have a boon.  I renewed my residential parking permit which allows me to park in the vicinity of UTEP for a year. 

Another alternative is to go postal.  Just kidding, I don’t mean by that.  I meant to go into the postal service.  I’ve always considered that and I did look for job availability in El Paso.  Unfortunately, there was none at the time I looked.  Funny thing is, within a few weeks of applying at my call center job, I happen to see on the news that there are openings available (And I don’t watch TV).  I could just study for my postal exam, the 473 possibly.  While there are no openings in El Paso, I can use this time to just study for the exam.  But if I do that, then I might have to kiss my enrollment at UTEP (for the second time) goodbye.

Then another factor is the talent that God gave me, which is in computers.  So, perhaps I should just go back into school and get at least a bachelors in a computer-related field. 

I need to stop worrying about missing my potential and all that.  No, God will give me grace.  My potential is found in God alone. 

I even thought about moving elsewhere for better job prospects, but, I found that me and my church are inseparable.  “We are living in the end times,” my spiritual mentor told me.  “You need to attend a supernatural church.” 

So, decisions and decisions.  What to do and what to do?  I have a saying that I made myself in the past that goes, “If I don’t know what to do, I will worship You.”  Maybe I should do that.  And, in the meantime, move closer to my supernatural church.  

Jobs

2015.8.25: Jobs

Completed around 9:20pm

Today is a blog writing day.  :p

I thought about combining three topics into one blog for today but I decided it would be clearer if I separate them into three. 

Tomorrow is my first day at my new job!  Possibly.  If they can finish my drug screen and background check.  If not, then the company will have to reschedule me.  But, getting the job reminded me of what Xuan Nguyen said about jobs.

Jobs, he wrote, stands for “Journey of the Broke.”  Pastor Frank said, through my WFG mentor, in the business meeting that if you working, you are working the curse.  But if you own a business, you have the blessing.  Now I can see that he is right.  As an employee, I really have no control.  I can't get time off.  My WFG (World Financial Group) mentor told me that, as a nurse, she can’t even use the restroom without asking for permission first.  Now as I am signing the acceptance forms, I see why.  I had to sign to agree that if I have a dispute with my company, I will wavier my right to court or jury and that only arbitration is possible.  Anything I contribute to the company belongs solely to the company, not me.  This including writing or of any creative nature. 

But, I will still work in that job, for now, as if I’m working for God.  Even though the pay is low, or I’m taken advantage of, I know that everything belongs to God.  I know that He is the God of justice.

Jobs in heaven

2015.2.26: Jobs in heaven

S: 12:57am

E: 1:38am

I haven’t written anything for a long time.  There are a lot of reasons but I’m going to skip them. 

My main concern for this entry is about my situation. 

I feel this world is really like a caste system.  There are really no equal opportunities.  Getting a job depends on who you know.  Oh how I wish both the rich and poor have an equal chance of getting a job based on their dedication.  Not experience.  Experience makes things unfair.  It will not be unfair if there are entry-level jobs that can cover experience but there are none, essentially none.  All the jobs, it seems, requires you to know somebody.  Requiring people to know somebody is unfair because not everyone receives the same opportunities to meet people.  The privileged will meet more privileged and the poor and underclass will meet more poor and the underclassed. 

I feel so hopeless.  I’ll never get a job that shows my true worth.  I probably won’t get a job.  The world doesn’t understand that people need jobs to survive.  Why so much competition?  Why can’t there be guaranteed jobs for people who can’t find any other jobs?  That would be a start for a better society. 

I feel the kingdom of darkness and the ruler of this world wants me to feel hopeless, depressed, to wallow in self-pity, and what not.  But although I am suffering from these symptoms because I am human, I have emotions, I still will remember the One who created me and loves me.  Just because darkness is all around me doesn’t not mean God is dead.  No.  Just because I can’t see God or his help does not mean there is nothing I can do. 

I know God is love and He is the one who loves me.  Even if God never loves me again or gives me hope in this world again, still will I seek him.  I will say that I am doing no wrong and I am making no mistake if I raise my hands to God.  As long as I seek God, contrary to what this world is telling me, I will have a better result.  If that result is still death, then at least it is death with seeking God. 

I do not know how my Lord will be able to help me.  The odds are too stacked against me.  I lack experience.  I lack knowing the right people.  I may even lack some of the skills.  But, it doesn’t matter.  This world wants us to think that it matters.  To achieve them is unachievable.  Yes, they essentially are.  What matters is securing my eternal future by seeking and loving God.  Even if my life here on Earth will end, seeking Him is one of the best things anyone can do.  There is no such thing as too much of him.  There is no toxicity level with God.  If someone spends 100% of his or her time with God, I count that person blessed. 

Right now, I feel there is no hope for me.  I am being realistic.  A resume doesn’t cover everything about me.  There is more to me than a sheet of paper.  But most don’t know that.  They judge what they see. 

Perhaps it is a blessing that finding a job is so momentous for me.  It is a gift that stones are placed in my way.  I am starving, dying of thirst, to reach the finish line.  But what finish line?  The world’s?  I shall stop this race and pray and seek God.  I know contrary to what this world is telling me or what I am seeing, God can do anything.  He can lift a homeless man or woman up and have that person become a president, even the president of his or her country.  I believe that.  In the end, it is not man who decides, but God.  It is not man who determines his or her future, but God.  A man, regardless of his or her station in life, is only measured on one thing: how much that person loves God and through God, loves people.  That’s all.  If society really loves their fellowman, finding a job should be as plentiful as the streets of gold at heaven.  There should be employers begging people to come to this job.  People will not look, indeed, it will be already there! 

I guess this life I live.  I most likely will not live long.  Let not my eyes deceive me.  Let not the pleasures of this world confound me.  My life is but a breath.  I say, it is blessing to die because I can no longer survive if I spend my last days with God.  And because I do not know when my time will come, should not all my time be based for Him? 

If things continue in its natural state; if it continues in its natural law, then I will die soon and be with God.  I write “be with God” because that may or may not happen.  But what I will do, what will happen, is that I do my best to be with Him.  The secret of life is this: It is better to die than to live and see pain.  The joys of eternal rest outweighs the burdens of daily life.  Living may be a curse while death may be a release.  I have still not caught the essence of this.  Happier is the one who dies than the one who lives but suffers. 

But, to end this, I do know one thing.  Hope comes from God.  Love comes from God.  Grace comes from God.  Joy, happiness, prosperity, peace, and everything good, even sex, comes from God.  The one who seeks God is like one who is trying to cheat in this life.  This world hates cheaters, it hates those who circumvent these worldly ways.  The cheat in this life is knowing God and knowing him deeply, and loving him through life or in death.